Well! A multichapter fic. I've been writing this to blow off steam and to amuse myself, so it's pretty much crack, but it's been fun. Let's hope you share my sense of humour.
This is complete, by the way- but unbeta'd. I'll post new chapters as soon as they're edited, so you should get fairly regular updates.
Warnings for... crack, OOC, occasional swearing and general silliness. There is no actual slash but there are several jokes about it.
Enjoy, and please take the time to drop a review if you can! I work faster when I know my work's appreciated :D
Prologue: The Kill Itachi Club
"Welcome," said Sasuke, in a solemn and ceremonious tone as befitting such an occasion, "to the first official meeting of the Kill Itachi Club."
Naruto did not look appropriately impressed. "Yeah, yeah," he muttered dismissively. "Look, Sasuke, you promised there'd be pizza."
Sasuke shot him an irritated look.
"Fine. We'll order the pizza first," he sighed, rolling his eyes.
"I want a meat feast!" Naruto cheered enthusiastically. "Large! With extra everything! And a coke and fries on the side and some of those chicken dippy things with the spicy sauce and garlic bread and-"
"Naruto," Sasuke cut him off sharply. "No. Sakura, what do you want?"
"Vegetarian, please, with extra mushrooms... oh, and a sprite."
"Oi, Sasuke! Bastard, I said-"
Sasuke narrowed his eyes. "You may have one regular sized pizza, one side and one drink. You may choose to have one extra topping. If Sakura is feeling particularly charitable, she may agree to order a side with her meal to share with you."
Naruto grumbled unintelligibly for a minute or so before finally responding. "Fine, prick. Meat feast with extra pepperoni, fries and a coke."
"I guess I'd like whatever that chicken thing was, then," said Sakura, which got her a cheer and a hug from Naruto.
"I'll order the pizza then, shall I, little brother?"
Startled, Sasuke looked up to find his older brother leaning against the door-frame insouciantly with an amused smirk on his face.
"The 'Kill Itachi club', Sasuke?" he asked.
Sasuke whacked his head against the table with a loud thump.
The Kill Itachi Club was not off to a very auspicious beginning. To start with, Itachi was right there, draped elegantly over the arm of the sofa with a pizza box balanced on one knee. How he could possibly look so dignified lounging about eating junk food, Sasuke would never know.
He tried glaring at him for a while, but when that got no reaction, he decided to just plough on with the meeting anyway, Itachi be damned.
"Welcome," he said, a warning tone in his voice as he eyeballed Naruto meaningfully, "to the first meeting of the Kill Itachi Club."
Sakura shot an awkward glance at Itachi. "Uh."
"Just act like he's not there," said Sasuke through gritted teeth.
Itachi finished off a slice of pizza and raised his hand thoughtfully. "I have a question, little brother."
Sasuke ignored this. "Our goal is-"
Itachi smirked wickedly. "Oh, Sasu-darling..." he trilled, in an eerily accurate imitation of their mother's voice. Sasuke's eyes widened in horror. Naruto guffawed.
"You promised you'd never-!"
"I have a question," Itachi interrupted, his voice once more toneless.
"Sasu-darling?" asked Naruto, still laughing. Itachi shot a quick glare in his direction.
"My question?" he prompted.
"Yes, dearest brother of mine?" Sasuke ground out, his tone promising violent bloody death with a side of mutilation thrown in. Itachi didn't seem to be affected.
"Ah, how to put this...? While I do appreciate the gesture, Sasuke... why have you started a fanclub in my honour?"
"IT IS NOT A-" he began, but Itachi interrupted him, voice utterly calm; expression the very picture of innocent brotherly concern.
"I love you dearly, brother mine, but surely you must understand that this rather crosses the line of our purely familial bond."
"I AM NOT-" he tried again, but got no further than last time as Itachi cut in again.
"And though I can certainly understand why you might desire to emulate me, Sasuke, I'm not entirely sure that such a thing is healthy for-"
He'd had enough. "WILL YOU LET ME FINISH?"
Silence, blessed silence.
Sasuke took a deep breath.
"This," he stated, glaring wild-eyed at anyone who might even dare to interrupt, "is the KILL ITACHI club. Because. I want. To kill you."
Itachi's eyebrows raised, drew together, his expression soulful. "Little brother, you wound me."
"You are a demon from hell incapable of any human emotion and lacking the ability to feel pain," responded Sasuke automatically.
"That hurts, Sasuke. Right here." He clutched his hands to his heart. Sasuke twitched.
"You have no heart."
Itachi rolled his eyes.
At this point Sakura, up 'til now merely a bystander to the brotherly feud, felt it was time to step in.
"Uh, Sasuke... why do you want to kill Itachi?" she asked, shooting a wary glance at the older of the two brothers. Itachi gave her a little wave.
Sasuke blinked at her.
"Isn't it obvious?"
"Ah... not exactly, Sasuke. No."
Sasuke sighed theatrically.
"Alright, fine. It was just after I won that bloody competition..."