Here I am again with a new chapter.
Thanks for your lovely support! You are AWESOME!
The mistakes are all mine….like always: D…
I don't own Supernatural… but I like to play with the characters…
Sorry it took me so long to update, but I was on a vacation and afterwards was visiting my grandmother to help her with some stuff and hadn't found the time to write…but I am here again!
Have fun with the story ;-)
"He knew he had to investigate.
That would be the only thing that would calm him down.
Go out into the cold darkness and find out what was there.
You must face your fears.
You must confront them head on and find out what is real and what is imagined.
That's the only way you can proceed through life."
― Stein, Garth
Dean was watching a lame soap opera - on mute as he did not want to wake his sleeping brother. It was still true that daytime TV sucked, but Dean's focus was on his sleeping sibling next to him.
It was not the most comfortable position he was in laying next to Sam, actually, it was one of the most uncomfortable position Dean could think of. He just had little space on the bed and had to keep himself from falling down from the bed. He was cramped next to his injured, gigantic brother as he did not want to steel Sam space, which left very little for himself. And he needed to be very careful as well as he neither wanted to cause his brother physical pain or disturb him nor did he want to disturb all the wires and tubes coming from different parts of Sam's body.
Even if this was the most uncomfortable position ever, Dean never felt more comforted. He was reminded at the times when he was little and mom had just died and he needed to crawl in Sam's crib to be with Sam, to feel save and to be able to sleep.
His brother was next to him: Still breathing, still moving, still snoring and still living. He had not lost him. There was relief in the situation, but everything that had happened recently was just stomach-churning.
Sam tried to kill himself. Sam was gutted. Sam was chased by Lucifer. Sam met Lucifer disguised as Jess. Why was it always them? What had they done to deserve this? Dean was tired of it, tired of all the bad stuff, but he would never give up on something concerning his brother.
He would fight for Sam. He would make Sam feel worthy again. He would make Sam feel loved again. He would make up to Sam after he led him into suicide by ignoring his pleas. Never again would he ignore his brother's pleas for help, never again would he ignore a distraught message. How would he have coped if Lucifer had not brought Sam back? Dean could have never forgiven himself. He could barely life with himself right now. Never again would he let his brother separated from him, never again would he let his brother go this far, get this broken and hurt again, even if it meant talking about feelings and facing his own greatest fears, but everything done for Sammy was worth it.
Sam woke up to his brother cheering voice, who was still on the bed next to him, but was about to get up.
"Rise and shine, my little sunshine"
"Shut up, Dean."
"Woah, you're hurtin' my feelings…"
Things seemed to get normal, even after all they have been through, after all that Sam had told Dean. They could annoy each other again, banter and talk about nonsense. For Sam this was an awesome feeling. For the first time in a long time he felt loved, protected and secure again. He felt whole again with his brother at his side. But there was this underlying fear of the future, too. What would happen to him? What would happen to Lucifer? Would he and Dean really be okay as in permanently?
"How are you doing, Sam?"
Dean was solemnly focused on taking care of Sam.
"Maybe you ought to cancel the apocalyptic war. Don't really feel up to it."
Sam joked. What spoke against a little humour? He felt like crap, yes, but for being in an ICU he felt really good again. It bothered him to be laid up her, bedridden, but he could not do anything against it.
"Yeah, I am going to delay the apocalypse. Michael and Lucifer have to wait some to get their asses kicked… Other topic, here is yummy food for you." Explained Dean, while pointing at the tray table.
Sam rolled his eyes. Hospital food was tending to be disgusting. Sam and Dean had their fare share of hospital stays and they barely get something edible as food. But not only that, but Sam was on a special diet just containing soft foods as his stomach could not handle every food due to the trauma to his abdominal cavity and intestines. The perspective of mashed potatoes and a milkshake was not even close to becoming anything near Sam's favourite dish.
But the worst part of the perspective of a meal was that Sam was not allowed to sit up and since he could barely move due to weakness and pain and was laying flat on his back, feeding himself was an unaccomplishable challenge, which meant that probably someone else would feed him and this someone was probably Dean.
"Does that have to be? I am not really hungry." whined Sam.
Dean laughed. "You sure you are 27 years old… You are behaving like a minor. Do I have to make plane noises while feeding you, so you are eating?"
"God no. Never would confront you with your greatest fear…"
"Funny, Sam. That is the only remark you have got for me? Whatever. You still need to eat, man. You need to get your strength back. The faster you start to eat again you can get out of ICU and get the NG tube out of your nose."
The prospect on getting out of the ICU and getting the annoying NG tube out of his nose was promising. The NG tube itched and Sam wanted to get rid of it, like he wanted to get rid of all the other tubes, so Sam agreed on eating a little bit slow.
"Just if you don't make plane noises, Dean." warned Sam.
Dean was accomplishing his task to feed Sam and tried to not annoy or embarrass his brother too much while doing so (Even if it was fun, he did not want to send Sam over the edge). He was reminded of the times when Sam was just a small kid and Dean used to feed him. Nearly losing Sam (again) really made Dean a little bit nostalgic.
Dean did take care of a lot on that day. He helped Sam eat, even if Sam ate very little, but who would have an appetite after their intestines had been ripped from their body? Sam said it would be Dean. Dean shaved Sam and tried to make him comfortable. The only time Dean left the morning was when the nurses bathed Sam and emptied his catheter bag, so Sam's privacy was not disturbed even more and he was just hovering outside the room instead of eating something or showering or changing or something like that.
For Sam this indicated just on thing: Dean was feeling overprotective and guilty, which led Sam to talk to Dean.
