(The Man in the Outhouse)

This story is being told from Booth's point of view.

Remember that this story is rated T. In this case, the language is a little earthy in this chapter.

I don't own Bones.


We had just got back from England when we were called out for a case. A body had been found in an outhouse. Well, some idiot decided to smoke in an outhouse and the methane blew up in the building when he flicked on his lighter. When the cops showed up they found the guy hurt, lying outside of the Outdoor John and what looked like a body in what was left of the John.

I drove over to Bones' place to let her know we had a case. I should have called ahead. I didn't and I really should have. She'd had some guy named Mark stay the night with her.

Hey, it's none of my business who she's sleeping with. The guy didn't seem her type that's all. He's a deep sea welder. What could they have in common? I mentioned to her that I didn't think she was dating and she said she wasn't. She said it was just physical. I tried to tell her that relationships need be about more than sex; but, she wasn't really interested. I worry about her sometimes. She dates the wrong guys for the wrong reasons.

All I can say about the crime scene was it stank. I mean, wow. You have an outhouse full of shit and piss baking in the sun and the smell is just horrible. Then add in a body and I don't even want to think about it. All we could see was some guy's legs. The rest of him was in the shit and piss. I'm glad I didn't have to fish the guy's body out of there. Rank really does have its privileges.

I had the body and the contents of the outhouse sent to the Jeffersonian, six barrels of shit and piss. I have to say it again, I'm glad I didn't have to mess with that stuff.

Bones and the squints did a pretty good job. They found out that the victim had been shot and Bones found a photograph rammed down the guys throat. Someone was really pissed off when they killed our victim. The killer had rammed the picture so hard down the guy's throat that the guy's teeth shattered. Sweets said it was a crime of passion. I thought that was pretty obvious.

Angela did a reconstruction of the guys face and she identified the guy as Bill O'Rourke. Our victim was the host of the show "Busted by Bill". The show exposes cheating spouses. I've seen the show and I've got to tell you. There a lot of ignorant people out there. Bill would set up some jackass to cheat and the idiot would fall for it and then Bill would film the whole thing, including having the spouse show up and man what a mess that would be. It's a miracle Bill hadn't been killed before now.

Bones and I met with Bill's wife, Amanda. She told us that Bill had been a serious journalist before he'd been offered a lot of money to host the show "Busted by Bill". Amanda told us that Bill had a lot of enemies. I could see that. Every cheating husband he'd exposed on that show of his probably wanted Bill dead. That was a lot of suspects.

We went over to the studio where Bill worked and talked to his head producer, Arthur Lang. While we were there we also met a producer named Veronica Landau and Bill's cameraman, Pete Steckel. Pete told us that he had gone over to Bill's house the Saturday after their last shoot; but, Bill wasn't home so they had to cancel their next shoot.

Everyone assumed that Bill had gone with his wife to visit their daughter who was away in college. Arthur hadn't wanted Bill to go so they'd had a blow out. Bill threatened to quit. Since that would have cost Arthur Lang a lot of money, he became my primary suspect. I then found out that Bill was heavily insured so I brought that up with Arthur. He decided he needed a lawyer. I thought he did too.

Arthur came up with an alibi; so, we had to look elsewhere for our killer.

Sweets looked through the footage of the "Busted by Bill" show to see if he could find anyone angry enough to kill Bill.

Yeah, I just realized that's a name of a movie. Weird.

Bones had a date. I thought she was going to see Mark again; but, it turns out she was going out with some botanist named Jason Defry. Come to find out, Bones was seeing both of those guys, Mark and Jason. She was dating two guys at the same time. Mark for sex and this botanist Jason for stimulating conversation or some other bullshit like that. I tried to tell her that it wasn't right; but, she wasn't interested in my opinion. I reminded her that dating two guys was why they invented dueling; but, she ignored me. You know she's going to get hurt some day doing crap like that.

Sweets said we needed to find an angry spouse not an apologetic one. That helped to whittle down some of the suspects. After looking at a lot of tape he came across one guy that we needed to look at. Some guy named Jim Dodd was so pissed at Bill he punched Bill on camera during the filming of the show. He looked angry enough to kill Bill.

I decided that Bones needed to hear about our suspect so I went over to the Diner to see if she was there. Sweets went with me. Yeah, I know, I really wanted to see this botanist Jason. The guy seemed gay to me. That was kind of a relief. At least she wasn't boinking Mark and Jason at the same time. That would have been too much. Bones didn't believe that Jason was gay though. Sweets and I pointed out some things about Jason that made him seem gay; but, she wasn't buying.

Anyway I told Bones about Jim Dodd. The guy was a mall photographer; so, he looked good for the picture being shoved down Bill's throat. We had one small problem. No one had seen Jim Dodd for five days. I decided to hire Noel Liftin to look for Jim.

I'd been keeping track of Noel. He's a weed head; but, he knows how to find people. Stalkers are like that. Bones and me went and talked to Noel. I paid him $50 to find Jim. I figured Noel could follow Jim's friend, Chris Gutman around and he might lead Noel to Jim. Hey, it was cheaper to hire Noel to do it than to waste one my agents time doing it. $50 was pretty cheap besides the weed head could use the money.

