Behind These Hazel Eyes
Disclaimer: I own nothing. These characters belong to the creator of Glee.
Wasted Too Much Time
"So, where the hell did you run off to anyway? We searched all over the place for you and we couldn't find you anywhere, so we finally just gave up and got back to the sweet lady lovin that had been interrupted by Britts insisting that we go to Berry's wedding and support her."
"She's our friend San, plus I thought you'd look super-hot in your bridesmaid dress."
Santana flashed a smile at her girlfriend and shrugged her shoulders signaling that she did not really mind being forced to go to Rachel's wedding. Although she absolutely hated to admit it, and probably never would, she had started to look at the little Broadway diva as a friend of hers. Well, sort of. She still couldn't stand her most of the time. "Whatevs." She looked back to Quinn. "So, where did you go?"
"I went to the school."
"Yeah, I never woulda thought to find ya there." She stated pointedly, taking a bite of her breadstick.
"It's alright. Rachel knew to find me there." Quinn said in a soft tone of voice. It sounded distant, like she was lost in her thoughts as she stared down at her food and stabbed at it with her fork. She was uninterested in talking to her best friends at the moment. Not because she did not love talking to them, she did, but because she needed to be talking to Rachel. They had so much that needed to be solved and she hated being patient and waiting to do things on the other woman's terms. She had too much that she needed to say and do to make up for the years.
Santana and Brittany exchanged a look, both knowing what the other was thinking, before looking back across the table at Quinn.
"Okay, so if Berry knew where to find you and she did, what are you doin' here with us?"
"She wanted some time to think." She shrugged her shoulders.
"And that's really sweet of you or whatever Q, really I commend you, but seriously? You finally have that crazy diva dwarf where you want her and you are what? Gonna give her some space to decide she wants Finn? Uh-huh, not on my watch. Look, I get it. You're scared. I went through the same thing with Brittany here, and I almost lost her 'cause of it. Being too scared and stupid to make a move that I let someone else come in and take her away from me, is that what you want?"
"No, of course that isn't what I want to happen." She stated with sorrow on her tongue, letting out a frustrated groan as she placed a hand to her aching forehead. Quinn didn't know what Santana was suggesting.
"Well, then do something about it."
"What do you propose that I do about it exactly?" She questioned with a raise of her brow.
"I dunno, what do you do when you like someone Q? Ask her out on a date or something." Santana said with a dismissive wave of her hand as she continued to eat. She was concerned with Rachel and Quinn's relationship because she cared about Quinn and she wanted her to be happy finally. Even if she could not begin to comprehend how the other woman could make her happy, she knew that she did and she wanted to help support it.
Quinn thought it over for a moment and considered the idea. She could ask Rachel out on a date and then show her how amazing dating her would be, show her that their connection was more than lust, that she was worth a try. But what if it was just too soon?
"She was just engaged to Finn and getting married to him."
"And now, she's not 'cause she wants to give you a freakin' chance, damn it. So how bout you go for it and stop sitting around here wasting time like you've done all of high school?"
"San, I haven't had a crush on Rachel all of high school—"
"—Whatever you have to tell yourself to sleep at night Q. I'm not gonna judge you. I know you've had a thing for Berry since the beginning of high school. Hell, I knew that was why you picked on her and treated her like shit, I mean you did it for no reason, so please just listen to me and do what you've been wanting to do forever."
"I guess that it couldn't hurt to try." Quinn concluded with a soft smile.
"That depends on your definition of pain. Dating Rachel Berry sounds excruciatingly painful to me."
Quinn stared down at her fingertips as she tapped them against the steering wheel of her car in an anxious manner. She was matching the beat of the song that was playing over her radio. She had never heard it before, but as she listened to the lyrics she felt that they were speaking directly to her.
I know that I hurt you,
with these words that,
just keep slipping from my tongue,
I know I'll desert you before you can, when I think you'll run,
before you run.
Staring up into the rearview mirror her hands started to shake as she listened to the song, as she stared into her tear-filled hazel eyes that were staring back at her. She was disgusted with herself. She hated herself for hurting Rachel so many times over the years, for pushing her away, for calling her names and doing anything to hurt her in order to feel better about herself. Quinn had just wanted to feel better about herself.
She wanted the feelings, the need, and the desire for the other woman to go away.
Turn to hatred.
