A/N: I know that the whole "bashing Mary Sue" thing has been done to death, but after reading a bunch of "OC" stories, I couldn't help myself. (Seriously. Pass the brain bleach, please.)
For the record, I do not claim to be some amazing wonderful writer whose every word should be taken as the Gospel truth. I know that I'm not perfect and that I'm not exactly the expert at creating perfect OCs. (And by perfect, I mean not perfect.) Flames will be used to toast marshmallows. Mm, marshmallows.
Any resemblances (names, etc) to other fics are purely coincidental. I'm using examples from the Mary Sue community as a whole, not from select stories. (But if you're reading this and think, hmm, this sounds like my story, that's probably not a good thing.)
I hope you excuse my horrible attempt at humor here. I've never been funny and I'm not about to start now.
Rated T for swearing, "character" bashing, and breaking the fourth wall.
I do not own Percy Jackson and the Olympians.
"Annabeth, please. We have to do something about this." Rachel Elizabeth Dare throws her hands up in the air, scattering handfuls of paper every which way. "Look at this! They're starting to make me go OOC! Me! And I'm the freaking Oracle!"
Annabeth Chase sighs, leaning back in the creaky wooden chair. They're sitting in Rachel's temporary apartment on the top floor of the Big House, which has been basically converted to an art studio with little room for sleeping. Or eating. Or breathing. "Yeah, well." Damn. She can feel the effects of the, eh, new campers on her, too.
"You're the daughter of Athena," Rachel continues. "And this is the only place where we can talk without… them." Her voice drops into a low, ominous whisper. "We have to get rid of them, Annabeth. If they stay here… the things I've seen…" She takes a deep breath before uttering, "Doom and destruction upon us all!"
Yeah, this is a problem, all right.
"So it's just the two of us against all of… them?" Annabeth clarifies.
Rachel nods solemnly. "We can't trust anyone else. They've been around them too much. Percy and Nico and Will… even Chiron. You've been in San Francisco and I've been at Clarion, so we haven't been exposed as much as the others. The Sues won't come up here." Her fingers clasp Annabeth's arms so tightly that she can feel the circulation begin to cut off. "Please, Annabeth. We're the only people who can stop them."
Annabeth isn't the daughter of Athena for nothing. When you set out to beat the odds, you must first make sure that you can survive the odds beating you, and she's smart enough to know that even with the Oracle of Delphi on her side, she can't stand up against a flood of insane Mary Sues with theoretically impossible powers.
Despite herself, she says, "Okay, I'll help." It's better than just sitting back and doing nothing.
Rachel scoops up a few sheets of paper, sloppy words writing in uneven lines. "Jasmine Emerald Sapphire Starr," she announces. "Flowing chocolate brown hair, shimmering blue-green eyes, long legs, thin but with curves, and the ability to control water."
"Daughter of Poseidon?" Annabeth guesses. Once upon a time, this would be extremely unusual, but ever since the first Sues started showing up, it's gotten more and more common for a child of the Big Three to pop up here and there.
"Probably," Rachel says, shrugging. "I read the first three sentences of her story and nearly keeled over from the lack of punctuation and correct grammar."
Annabeth holds up another sheet of paper, squinting to read Rachel's extremely messy handwriting in the dim light. "Naomi Celeste, alleged daughter of Artemis, incredible archer, amazing tracker, warrior hottie… you're keeping files on them?"
Again with the throwing of hands into the air and the scattering of paper. "Well, what am I supposed to do? It's the only way I can keep them straight! I swear, they're all exactly the same!"
Rolling her eyes, Annabeth continues reading. "Silver-gold eyes, long auburn hair… when she sings, even the birds stop to listen. Isn't that plagiarism?"
"The author's words, not mine. If she can be called an author. That's practically the only legible sentence in the entire first chapter." Rachel stacks the files on her paint-splattered desk, finger running along the sloped lines. "I'm seeing a pattern here. Look, this is Nohealani-"
"It means beauty from heaven. I think. Anyways, it says that she has, and I quote, entrancing beauty, one that draws in and captures unwanted attention. Hmm… she's nice, quiet, shy, with genius IQ and a 4.0 GPA even though she has dyslexia and ADHD. Once she came to Camp Half-Blood at the age of fifteen, since her godly parent 'forgot' her, she apparently blossomed into the wonderful person she is today. She's a strong and independent individual…" Rachel's forehead meets the desk with a loud thunk.
"So most of Camp Half-Blood is now made up of extremely good-looking young girls with incredible powers whose fatal flaws are almost always something along the lines of too loyal or nice to everyone," Annabeth observes. "They should have put morbidly annoying."
"She has purple eyes," Rachel moans.
"And they have the ability to make all characters around them extremely OOC to suit their own needs," Annabeth adds. "Including us."
"Glimmering violet, Annabeth."
"They're amazing fighters and yet gentle, kind, caring, understanding, and always beautiful- often likened to goddesses." Pausing to read a few more lines, she adds, "Aphrodite's not gonna like this."
Rachel pulls herself together long enough to lift her head from the table. "Notice how Drew's usually the slutty antagonist," she points out. "Always trying to steal the guy. Or me. Or you. In some cases, Thalia. And we're always OOC. I mean, really. Do I seem like the type to wait outside someone's cabin and plot murder on their poor, innocent souls?"
"Does it really say that?"
"We should take them to court," Rachel says. "I'm sure this is against the law somehow. I mean, we have rights, don't we?"
"We're fictional characters. Most of them seem to be either Nico's sister or his girlfriend," Annabeth continues. "And most of these stories involve some kind of backstabbing jealous bitch. This- hey! I never did that!"
"This is a daughter of Zeus who can control all four elements," Rachel says. "Adena Avani Aysu Anila. It means fire, earth, water, wind."
"Gods help us."
"Wait, no- the long awaited plot twist is that she's actually a child of all of the Big Three and can also somehow control fire, too, even though she's not related to Hephaestus at all. I don't even want to know how that works."
"This girl's tears turn to diamonds. And she can control minds. Even though she hates doing it because she believes in the power of free will and… I can't read this." Annabeth crumples the paper into a ball and throws it off to the side. "Okay, then, that's settled. What are we going to do about it?"
Rachel shakes her head in despair. "I… I don't know."
"They're too strong together. We'll be overpowered." Master Strategist Annabeth folds her arms over her chest, thinking. "We'll have to weed them out, one by one."
"That'll take forever. Besides, this author isn't patient enough for that. Too many chapters."
"Well, we can select a few of them and put enough chapters out there to get the point across of What You Should Never Do Even If Your Life Depends On It. And then finish it up with a nice little life lesson. The author can just assassinate the rest of the Sues in their sleep. She'll have fun with that."
"But if we stay around them for too long, we'll go OOC, just like Nico and Percy."
At the sound of her boyfriend's name, Annabeth stands up, hands clenched into fists by her sides. "We have to save them," she snaps. "We can't let the Sues use them like this any longer. Give me a prophecy, Rachel, so we can do this officially."
A/N: I'm way too lazy to actually come up with a prophecy. Use your imaginations.