Author's Note: Hello Homestuck fandom! This is my first attempt at a Homestuck fanfiction and I hope that it isn't too terrible. I did this fic for SANTABOUND on tumblr, so this is dedicated to some tumblr user who remains anonymous to me at this time. They requested something with Sollux, Eridan, Karkat, and badass!Feferi. I wasn't sure what to do and humanstuck Soleri happened! So to that poor tumblr user who I was assigned to, I'm sorry. I hope you like it though, but if you do not enjoy humanstuck or Soleri, please let me know and maybe I can do something else. This will be four chapters, varying drastically in length because, what is consistency?
Disclaimer: I am not Andrew Hussie.
"Some Cupid kills with arrows, some with traps." -William Shakespeare, Much Ado About Nothing, 3.1
= Be Feferi
Feferi couldn't take this much longer. She really couldn't. Sherlock Holmes was one of her all-time favorite movies, and she could barely enjoy it because of the two living breathing vessels of hormones crowding her on either side.
The boys – as she was hesitant to even call them that anymore – were both sitting far too close, their arms pressed against hers, making her uncomfortable. Not that Feferi usually minded, she did love cuddling and was known to do so with both of the present offenders, but under current circumstances she wasn't feeling as friendly.
On her immediate right wearing a scowl, and overly large glasses, and weighing in at roughly 170 was her oldest friend in the world, Eridan Ampora. She knew he loved this movie too; they had gone to see it together in the theater when it had first come out and he hadn't shut up for about a week, though he would never let her forget that he read the books before all this hype started.
To her left wearing red and blue tinted glasses and weighing in at something-ridiculously-unhealthy was Sollux Captor, her newest best friend. Feferi was fairly certain that this was his type of movie as well, though she doubted he had spent more than five minutes watching the screen. She couldn't see his eyes behind the tint of his glasses, but she had a pretty good idea that they weren't on the screen, but on the boy to her right. His lip was pulled up slightly in a permanent sneer.
It should have been a great night, hanging out with her two favorite people in the world and watching one of her favorite movies. If only the two of them would stop exchanging death glares over her head. The air in the room could be cut with a knife, though God only knew what kind of testosterone chaos that would unleash.
When the movie had begun they had both just been lightly touching her, a different hand stroking both of hers, and it hadn't been so bad. As the night had gone on though, they had both begun pressing closer and closer to her, their eyes meeting fleetingly over her head as they exchanged glares and sneers. At first it only made her feel a bit bitter, as if it were an insult to her short height that they could so easily look over her. Slowly her annoyance began to turn to something more awkward, as the boys on either side began to press into her, soon forgetting her entirely, as if she were nothing more than an obstacle separating them.
Separating them from doing what, she wasn't sure. Whatever it was, she didn't believe it would be safe for work.
So she sat between them, Eridan's shoulder pushing her roughly into the couch while Sollux's bony elbow dug into her hip. Her hands were in her lap, still nursing her wrist from when Eridan had grasped it so hard she had feared the bones might break.
After what seemed like an eternity, but was in reality only the most awkward two hours of her life, the credits began to roll. She let out a breath that was altogether too loud to have been considered subtle.
"Well, it's getting late, I think I am going to bed," she lied as soon as she could turn the volume down, violins almost drowning out her words.
Eridan shifted, pulling slightly away from her. "It's nine o'clock Fef," he smiled, his face relaxing for the first time since he had arrived.
"Yeah, Feferi, trying to get rid of u'th?" Sollux sounded lighthearted, but Feferi's face was locked on Eridan's as she watched his scowl return, blue eyes snapping to Sollux's face with a newly sparked fire.
"Or just one a' us," Eridan ground out, not even addressing Feferi at this point.
Feferi swore she could feel herself turning invisible again.
"I was thinking the th'ame thing…"
"Alright!" She pulled herself out from between them, only slightly weary of the repercussions of allowing them together without a barrier. Indeed as she whipped around to face them –catching them both with her never ending auburn hair – she saw them jerking themselves away from one another with a look of shock, having misjudged how heavily they had been leaning on their divider and had fallen forward with its removal. "That is enough!" She snapped, pulling both of their shocked faces to her once more.
"What are you talkin' about Fef?" Eridan quirked an eyebrow over his glasses, a look of hurt quickly taking over his sharp features. Neither his accent nor his perfected puppy-dogs eyes would save him tonight though.