It would have been easier to admit that she hated Rachel Berry than to ever admit that she was in love with her. But, apparently she had been beyond obvious with her love. Even Santana had known about it. 'For Christ's sake, how could I be so obvious… how could I hurt someone that I love so much?' She did not understand who she was the last four years. Her existence had been a complete lie. Chasing after a man who she had thought would fix everything, being with him and marrying him and giving her family everything that they wanted.
A perfect little Christian who was married to a jock who owned his family business, it would have been perfect. But it wasn't perfect. It was never perfect without Rachel. Love, it's complicated,
My heart, it hesitates,
You know love seems far and distant,
for some, for some,
Don't let go, I'm almost there,
Don't say things you can't take back,
Her body shook as tears started to stream down her pale cheeks and over her neck, soaking her blonde hair. Lowering her head, she closed her eyes and started to wheeze loudly needing to catch her breath. She felt like she was suffocating. She was terrified. Terrified to get out of the car and confront Rachel, to ask her out on a date and come out to everyone. Although, she had already sort of done that when she interrupted the wedding.
"Oh god!" Quinn screamed, slamming her head hard against the steering wheel as sobs wracked her body. "They're all going to hate me!"
Still, as she continued to listen to the song she knew what she had to do. Slowly her body stopped shaking and her tears stopped falling, her breathing calming to short gasps for air before settling.
She needed to confront Rachel.
She could not continue to push her away because she was afraid of what everyone else would think, because she was afraid of losing her friends and family, because honestly she did not need them if they could not accept her. She had them over the last years, she played their game and catered to their wishes, and she was never happy.
Her happiness resided in the house that she was parked outside of and she knew what she needed to do.Don't you say, don't you say,
That you're walking away from me,
Lover stay, lover stay, with me.
As the song came to an end she reached up her shaking hand and turned the key in the ignition, killing the vehicle and the radio. Opening the door she forced her chin up and feigned confidence as she stepped out of the car. She needed to at least pretend that she was confident in her decision.
Making her way toward the front door of the Berry residence was the most horrifying experience of her life. She could feel her heart pounding painfully against her ribs, her throat closing up, her ears thudding, her body shaking and her skin was hot. It was excruciating and she wanted to run, she wanted to hide, return to her old life, her safe life. But, she didn't turn back. The words from the song repeating over and over in her mind as she tugged her pink bottom lip between her teeth and chewed on it.
Lifting her hand she knocked quietly on the front door. Then she knocked again, louder, in fear that Rachel had not heard.
Rachel opened the door quickly and it cause Quinn to jump and let out a startled squeak, her voice cracking and her heart leaping.
"Quinn, what are you doing here?" Rachel asked with her eyebrows knit together as she looked her over with large worried brown eyes. "Quinn, your forehead is red; it looks like you have been hit. You weren't hit were you? And have you been crying? Oh god Quinn—"
"Don't worry Rachel, no one hurt me. I'm just having a bad day." She assured, silencing the worried woman.
Rachel nodded, but she still looked apprehensive with the answer. Quinn loved that she was concerned with her. Taking a step forward she placed a hand on Rachel's arm, feeling her skin tingle at the contact, she loved touching her. "Rachel, I promise. No one hurt me."
"Then what happened, why do you look so…" Her voice trailed off.
"So terrible?" Quinn laughed humorlessly.
"You never look terrible Quinn. You are always breathtakingly beautiful." Rachel quickly reassured causing a bright blush to taint her pale cheeks. She loved when Rachel called her beautiful. It meant more to her than when anyone else did so because she actually believed it when Rachel said it.
"Thank you." She whispered out, before answering her question. "I look terrible because I just spent the last hour or so crying outside of your house and trying to find a way to ask you something very important."
"What is it that you needed to ask me?" She wondered staring into her captivating hazel eyes.
"I wanted to ask you to go out with me, Rachel."
"As in, on a date."
Rachel's eyes widened and she looked away, starting to back up and pace in front of the beautiful blonde. "Quinn, I—I just got out of my relationship with Finn and as I previously told you, I am going to need some time to readjust to these strange feelings that I have somehow obtained for you and—"
"—You need to test these feelings out, Rachel. Please, just let me take you out on one date? If you hate it or decide that you aren't ready afterwards that's fine, but please?" She pleaded moving toward her and holding onto her arm, forcing her to look up at her.
"I need more time."
"Rachel, we've already wasted too much time. Please?"
I hope that you all enjoy this chapter! Please do leave me some reviews and tell me what you think! I would love to hear it.
There will be a lot of fluffy Faberry next! I promise.
Love you guys!