TSP Episode #203: "Mysterion Has Titty-Vision"
As a friendly reminder, the members of Coon & Friends are as follows:
The Coon (Cartman)
Human Kite (Kyle)
Iron Maiden (Timmy)
Mint-Berry Crunch (Bradley)
(And Charlie is "secretary" Stethoscope)
I refer to them by their superhero names when they're in costume and their real names when they aren't.
Part 3. Little Circles inside of Bigger Circles
After leaving Kenny's house, Kyle and Charlie walk down the street. Kyle still looks angry. Charlie looks confused and nervous.
Kyle: …That asshole!
Charlie: Why are you guys so mad at Kenny? What was he doing?
Kyle: [Sigh.] Look, just… just don't worry about it, okay? It's a Kenny thing. Stan's gonna talk to him and it'll all work out just fine.
They walk past Cartman's house and he bursts out of the front door in full Coon costume.
The Coon: You guys! You guys! I'm seriously, you've gotta come to a Coon & Friends meeting RIGHT NOW!
Kyle: Why weren't you at school today, fat-ass?
The Coon: School has to wait when the Coon has a crime to solve. Trust me: this will be worth your time. I'm going to call the other Coon & Friends members. We're about to take on what could quite possibly be the most significant case of our careers.
Mysterion walks down the stairs to the Coon & Friends Secret Headquarters. He is the last superhero to arrive. Toolshed and Human Kite glare at him as he sheepishly takes his seat.
The Coon: Very good. Now, since Mysterion finally decided to show up, I call this Emergency Meeting of Coon & Friends to order.
TupperWare: Can we make this one fast? I have a lot of homework.
The Coon: Homework has to come second to fighting crime, TupperWare. Besides, you don't even need to do your homework. Everything in life will be handed to you regardless of your performance in school, thanks to affirmative action. Hooray for retroactive white guilt!
TupperWare glares at him and crosses his arms.
The Coon: Now it's time to get down to business. Today, while the rest of you so-called "superheroes" went to school to [doing air-quotes] "learn" and "get an education", I, the Coon, continued executing my duty as the watchful protector of South Park. [Human Kite, TupperWare, Toolshed, and Mysterion look annoyed at this.] I had my mom drive me to the Forest Preserve, and I investigated the scene where the body was recovered last night. Using my Coon Senses, I quickly uncovered some… well, frankly, some startling evidence.
There's a long pause. The other superheroes wait for him to continue. The Coon looks over at Stethoscope.
Mosquito: …Well, what is it? What'd you find?
The Coon (whispering and leaning away from Stethoscope): I'm afraid I can't S-A-Y while the V-A-J-I-N-A is still H-E-R-E…
Stethoscope (annoyed): I can understand you, dumbass. And that's not even how you spell vagina.
The Coon: Stethoscope, don't you remember that part of the agreement was that you could only be our secretary if you'd be willing to leave when we tell you to?
Toolshed: Yeah, sorry, Charlie. You've gotta go upstairs for this.
Stethoscope sighs, annoyed, before grabbing her clipboard and folder and heading upstairs. Mysterion leans over for a better view, and Toolshed punches him in the arm.
Mysterion: It's not what you're thinking. I was just picking something up! I swear!
Toolshed: Fuck you, Kenny.
The Coon: Mysterion, is there a problem here?
The Coon: Good, because I'm pretty sure agreed to let the Human Uterus be a part of this on the condition that you wouldn't be overpowered by her feminine wiles.
Mysterion: I'm not. Toolshed's just being an asshole.
Toolshed: Don't even get me started—
TupperWare: Can we please just get on with this? What were you going to tell us about, Coon?
The Coon: Well, I uncovered some pretty startling evidence. Check this out.
The Coon pulls out a cardboard box from under the table and pulls out an assortment of items in thin plastic bags with the word "Warren" on each of them.
The Coon: [Holding up the first bag] Bullet casings, three of them; shot out of a .45 caliber handgun.
The boys gape at the shells, astonished.
The Coon: [Holding up another bag] A pocketknife. It doesn't appear to be bloody, but it could have easily been cleaned off. [Holding up a third bag] And two pounds of high-quality crack cocaine.
Human Kite: Dude! You can't just keep that stuff!
The Coon: And why the hell not?
Human Kite: Because! You have to give that to the police!
The Coon: Nuh-uh. They already investigated and they didn't take it. They lost their chance.
Mysterion: But you can't just keep two points of crack in your basement. That's illegal.
The Coon: Jesus, you guys. Stop being such pussies. I'm not going to use it or anything.
Toolshed: It's still illegal.
The Coon: Not as long as you don't use it it's not.
Human Kite: Yes it is. It's illegal to possess crack cocaine.
The Coon (looking a little confused): N-no… No, my mom said as long as you don't use it it's okay. That's why she can't get in trouble for keeping some in her bedroom.