"You two. I can't take it anymore." Feferi flailed her arms about, resisting the urge to just burry her fingers in her hair and pull until something gave. "The fighting, the snide comments, the glares, it's like you two fall into your own world when you're within eyeshot of each other! I swear to God, I think both of you forgot that I was even here…and that we were watching a movie! What the HELL is going on? Yes, we get it, you don't like each other; can we move on, please?" She was gesturing wildly, her hair and arms everywhere as she ranted. "It's like…you two are obsessed with each other."
Both boys' heads were hung and shoulders slumped as she scolded them. Sollux was tapping his fingers nervously on his knee and Eridan was worrying the bottom of his shirt with his thumb. Both of their pale faces were flushed red and lips pouting slightly. There was a mumbled and very much subdued apology from each and Feferi felt her anger melt away into something darker and yet less harsh.
She signed wearily, turning back to the still rolling credits and knelt down to pop out the DVD, just for something to do. Their apologies meant nothing really. In her heart she knew they meant it, to her at least. Neither one of them wanted to upset her, or had even meant to, but really there was only so much she could take. In a few moments they would be right back to fighting again, her and her feelings completely disregarded as they tore into each other.
"Why," she sighed, with her back still to them "can't you two just get along?" She popped the DVD back into its case.
As she expected there was nothing but silence behind her. Another sigh and she stood. "Look, I really do want to go to bed, so…" She couldn't meet their eyes, though they weren't trying to meet hers either. Both boys stood, grabbing their coats without so much as a comment to the others attire.
'Nith purple, trying to thignal a plane?'
'I like the patches on yours; very 'I live in the ghetto' chic.'
'Th'on of a bitch.'
She walked them both the ten feet to the door to her apartment and, spurned by guilt, she gave them each a kiss on the cheek before guiding them out and closing the door behind her.
She dug the heels of her palms into her eyes as she slumped against the door.
"Look what you did."
"What I did?"
Feferi groaned in frustration as she heard the argument start up immediately as the door closed.
Storming away from the door and the offending assholes outside, she made her way to her computer, suddenly lonely in the gloom of her apartment. She glanced at Aradia's closed door. If only her roommate wasn't away for the week on an archeology dig, then she would at least have someone to tell her she was justified in her accusations.
It couldn't be normal, the way those two behaved. Sure, she didn't like people, but good Lord it was like they were obsessed with hating each other. If she didn't know better-
carcinoGeneticist [CG] began trolling cuttlefishCuller [CC] at 9:15
CG: DID THE FUCKTARDS LEAVE YET?
Feferi couldn't help but smile. Despite all his flaws, Karkat was possibly the best listener of all of her friends.
CC: Yea)( t)(ey just left.
CG: WHAT DID THEY FUCKING DO THIS TIME?
CC: W)(at makes you t)(ink t)(ey did something?
CG: YOU'RE KIND OF EASY TO READ, EVEN THROUGH TEXT. NO LECTURE FOR CALLING THEM FUCKTARDS, AND THE LACK OF RETARDED FISH PUNS GAVE IT AWAY.
CC: Sorry, I can try to scallop some up for you.
CG: …THAT WAS A FUCKING HORRIBLE, EVEN BY YOUR USUAL STANDARDS.
CC: I know 38(
CG: WHAT HAPPENED?
CC: Siiiiiiiiiiigh. T)(ey won't stop fucking fig)(ting!
CG: REALLY? I HAD NO FUCKING IDEA, THANKS FOR FILLING ME IN.
CC: 38/ T)(-ER–E IS NO N–E–ED FOR TH–E ADDITUD–E!
CG: GODDAMN COULD YOU TYPE MORE OBNOXIOUSLY? SERIOUSLY. LIKE, THAT IS ALMOST READABLE. ONLY TOOK ME FIVE MINUTES TO DECODE THAT SHIT. YOU NEED TO STEP IT UP A NOTCH. WOULDN'T WANT TO TYPE IN NORMAL ENGLISH, GOD FUCKING FORBID.
CG: FUCKING SHIT I'M SORRY ALRIGHT, NOW WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED?
CC: I told you! T)(ey won't stop fighting! It's like t)(ey go into t)(eir own world or something. T)(ey see eac)( ot)(er and then- BOOM. No more reality. Just t)(e two of t)(em glaring at each ot)(er.
CG: GOD I KNOW WHAT YOU MEAN. IT'S LIKE THE START TO A SHITTY ASS GAY PORN WHENEVER THEY ARE TOGETHER. I FEEL LIKE I NEED A SHOWER AND TO GO TO CHURCH OR SOMETHING AFTER I'VE BEEN IN THE SAME ROOM WITH THEM.
