A/N: This story takes places after and in between "Free to Be You and Me" (5.03) and "The End" (5.04) and is an AU. This is going to be a multi-chapter story which is mostly about Sam & Dean, but Bobby, Hank, Steve and Reggie will appear definitely, and Cas will be referred to at least. I don't want to give away too much...
Actually, I wanted to write something about the boys being separated and finding back together again in seasonseven, but Bobby's death (*crying out loud NOOO!*... I still believe he will be back) crossed my plans. So I decided to write a seasonfive story, where the boys were separated.
Warnings: This chapter will contain the topic of suicide. So if you don't feel comfortable reading stories that have content containing the topic of suicide, you better turn away from the story.
Disclaimer: I don't own Supernatural or the boys, (except the DVD boxes) I would sure love too and would put way more brotherly moments in the show and would separate the boys way less in season seven.
A very big thanks to Cartersdaughter for betaing this!
I hope you'll enjoy my story.
"The Darkness Within"
I really believe that all of us have a lot of darkness in our souls.
Anger, rage, fear, sadness.
I don't think that's only reserved for people who have horrible upbringings.
I think it really exists and is part of the human condition.
I think in the course of your life you figure out ways to deal with that.
Sam was sitting on the windowsill while he watched through the window as the rain fell down in his motel room in Gabler, Oklahoma. The sky was painted in a color combination of grey, black and dark blue. The rain fell down, and you could hear the thick raindrops hitting the asphalt of the street and wetting the window. The only thing that lit the darkness outside was lightning. The sounds of the thunderstorm completed the background noises. The weather outside had a menacing and depressing effect. It was hard to believe that the sky used to be light blue before this storm or could be light blue and nice after it again. The sky was bathed in darkness, and the storm looked like it would never stop.
If Dean could see Sam like this, he would probably joke about his little brother being broody, moody and emo. But Dean wasn't there, and Sam was broody, moody and emo.
And in some ways the rain and the weather reflected Sam's inner life, his inner thoughts and inner feelings. Sam was covering himself in darkness, and he did not believe he would ever see the light again. As much as this weather was depressing, it matched Sam's feelings completely.
Sam was depressed, down and drowning himself in self-loathing, mistrust toward himself, and guilt. He had trusted a demon, had drunk demon blood, had broken the last seal, and had brought the apocalypse to earth by releasing Lucifer, the devil himself, from hell. And now he knew that he was meant to be Lucifer's meat-suit. The true vessel of the Devil was Sam himself. And what the last year had proven something other than the fact that Sam was not to be trusted and would screw it up for sure. Even hunters were after him. Hunters were looking for him. Hunters like Reggie, Hank and Steve wanted to use him as a weapon; did not even look at him like he was still human anymore. And even though he was not hunting, even though he tried to be "Joe Normal", he still put innocent people in danger. Lindsey was kidnapped by these hunters, although the hunters had wanted him. She was a nice and kind person who was really good to Sam, and still she was put at risk. She had told Sam nothing was too bad to be forgiven, but Sam again thought she did not know what he had done, and he did not want to add more faults to his list of failures by drawing Lindsey in on his problems. He was not normal; he was a freak. And the hunters wanted him, and Lindsey had gotten in harm's way because of him.
Sam had given himself to the hunters for Lindsey. He did not want her to be in danger, but he did not intend to fight the hunters. They were human, and it was wrong to harm human beings; it was. And he was not allowed to fail anymore, to screw up anymore. Sam probably even deserved hunters after him and living in a world that hated him.
But Sam would not drink demon blood ever again. So he had spit the demon blood, which the hunters tried to force down his throat out of his mouth. The demon blood was responsible for so many things gone bad in his life and drinking the demon blood again would be a disappointment to Dean (and he had disappointed Dean enough already). For once, he wanted to do one thing right. That was exactly the reason why he had not killed the hunters after he had freed himself from them, because they were human beings and killing them was wrong.
The time at the bar had been horrible, he got a girl in danger and hunters proved that they didn't think as a human of him anymore and it was once again a proof of how screwed up Sam was and how horrible and dangerous it was for other human beings to have him around.
Not even Dean wanted anything to do with him anymore. Dean, who used to stand by Sam every minute of every day, had agreed willingly and happily to separate from him. And when Sam called his brother after he found out about being Lucifer's meat-suit, he needed Dean so much, and Dean had rejected him. But who could blame Dean for it? After everything Sam had done, after every weight Sam had placed on Dean's shoulders, Dean was probably better off without his pain-in-the-ass little brother, and Dean deserved it to be free from the burden Sam Winchester was.
Sam decided to break the last communication between him and Dean for Dean's sake and disabled his last working phone number. He had already destroyed all of his fake IDs and all his hunting gear because he wanted to leave this life behind.
Dean was also watching the rain through the window of his motel room in Greenley, Pennsylvania. The sky was painted in a color combination of grey, black and dark blue. The rain fell down, and you could hear the thick raindrops hitting the asphalt of the street and wetting the window. He was nearly in the same situation as Sam, even though they were miles apart.
If Sam were here, he would joke about Dean being all girly and bitch about Dean always complaining about him pulling the emo-crap even though the older Winchester was not any better himself. But Sam was not there. Sam was somewhere in... Actually, Dean did not know where Sam was. The last time they had spoken Sam did not let loose a word about his whereabouts, and Dean did not even ask. He didn't even think to ask. Since when were things so screwed up? Since when didn't Dean care about Sam's whereabouts? Even when Sam and Dean had not had contact to each other in years because Sam was at Stanford, Dean knew where Sam was, when and why. And since when did Dean turn Sam down and reject him? Because that was exactly what he had done. He rejected Sam. When Sam had called in a moment of need, Dean had rejected him coldly and had hung up the phone, leaving his little brother alone with the problem of being Lucifer's meat-suit.