Toolshed: Dude, your mom is a crack-head.
The Coon: Nuh-uh! She's just holding it for a friend!
Toolshed: Or for a client.
The Coon (enraged): Okay, you know what? Fuck you guys! I was gonna tell you all about the rest of the information the Coon gathered today, but I guess you don't want to hear it!
Mosquito: What other stuff?
The Coon: Well, for one thing, I found out the identity of the vic.
TupperWare: The "vic"?
The Coon: Yes. The "vic". The "victim". Don't black people watch CSI?
Mosquito: Who is it?
The Coon: His name was Edmund Gripe. He was a forty-seven-year-old auto mechanic who worked down at the shop on Fifth Street.
Toolshed: Wait, wait, wait. How'd you figure that out?
The Coon: 'Cause there was a statement on him in the obituaries this morning; God, don't you people know anything? It said he was found dead in the woods, and that he lived alone, never married, had a few friends at the garage, but apart from that, he kept mostly to himself. [He pauses and looks around at the other superheroes dramatically.] My Coon Senses are tingling about this one, you guys. I think that there's a whole other side to this Edward Gripe guy; a whole other side that we, the Coon & Friends, must bring to the surface.
Just then, Liane opens the basement door and calls down to the boys.
Liane: Clyde, your mom just called. She wants you to come home for dinner.
Mosquito: Aw man.
Liane: In fact, it's probably just about time for all of your little friends to be heading home.
The Coon: But Mo-o-om! We need to investigate a really important mystery filled with murder, sex, drugs, and intrigue!
Liane: It'll just have to wait until tomorrow, poopsy-kins.
She closes the door. The Coon sighs and looks at his fellow superheroes.
The Coon: We'll meet again tomorrow at three. You'd all better make sure your black asses make it here too.
TupperWare: I find that offensive.
The Coon: Fuck you, TupperWare. [He furrows his brow with dramatized confusion.] You know, the weirdest thing is that they were already in these bags when I found them. It's almost as if someone… meant for them to be found.
At the Park County Police Station, Sgt. Yates and a few of his colleagues stand in front of the desk of the Chief of Police.
Yates: So we talked to the coroner, and apparently, the cause of death is pretty simple. He died of heart failure when he was out for a walk and there was nobody nearby to help him. It's a pretty open-and-shut case. [He sighs and crosses his arms.] Looks like that's it for our old pal Edmund Gripe, God rest his soul.
Chief: Good work, Yates. Now, I want you to get back on the Warren case.
Yates: Yes, sir.
He walks out of the Chief's office and to the evidence room, where he begins to sift through some boxes. He seems puzzled when he can't find what he's looking for. Another cop enters the evidence room.
Harris: Yes, Sergeant?
Yates: Do you know what happened to the Warren files?
Harris: Uh, I don't think I do, sir. [His eyes suddenly bulge.] Oh, shit.
Yates: What is it?
Harris: I brought some of the stuff to the Gripe scene.
Yates: You what?
Harris (laughing nervously): I… I can't believe it. I… I guess I must have left it there by mistake! Heh… ha-ha. Heh.
Yates: Damn it, Harris! How many times do I need to tell you not to bring your work along to crime scenes? That's how stuff gets lost and mixed up, you bastard!
Harris (looking hurt): It was just a mistake, Sergeant…You don't have to raise your voice.
Yates (sighing): I'm sorry, I'm sorry. But, Jesus, Harris… This is probably the fifth time this has happened.
Harris: I know, I know. I'm just kind of an airhead sometimes.
Yates: Well, let's go to the scene. [They start to walk out of the evidence room, but then Yates stops Harris and stares menacingly at him.] But I'm warning you, Harris, you're gonna have Hell to pay if the stuff isn't there.
Yates and Harris pull up to the scene in the squad car. It's dark out now. They get out of the car with flashlights and start to look around. Harris reaches a particular spot, then looks very nervous.
Harris: No. No. It can't be…
Yates: You find something, Harris?
Harris: Uh… hmm… I don't really know how to say this, sergeant, but, uh… I think the Warren evidence is gone.
He rushes up to Harris.
Harris: I swear, I set it down right here, and all that's… all that's left is this… this T-shirt.
Yates bends down and picks up a white T-shirt. He unfolds it. It says "WHO IS THE COON?"
Yates (shouting dramatically at the sky): Damn you, Coon! Damn you to Hell!
Early the next day, Kyle goes up to the door of the Marsh house. Stan answers it.
Stan: Hey, dude.
Kyle: Come on! It's that thing I wanted to show you!
Stan: What thing?
Kyle: You'll see! Just come on!
Stan and Kyle hurry away from the Marsh house. Once they're gone, Kenny peeks out from the side of the house and goes to the front door. He rings the doorbell. As he waits for someone to answer, he nervously glances over his shoulder a few times. Finally, Sharon opens the door.
