Threadbare South Park
Episode #203: "Mysterion Has Titty-Vision"
NOTE: This piece is written in the form of a script. It's rated T for naughty language and sexual content. Kenny's lines are parenthesized to indicate that they are muffled.
This story takes place shortly after the establishment of Coon & Friends, before the BP incident. As a friendly reminder, the members of Coon & Friends are as follows:
The Coon (Cartman)
Human Kite (Kyle)
Iron Maiden (Timmy)
Mint-Berry Crunch (Bradley)
I refer to them by their superhero names when they're in costume and their real names when they aren't.
Part 1. Superheroes Need Secretaries Too
ALL CHARACTERS AND EVENTS IN THIS EPISODE-EVEN THOSE BASED ON REAL PEOPLE-ARE ENTIRELY FICTIONAL. ALL CANON CHARACTERS' LINES ARE WRITTEN BY THREADBARE...POORLY. THE FOLLOWING SCRIPT CONTAINS COARSE LANGUAGE AND DUE TO ITS CONTENT SHOULD NOT BE READ BY ANYONE.
The superheroes of Coon & Friends are having a meeting in their secret headquarters in Cartman's basement. The Coon sits at the head of the table. He raps one of his claws on the table and starts the meeting.
The Coon: Welcome, fellow superheroes, to another meeting of our illustrious organization, Coon & Friends. Okay, who has the minutes from last week?
Human Kite: Toolshed took the minutes last week, right?
Toolshed: Nuh-uh… I thought we decided that was going to be TupperWare's job.
The Coon (starting to get annoyed): Where are the fucking minutes, TupperWare?
TupperWare: Did I…? Oh! I remember! I gave them to Iron Maiden!
Iron Maiden: TIMMEH!
The Coon: Where'd you put the minutes, Iron Maiden?
Iron Maiden: TIMMAY! Livin'-a-lie TIMMAY!
The Coon sighs in frustration. He glares at the other superheroes.
The Coon: Okay, new Coon & Friends rule: Don't give important documents to Iron Maiden, because he's a fucking retard.
Iron Maiden (angrily): Timmeh…
Human Kite: Dude! That's not cool! Don't call Iron Maiden a retard!
The Coon: But he's retarded.
Mysterion: Seriously, Cartman, you can't just call Timmy a retard.
The Coon: Whatever. The point is, Iron Maiden can't keep track of shit. Where's the official Coon & Friends Rulebook?
Mint-Berry Crunch (sheepishly): I… I gave it to Iron Maiden.
Iron Maiden: Livin'-a-lie TIMMAY!
The Coon (slamming his hands on the tabletop): The fuck, you guys? We can't be an elite superhero crime-fighting syndicate if we can't keep track of our fucking shit!
TupperWare: Look, why does it even matter if we keep track of the minutes? I mean, can't we just go ahead and fight crime without them?
The Coon (sighing, exasperated): Coon & Friends is a not-for-profit organization, and in order to be eligible for tax exemption, we need the fucking minutes!
Mosquito: I kind of just want to be a superhero.
The Coon: Fuck you, Mosquito!
Just then, the heroes can hear the door to the headquarters (Cartman's basement) creak open. They look up at the stairs and see Charlie walk partway down.
The Coon (annoyed, to himself): Motherfucker.
Charlie: Are you guys playing superheroes again?
The Coon: Damn it, we aren't "playing superheroes"! We're having a Coon & Friends meeting! Now get your ass out of here!
Charlie: Can I be a superhero too?
The Coon: No.
The Coon: What part of "no" do you not understand? Girls aren't allowed in Coon & Friends. Now get the fuck out of here before I have Human Kite zap you with his laser vision!
The Human Kite stares intently at Charlie with his hands on his temples as if focusing a psychic energy. He makes zapping noises with his mouth. Charlie stomps out of the "headquarters". Once the door to the basement slams, the Coon glares at Toolshed.
The Coon: What the fuck, Stan?
Toolshed: I didn't tell her, I swear!
The Coon: Then how did she know we were having a meeting again?
Toolshed: Come on, dude… It-it isn't that hard to tell. She probably just knows to check here when we're all suddenly gone.
The Coon: Well, you'd better tell her that next time she comes down here, we're gonna sic Iron Maiden on her.
Iron Maiden: TIMMAY!
TupperWare: …Should I put all this in the minutes?