CC: 38O W)(AT?
CG: DON'T TELL ME YOU HAVEN'T FUCKING SEEN IT. YOU JUST TOLD ME YOU DID.
CC: Well, yea)(, but t)(at's not quite t)(e way I would describe it…
CG: WHAT THE FUCK FEFERI, HOW NAÏVE CAN YOU BE? THAT'S NOT NORMAL HATE GOING ON, IT'S SOMETHING ELSE. I HATE FUCKING VRISKA, AND I DON'T TALK ABOUT HER ALL DAY AND NIGHT AND DISAPEAR INTO FUCKING GAYTARD WORLD WITH HER. AND BELIEVE ME, SOLLUX DOES TALK ABOUT ERIDAN ALL THE DAMN TIME. FUCKING ERIDAN THIS AND ERIDAN THAT AND 'I HATE HIM SO MUCH AND HE'S SO STUPID AND I WANT HIM TO FUCK ME INTO THE MATTRESS.'
CG: HE MAY NOT HAVE SAID THE LAST PART, BUT IT WAS INBEWTEEN THE LINES. COME ON, YOU HAVE TO HAVE NOTICED IT. THE TWO DUMBEST FUCKASSES FOR FRIENDS THAT WE HAVE ARE IN LOVE. OR WANT TO FUCK THE SHIT OUT OF EACH OTHER REALLY. FUCKING MAGICAL FAIRY TALES AND SHIT ABOUT TO HAPPEN HERE. OR NOT REALLY, BECAUSE THEY ARE BOTH GOING TO JUST GLARE REATRDEDLY AT EACH OTHER UNTIL THEY LITERALLY SUFFOCATE SOME POOR BYSTANDARD, PROBABLY ONE OF US, WITH THEIR SEXUAL TENSION.
Feferi paused for a moment, reading back over Karkat's screaming text. Instantly she was cross checking it with her memories of the failed night. It had seemed like Sollux and Eridan hadn't been able to take their eyes off of each other, and as she continued to emphasize, they had completely forgotten that she wasn't there, lost in each other.
She could have smacked herself for being so dumb.
They wanted each other, even if they didn't realize it, they did, and badly.
CC: O)( MY GOD! )(OW COULD I )(AV-E B–E–EN SO STUPID?
CG: IT'S A FUCKING MYSTERY.
CC: GOD I SP–END –EV–ERY FUCKING DAY WIT)( T)(-EM AND I N–EV–ER SAW IT! AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!
CG: WELCOME TO MY NIGHTMARE.
CG: SO WHAT?
CC: So w)(at are we going to do about it of course!
CG: WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?
CC: 38O We can't just let it go on like t)(is!
CG: I THINK WE CAN. IF THEY WANT TO BE SHITSTAIN MORONS THAT IS THEIR BUSINESS.
CC: I can't live like t)(is Karkat. You can't tell me that you are OK with t)(is. You )(ave to LIV–E wit)( Sollux. It )(as to be driving you even more insane t)(an it is me!
CG: YOU'VE GOT ME THERE. HE WON'T SHUT THE FUCK UP ABOUT MISTER HIPSTER DOUCHE BAG.
CC: W)(ale, water we going to do about it?
CG: GLAD YO SEE YOU'RE IN A GOOD ENOUGH MOOD TO DO THE SHITTY FUSH PUNS AGAIN, BUT WHY ARE YOU ASKING ME?
CC: You are the king of romantic comedies Karkat, if anyone would know w)(at to do, it's you.
CG: ALRIGHT YOU HAVE ME THERE.
CC: Soooooo? W)(at's the plan Mister Vantas?
CG: OK I HAVE AN IDEA. DAMN YOU ARE LUCKY YOU HAVE ME AS A FRIEND. WHAT THE FUCK WOULD YOU ACTUALLY DO WITHOUT ME? BE COMPLETELY FUCKED IS WHAT YOU WOULD DO.
CC: STOP B-EING SO FLOUND-ERING ANNOYING AND JUST T-ELL M-E T)(-E PLAN.
CG: ARE YOU FUCKING SERIOUS?
CC: S)(UT UP, I'M –EXCIT-ED!
CG: I'LL LET IT SLIDE FOR NOW.
CC: PLAN! 38O
CG: JESUS WOMAN CALM DOWN. HAVE YOU EVER READ MUCH ADO ABOUT NOTHING?
CC: No! W)(at is it?
