- TITLEā€”A Spork Amongst Fine Cutlry

- PEN NAME -DarkNnerdy beta Sushibrat

- PAIRING- E/B

- SUMMARY-A retailing of Twilight NM a Bellar & Edgard love story at it greatest! . Ass Crack-fic for JaspersDestiny The Worst Story Ever Contest.

DICLAIMER: Horrible story telling ahead. This is PURE crack. Please be warned this may cause brain damage and/or headdesking at anytime while reading. There is a...weird lemon in here somewhere. Read at your OWN risk. Not even sure SM would claim rights to these people. Please believe me when I say this is shit writing at it's best. READ WITH CAUTION!

Bellar's POV

Edgard had left me. Oh Hesus! My life was ovaries! Gone with the Windchimes! My lifesaver will nut go on! Misery! ( I LOVE MOVIE AND MUSIC REFERENCES IN FIC DON'T YOU?)

He's douched everythang that I had that remanded me of him out of my live. The photographics, GONE! A OCD i played like all the time! GONE! Tickets to a plane! GONE! I was so stoooopid to ever thank he could had been the one for this hymen. I was as plain as a plain canned ever get. I was a spork amongst fine cutlary. (AN: I HAPPEN TO LOVE SPORKS YOU BITCH)

My warm betaing heart was pump pump pumping to the beat of nothingness. My lovey ladie humps were a thumpen to the beast.

"Beller?''' Charles you are my father called to me in my coma patent state of mine. He'd been so concntrated with me. I was a zombie! I was ded inside. Outise I was a girl who just wanna get rid of her hymen.

Egdard has the key to my lokked vagina fornever.

"Go away Charlies. I want to die in my own urinal!" I breahted and choked on the stench.

"Uhhhh I ain't cleanimg that up." Whollered Charilie from the door concerned lacing his mustache. *twitch twitch* Icould practicing here it from my bed.

I slobbered and snotsobbed all overies myself. My eyeballs burned and my teef hurt for garnishing them again 1 nother. I was am epic hot mess. my hyman was still vary much in space. I would die a Virginia.

"DAMN, YOU, EDGARD; AND YOUR HUGE SPARKLE PENIS!111" I shaked my fist in air like I didn't care. How would he do this to me..? I wood neever be the same. I wood dye lonely and old amd with a unbreaken hyman of all things!

then. one day it shitted. Not my hyman but my goalie. ( I THOUGHT I NEEDED TO CLARIFY FOR YOU ALL WHO MIGHT HAVE BEEN SLOW AND NOT CAUGHT ON RIGHT AWAY IE WINDOW LICKERS)

This was da day my 1st mind jedo trick had happenes. Ladders popped(UNLIKE HER CHERRY) in front of my eyeballs. Motnhs. I racked in my chair for dates. until that has happens.

Edgard had causes this.(((((((((my epifinay . My mind were boggled by that there.

When the mammories of him floated unto my mind I realize it was more mind jedi tricked out things and I needed a shirtless wolf to fulfill my pedofile ways. Jail was my goal and Jakcob was the answer.

(WEIRD HAND GESTURE AND...SCENE...FIST TO MY FOREHEAD AND BOW)

"Shirtless child come to meh" I sceamed at Jakcob as I rode him bike. His nipples flushed in front of my eyeballs like my beaker in the sun. I wood be in prison N no thyme.

Visions od sparkles plums came to me as I roded the bike. Down the rode. Edgard appeased. I whipped my hair I whipped my hair I whiiped my hair, than he were their. It was a dream, Edgard. I can smells him arouse me.

I fall. BUMP. My head hits. OWE! teh time has stooped aroused me. -stars-

"Unf Beller your hertz." He tore his shirt open and pressd him titsicles to my face reliving the presents. Soooooo good. My beaker in the sun.

"So muchos blood." Nipples whiskered. I swooned HARD!

"Ci.; I moooooaned out. Feelers titscicles again my eyeballs. perky nipples where erywhere. I was surroundsded.

"tweat my nipples?" Jakcob mustard. his voice huskily husking my ear hares.

"What!' I, Beller, googled. Were was Charles when I kneeded him? Ughhh this were a mess. So big.

"I said damn you motorsicle!" Beaken Nipples crowed as she hips thundered at me in all it gory. He were begining to hump my leg. I were totally mortified by this mortification. (i bushed so deep)

(WEEKS LATER IN THE MEADOW)

(GREEN, TREES, MEADOW LIKE STUFF)

so many mammories aound me. the tree remind me of Edgard's bush like eyebrews and the delicate flowe was I. (crying insues) Oh Edgard. Our Meadow. it's booty. you are erywhere.

"I see the Cullenes left chew darlin' and I soooooo hungray." said lauren as he step closer and pattered his tummy.

