A/N: Well, here is chapter three ^-^ It was nice to write at last in Yokozawa's PoV, I have just created Yuu's character so far. So there is some Yuu in the beginning, and Yokozawa at the end. Somehow I've written about Yuu and Chiaki a lot, despite that I don't like them together o_o But that will change soon ^-^ *relieved* I have introduced Yuu and Yokozawa's characters and the situation where they are, because I didn't want to just write about them together but show also their past feelings. But in the next chap there will be the meeting 8)))) Wah ! The (kinda) first meeting, I feel some pressure ...
And there are some bad news, my beta retired, in other words, she doesn't beta fics anymore 8( Now I'll need to find someone else to beta this G_G
I hope you'll enjoy and a review would make me really happy ! Any readers ? Ah and ! XD I'm sorry that I update so rarely 8(
The sun was shining brightly in the park. You could hear rustling when the wind blew through the leaves of the trees and that brought a fresh scent to the nose. Yuu lay on his stomach on the ground and felt the grass tickling his elbows. He had taken his socks off and wiggled his feet which were raised up to the clouds. And the best part of the thing was that Yuu saw Chiaki sitting on the grass in front of him and his warm smile made him feel like he was in a good mood.
Chiaki must have been feeling too hot, or maybe he just wanted to enjoy the sun's light touching on his skin, because he took his shirt off and tossed it next to him. Yuu felt his jaw drop and he noticed he was drooling. He closed his mouth and licked away the saliva from his lips. There was a predatory gaze in his eyes as he made his way to his prey, eyes locked on the innocent man's milk white back.
"Chiaki..." Yuu whispered in his ear and nuzzled him gently. He set his jaw on Chiaki's shoulder.
"Mmh," Chiaki mumbled. He had closed his blue eyes and there was no doubt that he was delighted to be there.
Yuu hesitated for a minute, but couldn't restrain himself from touching the dark brown-haired man in front of him. He wrapped his hands cautiously around Chiaki and let his hands wander on the other's chest. Chiaki was warm. And a surprise was that Chiaki didn't shove him away but leaned backwards so that his back was pressed against Yuu's chest. Yuu breathed sharply and let his hands run bolder and bolder along the pale skin; stomach, sides, neck. Perhaps Chiaki was dunce, as always, and thought this was some kind of friendly endearment. This theory worked so far when Chiaki moaned his name.
"Ahnn… Yuu, that feels so good…" the man inhaled deeply and whimpered.
The other man's eyes went wide. Yuu? Yuu? Did Chiaki say Yuu? He pulled Chiaki closer and squeezed tightly. His lips left a trail of butterfly kisses on Chiaki's neck.
Would he dare touch more?
Soon Yuu would kiss him on his tasty lips, and Chiaki would answer back. Hatori, where was that guy? Maybe Chiaki had finally dumped the man, that was the change Yuu had been waiting for, for ages. Soon he they would be dating and Yuu would take care of him, and do that damn better than Hatori had. His dream was coming true.
He lowered his hands and was planning to slide them along his sweet Chiaki's thighs which were hidden under the jeans, but he didn't get that far, because he was roughly torn off him. A confused expression made its way to Yuu's face. Suddenly Hatori was there and ruffling Chiaki's hair. He didn't pay any attention to Yuu. Yuu, who now sat on the ground, began to feel irritated. Didn't he at least deserve to be punched?
"Hatori, I'm a bit hungry," Chiaki stated. Hatori kissed the top of Chiaki's head and Yuu's heart was ripped to pieces.
The warmth faded and the world turned on its head. In the blink of an eye they were in a dark room which Yuu noticed was a living room in a certain mangaka's apartment. Realization shot Yuu and he figured out that he was dreaming.
Chiaki lay down on the couch and pulled Hatori, who was above him, closer, so that he could place a kiss on his lips. His eyes twinkled when their eyes met. There was no doubt that Chiaki loved Hatori deeply. Yuu didn't want to look, but his eyes were glued to those two, and he couldn't move his eyes from the sight. The man, who Yuu hated, set his hand on Chiaki's cheek and kissed him lightly. He nuzzled his nose against Chiaki's and that was actually even worse to watch than if they would have gone further. Though, Yuu would be seeing that looked so good while he lay there breathing rapidly, but seeing Hatori with him ruined the sight.