CG: OF COURSE YOU HAVEN'T. BECAUSE I'M THE ONLY ONE IN OUR ENTIER GROUP OF FRIENDS WHO ISN'T ILLITERATE.
CG: IT'S SHAKESPEARE DUMBASS.
CC: You read S)(akespeare?
CG: SOME OF US LIKE TO READ QUALITY LITERATURE FEFERI, AND NOT SHIT ABOUT VAMPIRES FUCKING THE SHIT OUT OF TEENAGE GIRLS THAT REMIND THE READER OF HERSELF.
CC: I don't read s)(itty vampire novels!
CG: OF COURSE NOT.
CC: We are getting off topic. W)(at does this )(ave to do with Sollux and Eridan?
CG: IF YOU READ THE FUCKING PLAY YOU WOULD KNOW. BUT BASICALLY WHAT I AM GETTING AT HERE IS THEY BOTH WANT EACH OTHER RIGHT? AND THEY BOTH WANT TO RIP EACH OTHRS THROATS OUT AT THE SAME TIME. WHICH IS PRETTY MUCH THE ENTIRE POINT OF THE PLAY. ALL YOU HAVE TO DO IS CONVINCE THEM THAT THE OTHER ONE LIKES THEM, AND THEN GO FROM THERE.
CC: W)(at do you mean me? You won't )(elp?
CG: I JUST FUCKING DID. I'M THE MASTERMIND HERE. YOU'RE THE PERSON WHO MAKES SURE MY PLANS HAPPEN. JUST TALK TO BOTH OF THEM AND LET IT SLIP THAT THE OTHER ONE LIKES THEM. IT'S NOT FUCKING HARD.
CC: I don't know if t)(at will work t)(ough. It sounds kind of…risky.
CG: IF IT'S GOOD ENOUGH FOR SHAKESPEARE, IT'S GOOD ENOUGH FOR THE BEE DICK AND FISH DOUCHE.
CG: SHUT UP
CG: SPEAK OF THE FUCKER HE JUST WALKED THROUGH THE DOOR.
CG: GODDAMN AND HE'S ALREADY BITCHING ABOUT ERIDAN. FUCK DAMN IT WHY ARE THESE MY FRIENDS? WHY IS THIS MY LIFE? WHAT THE FUCK DID I DO IN A PAST LIFE TO DESERVE THIS? IT MUST HAVE BEEN PRETTY FUCKING HORRIBLE.
CG: I THINK I MAY HAVE BEEN JUDAS.
CC: I doubt t)(at Karkat.
CG: WHATEVER. I HAVE TO GO. HE WON'T SHUT UP AND I NEED TO PRETEND TO BE ASLEEP.
CG: GOODLUCK. I BELIEVE IN YOU OR WHATEVER. YOU CAN DO IT. FOR THE LOVE OF GOD PLEASE SAVE US ALL.
carcinoGeneticist [CG] ceased trolling cuttlefishCuller [CC] at 9:55
Feferi stared at her screen for a moment longer, brow furrowed with deep thought. She turned in her chair, looking out into her silent apartment as if it held the answers. In the corner of her eye she saw a small flash, her phone lighting up on the counter.
Two new text messages.
From Eridan: im sorry fef please dont be mad at me. ill do wwhatevver you wwant to make it up to you.
From Sollux: hey ff iim really sorry about ruiiniing your niight and just generally being 2uch an a22hole. can you forgiive me?
She couldn't help the involuntary eye roll at how pathetic her two boys were.
Karkat's insinuation flashed through her mind unwarranted as she stared at their groveling texts. She wanted to ask herself if he was right, but there was no need to question. There wasn't a doubt in her mind that he was right, and she was still embarrassed that she hadn't noticed it sooner.
Then there was Karkat's plan, or rather, Shakespeare's. She worried her lip between her teeth, deliberating. Shakespeare was the bard of love after all, if anyone knew how to get two stubborn assholes together, it would be the great man himself.
To Eridan: Come on Sollux, you need to let t)(is go. I know it )(urts, but )(e )(AT-ES you, and you make it seem like you )(ate )(im too. I know you don't want to, but maybe you s)(ouldn't be around )(im anymore and s)(ould just try to pus)( away your feelings. You'll find someone else, I know you will. 38)
She typed out the same messaged to Sollux, only replacing his name for Eridan's. Her finger hesitated over the send button. This was a stupid plan. That was obviously fake; a twelve year old could have written a more convincing text. There was no way either of them were dumb enough to believe that.
Feferi hit send before she could stop herself.