"Dean. You don't have to watch every single move of me. It is not like I am still suicidal and even if I was, I can't kill myself. I am in a hospital. I am taken care of. Besides, stop feeling guilty… It is not your fault…"
What was he supposed to answer to this? It was not like he could switch his feeling off. It was not like he could forget everything that he had just found out.
"Just humour me, okay? You nearly died – even if you can't actually die – and you told me that you tried to off yourself and you want me to just forget about it? Sam I can't. I am sorry if this is annoying you, but I can't switch it off and yes I feel guilty, because I sucked at being a big brother. I should have never turned you down on the phone and none of this would have happened."
Sam sighed – He did that a lot lately. Why was his brother so stubborn? Oh, he got it. That was a Winchester treat. Maybe the two of them just should stop to feel responsible for stuff that was not their fault.
"Dean, listen. You were angry with me and ignoring somebody you are angry with is normal human behaviour. Besides, we can't chance what happened, I am alive and you are here, so can you at least let your guilt feelings go?"
Not it was Dean that sighed. Apparently it was contagious. When Sam looked at him with those puppy dog eyes Dean just could not do something else than to agree with the guy.
"I'll try. Other topic, Sam. Ehm… how exactly did you try to kill yourself? I just need to know, Sammy…"
Dean needed the information. He needed every single detail to understand what exactly had gone done, to understand how his brother had been thinking and what he could do against it.
Sam gave him a questioning looked, which asked, if Sam really had to explain that and Dean nodded.
"Well… It was after the events at the bar, after Lucifer and after I have talked to you and I was kind of depressed and despised myself a little bit…and I thought why don't give it a try. If you die you end your misery and Lucifer has no vessel and if not nothing has been lost, you know? Had my gun after all and so I just shoot myself…"
Dean's stomach was churning. God, it was so painful to hear his brother say stuff like this. How could his brother have given up his own life?
"Well… I woke up later… was kind of depressed, sorry and mad about still being alive... the bathroom mirror had to pay for my anger.. And I decided to drink myself into oblivion…"
Dean felt nauseous. Sam had just told him that he felt sorry about not being dead. That was just wrong. Dean could barely bear hearing stuff like this out of his brother's mouth, but he needed to know what was going on inside of Sam. Normally Dean avoided talking about feelings, but it had to be done.
"That is the reason the hunters could pick so easily on you… Other question…did you try to fight them?"
Why needed Dean to know everything? Sam felt uncomfortable revealing his darkest thoughts. But he could not avoid answering this question as he and Dean just got back together and he did not want to screw it.
"No, I did not. I was hangover and man, I did not want to kill other hunters… just when they wanted me to drink demon blood and wanted to summon Ruby I was kicking', but still to hangover to win the fight… Do you want to know any more or are you happy now?"
Happy was not an emotion Dean felt. He was a lot, but not happy. His little brother needed new self-esteem.
"After… äh… Ruby….had… you know… What did you think?"
Since when was Dean a person who asked to talk about feelings and Sam the one, who was annoyed by it? Was it upside-down day? Apparently some suicidal ideations could lead to talks about feelings.
"I thought I would die and come unfortunately back and then you came – did not think you would - and I was on the one hand glad that you were there and on the other hand sad because now I could not die and really had to go through recovery…I just wanted to get healed up and pain free…"
Dean was glad that Sam was honest, but at the same time shocked about all the revelations.
"You wanted the devil to heal you? Do you still think dying would be an option to speed up your recovery process? Because if you say so, I am definitely ripping your head off; it is way too risky."
Sam shook his head violently. He had thought about this just for a very short time until he made his decision.
"No, I don't. I thought about it, but I decided against it. No matter how much I wished my body to be healed, I would not want Lucifer to heal me. Who knows what he would to do me before he heals me? I have met him often enough, I do not need to meet him anymore…"
Dean nodded. This answer was satisfying for a chance. At least Sam did not want to do anything, which contained dealing with Lucifer. Of course the supernatural way of healing was easier and faster, but when it was the devil, which healed, Dean gladly declined the offer. The bastard of Lucifer would not get power over Sam in any way. Castiel lost his power to heal since he abandoned his place in heaven, so the only way for Sam to heal left was the natural way.
"Any more questions, Dean?" asked Sam, who watched his brother think about everything.
Dean had some questions left and wanted to talk a lot. Why were Sam's numbers not available? Why doubted Sam Dean's love back then? Yeah, they were not on the best terms, but Sam should always have in mind that Dean loved him no matter what. He wanted to talk about Sam's self-hatred and about the future of them. For the first time in Dean's life he actually felt the urge to speak things out especially since Sam went as far as to commit suicide. But for now it was time to ease down and let the matter rest for some time. Sam was recovering from a near fatal injury after all and weak and in pain and still in ICU and them both needed a break from all the emotional outbreaks.
"I have, but I think that was enough for one session…We can talk later about that. As long as you are laid up here we have a lot of time to talk things out, okay? Just let us relax a bit… "
Allowing themselves a break Sam and Dean were able to relax a bit.
This meant listening to music, talk about unimportant but nice things, letting Dean flirt with the hot nurses and apologizing for his behaviour, just enjoying the time together and watching TV.
Sam could not see the whole screen of the TV since he still had to lie flat on his black, but Dean told him that was not this bad, since the only interesting movie had some clowns in it and they would freak Sam out.
Also Sam called Bobby to reassure him that he really was okay and to take Bobby's guilt about sending these hunters, who hurt Sam, to him away. Luckily Sam did not have to reveal to Bobby that he tried to kill himself, but he was pretty sure that Dean would tell him eventually.
All in all they could loose some of the tension which had been building up.
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