Hello and welcome! Well hurry up, sit down. Did you really have to go for that last biscuit? And if you weren't getting a biscuit I'm not going to apologise because frankly, you're weird.
Previously in my life…
'The gorgeous Gary upped his sticks to Hong Kong… which I've been fine about. I mean I don't think it's weird making fruit friends. And things only ever went wrong when I was with Gary anyway…'
Gary, Stevie and Clive all come running out of the black taxi waving and cheering in excitement of a party. Miranda emerges a little later wearing a knee length red dress. She shuts the door but forgets to walk away leaving her dress caught in the door. The taxi drives away (with the dress) and Miranda's face turns red with pure embarrassment. She runs down the road after the taxi shouting and pointing to the others who as usual just think that she's mental.
'Say nothing, shush please. No I'm fine, tired, but that's because I've been sleeping on a lilo 'cause my bed broke. Too much action.'
She purses her lips and looks sternly at the camera. Miranda is jumping up and down on the bed to S Club 7's popular one hit wonder (I don't even think it was that). Stevie is throwing chocolate bars at her, Miranda catches one but then the bed breaks suddenly and she falls into the deep abyss of snapped wood and failure.
'And if I have been down I definitely turned a corner last night.'
Up on stage, no surprise, Miranda is singing 'If you're not the one' by Daniel Bedingfield (again one hit wonder; she seems to have a thing for failures) whilst completely gazeboed and sipping a large glass of red wine.
'That is too high Daniel and it's unnaturally high for a man.'
She takes another swig of wine.
'Right let's jolly on with the show!'
Miranda walks down the stairs into the joke shop downstairs. Stevie is stood behind the counter barely able to see over the top.
'Hello my hobbit friend.'
'Hello my gigantic companion'
Miranda sits on an inflatable football chair, which slips out from underneath her, and she lands face down on the floor.
'It's all about the recovery'
Stevie chuckles under her breath. She is sorting through a box of baby toys.
'I can't believe this, I've been here all morning and you've been sat talking to your fruit friends again'
'I don't have fruit friends!'
She turns to the camera and looks like a naughty schoolgirl who just told a complete lie to her teacher. A little immature I must admit.
'It is only 10 am and I can already talk to Miss Heather Small,' says Stevie. 'Hello Heather! Say hello Miranda.'
'Hello Heather Small, a hearty welcome to you indeed.'
Stevie faces the head of Heather Small mounted on a lolly stick.
'What have you done today to make you feel proud' impersonates Stevie. 'Well I'll tell you Heather; I have checked through all of the stock lists and made twelve phone calls to the baby shop down the road because of a very silly mix up.' Stevie giggles sarcastically.
Miranda looks over at Stevie.
'A mix up, what do you mean? You placed the new order yourself last week.'
'I know! Wait how did you know that? You never know what's going on in this place.'
'I am not incapable of doing a proper days work you know'
In fact Miranda had just looked at the stock papers about two minutes ago and that is the only reason that she knows about the mix up.
'OK then my friend, how about you look after the shop for a while seeing as I need to go over to the toy shop down the road,' asks Stevie.
'Stevie. Stevie, Stevie, Stevie. You know I would love to stay and help my lovely little friend here in the shop; but, unfortunately…' thinking. 'I need to go and buy myself a new bed.'
Miranda turns, trying to be cool but failing and seeming camp instead, and heads towards the door.
'See, I can be responsib-' she walks into a pile of baby toys and falls to the ground almost crushing a customer. 'As I said before, it's all about the recovery.' She falls again and tears the bag out of the customer's hand to keep her upright. Trying to recover she swings the bag over her shoulder in a snooty manner and exits into the street.
'I can't believe that they don't think I can be responsible. I am perfectly capable of holding down a job for more than a week. I mean, I blame my mother for this. Whenever I get an interview, she always insists on coming with me so I don't 'embarrass myself'. Last time we went she tried to sell me into the Navy. Well I say 'sell'.'
Miranda and her mother are in the interview room with the interviewer.
'You don't have to even have to feed my daughter, look at her, she could last a week or two. She's very much like one of those camels with the humps…'
'Humps. That's a good word isn't it? Humps!'
'… you won't have to pay I am literally giving her away.'
'We don't pay for our employees Mrs Hart and I don't think your daughter is really suited to the position.'
Miranda is still sat there next to her mother but this time she has picked up a set of four Russian dolls and hitting them together to make the sound of a horse galloping. She gets up and gallops around the room. Both the interviewer and her mother stare at her as though she is the most insane human being on the planet.
'I know, say nothing. I can't help it I just get very nervous in awkward situations. I either end up singing or just acting as though I have just escaped from the local asylum. This is all going to change. I have to show Gary that I can be a responsible human being and not make a fool out of myself whenever I see him.'
Miranda enters the bed shop and a man is waiting just inside the door to help with any customer.
'Hello there. Can I help you?'
'Oh yes! I was looking for a new bed. My old one, erm, broke.'
'Of course sir!'
Miranda looks at him with a very insulted expression. 'Sir?'
The man looks back and soon changes his mind as to his choice of address to her.
'Anyway, what type of bed were you looking for Madame? A double I'm guessing for you and your…'
'Yes yes my husband! My wonderful husband called… Brian? Yes he's at work at the moment; he's a rocket scientist although he really only cleans the fish tanks.'
'The fish tanks?'
'Yes, erm, they use fish to, erm, power the rockets?'
'OK shall we move on to our new range?'
'Oh this looks fun!"
She walks up to a children's bed that has a slide leading down into a ball pool.
'Ball pool! Funny'
She walks over to the child's bed and almost starts to climb the ladder.
At the camera - 'No. That would be awkward wouldn't it? Remember I am now a responsible human being who will soon have a responsible grown woman's bed which I will use for sleeping and perhaps some other things seeing as I am now all woman!'
She slowly moves away from the bed and follows the man further down the shop.
'Miranda! Is that really you?' A short man starts to approach her from his sleeping position on a king-size bed that he was 'trying out'. 'It is you! My lovely Miranda, oh how I have missed you my voluptuous female!'
To camera - 'Oh no! It's dreamboat Charlie! What do I do now? I can't leave because that would go against my 'new woman' image and I can't talk to him normally because lets face it, he has the mental capacity of a snail and all he thinks of is his 'ball pool. OK Miranda think, what would Stevie do?'
She walks up to dreamboat Charlie and looks straight over his head. She realises that his face was 2 feet under her chin and steps back to look at him. He walks forwards and grabs hold of her hips tightly. Miranda grabs his hands and pulls him off.
'Dirty man! Get off!' He moves away and opens a bag of crisps.
'Bloody love crisps. Don't you?' He laughs into the bag and taking the opportunity like a 'responsible human' Miranda slips (runs) away out of the fire exit to one side