Toolshed enters the Marsh house after the meeting ends. He sneaks upstairs past his parents and runs to his room. He opens the door to find Charlie dressed in a tight neon green jumpsuit and goggles. She's wearing large woolen socks. Toolshed stares at her oddly.
Electroshock: Greetings, Toolshed! I am Electroshock, and I come in search of an alliance!
Toolshed: What the hell are you doing?
Electroshock: I am Electroshock! I too am a superhero! I have the ability to deliver high-voltage electric shocks to my foes!
Stan (taking off his Toolshed goggles and putting on his hat): Get out of my room, Charlie.
Electroshock: But look! I've got a costume, and I already know my powers and everything! Can I play superheroes with you guys?
Stan: For your information, we aren't just "playing" superheroes. We actually fight crime.
Electroshock: Can I fight crime with you guys then?
Stan: No. Get out.
Electroshock glares at Stan, then walks up and pokes his cheek, delivering a "high-voltage electric shock" to her "foe".
Stan: Ow! What the hell, Charlie?
Electroshock smiles, rubs her feet on the carpet, and pokes him again. She repeats this several times as Stan yells at her.
Stan: Ow! Get out of here! You—ow! You definitely can't join if you're going to be an asshole!
It's the middle of the night. Stan is asleep in his bed when someone starts nudging him.
Stan (opening his eyes tiredly): Wha—What?
He turns on his bedside lamp. Charlie stands next to the bed. She wears a dark green shirt and light green tights, and she wears a leafy laurel on her head.
Coniferus: Greetings, Toolshed! I am… Coniferus!
Stan (exhausted and annoyed): Go away, Charlie.
He lies back down and covers his head with his pillow. Coniferus lifts up the pillow and continues.
Coniferus: I have the ability to communicate with plants and animals!
Stan: That's soooo gay.
Coniferus: …It is?
Stan: Yeah. That's, like, the gayest thing since... [yawn] since, like... skinny jeans…
He grabs the pillow out of Coniferus' hand and goes back to sleep.
The next morning, Stan is eating a bowl of Cap'n Crunch's Crunch Berries (NOW WITH AN EXCITING NEW MINT FLAVOR!) when Charlie comes up to the table, dressed in a lab coat. She wears thick glasses and medical gloves. Stan sighs and pinches the bridge of his nose.
Doctor Faustus: Greetings, Toolshed! I am Doctor Faustus, and I have the power to reanimate the dead!
Stan: Charlie, did you ever stop to consider that maybe it isn't the costumes you're screwing up, and maybe it's just… you?
Charlie (taking off the glasses): …What do you mean?
Stan: I mean you should just give it up. You can't join the group. Unless Cartman decides to change the rules, you're out. And trust me, Cartman isn't—
Charlie has already run out of the room. Stan sighs.
Charlie rings the doorbell at Cartman's house. After a few seconds, Cartman opens the door.
Cartman: Well, well, well. Look what the cat dragged in. If it isn't Miss Tittie Long-Stocking. Whatever could she want?
Charlie: [After a brief pause.] Cartman, can I please join Coon & Friends?
Cartman: Hmm, let me think about that for awhile. Uh, no.
Charlie: Why not?
Cartman: Because… I hate you.
Charlie: But you hate Kyle more than you hate me, and you let him play with you guys.
Cartman: Damn it! We don't "play!" We fight crime! Is crime "playtime" for you? Is that how you get your rocks off? Do you think arson, and murder, and rape are some sort of… sick game?
Charlie: I didn't—
Cartman: And don't you DARE try to tell me where to place my hate! There's plenty to go 'round! Besides, you're a girl. And girls aren't allowed in Coon & Friends.
Charlie: Yeah, but I'm not really a girl. I mean, I have a vagina and stuff, but… but I'm cool. …Right?
Cartman stares at her, mildly disgusted, but doesn't say anything.
Charlie: [Sigh.] Look, what do I have to do for you to let me in the group?
Cartman: There isn't anything you can do. [He pauses.] Well, there is one thing…
Charlie: What is it?
Cartman: First, I need you to buy a pickaxe, a shovel, and some trash bags.
Cartman: And then I want you to use those items… to kill Kyle.
Charlie's hopeful expression turns to one of annoyance.
Charlie: I'm not going to kill Kyle, Cartman.
Cartman: I thought you wanted to join Coon & Friends.
Charlie: Yeah, but I'm not going to kill Kyle.
Cartman: I'll give you three days to think it over. After sundown on the third day, the deal is off. [Charlie stares blankly at him.] When you decide, you know how to reach me.