Sharon: Why hello, Kenny.
Kenny: (Is Charlie home?)
Sharon: Yes she is. I think she's doing homework up in the study.
Kenny: (Thank you.)
Kenny walks upstairs. Charlie sits in the study with a textbook open, taking notes in a notebook. Her back faces the door. Kenny walks only a few steps into the room. After a few seconds, Charlie senses that she's being watched. She puts down her pencil and looks over her shoulder at Kenny. For a few seconds, they just stare at each other. Finally, Kenny waves hello.
Charlie: Yeah. Hi.
There are a few more seconds of awkward silence.
Kenny: (Would you do me a big favor and let me put my penis in your vagina?)
Charlie stares at him for a few seconds without saying anything.
Kenny: (Can I please put my penis inside your vagina?)
Charlie: No thanks.
Charlie: No, Kenny, you can't put your penis inside my vagina!
Kenny sighs, then walks away. Charlie continues to do her homework. About a minute later, Mysterion walks into the room.
Charlie looks up, then she looks over her shoulder at Mysterion.
Mysterion: May I please put my penis inside your vagina?
Charlie (irritated): I already told you 'no' twice, Kenny!
Mysterion (gesturing to himself): The costume…? It really doesn't do anything for you?
Charlie: Not for that, it doesn't, Mysterion.
Mysterion: But my penis really wants to go inside your vagina.
Charlie: Well, my vagina really doesn't want your penis in it. Go away, or I'm gonna tell Mrs. Marsh on you.
Mysterion: Then can I put my penis inside your mouth?
Charlie (glaring at him and yelling): Mrs. Marsh!
Mysterion runs away. A few seconds later, Mrs. Marsh appears at the doorway.
Sharon: Yes, sweetie?
Charlie sighs and looks up at Sharon from the chair.
Charlie: Mrs. Marsh, what do you do when a boy starts acting kind of weird around you?
Sharon smiles and sits down in a chair that rests against the wall.
Sharon: Oh, that's so sweet. Does one of your little friends have a crush on you?
Charlie: I don't know.
Sharon: Well, who's been acting different around you?
Charlie: It's Kenny. I don't know what's wrong with him.
Sharon (smiling as if she finds this quite adorable): Oh, that's so nice. He's such a sweet little boy.
Charlie: But I don't know what to do. I just want us to be friends like we always were.
Sharon: Well, you see, Charlie, kids your age have little crushes all the time. As you get older, you'll probably find you have "crushes" too. It's just part of growing up. Chances are, it won't last very long, and things will go back to being just like they always were.
Charlie: But Mrs. Marsh?
Charlie: What do you do when a boy keeps asking to put his penis in your vagina?
At Kenny's house, Kenny is in his room, drawing lots of little circles inside of bigger circles (wink wink).
Carol (hollering from the kitchen): KENNY McCORMICK! GET YOUR SORRY LITTLE ASS OVER HERE RIGHT NOW!
Kenny puts down his pencil and walks into the kitchen. His parents are standing together. Carol's arms are crossed, and she stares at Kenny angrily. Stuart looks more neutral.
Kenny: (What'd I do?)
Carol: I just got a call from one of your friend's mothers, and do you know what she told me?
Carol: She says you've been harassing a little girl about puttin' your penis in her vagina!
Stuart looks amused and tries to stifle a chuckle. Carol glares at him and slaps him in the head with the back of her hand.
Carol: I'm tryin' to discipline your son here, and your laughin' is just going to encourage him to keep acting this way! [She returns her attention to Kenny.] You're too young fer that sort of thing, Kenny, and so is the little girl. I don't want to hear any more about my son hitting on nine-year-olds, you got it?
Kenny: (Yes, Mom.)
Carol walks out of the room. Stuart glances after her nervously, then he turns to his son.
Stuart: Kenny, your mother's right. But I know you'll do what you want to do anyway. So if you are going to be putting your penis in girls' vaginas, I… well, I want you to have these. [He hands his ten-year-old son a box of Extra-Small Trojans.] They're condoms. I want you to be safe, now, Kenny. You got it?
Kenny looks at the box. Then he glares at his dad.
Kenny: (Extra-Small? What's that supposed to mean?)
At the Coon & Friends meeting that afternoon, the Coon tries to discuss the facts of the case. He stands in front of a large blackboard covered in diagrams, lines, charts, names, and stick figures.
The Coon: …And once Mr. Garrison was out of the way, the zebra warriors… Well, you can probably fill in the blanks yourselves. [The superheroes, with the exception of Mysterion, stare blankly at the Coon. Mysterion, of course, stares blankly at the only female in the room.] So that, my friends, is how I believe Professor Chaos pulled it off.
