Author Notes: Hello everyone! I haven't forgotten about my ongoing stories, but the recent school holidays resulted in very little uninterrupted free time for writing. As a result, my idle muse got naughty. I'll pin her down after this and get back to TMS and IS, I promise!
So... *nervous smile* I hardly ever read crossover fics and never thought I would ever write one myself *facepalms* but this is the result of the above - a one shot with some references to my stories, minimal plot, plenty of silliness and even more tongue-very-firmly-in-cheek humour. Best taken with a very large pinch of salt! Those familiar with my Vampire Knight fanfiction will probably enjoy this a little more, but I've also added some Snarry. The only slash here are subtle references, don't worry :)
Summary: Severus Snape has a strange dream in which he meets characters from another fandom and discover what it is to be a certain fanfiction writer's current 'favourite'.
Appreciation: A grateful thank you to my beta Vine Verrine for looking over something that isn't exactly her cup of tea. You are an angel, girl! *hugs* My appreciative thanks also go to two other angels for giving me much needed encouragement on this - Fang Filled Smiles and Schattengestalt *hugs too*
Disclaimer: Harry Potter is the brainchild of JK Rowlings while Vampire Knight belongs to Matsuri Hino.
- Story Start -
Severus Snape didn't have dreams very often. Nightmares? Oh yes, he had his fair share of those now and again, usually after returning from a meeting with the Dark Lord. Couldn't be helped, really, seeing as he was both an ex-Death Eater and a spy for the Light.
But this dream he had last night - he honestly didn't know what to make of it. At all! Wonderful. He now had something else to Occlude from the Dark Lord.
Severus sighed as he made his way to his potions classroom, his mind going over the details of that dream again. When it started, he wasn't in his quarters or his potions lab or classroom or even the Slytherin common room. He wasn't in Albus' office being offered a lemon drop and he wasn't attending a Death Eater meeting being offered a torture session.
Instead, he found himself standing in front of a pair of doors. He knew that he was arriving for a meeting of some sort and that made him feel oddly nervous. Despite knowing that he wasn't in danger or being threatened in any way, the vague sense of foreboding refused to leave him.
After taking a few moments to calm himself, he pulled open the doors to see a medium sized, but cosy living room with about half a dozen people standing about or sitting on comfortable armchairs and sofas. Since his quiet entrance didn't appear to be noted immediately, he had a moment to look around.
His first observation was that the other people were all males. Most of them were young. Much younger than him, certainly - they looked no older than sixteen or seventeen, except for two men who looked more like his age group. One of them wore an eye patch.
His second observation was that they appeared to know one another, conversing quietly in small groups.
His third observation (which brought a rather sinking feeling to his heart) was that they were all physically perfect. He would have called them handsome, except that their features were so aesthetically pleasing and delicate as to render their looks almost... androgynous. Pretty, even.
Severus didn't much like being in the company of even one handsome man, let alone six. It wasn't that he didn't prefer blokes over birds, he did. But this group in particular looked frighteningly perfect. Not one of them had greasy hair or sallow skin or a prominent nose. Granted, most of them were slender to the point of anorexia, but still... no.
Merlin, he didn't even know why he was here. Something about receiving an invitation to a very exclusive club, he remembered vaguely.
All of the above took place in just a moment since Severus possessed a quick brain. Being a naturally cautious and reserved wizard, he had just decided to leave when one of them looked up in his direction. He froze, barely breathing. Flicking his wrist in a purely autonomous movement, his eyes darted down in shock when nothing happened. His wand hand remained empty. His wand wasn't in its arm holster! When he looked back up while taking an involuntary step backwards, he saw that everyone had ceased their conversations and were looking at him. In fact, those who were sitting down had stood up while the others were already walking towards him.
Severus swallowed and focused on the nearest male. He was as tall as Severus was and just as slender. Despite looking like a teenager, he wore a sharp Muggle business suit that Severus just knew was Armani. It was something he would never be able to afford, not even if he sold his house in Spinner's End.
"Hello and welcome to the club! I'm Kaname Kuran," the brunette said with a charming smile as he held out his hand. Severus stared at him, he simply couldn't help it.
Kaname had deep brown hair shot with reddish highlights that fell to his shoulders in natural looking waves. He probably had never brewed a single potion in his life judging by those shiny, lustrous locks and perfectly manicured fingernails. Bloody hell, the word 'greasy' probably didn't even exist in his vocabulary. His eyes reminded Severus of his own patronus; they were more suited on a doe than on a human, let alone a male. They were large and round, the irises a beautiful rosewood and the lashes thick and long. Then they blinked.