Yuu wished that he could be the one who touched Chiaki tenderly. Why, why did he look so happy? Because this was a nightmare. Hatori started to slide his hand until it reached Chiaki's thigh, which Yuu was supposed to do. There was a visible blush on Chiaki's cheeks and he spread his legs.
All of it seemed so natural. Chiaki's fingers ran through Hatori's brown strands and stroked them gently.
"Yoshino, I love you," Hatori mumbled coarsely against Chiaki's stomach.
"I love you too." The end of the tinier man's sentence broke down into a high whimper when Hatori had set his hand under the waistline.
Yuu clenched his fists and stuck his nails in his palms, hoping the pain of that would get him to move.
He scrambled his way to where he guessed the door was. Warm tears kept dropping on his hands and he half-blinded by that when he bumped into a wall. He didn't look back, but heard the voices which came from the other side of the room. Yuu didn't want to know. He stumbled along the wall hoping that he would find the door soon.
The door stubbornly stayed shut and Yuu tugged at it with all the strength he had. He was scared that the doorknob would break and he would never get out. However, it gave in, and Yuu rushed out of the apartment. The door slammed shut behind him and Yuu fell down to his knees, panting. He leaned towards the door and set his back against it. When his breathing became steadier, it had gotten surprisingly quiet around him. The brooding silence wasn't better than Chiaki and Hatori's voices.
He was suffocating in the silence.
Teardrops flowed from his eyes and Yuu wiped his nose against his sleeve, because there apparently weren't served any tissues in the dream. Yuu lifted his hands to his chest and pressed them tightly against his heart, which felt like it was crawling out of his chest. An endlessly cold stream spilled inside of him and the earlier events flashed in front of his eyes. Yuu collapsed into a shaking lump on the floor and remained there, trembling. The breaths came out rasping, he couldn't breathe. He squeezed his eyes shut and tried to whisper calming words to himself so that he wouldn't choke.
"We are meeting again."
Yuu opened his eyes and wiped them and his nose, again against his sleeve.
He raised his head to look at who saw him in this pitiful state. That looked a lot like Yokozawa. The figure was leaning against the white wall, actually there was that white everywhere that it hurt his eyes- and the man was smoking.
Neither said anything after that. Yuu had stopped crying and lay on the cold floor feeling empty and Yokozawa casually blew smoke from between his lips. The tobacco's smoke was hovering higher and higher in the air.
At some point Yuu's eyes opened. His eyes were achy from crying and that wasn't the only place which was aching. He felt so lonely he could die. He hid his head under the pillow and stared blankly into the darkness.
Why am I breathing?
If only I could just stop breathing painlessly
Someone please help me
my heart yells out in loneliness
Even if I pretend to be tough
I want someone to find me soon
Yokozawa couldn't sleep. He was seeking the dream's darkness when he lay there with the blanket over his ears and head under his pillow. If he lay long enough under the blanket pretending that he was sleeping, maybe he would get some sleep. His attempt didn't work - being flattened against the bed ensured that he couldn't breathe properly. Yokozawa slowly pulled the pillow from the back of his head and let it slip to the floor next to the bed. The blanket had already been kicked down to his ankles. There was a clock on the nightstand and it was ticking steadily, and steadily it came closer to the morning, which meant that soon it would be time to get up. Yokozawa lay sprawled out on the bed, cheeks pressed against the mattress, and he sighed in frustration. His irritation woke him up, so Yokozawa decided that it was useless to try to sleep anymore.
Sorata was sleeping on the couch, looking comfortable, which made him sigh again. If only he was a cat who got free food, petting – and lots of sleep. Yokozawa looked at his cat and wondered what kind of complicated emotions cats kept inside.
Over the time he had been living with Sorata over ten years, he had decided that pretty complicated. Sorata was his best friend nowadays, since his relationship with Masamune had... cooled down after their little chat.
Yokozawa felt ashamed of his confession, but more than that it hurt to be rejected.
How many days had it been since Masamune had turned him down?
It felt like a lifetime.