SHOCKED! I was Shocked and APPLAUD!

"so stupid bellar" i whiskered to mahself.

"yes yew r" I herd Edgards voice whisker back in the hare.

"They do not!" I blowed out my nose!

"Did 2" he whiskered growled and beared his teeth.

"COUNTING CROWS"

I crowed. loud.

I was deaftly gonna die a Virginia.

"yew looks like a juicy stake Bellar! Vicoustoria will be piisssed of butt I cunt restist yew! Come to meh get im my belly!1111 lenord mooed at me liking him lips.

i were frozen. chilled to a very boner.

(HALLUCINATION SEQUENCE AHEAD)

"Show him a stall." Edgard emitted in my eyeballs as he stand in the gama rays and sparkled like a sparkler.

"He doesn't used the potty Edgard jaysus!" Duh. vampires dont' dont poddy. This Edgard was dumb.

"RUN Isabeller!" Edgard emitted again his weird banana colored eyes flushign with angry.

"I donut have a stall EDGARD! WHEre am pie suppost to high?" I reared back angred.

"Mother fudger just RUN!" Edgard harrasted me.

"Pushup perv!" and so I run. I run to you.

(END HALLUCINATIONS AND BEGIN HUNGER PAINS)

"NOM NOM NOM" Larent grrr'd out his manicured nails stricken towards me LIKE A BOSS.

"No lauren. Edgard is hear look?" I weaved my arms in the air magik lick. Edgard appeased in and instant...instantly.

(HALLUCINATION EDGARD APPEARANCE)

"Stap it Isabellar he cunnot see me!Didnt eye tell you to RUN!" Edgard sade. he were growlie and made lookung. I were skerred. So tood by watshing like an idiot.

"Tell him Edgard!" I crowed. my eyes drooping to hihs banana hammock.

so cclose but so fare away from my vagina looked hyman,!

"Noooooose!" I snotted.

"Bless yew." Edgard handed me hanky/

(GLITTER POOFS EDWARD)

"No it cunnot be!" lenord squeas and runs like a flashlight. My beaken.

"OMGOMGOMGOMG OHHH MEEE GEE!" I splattered and took of towards my big red.

"WEARKITTENS! They do exist!." I mimicked. they weas erywhere! Big huge gigantic furry harry nipple beakens!

Wearkitten's were chastening me and the vampcoward! I tripoded over a twig and berry's.

(SCENE)

(AND...SCENE)

"Watt are thigh doing?" I ?'d him as I watched more underage beaken nipples from ajar.

"Cliff dumping Beller. Yew want to tried it sometimes?" he askeded me.

I nadded. "of course."

"Never go to the Cliff's without meh Beller" Nipple beaken spurttered.

"butt..

"I SAID NEVER!"

"Cuz I need yew know." I brake out in song and he scoopes me into him muscled arms

(LOTS OF DRIVING BLAH BLAH BLAH AND SCENE)

you jumped! Im socked at you!" Beaken Nipples rawred at me.

I seen Edgard nuthing else matters to me then. I was gonna be with Edgard. Beaken Nipples stopeed it all.

Take me home Beaken...Jakcob." I demands and stamp off.

(BEAKEN NIPPLES RIPS HIS SHIRT OFF TO DRIVE AND OFF THEY GO)

I couldn't not stop looking at the shiny nipples. they was really was my beaken in this dark very dark world with out my Edgard.

ounce we are ate the my hose I kick Jakcob off my leg trying to make him stopped hunching it. again.

"BAD JAKCOB!111 My hyman is here," I point to my hooch. He locks confused , latches his crochet on my leg against and his hips don't lie. (GAWD I LOVE THAT SONG)

"I need to you to guess what I'm is." Jakcob said looking said,

"As fresh as I'm is?" I quoted rap musik.

"No." He nodded.

"Oh noob! Vampire!" the mammory almost bringed me to knee caps.

"No. Nodded again."

"A shirtless douche bag?" I dusted off my shoulder pads.

"FIST BUMP!" He ripped away a new shirt reliving the Beaken Nipples.

"It makers so much since now!" I chimnied in.

!"wait are you a wearkitten in douchbage overheated skins?" I nodded.

"Oh Beller! I think I husked imprinted all over mahself!" beaken nipples blushed.

"Donut get that on my leg!" I shout backed away. The lust thing I needed was wearkitten spooge on my pale brakeable legs.

I smak him on nose wif my newpapr and threatn to rub him nose in it

"BAD PUPPY"

(RING RING)

"answer I cunt not" I cry and cry.

"cold stone creamery! Beaken nipples spurred.

WAH?" I arsed. He lost it. I donut have ice cream.

Alice bursted through my door like aburster.

OHHHHH ALICE! I missed yew! Love me! I opens my arms for her to pick me up!

ice cold love surmounds me. Her nipples are even hardser than Beaken's. Hmmm.