To Severus' mortification, he realised he had been caught staring. Flushing a little, he briefly shook the hand offered. Kaname's hands had obviously never gone near a cauldron either, but the grip was reassuringly firm.
"I'm Zero. Zero Kiryuu," offered the boy standing next to Kaname, close enough for Severus to note that they were almost of identical height. He blinked. This boy had very unusual colouring – pure white hair that fell into his eyes in straight, fine strands and clear amethyst eyes. Both his ears were studded with a number of silver accessories. He was dressed in a long trench coat, under which he wore a white shirt and black trousers. Unlike Kaname, he wasn't smiling and he didn't offer his hand.
Severus took note of Zero's barely hidden possessive air and the arm he had placed around Kaname's waist. He almost snorted in amusement, but settled for his trademark sneer instead. Just because the brunette had smiled at him and shaken his hand did not mean that Severus was in any way or form interested in him. Blokes like Kaname Kuran were out of his reach. Way out.
Even clumsy Gryffindors with awkward glasses, green eyes and messy black hair are out of my reach.
"Delighted, I'm sure," Severus drawled. His eyes flicked to the others and he raised an eyebrow. Introductions to the others followed immediately.
First was Hanabusa Aido, an even younger looking boy with blond curls that could almost rival Potter's in messiness, although he was smartly groomed enough for Severus to decide that the tousled look was deliberate. He also decided that Aido's blue eyes were even bigger than Kaname's and wondered what sort of charm he used to achieve that effect. Not that he was interested in trying it on himself. Not that he would ever ask the little upstart, seeing as how the blond was looking down his slim straight nose at him.
Severus simply smirked in return. That sort of look was only possible if you were taller than the person you wanted to intimidate. Since Aido wasn't, the effect merely reminded Severus of a puppy trying to see past the end of its nose.
Kain Akatsuki was next. The tallest and most broad shouldered male there, with short but equally tousled copper coloured hair and chocolate eyes. He was thankfully as reserved as Severus and only greeted him with a cool nod, hands shoved casually into his trouser pockets.
The two older men then came forward. Kaien Cross had long straight light brown hair caught up in such an ineffectual ponytail that Severus was sorely tempted to recommend a better quality hair tie. But behind his glasses, Cross' brown eyes had the same clear, straightforward expression as Potter's.
Merlin, this was a strange dream, Severus thought uneasily. Why did his thoughts keep returning to that wretched brat?
Cross also possessed a bubbly personality. He spouted an endless stream of pleasantries that made Severus' teeth ache. Thankfully, he was soon nudged aside by another trench coated character - Touga Yagari of the eye patch, cowboy hat and knee high boots. Severus returned his laconic nod cautiously and took note of his shotgun. Yagari was the only one armed with a weapon, and a Muggle one at that.
Unfortunately, while these two men looked to be in their mid to late thirties like Severus, they were still too good looking for his peace of mind. Their figures were tall and straight, their features paradoxically delicate. Still, the most important thing at the moment was...
"Where is this place? And who are you all?"
Despite his brusque tone that made Aido prickle and swell like an enraged porcupine, Kaname's smile remained on his face. Severus kept his eyes on the latter and his attention on the former. He wished that Aido was a student at Hogwarts so that he could deduct points for his cheek or better yet, set him scrubbing cauldrons.
Kaname's next words however, drove all manner of punishment from Severus' mind.
"I'm here to welcome you to a club called 'YenGirl's Favourite Leading Men'."
Severus' eyebrows drew together before shooting apart and flying well up. He distantly noted that Kain looked impressed by this ability. A pity Potter never did.
"Excuse me?" Severus growled. Was this one of those ridiculous gatherings where -
He broke off. Kaname had taken him gently by the arm and was leading him to one of the comfortable armchairs. Rather uncharacteristically, Severus allowed it. The others followed with strangely diabolical smiles on their all too perfect faces that made Severus remind himself of his proficiency at wandless magic.
Once they were all seated around with Kaname occupying the armchair directly opposite Severus', he leaned forward with another smile, linking his fingers together and resting his elbows on his knees. The manly pose didn't detract from his beauty in the slightest.
"We thought you'd want to know what this means," he began his explanation.
With these words and over the next twenty minutes or so, a bewildered Severus learned about the addicting world of fanfiction, rabid imaginations and an almost universal love for male/male pairings whether plausible or not, inconceivable or otherwise. At first, he was seized with panic, thinking that his secret inclinations had been discovered, only to almost collapse with relief in his chair when Kain (probably taking pity on his sudden pallor) reminded him of the definition of 'fiction' in a suitably dry tone.