Charlie: I don't need three days to think it over. I'm not killing Kyle.
Cartman (sighing): Fine. You can kill Stan, if you really want to haggle this way.
Charlie: I'm not killing anybody.
Cartman: Then you're not joining Coon & Friends. End of story.
He closes the door on her. She steps off the stoop, looking angry.
Charlie: I'll show him. I'll show all of them. I'm going to make the best superhero identity they've ever seen!
Charlie sits on the floor in Shelley's room, drawing out plans for her costume. She pauses, taps her chin with her pencil, then smiles as if struck by a stroke of brilliance. She beings scribbling frantically.
Charlie: Yes… Yes… Yes! It's perfect! They'll have to let me in their stupid club now!
Coon & Friends is at another meeting in their secret headquarters. The Coon sits at the head of the table, looking extremely irritated.
The Coon: You lost. The minutes. Again.
TupperWare: I'm sorry! My mom thought they were junk so she recycled them!
The Coon: [Sarcastically] Oh good! At least she recycled them! Too bad humanity won't be able to enjoy the nice clean earth once we've been wiped out by crime!
Human Kite: Cartman—
The Coon: That's "The Coon" to you, asshole!
Human Kite: …The Coon, don't you think you're overreacting? I mean, it's really not that big a deal. We should really be trying to do something productive while we're here, not just waste our time worrying about last meeting's minutes.
The Coon sighs deeply, then he pauses for several seconds.
The Coon: Kyle, I hate you soooo much. I mean, SOOOOO much. Like, if you took all the hate of all the other people in the world and combined it into one giant ball of loathing, I think I'd still hate you more.
Just then, the boys can hear the sound of the basement door flying open. Heroic music begins to play, and another superhero runs down the stairs, holding a cassette player. It is, of course, Charlie. She is dressed in a skin-tight orange leotard with a blue swimsuit bottom, grey boots, blue gloves, and a purple mask and cape. The most distinctive feature of her outfit, however, is the large metallic aperture attached to her head. By attaching thick wire to the ends of a set of headphones and a large metal ring resting on the top of her head, she has managed to balance a large circular object a good eighteen inches above her head. It is a large model of a doctor's stethoscope. The boys stare at her, baffled by the bizarre costume.
Stethoscope: Greetings, fellow superheroes! I am… [she strikes a heroic pose, pointing at the sky] STETHOSCOPE! [The music stops.]
The Coon: And I am… at a complete loss for words.
Stethoscope: With my superhuman hearing and my ability to communicate with the creatures of the ocean*, I believe I would be a valuable asset to your alliance!
Stan (pinching the bridge of his nose): Oh my God. Go home, Charlie.
Mosquito: Yeah, we can't have girls with no pants on in this group. Mysterion won't be able to focus.
Mysterion is indeed staring at Stethoscope, and he looks quite distracted. Stethoscope looks crestfallen. She had expected a more positive reaction.
Stethoscope: Come on you guys. [She puts a hand to one of the wires coming off of her head.] Do you have any idea how long it took me to make this?
The Coon: Pfft. Too long, apparently. Sorry, kiddo.
Mosquito: What's that thing supposed to be, anyway?
Stethoscope: It's a giant upside-down stethoscope. It gives me super-hearing abilities.
Mosquito: Really? That's kind of cool.
Stethoscope: Sorry? You're gonna have to speak up. This thing doesn't really work. I can't hear anything.
The Coon: Nuh-uh, Clyde. Super-hearing is a really lame power.
Stethoscope: That's a little harsh for someone who let Captain Crunch in the club.
Mint-Berry Crunch: Nothing beats the awesome power of a well-balanced breakfast!
Human Kite: I don't know, guys. Maybe it wouldn't be such a big deal to let her join.
The Coon: Fuck you, Human Kite.
Mysterion (staring at Stethoscope's tight-fitting leotard): I absolutely agree. I think it'd be a very, very good idea to let her join.
Stethoscope: See? Kyle and Kenny are with the program.
The Coon: Kyle doesn't count, and Mysterion's just ogling your hooters.
Mysterion: That is absolutely untrue!
Stethoscope: My what…?
The Coon: This is getting out of hand. Methoscope, you stay over there. Coon & Friends need to have a private conversation.
The Coon & Friends huddle around the table.
Mysterion: Did any of you know that she was starting to… you know…?
TupperWare: Starting to what?
