Doubts
By: Olivia

"No, when the fight begins within himself, a man's worth something."-Robert Browning-"Bishop Blougram's Apology"

"Other sins only speak; murder shrieks out: the elements of water moist the earth, but blood flies upwards, and bedews the heavens."-John Webster-"The Duchess of Malfi"



I was wired. I couldn't sleep. This is why I was jogging at two o'clock in the morning down the residential streets near my home in Falls Church. Sweat poured over my body and my heart slammed into my chest repeatedly as I rounded another corner.

I should be at home, in bed, asleep I berated myself. I will be paying for it tomorrow morning at work. But somehow I knew I'd be dealing with this case longer than just tomorrow.

Who could blame me for not wanting to sleep? I had just nearly died in my sleep. Or I had almost killed my new partner. Partner-that had an odd ring to it, like a key that fit into a lock, but couldn't open the door.

I rounded another corner. I don't know what is upsetting me the most-nearly dying or the dream of being responsible for the death of Agent Scully. To die was horrible, but to live with the guilt of killing another human being, that was worse.

But had the thoughts of Agent Scully's demise come from Tipet or myself? If it were from Tipet, my conscious would be cleared. If not..... I'm sure Agent Mulder had never had any subconscious dreams of killing Agent Scully. I have nothing against Agent Scully to want her dead and would never kill anyone except in self-defense or to save lives.

This case bothers me and it bothers me more because it does bother me. I should just dismiss it and move on with my life, but for some reason I am stuck-unable to move forwards or backwards. The more X-Files cases I'm on, the more I find myself in this frustrating place.

Maybe this wasn't about her at all. Maybe it was about what she represents-the X-Files. If not for her and Agent Mulder I would never have been assigned to this division as punishment. Did I have a problem working the X-Files? Grudgingly, I admit to myself that I do not have a problem with it. The more time I spend with Agent Scully, the more personally involved I become in these cases, in finding Mulder, and yes, in her.

It is slowly becoming more than a job, more than an assignment-it's becoming personal. I can't leave the office behind when I come home. Not that I ever really could as a New York City cop or a U.S. Marine either, but these cases really make a person, I can't believe I'm thinking this, take a second look as life as we know it. It was one thing to read about the cases and it is certainly another to live them as I'm finding out. It's that human element that can't be read to be understood, but must be understood through experience.

And what is with Agent Scully lying to me about her whereabouts during this case. No, she didn't lie to me, she just kept the information that she was admitted to the hospital due to acute abdominal pain to herself and Assistant Director Skinner. I remember reading in one of the case files that Agent Scully had a bout with cancer a few years ago that nearly ended in her death. Has it come back? I truly hope it has not.

Whatever it is, she's not going to tell me. Doesn't she trust me? Would I trust myself if I was her? I don't think this is about trust. She trusts me on a professional level, but I am not her confidant outside of work. Whatever it is it strikes me as a personal matter which if she wishes to share with me, I will be there for her, but if she doesn't then I won't press the issue. Our partnership is new, time is needed, but somehow I feel Agents Mulder and Scully were close almost from the beginning of their being partnered with one another.

From the time I've spent working with her, I can tell she's an independent, controlled person who doesn't let her inside feelings appear outwardly for the world to see. The rare exception to that rule would be the when she broke down crying after she killed, in self-defense, our last link to finding Agent Mulder. She doesn't speak to me of Agent Mulder, unless it is in reference to a case-whether it be a case that they had worked on together in the past or how he might view our current case. Perhaps she sees her relationship with her first and, in her mind, only partner as personal and not something to be shared with the outside world. Whatever her reasons, I know she feels his loss keenly and am certain that if Agent Mulder was still here she would have told him what was wrong and he would have been by her side at the hospital. I just hope that when she told me everything was okay that it truly is.

Despite the fact that I'm not sure I want my partnership with Agent Scully to end or to stop working on the X-Files, I hope we find Agent Mulder. I'm curious to meet the man that has inspired such devotion. The only way I can learn about him, since Agent Scully really isn't talking, is through his work. His life was his work but somehow I feel that he is more than that and much more complicated. I think finding Agent Mulder, will fill the void I see plainly written on Agent Scully's face in those rare moments when she doesn't realize she's wearing her heart on her sleeve. I hope we find him alive, but everyday I'm beginning to have my doubts. Maybe what she needs is closure either way.

I have found myself back at my house. I stare up at the steps leading to my door. I don't want to enter. I don't want to go back to sleep even though I know that Tipet is dead and I am safe. The answers I have tried to seek have eluded me. I take some comfort in that trying to take Agent Scully's life horrified me. But I know now that dreams can kill and that has shaken my faith in the rational world once again.