But that was only the beginning.
"You see," Zero perched on the arm of Kaname's chair and took over the explanation after giving Kaname a light nudge on the shoulder to apologise for his interruption, "every writer has their own preferences in the stories they like to read and or write. YenGirl is no different. All of us here," he gestured around him and Severus saw the commiserating nods, "have been her 'favourites' at one time or other, depending on her muse. After three years, we pretty much know what she likes and doesn't like in the two lead characters of her stories."
Severus blinked again. Those amethyst eyes were something else. Compelling and almost hypnotic enough to make him forget bright emerald ones. Almost. He licked at dry lips and heard a displeased grunt coming from Yagari. The one with the eye patch and shotgun.
"But what does that have to do with me?" Severus asked silkily, choosing to look at Kaname again. His eyes were truly beautiful. They smiled even before their owner did. Like now.
"Because you are apparently her new favourite."
Perfectly shaped lips pulled back to create a fabulous smile that revealed even white teeth, even if Severus found the canines a little sharper than they should be.
"I - I am?" he croaked, his black eyes darting around to the others. At the nods and smiles, he slumped back in his armchair, looking dazed.
"He's taking it better than you did," he heard Cross murmur to Yagari who just grunted again. Severus caught sight of a sudden flush on those lean cheeks before Yagari abruptly turned away.
"Anyway," Kain took over the conversation, seeing as how the others were now occupied in grinning at Yagari except for Aido who continued to give Kaname his trademark puppy dog look. "We have it on good authority that fanfiction writers don't earn a cent from what they write. Just bear that in mind and take what's written about you with a pinch of salt."
"A large pinch. And if you can't," added Zero with a wry grin, "then just remember that there isn't much you can do about it."
Well, there went confundus charms and compulsion spells, thought Severus unhappily.
"Zero, are you complaining?" Kaname asked, his full lips forming a pout. Zero glared at him exasperatedly.
"I'm just trying to make him feel better."
"You didn't answer my question."
Severus sighed, pinched the bridge of his nose and interrupted them.
"So what happens now?" he asked warily. That brought a return of attention to him from the others, and a flurry of smiles that looked far too amused for his own peace of mind.
"Just remember the rules!" Cross beamed at him, absent mindedly patting Yagari on the arm.
"What rules?" Severus asked immediately.
Aido jumped up from his seat, sensing an opportunity to garner complete and rapt attention from everyone present. Especially Kaname.
Number one," the blond stated in an important tone as he held up a pale, perfectly manicured finger. "All leading men will cry at some point or other; it's a given. However, if you're lucky -"
"Or if she doesn't like you all that much," Kain shrugged, at which Yagari uttered a disbelieving short.
"- it will only happen once per story," Aido continued, frowning at Kain and Yagari for their interruption. "If you're not -"
"Or if she really likes you," chirped Cross with a bright smile which Yagari countered with a glare.
"- it will happen more often. Like -" Aido's glare intensified at Cross.
"In almost every chapter?" Zero chipped in with a wry glance at Kaname who, Severus noted, blushed very prettily indeed. Then the Slytherin's brain went over the words and he blanched.
Cry? As in shed tears? Never! Severus Snape, the caustic, greasy, snarky Potions Master of Hogwarts, ex-Death Eater turned spy for the Light did not cry! He found himself gripping the armrests of his chair very tightly.
"Tears of pain, do you mean?" he asked tersely through teeth clenched in fear. He had never even shed tears during a Crucio session, but then he acknowledged that he was a rarity. The other Death Eaters weren't as stoic. Wormtail was fond of pathetic, snot filled bawling while Lucius preferred a dignified show of tears, preferably two drops secreted from each eye. Not enough to render them red, of course. Bellatrix on the other hand -
Aido cleared his throat, bringing Severus from his distracted musings. The blond succeeded in looking down his nose at him this time, but only because the latter was seated.
"Yes and no," Aido answered cryptically making Severus grip the armrests even tighter.
"Well, that would be considered out of character for me," he managed coolly. "Because it is not in my nature to shed tears. For whatever reason."
To his consternation, Aido just gave him a pitying look.
"Crying caused by mental pain, not from physical injuries or torture," he elaborated in the same, deliberately slow manner that Severus often used on his Gryffindor students. Being on the receiving end of that condescending tone made the Potions Master's fingernails tear into the fabric of the armrests. Then he blinked.