Honestly, Dean did not know if he should feel guilty or good about the way he had treated Sam. On the one hand it was a good feeling to be a man of his own and see Sam suffer for his mistake. On the other hand Sam was and always will be his little brother and it is Dean's Job to be there for him. This was not a job he was burdened by, but a job he did out of love towards his little brother.
Sam had screwed up grievously and deserved to kind of to suffer for a while. And Sam was a grown up and could handle his problems without his big brother. Sam had gotten along on his own before this, too. Sam did not need Dean. And Sam had cared more about Ruby than Dean, and that hurt more than anything, because the older Winchester had given everything to his brother.
Now he and Sam were seperated because of Sams faults. It was weird to be on his own, but he still had an angel at his side. Now Sam was not his hunting partner anymore as he was not trustet, but it was Castiel.
Hunting with Cas was also fun. He had not had this much fun in a long time. But then again, Dean knew he was lying to himself, when he told himself he was fine without Sam.
It was true that he hadn't had this much fun in a long time. But the last time he had this much fun was with Sam, and Sam's absence was leaving a gaping hole in Dean's heart. Sam had been present all the time except when he had been at Stanford. Sam was the perfect match to Dean, always. They used to be the perfect team. Dean and Sam against the world. And Dean loved Sam with a passion and a devotion which was indescribable, but maybe Dean loved Sam too much, had forgiven Sam too often.
All of Dean's big brother fibers said, "You have to be there for Sam; your baby brother needs you. How can you turn him down, the most important person in your life, when he is as devastated as he was on the phone? You swore to yourself to be there for him, to save him."
Dean's love and concern for Sammy conflicted with his own hurt feelings and mistrust toward Sam because of the younger Winchester's actions in the last year after Dean returned from hell.
And for this time being: Dean was just not ready to face Sam. His hurt outweighed his need, love, and concern for his brother. He needed time; he needed space and distance. He had to figure out how they should go on from here. For once, Dean was tired of taking care of Sam, of being there for Sam, of saving Sam. For once, Dean wanted to forget his responsibility for Sam.
Sam was still watching the rain through his window, and by now he was crying. Maybe it was an understatement when he said the day had been horrible. The day had been worse than horrible because today reminded him of Jessica. The devil showed up as Jessica and reminded him how nice the time with Jess at Stanford had been, reminded him that he had lost so damn much. And honestly, Sam did not need a reminder. Every morning, he was reminded already by waking up alone in a double bed (even five years after her death). He loved Jessica so much, and she was the love of his life. He was not lying when he had said back in Salvation that he had intended to marry her.
When he had woken up next to Jessica today, he had known that it was not real and that it was just an illusion, but he wanted it so badly to be real, wanted so badly to be near Jessica again. Even after five years he still missed Jess 24/7, and so he enjoyed his time with her, even though he knew in his heart it was not real.
And now he was crying because, God, it hurt so badly again, was so heartbreaking again to be without Jess. Sam had shoved the pain down, deep down inside of him after her death, but it came floating out to the surface now. He was already on the verge of saying yes to Lucifer just to get Jessica back, to see this beautiful, gorgeous, intelligent, blonde woman one more time. He knew he was meant to be with her, but Sam could not say yes to Lucifer, could not screw up even more. There was one person in this world he loved more than Jess: His big brother. He was the only person Sam had left, but Dean didn't want to be in contact with him. Dean was better off without him.
And actually, Jessica would have been better off without him, too. She would still be alive, probably pretty successful without him. And such a beautiful woman would have found a boyfriend or husband without a single problem. Everyone he loved would be better off without him. Dean. Jess. Mom. Dad. Bobby.
And then it hit Sam. He could spare the world and his loved ones from him and the pain he caused. And he could spare himself from spending one more second in this hell-hole; he could spare himself from being Lucifer's vessel.
It was just what Dad had said. Sam had to be saved or be killed. It was already too late to be saved, so Sam should do what Dean couldn't . It would be a win-win situation after all. The younger Winchester would be freed from his misery, and the world would be free from the abnomination Sam Winchester was.
Sam already promised Lucifer that he would rather kill himself than becoming the devil's vessel. So why shouldn't he just do it? He did not want to spend another minute on this earth. And the world definitely did not want him here (except the demons and devils – they wanted him to destroy the world and to initialize hell on earth - and this was just messed up).
And yes, Lucifer promised Sam could not die because Lucifer would bring him back every single time Sam tried. But: Who said that the devil was telling the truth? Who said the devil was honest? It was worth a shot. Trying it out would not hurt anybody.
So Sam snatched his .45 magnum revolver. It was one of the weapons he had kept in case he had to defend himself. He had given his other weapons to Dean, since Dean intended to still go on hunts, which Sam definitely would not do.
Sam held the gun toward himself aiming for his heart. Without a second thought, he pulled the trigger. The bullet lodged in his heart, while Sam felt down to the ground.
Maybe it was the shock, or maybe it was the fact that his emotional pain overrode all other kinds of pain, but Sam did not feel physical pain. He just felt the impact of the bullet forcing him down to the floor, and then he felt the blood flowing out of his body, soaking his clothes and the carpet. He began to feel dizzy, and his vision blurred as the life drained out of him. He felt how the life left his body. Maybe he would make it and die. Maybe he would do something good for once. Maybe he had made it and would not become Lucifer's vessel, but be a dead person.
Thanks for reading :)