For a tense minute there was no response and after losing a staring contest with her cell phone, she busied herself with finding something to eat her stress away. She really didn't give a damn at the moment whether that was healthy or not because this was one hell of a night and –
The phone lit up.
She dove for the phone with far more dramatics than were all together necessary.
From Eridan: wwhat feelins?
Feferi rapped her fingers against the counter top, mind scrambling for a proper response.
To Eridan: W)(at?
The response was almost instant.
From Eridan: in that text. that wwas meant for sol right? an you wwere talkin about me right?
Oh god Eridan was a bigger idiot than she had thought.
To Eridan: W)(AT? No! Of course not. It was about someone else.
From Eridan: wwho?
To Eridan: It's none of your business nosy!
From Eridan: stop fuckin around fef. i know you wwere talkn about me. wwhat feelins?
To Eridan: Look, I've said too muc)( already. T)(at text was an accident. Can we just pretend it didn't )(appen?
From Eridan: no wwe cant fuckin forget that it happened. if someones sayin somethin about me i havve a right to knoww wwhat it is.
To Eridan: No one is saying anyt)(ing about you!
From Eridan: obvviously someone is. an by someone i mean sol.
To Eridan: W)(at does it matter anyway? You can't stand )(im.
Eridan took a while to respond to that one.
From Eridan: i don't hate him. hes just a pain sometimes.
Feferi couldn't help the laugh that escaped her throat. She was slumped over the counter top, her quest for comfort food forgotten. This was hilarious and adorable at the same time, and she feared for a moment that perhaps Karkat was rubbing off on her. The dumbest plan in the history of shitty romcom plans was working.
To Eridan: W)(AT?
From Eridan: nothin, hes just annoyin is all.
To Eridan: O)(. Well then.
From Eridan: yeah.
From Sollux: what the fuck ff?
Feferi glanced around the empty apartment. She knew she looked like an idiot, cracking up by herself, how could Aradia be missing this? Damn her and her dig in Jamaica. This was one hundred times more entertaining than the ruins of Caribbean slave quarters.
To Sollux: W)(at?
From Sollux: that text. hiip2ter douche want2 my diick?
To Sollux: W)(AT? I never said t)(at.
From Sollux: you 2ent me a text meant for hiim.
To Sollux: O)(. T)(at wasn't about you. Conceited.
From Sollux: cut the 2hiit ff. who el2e could you have been talkiing about?
To Sollux: It's none of your fucking BUSIN-ESS. 38O
From Sollux: iif fiish face iis talkiing about me ii de2evre to know.
Not only were they both morons, but they were apparently the same moron. But, Feferi had to concede, it was kind of cute.
To Sollux: W)(y? You always talk about )(im be)(ind )(is back.
From Sollux: thii2 ii2 diiferent.
To Sollux: )(ow?
From Sollux: becau2e a2 my be2t friiend iif you fiind out that 2omeone liike2 me you have to tell me.
To Sollux: No one said )(e liked you!
From Sollux: you ju2t diid!
To Sollux: Look, w)(atever )(e or I said doesn't matter. You can't stand )(im, end of discussion.
Just like Eridan, it took Sollux a minute more to answer.
From Sollux: 2o?
To Sollux: W)(at?
From Sollux: I 2aiid 2o? iit doe2nt' matter what ii feel for hiim you 2tiil have to tell me what he 2ay2.
To Sollux: W)(at you feel? 38O
From Sollux: that2 not what ii meant and you know iit.
To Sollux: Well, w)(at did you mean?
From Sollux: nothiing quiit tryiing to turn thii2 around.
To Sollux: Alright, let's just drop t)(e w)(ole t)(ing.
From Sollux: Fine.
Feferi felt more accomplished than she really should have, she knew. But it was so hard not to feel a little satisfied at making them both squirm, partially because her romantic heart was doing a little dance at how cute this all was, but also because she felt she deserved a little revenge for how uncomfortable the two of them had been making her feel.
It was over though; she had brought an end to the discussion with both of them. With the finality of both texts, she felt her mood failing her. Was that that then? Quite the letdown really. She drummed her nails against the counter top, her chin resting in her other palm. The fun wasn't entirely over though she supposed, the idea was in both their heads now, but what did she do from there? There really was nothing to do but-
And then it hit her.
Before she lost her nerve she snatched up her phone again and wrote out a text as quickly as she could and hit send.
With just as much swiftness she slammed the phone back down, returning herself to her former position as if pretending it had never happened. Her phone lit up twice almost immediately, and she felt her heart pounding with each text.
She had either just set up her friends, or set WWIII in motion.