Mental pain? Well, he might also have shed a few tears when Lily refused to forgive him for calling her a 'mudblood'... but that was it! And he did cry when his mama died... and then when Lily died... but that was the absolute sum total of crying in his entire life!
Not even Albus had succeeded in making him cry even though the man had come close to it on occasions with his perpetual offers of those blasted lemon drops. So what was all this crying in fanfiction then? And more than once? Perhaps in almost every chapter?
Merlin, Severus wanted out! He didn't want to be anybody's favourite! Well, except perhaps Potter's, but that was neither here nor there.
"Not that I would know," Kain inserted with a sly glance at Aido. "YenGirl's never made me shed a tear."
"Yet! The key word is 'yet'! Your story's still in progress, remember?" Aido hissed at him, cheeks flushed red. Then he took a deep breath as if to calm himself down before turning back to Severus.
"Mental pain that is actually related to rule number two." He held up a second finger. "Both lead characters will suffer some measure of angst."
"Angst," Severus muttered. Well, it wasn't as if there was any lack of angst in his life. Definitely more than anyone he knew, even - well, even saviours of the Wizarding World.
"Mental angst," Yagari bit out, looking extremely annoyed if his snapping blue eye was any indication. The resultant chuckle and bright twinkle in Cross' eyes somehow reminded Severus of Albus' twinkle. There was a chorus of 'hear hear's from the others that told Severus mental angst was a common theme in YenGirl's stories.
"Oh yes, she definitely prefers mental angst to physical pain," Kaname commented with a small laugh. He shot a secretive glance at Zero who simply nudged his shoulder again with a shake of his head and a small smile.
"The more she likes you, the most angst you get," Kain shrugged.
"Hmmph," Severus muttered. He was quite sure now that he would prefer physical torture at the hands of a madman over this 'mental angst' business. He would rather his mind, his soul and especially his heart not be involved.
"Number three," Aido was nothing if not determined as he held up a third finger. "It is almost a certainty that you will misunderstand your partner, whether willfully or otherwise."
"Thereby causing untold quantity of rule number two - mental angst," grumbled Yagari with the air of someone forced to learn something against their will.
"Leading to even more untold quantity of rule number one - tears," sighed Cross. Severus noted that he didn't seem too saddened by this particular fact. A moment later, he realised why.
"Because it leads to wonderful, wonderful hurt and comfort sessions that touch the body, heart and soul!" Cross trilled happily, complete with clasped hands and starry eyes.
"Shut up," muttered Yagari out of the corner of his mouth as he elbowed the bespectacled man sharply in the ribs. Severus noted that the colour in his cheeks had deepened.
A pointed throat clearing had everyone looking back at Aido.
"That was rule number four," he said with a stern glare around him to discourage any further interruptions.
"Number five," he continued, holding up his thumb. "You cannot claim exclusivity when it comes to - to... uh, the -" Blushing a vivid pink, he darted an embarrassed glance at Kaname who merely raised an elegant eyebrow at him.
"Physical intimacy," Kain helped him out again although he suddenly found the pattern on the carpet rather interesting, tracing the swirls with the toe of his leather loafer.
"In other words, making love!" Cross beamed around at everyone.
Severus noted even more flushed cheeks and diffident shrugs. And all he could think of was Potter's flashing eyes and attractively pink cheeks whenever the boy reacted angrily to his insults.
"Uh, right. That means you will have the chance to take and uh, be taken," continued Aido, his eyes flicking very briefly to Zero in a manner that looked vaguely guilty to Severus.
"Not for everyone," Kain put in, sounding strangely smug. To Severus' surprise, the others just pouted or ignored that statement.
"To experience both sides of the coin!" Cross sighed rapturously, now bordering on the dramatic. Severus noted that Yagari had turned away with his arms crossed and was steadfastly ignoring the other man.
"To feel cherished and loved," Kaname murmured to Zero who smiled again, briefly touching their foreheads together.
"To understand and to trust," the latter returned just as softly.
And quite suddenly, Severus found himself wondering for the first time how it would feel like to be at the mercy of someone... like a young, brash and utterly clueless Gryffindor with vivid green eyes.
Another pointed throat clearing had them all looking inquiringly at Aido again.
"Number six," he stated as he started pacing up and down. "You will never, ever cheat on your partner -"
Severus' eyebrows flew up again. What? He had absolutely no intention of seeing anyone behind Potter's back - but wait a minute, they weren't even together! Potter didn't even know that he was - well, anything other than his hated Potions professor...
"- unless there is no other recourse, or rape, which will most likely cause rules number one, two and four to occur, usually in that order. Perhaps number five as well."