During those five days Yokozawa's daily rhythm has been stable; go to work, stay at work, go home. He had been trying to avoid Takano, which he had succeeded in doing, probably because they worked on different floors in Marukawa. The lift was dangerous, and every time he went there, and when he was there, his shoulders would stiffen, his hands would clench into the fists, and sweat would run along his back. Yokozawa didn't want to see Takano, but at the same time there was a burning sensation inside him - he wanted to see the other, hug him, and make sure he was alright. And everything would be like before.
During those five days Yokozawa had been regretting his confession. Had it been that necessary, if he had waited a little more, if he had started by throwing some hints, if he had kicked Onodera out of Marukawa, if his confession had been more romantic, if he had never said anything. Maybe his feelings would have begun to disappear. Little by little. Yokozawa felt that any other situation would have been better than this.
He was feeling so terribly bad. Yokozawa wanted to pick up the phone and press Takano's cell phone number all the time. Would he apologize? It required a lot of self-discipline to not call. At times, Yokozawa hated Takano and then he felt he was an awful person when thinking like that, but the flame of fury was still enraging. He felt so terribly bitter, because even though he had done his everything for Takano, and Onodera had done nothing, still Takano chose him. Sometimes Yokozawa was frightened of feelings like an urge to rip Takano's heart out of his chest, so that it would be his only, or that he wanted to slam Onodera against wall and punch hard. Yokozawa didn't do violence.
How could Takano survive without him? Was he even alive? Should Yokozawa go to check...?
Maybe this way Takano would learn to put value on that care he had gotten. Despite this thought he wasn't able to not to be worried. How long had he taken care of Takano? Now Yokozawa didn't have anyone to take care of and he had plenty of time to himself, but he didn't know how to take care of himself anymore. He didn't even know what he liked, what he wanted. Besides Takano.
Yokozawa let Sorata be after deciding that he would choose his cat's bride carefully.
The sun was shining outside, but that didn't move Yokozawa's heart. Yokozawa's apartment was located far from Marukawa and at the centre of the city, which made it slightly difficult for him to go to work, but you could see a park from the balcony, so that's why he preferred to live there. Sorata liked to take walks in the park.
Yokozawa was leaning against a steel railing and smoking. He casually blew smoke from between his lips and the tobacco's smoke was hovering higher and higher in the air. He had seriously considered stopping smoking, because it brought him painful memories of Takano. Yokozawa remembered the first time tried smoking, and Takano had coughed till there were tears in his eyes, which had got tears in Yokozawa's eyes, because he had laughed at Takano. The memory didn't set a smile on Yokozawa's lips.
How many obvious hints should he have dropped to Takano?
The heck, he had had ten years and there had been no progress. If only he had been more open, but being open was uncharacteristic for Yokozawa. He should apparently be different so that Takano would like him, but how to be different? He couldn't become cute like Onodera was. His thoughts were again going right back to the "what if's", and those thoughts had to be kept away.
He had wasted half of his life, the time which he could have used other things than now empty dreams.
Could there be anyone who was as pitiful as him? He highly doubted that. There were probably lots of people, who had had their heart crushed, but he didn't know anyone. That was because he hadn't been close enough to people, he had never talked about these kinds of things. Though it wasn't like he even wanted to do that... How embarrassing would that be to say that "I've been secretly in love for ten years."! Uh huh.
He should go out, let his life continue. How tiresome.
Didn't people usually go to bar to... hit on... someone else or have a one night stand after being rejected? Get insanely drunk, and have a lovely hangover the next day. But no one could be better than Takano. Takano had been the closest to him, the most precious. Usually people didn't meet many they could be close with or at least Yokozawa couldn't remember having those.
Yokozawa had already finished the cigarette, but had stayed on the balcony, shivering in the wind, watching the gray sun.
Yokozawa lowered his eyes to meet the balcony's floor. A smile.
Why is it that even though my heart feels such loneliness
Why do I try so hard to push people away?
If I were to disappear from this world tomorrow
I'm sure that there wouldn't be anyone who would cry for me
I want to laugh and cry together with someone important to me
A/N: The lyrics are from a song "My true self", I've listened Vocaloid's Miku and Kaito's versions but I think this may be someone else's song ?
Thx for reading !