"Vampure." Ohhhhhhhhh. I gotcha"

Oh Beller! Edgard had gone to Versace to off his sparkle ass. We must stap him!" Alice gurgled out as he swooped threw my front doores. So tiny.

"How." I hooped and hollared. "This cantnot be!

"Go away youre kind, creamy as they as is, is not welcome hear." Beaken nipple proclamed.

He were serious bidness.

I could sense it in him nippls. they was flushing like tiny icles in my faces! Powerrfull!

Donut make me make you make me,you into a vampire wearkitten! I got tha POWER!" She looks off dazed. Visions.

"Dew u see Edgard too" i askered with a creamy look in my eyeballs.

"Um no do u?" Alice asked. She looked corncobbed.

i bite my lip and blush deep orangered...

(BEAKEN NIPPLES RIPS OFF HIS SHIRT...AGAIN)

"Look at me!
Nipples ondemanded. Niples flashed before my eye.

I try to looks away but is so hard. Nipples are my kryptonite. I am a slave.

i lover him beaken nipples! donut made me chose between you 2 icunt dew that! NO!

i culd give you baby! I culd make babies on yewr face!" he offer and i felt my knees go wobble.

I cant has your puppies Beaken Nipples." I sob and shake.

""NO you can. Watch!" his hip goes BOOM in my face.

as temptin as it were I had to salve Edgard! he was my one true hyman love!

"Never dew that against, You smelled horridble. Alice grr'd wrnkled nose and all as nipples jiggled adn bounced flounced all over the rooms.

"Those' He pointys to his pointys" are the nipples of Wearkitten BELLAR!"

"Pleese jakcob dont dew this! Not know." Alice grabbers me.

"We muske go 2 edgard now bellar!

"RAGE" Beaken Nipples

"RAWR" Allice

"STAP! I',m teaam swiss schees!" I toos my hands in the air and turn'

(LONG CAR RIDE)

"wood you like a pillo miss? The woman askers.

"only if i can bite you arm." ALice snapes.

"stap it!" I almost bellow and the women turns and walks away/

"we must saved him she told me as she rubs her tempels.

I cunt see anyfing!" more crying.

I no iam so hungray" growling.

DONUT nom the peoplees"" I whsikered to my bext frand ovaries & overies.

we will save Edgrad! I will nut let you done! trust meh bellar. I lov my bother." She premises.

(PHONE CALL AND OTHER STUFF)

BUMP! we land and alice my bff steals a yellow beetle. she's is awesome!

(FAST DRIVING)

wen we get to Versace you myst trun Bellar get to Edgard under a cock. he will be their to revelle his sparkleness for the world 2 see! You stap hoim do you undrstand me?

i nod and grabbed for the door handles. I will jump! White girl can jump!

(CAR STOPS LONG ENOUGH FOR ALICE TO SHOVE BELLER OUT AND DRIVE)

NOW BELLAR! DEW IT NOW!

Shoot out the car i go! Irun fastest than evr before. legs burned and butt chekes wobble but i dew it. i pushed and i pushed and i pushed. over and ovar. i dew it for Edgard.

the love of my vagina. pushes meh. i canned dew this. so

much read. it erywhere. all round me. like upright tampons all walking arouse me. so many tampons. butt no strings.

(SEA OF STRINGLESS TAMPONS SURROUND HER ALL AROUND)

s'like a bad porno.

:EDGARD WHERE IS YOU!" I scrame at the tap of my lungs. I needs to hurry and find him. Disco balls are out of session and Alice wood kill me if he torned into one.

DONG! the cock! it is getting close noa! I must goatee him!

"OH NO! Note yet!" (MORE RUNNING AND BREATHY THROATY SOUNDS)

"UNF HARD!" i triped over my owned feets and fall into the fontain. get up! dew this! You CAN dew this! you cunt gimmie up now! must. save. sparkle vamp edgard.

must. dew. it.

EDGARD! DONUT DEW IT! STOP BACK PLEEESE!" i shouty capps and get up amd rum again!

(DISCO BALLWARD IS IN BELLERS VIEW)

(SPARKLE SPARKLE)

him arms are a waiting form me. i have mever seem such perty sparkle nipple ever! better beakens then befor. I need him like the desert needs da milk!

the cock strikes noob and i scrame!

oH GOD! NOOOOOOOOOO1111!

Dam you EDGARD!

I leap...

I bound,,,,,,

I fly::::::::::

I in the air and...

UNF! HARD! (again) rite into him chizled sparkle nipples!

so prettah oh jaysus i want hims! him is always so hard.

i drool. even my lad bits drool am dribble. im so hot. and ready. im like an easy bake oven. LAY ME EDGARD!

