Sad Cases


"How you feeling then Si?" Will asked his recently hospitalised friend. The mid-afternoon sun boiling them as soon as they stepped out on to the Crete back roads.

"Honestly? I've never felt better," Simon said confidently, putting his arm around Lucy's shoulders, giving her a genuine smile.

"What about that time Carli gave you a blowy behind the bike sheds?" Jay chimed in on cue, Jane hitting his chest with a gentle slap.

"Leave it out Jay...besides it was only a handjob," Simon replied, grinning, Lucy grimaced then put her bottom lip out and pretended to be upset.

"Christ, even Briefcase has had more action than that," the scruffy haired youth said, nodding towards Will, laughing.

Alison laughed too, turning Will towards her, as a couple of mopeds whirred past them. "Briefcase?" the blonde asked.

" school, I may have been called 'briefcase wanker' for carrying said briefcase around in place of a rucksack." The bespectacled one stared at the dusty pavement in anticipation of ridicule.

"Funny that...I now know what to get you for a souvenir, Specs," Alison teased, winking at her new boyfriend in his black rimmed glasses, before pinching his upper arm.

Neil and Lisa trundled slowly behind the trio of couples ahead, their lips firmly locked on to each others mouths. Jay glanced back and did a double take, pointing and chuckling with Jane. They were all walking back to the boy's terrible accommodation, the fresh sea air doing their lungs some good; other British tourists, students, the middle aged and Grecian workers strolled through the warmth. Will simply drifted into his head.

It had been a strange week for all of us here, Simon realising Carli was an opportunistic user, with little regard for his feelings towards her, or his cock. Lucy, for whatever reason, decided she wanted to keep fancying him and they ended up reconciling rather unromantically on the beach, to which Jay referred to as 'gayer than Neil's dad fucking 'Paedo' Kennedy.' Speaking of Jay, he finally realised that his lies meant nothing if he couldn't back them up and, more importantly, that he really liked Jane, despite her size and the teasing he had received from a few anonymous arseholes, culminating in him revealing in uncompromising detail how Jane had given him a blowjob in the boat toilets. Lisa managed to get Neil away from the sagging breasts and dried up vaginas of older women and towards her own assets, the two of them dry-humping until Neil chafed his boner on his jeans. As for me, I believe I had finally got on to a winner, Alison, literally the fittest girl I had ever met was going out with me. ME. I thought I was dreaming but all the sorrowful drinking and painful hangovers, punches and vomiting I endured were finally paying off. I was going to lose my virginity tonight. Or at least I hoped I would.

The same downtrodden hotel awaited the eight of them, their expressions turning from cheer to jeer in the blink of an eye. Simon stopped to find their key for the room, pulling out a rusted chunk of metal whilst the others walked through the double doors and into the reception.

"Bollocks..." he cursed to himself.

Lucy gave his shoulder a firm grip, "Something the matter?" she mused.

"It's just, well, I have the key and that's good, but what Euros I did have left are truly fucked."

"A bit of sea water won't matter Simon."

"They notes are torn, absolutely soaked and shredded. I only had about thirty, but I still need it."

Lucy looked into his eyes, "I'm sure Jay won't mind, and I have some for us too."

Now gel-less, the floppy haired Simon felt a twinge of guilt, "I can't do that. I want to pay for your drinks. As for Jay, it doesn't feel right spending his dead granddad's money."

"Ask your parents then, I'm sure they'll understand."

"Yeah, I bet they'd love that, the pair of old twats. 'Ooh Simon needs some money because he's not responsible'," he mocked, heightening his tone of voice, "Arseholes."

Lucy was surprised at his hostility and responded by silently dragging him into the hotel.

"Neil, you're gonna have to kip with the gay lords tonight," Jay ordered his taller friend.

"What, why?" Neil replied, with a questionable yet still vacant expression.

"Because I, Mr Ladykiller, am gonna shag Jane."

"Really? That's bang out of order Jay, you know what we agreed...First to put the hat on the door!"

With that sentence uttered, the pair aggressively rushed to the main room, pushing past an amused Will and Alison only to see their two girlfriends open the front door, having finished their trip to the vending machine. Jay halted in his tracks as Neil remained oblivious, grabbing the headgear and slipping it on to the door handle.

"What's going on?" Jane asked, smiling at the seeming excitement happening around her.

"Nothin' love. Was just showing Neil a thing or two," Jay lied.

"What you on about?" Neil interrupted, "I beat you fair and square. I get the bedroom tonight." An awkward grin appeared on Jay's round face, before the two pair's headed on to the balcony.

Will drank heartily from the water bottle, small trails of liquid pouring down the sides of his mouth.

"You thirsty or something?" Alison joked.

The dark haired teenager realised what he was doing, "I get dehydrated if I don't drink properly for, oh, say, eighteen hours."

"How much alcohol did you consume William?"

"More than I should have. Other than the Jägerbombs and vodbulls, the closest I came to drinking water was a second hand bottle of orange Bacardi Breezer." Alison laughed at his befuddlement, her split with Nikos felt belittling the previous day but finally giving in to Will's weird ways felt cleansing, as if she had truly bettered herself. Her bitterness had not completely died however.

"Your twatish nature really is overpowered by your humour, isn't it?"