The Coon: [Sighing] Mysterion, you really need to keep your penis in your pants. Now, I need to remind you all of something: when we first established the Coon & Friends over ten days ago, we founded it on a set of core principles. One of those principles was that girls were not allowed in the club. And do you remember why we made that rule?
The others think.
TupperWare: I'm pretty sure it was something about Mysterion needing to focus.
Mosquito: Yeah, somethin' about "titties".
Mysterion: Hey, that's not true! Kenny McCormick might get distracted by titties, but not Mysterion!
The Coon: Yeah, I was thinking more along the lines of "they come up with superhero identities like 'the Stethoscope,'" but that works too. Of course, if we hadn't lost the RULEBOOK, Iron Maiden, we wouldn't have to speculate.
Stethoscope (getting their attention from across the basement): I can hear you guys! I can hear your whole secret conversation!
The Coon (shouting back to her): Nuh-uh, no you can't!
Stethoscope (loudly): Charlie Pierzynski can't hear you, but Stethoscope has super-hearing abilities, and she can hear everything you're saying.
Mosquito: She's right.
The Coon: Nuh-uh, Clyde! She's just pretending!
The other boys look at each other.
Human Kite: Well, what's the point of being superheroes if we don't pretend like we have superpowers?
Mosquito: Yeah. If we don't role-play right, then this whole thing kind of sucks.
Stethoscope (yelling): You guys? You guys? You need to build a… a sound-proof vacuum chamber. Otherwise I can hear you.
Mosquito: Wow. She's good.
The Coon: Oh, come on, you guys! Do you really want a girl in Coon & Friends?
The boys look at each other again.
Human Kite: Well, look, maybe we could cut her a deal or something. Like, maybe she could be an unofficial member and just come to some of the meetings or something.
The Coon: What the fuck, Human Kite? I'm seriously, that's, like, the gayest thing I've ever heard.
Toolshed: Wait, I think the Human Kite might be onto something. [The Coon rolls his eyes.] No-no, just hear me out on this. We've been having lots of trouble keeping track of stuff, right?
The Coon: Well, that's mostly just Timmy's fault.
Iron Maiden (indignant): Timmay!
Toolshed: So what if we had, like, a secretary** or something? You know, someone to hold onto all our stuff and take the minutes and everything. We could let her be a secretary instead of an official member, and she'd be allowed to come to some meetings, but not talk so much.
The Coon: That's your brilliant idea?
Mosquito: I think that's a good idea.
TupperWare: Me too. Writing minutes is for pussies. I don't want to do it anymore.
Mint-Berry Crunch: This plan has the approval of Mint-Berry Crrrrunch!
The Coon: Seriously you guys, you're really busting my balls right now.
Toolshed: Come on, Cartman, it's not that big a deal. Plus, girls are, like, super organized, so you won't have to worry about losing all your crap anymore.
The Coon: [Pause.] …She won't be an official member, right? Because she needs to kill Kyle for that.
Human Kite: Wait, what?
Toolshed: Not an official member. Just a secretary. She won't be allowed to go on missions with us.
The Coon: I can't believe I'm actually considering this right now… [He sighs deeply.] Fine. You guys suck ass, but fine. But we have to be absolutely sure about something first… Mysterion, you're sure you won't be totally distracted by her huge friggin' knockers?
Toolshed: Dude, what knockers?
Mysterion: I'm sure. Whereas Kenny McCormick might have difficulty with this challenge, Mysterion is above the carnal desires of the flesh. He is the very pinnacle of valor and moral propriety.
Mosquito: How could you have difficulty ignoring things that aren't there?
Mysterion: They are there. You just have to look really hard.
The boys all glance over at Stethoscope from the table.
Stethoscope: Are you guys done talking?
TupperWare: I don't see it.
Mysterion (gesturing at Stethoscope): What, are you guys blind?
The Coon: Mysterion, do you need to go sit in the corner until you've got your raging boner under control?
Mysterion: Mysterion doesn't get boners! Kenny gets boners!
Stethoscope: What are you guys talking about?
Toolshed: Nothing. You're our new secretary.
Stethoscope (holding her arms up over her head): Yippee!
Mysterion's eyes widen. He looks down. Ashamed, he walks over to the corner.
*Aqua-Man reference! Lame superheroes kick ass... if that makes any sense.
**Another superhero reference. In the early Justice League comics, Wonder Woman, the only female in the group, was their secretary, not a full team-member.