"Put your sparkle stik inside my dripping lurve cavern EDGARD! ITS HEAVING!

i ponts to my crotche as it heaves and hoes juts for him!

Is that relly you? Bellar! you is an angle! and sooooo wet!

YES! NOW GET IN MY VAGINA! I spurted out. I culdnt help it. he was so shiny. and here.

you smellt so good! im wet dreaming! that were so fasts!

I looks at him funneh. then at him crotch,

"YOU HAS GOTS TO BE KIDING ME!" I whisker shout! my arms throw up!

"You didnut even make it in meh! DMAN YOU EDGARD!I cryes and slobber sob!

whert? he lookers at me and then at him crotch.

Ohhhhh Bellar! you R real!

::touch ma butt Edgard!" moaned out loud as i nuzzeld his nee. my hand groped his amd make him slap my ass! soooo gud!

i culd brake you Bellar! donut as this of me!"" h looks so hart broken over it.

yes! brake my hyman! its all yores! take it Edgard! take the hyman! touch my butt!" I biten on his nipple as it sparkels in the sun!

u are so big!" i whisker as i run my elbow into himc rotch. i can feel my overy scream from witin. it wants him. inside meh.

you'are my vagina whiskerer Edgard. you must penetrate and speak tp it. SPEAK TO MY VAGINA! TELL ME WHAT HER SAYS!" I bugged him! i nooded this so bad! I need ed him!.

you arre so tite! he moan/growl/moans out

that's my butt edgard! wrong hole!" I scream im him ear! i clench my butt cheaks. i donut want him in tehri!

i needs to talk durty to him! get him in the mood. he need to no my vag wants him.

" I has a heavung swollon drippung cavern that were made for you to spurlunk into wif your dazzle dong Edgard! stick it to meh! brake my baby barrier! whose my daddy! smcak my ass! put you popsicle in my hole! DEW UT EDGARD! show my vagina whose boss!"

"SPIT ON IT BELLAR IM BOUT TO BUST IT WIDE OPEN!"

"BALLS DEEP!" I coo in him ear! he ripes my pants away my body and bits him lip as he reveals my creamery skin.

"YOU CAN DEW IT!" a tampton yells fram somewere off.

"Banged me like a drum! put you tube in my throat hole!" moaning.

"if i hertz you Bellar you must told me!" Edgard mewls.

sure...sure" I nad at him.

I do too kegles to ready my dripping walls of love butter for him. my baby cave heaves and tighters in perspiration.

"let me dazzle yew with my disco stick!" BAM!" he whipps it out and I know call him Beaken penis! HUGE! SPARKLEY!

"MAKER my vagina glitter Edgard!" Boom him shoves it in my schweddy love mound. my lips mold to him Beaken penis. IN...OUT...IN...OUT

"MY HYMAN! YOU BREAK IT!" I scream in pan and love.

"oh god! I so sorry bellar!"

SHUDDDUP!" Edgard. brake it harder!" I smack my hip again him and we sound like too steaks beating again one nother. SMACK SMACK! i nothing but horney!

"YES UNG UNG beat iyour pepperoni into my meaty virginia!" I moo as we wet slap again.

"Soooooo tight soooo juicy!"

I cam feel him smack my thigh wif him balls poof of glitter and smoke! Baby cave walls surmound him and milk his glitter stick.

"You man root! So big Edgard! SMACK MY ASS" I pull him hair and moon his name.

"Yes bellar! butter my hoagie! Whose you daddy! Milk me Bellar MILK ME!" him screams like a girl and pounds my mound.

"BLOW MY WEINER WHISTLE!" he begs

so i spit and blow and blow and spit ovary and ovary.

I can fell him dip stick probing my swollen walls of sex. He punds me again the wall. ovar and ovar his glitter balls smacked my slicked with sexy thigh. my clitoris is swellen with antipciation. its like a mini beaken penis waiting to be rubbed and tickled by him glittered pubes.

TOUCH MAH BUTT EDGARD! POUND ME WIT YOUR CULLEN HOAGIE!"

"Ima spew my load in yew Bellar! Edgard rumbles into my neck. i can feel him swizzle love stick knock (TAP TAP TAP) again my cavernous baby cave begin for releef.

"Drench mah baby cave Edgard! Spill yo seed!"

"Touch my butt!" Edgard sqeeks. I can fell him clench him cheeks and i sqeeze!

"UNG UNF GAH! JAYSUS! BELLARRRRRRRRRR!"

wif a long shudder we both flall to the cold floor. Edgards glitter limp man dong slaps my face on the way down and I fell in love all dover again.

"never leaf me Edgard...ever..!"

"Merry me Bellar! Be my Spork amongst fine cullen cutlery!"

"DEW ME AGAIN EDGARD!" I bush and nod.

I will alway be him spork.

Not really sure if I want reviews for this or not LOL