Will glanced at the floor briefly before letting out a prolonged, "Yes."

They both grinned before sharing a kiss.

Once Simon had finished spiking up the last of his individual hair strands, we hit the town like men, not boys, men. The girls' met us in Marco's, a few scattered groups sat in the booths, contemplating a slow death whilst we all landed on the dance floor, shots in our hands and opposite sexes tongues in our mouths. I still couldn't dance for shit, but at least Alison liked it.

Jay walked up to the bar and waved the bartender down, "One...two fish bowls please," he said correcting himself, simpering as Jane joined him.

"Wow, didn't expect that you would actually buy me one," she said, bemused.

"Eh? Don't know what you're on about. They're both for me," he replied.

She punched him in the arm and grabbed a straw.

"Neil..." Lisa slowly started, "You're not gonna get off with some old bird are you?"


"It's just that...I don't just want to be an object."

"Yeah, I know."

Lisa beamed at the lanky lad and hugged him tightly, his vacant expression and sudden need to kiss her switched on like a light. Will stared over at his dimwitted, but caring friend from the bar before turning to Alison as she got four sambuca shots in.

"I don't know if I should..." Will queasily muttered.

"C'mon big man," the blonde pursued, "You have me here, at a bar, about to get absolutely trollied and you're going to back out?"

Will looked over the top of his glasses and grabbed the shot, Alison passed Simon and Lucy the two spare drinks. They raised their shots high, counted down from three and began chugging them down, one after the other.

The rest of the night was spent in Marco's, alcohol flowing in plentiful quantities. It's safe to say we all got hammered quickly and heavily. Kisses were shared, vomit was spewed and inappropriate groping led the way. Neil fingered Lisa in the toilets as a drunken Simon tried not to get too excited in the stall as Lucy felt his bulge through his jeans. His confession, not mine. Jay and Jane lay in the one of the booths nearly fast asleep as the staff cleared up around them. It was only three in the morning and the music was still loud on the strip outside, people that came into 'our' bar usually had a drink, declared it was shit and left, but we knew better. Another week of nights like these were what we dreamed of at our boring sixth form with its boring girls. Chloe was but a myth to Jay. Charlotte was at away uni, fucking five guys a week to my utter lack of interest. Carli had left this morning and Simon had realised that he didn't need her as he had someone, who wasn't a bitch, that liked him. Oh yes, and Neil had also forgotten all about his girlfriend, Nicole, from back home.

Will and Alison had left the others in Marco's and they sneaked off down to the beach, pieces of clothing coming off as they trod on the sand. Alison flopped down in her underwear and lay her back to the cool grain beneath her, playfully pulling at Will's boxer shorts.

"Gerrum off!" she exclaimed to an embarrassed but intoxicated Will.

"No...not here...the-the hotel..."

She kissed him and pulled him down with her. One hand held on to the back of his head, the other was partially covered in sand, his own two hands attempting to unclasp her bra. They were close to the calm waves, their toes sometimes feeling the chilly water tickle them as the breeze rustled their hair out of place. Despite how drunk he was, he enjoyed it as if he was sober and despite how drunk she was, it felt perfect. As he finally managed to take her bra off, his right hand immediately grabbed for her left breast, Will thinking how perky they were as she reached into his boxers to get what she was after before. After a few minutes passed, his phone rang once to his ignorance, then twice, then again. Frustrated, Will picked up his trousers and rummaged for his mobile.

Call: Simon

Answering it, he harshly shouted down the receiver, "What? What is it Simon?"


"Simon? Si, mate, are you there?"

"Hmm...?" Came the reply, "Oh hi Will. You okay?"

"Yes. I'm fine," he assured sternly, "Why did you ring?"

"W-wanted to know where you got to m-mate."

"Fine. We're coming back." Will hung up and rushed to a topless Alison, "We have to go back."

"What...? Why?"

"Because my friend is an idiot."

After a quick change back into their clothes, Will and Alison found Simon outside Marco's, talking to the bouncers outside and they didn't look impressed.

"I'm tell – hic – ling you guys," each word became elongated, "I will have sex toniiiiight."

One of the towering men glanced over at a staring Will and aggressively shouted to him, "Is this yours?" whilst Simon was held by the collar of his baby blue v-neck.

"Yes. Come along Simon, let's go home," the bespectacled young man directed aloofly.

"B-but Lucy..." Simon began.

"She's just sent me a jumbled text, she's back at your hotel with the other four," Alison interjected.

"Great, they left without him for me to pick up the pieces. Brilliant."

With Simon in tow, Alison and myself had been promptly brought back to near sobriety. My spiky haired 'mate' had stopped me getting sex off the fittest girl ever, who, let's not forget, is actually willing to sleep with me out of genuine desire and not for a bet. The bright lights of the strip only made me more angry when not putting me into a seizure and the trip back to our shitty hotel and our shitty beds, on the shitty fucking floor only worsened the night, not to mention the fact my cock had gone as limp as it had ever been. Tomorrow better produce something more noteworthy.

A.N. Hello there! Not that much Inbetweeners stuff is there? This idea of writing about the rest of their trip came to me after seeing the film, but I never got around to actually typing it until now. Thanks to those few hardcore fans that read this, I'm always grateful! Cheers.