Stethoscope (skeptically): You think Butters killed that guy? That sounds kind of unlikely, Coon.
The Coon: Butters would totally do something like that! He's a fucking asshole! Mysterion and I have been dealing with Professor Chaos since… [The Coon looks over at Mysterion and sees that he isn't paying attention. Annoyed, he raps his claws on the table.] Mysterion! Mysterion, don't make me fucking scratch you!
Mysterion snaps back to reality, looking tired and distraught.
Mysterion: I'm paying attention.
The Coon: No, you're not. We have a case to work on, Mysterion, and you're just—
Mysterion: Don't you think I know that? Do you think I like it? It's a curse! It's a horrible curse that none of you will ever understand! …For four or five years.
Mosquito: Dude, just chill out, okay?
Mysterion: You chill out, Mosquito! Do you have any idea what it's like to not be able to jack off? It's a curse, and I have to live with it, day in and day out! And you assholes don't even care! I'm telling you, it's destroying my life! Damn you, Charlie! Damn you and your fucking titties!
Stethoscope: Wait. [She waves a hand in front of her face, thinking for a second.] Wait, wait wait wait wait. Hold up. [She stares at Mysterion with utter confusion.] You've been acting this way all this time because you think I have titties?
Toolshed: Wow, you really catch on quick, don't you, Charlie?
Stethoscope: That's stupid. I don't have titties.
Mysterion: Yes you do. All girls have titties. And yours are huge.
Mysterion: Yes they are!
Stethoscope: No I don't. I don't even have titties. See?
Charlie, perhaps the most naïve and oblivious nine-year-old on the planet, lifts up her shirt and shows her chest to the entire room of male superheroes. They gape at her, open-mouthed.
Stethoscope: See? They aren't titties. They're just nipples, same as you guys have. [She pulls her shirt back down. The boys continue to stare at her chest.] Guys?
Mint-Berry Crunch looks down at his nether regions.
Mint-Berry Crunch: That's weird… Mint-Berry Crunch senses something is amiss!
Mosquito, Tool Shed, the Human Kite, Iron Maiden, and TupperWare all look down toward their genitals too.
Mosquito: Whoa. This is awesome.
Iron Maiden: TIMMAY!
It appears that almost all of the little superheroes have erections.
The Coon: What are you guys talking about? Something with your penises? [He looks down at his own groin, which is totally un-stimulated.]
Meanwhile, something totally different has happened for Mysterion. He is completely unaroused, which seems to relieve him. He stands up, walks over to Stethoscope, and throws his arms around her.
Mysterion: Thank you. Thank you so much.
Stethoscope: Huh? For what?
Mysterion: You're right. They aren't nearly as big as I thought they'd be. I guess I just needed to get that out of my system.
Stethoscope: Oh. Uh, you're welcome, I guess.
Mysterion: Now, if you'll all excuse me, Kenny McCormick has to go jack off to some naked pictures of Playboy models!
The Coon & Friends are all in their normal clothes. They stand and sit around in Cartman's living room. Kenny comes running out of the bathroom, looking gleeful.
Kenny: (Woohoo! I can masturbate normally again!)
Kenny: (You know, I learned something today.)
Charlie: What's that?
Kenny: (I learned that women are people too, and that there's more to a female than her boobs.)
Kyle to Kenny: Really? 'Cause I think I learned the opposite of that.
Clyde: Yeah. Boobs are awesome, and Charlie is the coolest girl ever.
Kyle, Token, and Bradley: Yeah!
Charlie (smiling, flattered): Really? Thanks you guys!
Kenny: (Well, I also learned that if you're ever fixated on a specific woman's titties, all you need to do is get her to flash you and you'll go right back to normal.)
Clyde: That should be the moral of every story.
Cartman: Are you kidding? Titties are nasty.
Kenny: (You're such a fag, Cartman.)
While all of this goes on, Stan removes himself from the group and walks to the other side of the room. "Breaking the fourth wall," so to speak, he addresses the author directly with an accusing glare.
Stan: What about me? How am I supposed to react to all of this? [Pause.] Well? What would be most in-character, jackass? Do I get all freaked out and shit because she's my fake-sister? Or do I just go along with the other guys 'cause I'm a dude? Huh? Does either of those options make any sense? Does any part of this whole story make sense? [Pause.] Answer me, you dumb bitch!
The raven-haired boy—
Stan: Shut up! Raven isn't even a color! You're just doing this on purpose now, aren't you? You know what? [He flips me off.] Fuck you, Threadbare!
So there you go. I expect to write a sequel to this at some point, which would have more focus on the "crime" that the Coon & Friends started investigating here. But I have, like, seven different stories I "expect" to write at the moment, so don't hold your breath.
Reviews would be excellent. Raven is not a color. Cliches can kiss my pretentious ass.