Severus' mind was still stuck at the word 'rape' when he saw Aido shoot Zero and then Kaname a furtive, guilty look. Severus then observed that Kaname didn't notice because he, strangely enough, was directing a similar look at Yagari who now looked distinctly uncomfortable.
After a slightly awkward pause, Kain sighed softly.
"YenGirl is very particular in that regard. Carry on, Hanabusa," he told Aido quietly. The blond blinked and then nodded.
"Number seven," he continued. "You will find yourself spouting all sorts of sentimental drivel at your partner or at least in your head, when you think of them."
"Tell me about it," muttered Yagari although he too pretended to be fascinated in the design on the carpet when everyone's heads swung to him.
Severus snorted softly in relief. No chance of that happening to him. He was a Slytherin who had spent the past twenty over years in darkness and loneliness. Poetry did not, could not reside inside his darkened, shrunken soul. He would not even know how to wax lyrical, for Merlin's sake! Besides, what was there that was poetic about Potter? Certainly not that messy nest he called his hair, even though each strand was perfectly black and set off the pale cream of his skin beautifully. Certainly not those large green eyes that were bright at times and brilliant at others. Certainly not the graceful speed with which he moved through the air, nor that fabled Gryffindor courage as he plummeted out of the sky in yet another spectacular -
Severus blinked and clapped a hand to his mouth in horror.
"Number eight," Aido continued. "Hand holding is a must."
By now, Severus was prepared for the tender glances that took place between Kaname and Zero and their discreetly clasped hands. Involuntarily, his gaze dropped to his own hands. He had never told anyone this, but he could very happily spend a few hours clasping a particular someone's hand in his. As long as that someone didn't mind long, thin fingers stained with years of handling potions ingredients...
"Number nine," intoned Aido, making Severus look up again. "Where you will think your partner the most beautiful person in the world regardless of their gender or physical appearance."
This time, Severus saw Yagari reach out to give Cross' hand a brief squeeze and a crooked, meaningful smile which the other man returned immediately. Once again, his thoughts drifted to Potter. What would he not give to have that dratted brat look at him that way? But why would he? Potter would never think him beautiful. Not in a million years.
"And finally, number ten," Aido persisted doggedly, sounding relieved to be finishing the rules at last. He wasn't allowed to do that on his own, however.
"Is the happily ever after!" the others chorused with him except for Severus who couldn't resist rolling his eyes.
"Thank Merlin," he said feelingly. When they grinned at him, he realised what he had just said.
" I meant thank Merlin you've come to the end of the list, of course," he explained coolly, hiding the fact that he found their grins strangely predatory. Even Cross and Yagari's.
"So - who's the special someone then?" asked Cross in a fatherly manner that again reminded Severus of Albus.
"No one!" he denied a little too quickly.
Kaname shook his head sorrowfully even though the smile remained on his lips.
"It's Harry Potter, isn't it?" he asked sympathetically. "I know, because YenGirl loves Snarry."
"'Snarry'?" echoed Severus, wondering whether this was another rule or a spell or a nightmare.
"Fanfiction featuring Severus Snape and Harry Potter in a romantic light," Kaname explained glibly. "You might as well accept it, you know. You have no say in what a fanfiction writer wants to write about you, as long as he or she abides by the rules on the website."
Zero nodded, giving Kaname a sidelong glance.
"Even if that person is someone you disliked intensely in canon," he murmured.
"Or had always thought them beneath you," Aido muttered as he looked secretively at Zero.
"Or never thought of them as anything other than work partners and friends," added Yagari in a low voice as he turned to a beaming Cross at his side.
"Or had always believed them to be above you," Aido sighed, now looking at Kaname with reverence in his blue eyes.
There was a moment's pause and then everyone turned to Severus who again tensed in his chair.
"But whatever it is, your destiny is set!" they chorused in unison and then broke into laughter. It was not unkind, but Severus had no wish to join in. There was nothing at all laughable about this situation.
He blinked as he came to the end of the dream and found himself at the door of his Potions classroom. Then he shook his head. Some of those rules made him shudder, a couple made him cringe, but still...
Severus might be Slytherin to the core, but there was a tiny part in him that knew he would do almost anything just have that last rule come true - a happily ever after ending. With that wretched Potter, of course. Who else would it be?
After all, according to Kaname, YenGirl now loves Snarry!
- Story End -
A/N: Thank you for making it to the end! Did you manage to guess which of my VK fanfictions the lovely vampires were talking about? *giggles*