Hodgins and some squint named Daisy came up with some good news. Hodgins found a bullet in all of that shit and according to Cam, Daisy found out that a police officer named Francis Diamond had hurt Bill in the past by ramming a shopping cart into him. Francis had rammed Bill because her husband was busted by Bill on his show. Daisy thought the bullet might belong to Francis Diamond. I told Cam I was glad for the information about Francis; but, I wasn't too happy about squints investigating suspects. That's my job and I don't need or want the help, besides, that's a good way for a squint to get hurt or killed. Cam said she'd told Daisy not to do it again. She'd better not. She won't like it if I have to talk to her about it.

I talked to Francis Diamond and she said that she was angry at Bill because he was trying to ruin her marriage. Francis said her husband wasn't cheating on her. Her husband was on tape and she still didn't believe it. Talk about love being blind. I took her weapon to see if it was used to fire the bullet that Hodgins found.

Cam called me to let me know that they found a wire in our victim's intestines and there were eye drops and Viagra in Bill's system. That seemed weird to me. Why would he have eye drops in his system? Well and the wire was weird too.

The bullet didn't match up with Francis Diamond's gun; so, she was off the hook.

Bones and I met up with Noel and he told me that he'd found Jim Dodd. Jim attends a divorce support group; but, Noel thought it was a scam since Jim was dating two women in the group. I thought that was $50 well spent.

I had Jim hauled in to the Hoover. Apparently the guy was hard to find because he was trying to stay out of the way of some loan sharks, he owed child support and alimony and to top that off he was behind in his rent. What a loser. Jim had an alibi around the time that Bill was murdered. Jim went to Jersey to borrow some money from his mother to pay off some gambling debts.

Angela finally got a good reproduction of the photo that was rammed down Bill's throat and it looked like Bill and some woman doing the nasty. The woman had a tattoo on her lower back. Angela called it a tramp stamp. I didn't ask.

Angela also found some video of Bill telling Arthur that he needed to get rid of Veronica. He couldn't work with her anymore. It looked to me like Bill had been sleeping with Veronica and that they broke up. That seemed like a good motive for murder.

Bones and me went back to the studio to talk to Veronica. Veronica said that Bill wanted her canned because she was trying to get a new show produced and Bill had claimed the idea was his. She said it wasn't. She also said that she hadn't been having an affair with Bill. I asked her to show us her lower back and she showed it to us. No tattoo. She wasn't the one in the picture in bed with Bill. Veronica was pretty pissed at me; but, I didn't care. Feelings get hurt when you investigate a murder.

Cam found a nasty infected scratch on Bill's thigh and she let me know about it. She said it probably came from someone with a tongue piercing. The woman that Bill used to entrap the Johns on his show was named Holly Markwell and she just happened to have a tongue piercing.

I got a court order for Holly's tongue stud. She didn't want to give it up; but, she finally did. She said that she and Bill had been having an affair. She'd got her job through her ex boyfriend, Pete Steckel. Pete arranged to have her hired as a production assistant. She said she met Bill and Bill took her under his wing. Yeah, I'll bet he did. She let us know that she was with him the night before he was killed. I asked her if she had a tattoo on her back and she showed us that she did. It matched the tattoo in the photo. Of course, she told us that she didn't murder Bill because she loved him.

Angela managed to do a clearer reconstruction of the picture and it showed that it was Bill and Holly. Hodgins figured out that the wire in Bill's intestines was a microphone wire. It looked like a microphone was used to ram the picture down Bill's throat. Angela also figured out that the photo was really an email. Someone sent the killer the photo in an email and the killer must have snapped. Sweets thought that the killer had to be someone involved with either Bill or Holly. The picture was placed in Bills throat so that the picture would die with Bill. Sweets is pretty good at psycho babble and this seemed right to me.

It seemed right to Bones too. She figured out who the killer was.

We were on the way out of the Lab when we ran in to Jason and Mark. They had both showed up because they had thought that they had dates with Bones. Neither of them had known about the other one. Talk about a mess. Bones tried to tell them why she was dating both of them; but, Jason and Mark didn't take it too well. It was kind of like she was telling them that only half of them were good enough for her and she needed them both to make up one good man. That's my take on it anyways. I'm pretty sure that was their take on the situation too. I'm pretty sure that Mark and Jason dumped her right then and there.

I had Pete brought over to the Hoover. Pete admitted that he had dated Holly but he kept insisting that Holly was just a roommate now. Bones told him that Bill had been home when Pete showed up and that Pete gave Bill coffee laced with eye drops. That would have given Bill a case of diarrhea. We showed him the picture and the guy broke down and admitted that he snapped and killed Bill. He said he just lost it.

Bones and me had a session with Sweets. Bones had been dressed up to go out with Mark; but, Mark dumped her so she was stuck with me. She said Jason dumped her too. Bones says she's starting to see where monogamy might be a good thing. I told her that there was someone for everyone, someone that you're meant to spend your life with. I told her that she just has to be open to see it. I hope she heard me. I don't like it when she's in pain, even if she caused it to herself. I wouldn't mind if she'd look my way, just once.

We went out to dinner. I had a coupon; but, of course Miss Moneybags wanted to go somewhere else. Since I was the one who offered to pay, I won. Still it's not like I'm cheap. I just don't like to turn down a good deal when I see one.


CBH – Wow this case was pretty gross. I've seen some bodies in gross settings; but, thank God not in an outhouse.

I can't believe that Mom actually dated two guys at once. My Dad must have been pulling his hair out. I mean they were just friends; but, still, I know Dad and he couldn't have been happy about this.


Ok, is anyone still reading this story? Please review this story if you're reading it. I would appreciate it. It's the only way I can tell if it's worth continuing. Thanks.