A/N: Hey All, this is just a one shot. I'm a small writers block for Remember Me, so I thought I'd give you something I've been working on for the past few weeks. Let me know what you think. Thanks.
Another Friday night, going out to the bar with my girls. We do this every week, but deep down I loathe it. But I have to put on my front and play the part. My friends will never know that it kills me to walk in to that bar every week. I put on my fake smile and laugh at all the right parts. It's what I do best.
"You ready to go Spence?"
I'm applying the last of my lip gloss in the mirror. I close the cap and stare at myself in the mirror. I don't recognize myself anymore. It's sad really. I look at Ryan and give her a nod.
"Yeah Ry." I throw the lip gloss in my purse. "Let's get this over with." I say under my breath. You would think they would realize I haven't been myself lately. I'm not the same person I once was.
This is routine, they dance, they drink, they talk to girls and I stand there with my fake smile on my face, trying to act like I'm having a good time. It's getting old. This whole charade is getting old but I don't ever let it show. I don't want anybody to know that I'm really just drowning on the inside.
The show I put on has become all too easy. I can fool them, but I know I'm not fooling myself. That's what makes it so much harder.
We walk up into the bar and instantly I see all the regulars. We see them every week. They all know us and we know who they are.
"Come on Spencer, let's get us some drinks."
That's the only reason I agree to come out to this bar week after week. I love the feeling of drinking until I don't know my own name. It numbs the pain.
We walk over to the bar and Joan is behind it like every Friday. "Hey Ladies. Good to see you again."
"Hey Joan, looking good tonight. Can we get three buds please?" Ryan says with a wink. "And maybe a dance later?" Joan blushes at Ryan's lame attempt at flirting. I want to roll my eyes but I don't. As much as I love Ryan and our friendship, nothing has been the same lately. I don't want to come off as an ungrateful bitch because I'm not, I'm just…different now.
Joan grabs three beers and sits them on the bar in front of Ryan, Dani and myself. "A lot of beautiful ladies here tonight." Ryan says looking around the bar while sipping on her beer.
"You say that every week Ry." Dani says rolling her eyes. At least somebody agrees with me. "Plus it's the same girls that were here last week." I'm glad somebody else notices this as well.
"I do. So let's see who's going to be the lucky lady tonight." She looks around the room scoping it out. Ryan takes home a different girl every Friday. She doesn't do relationships never has and never will. How this doesn't get old to her, I guess I'll never know.
"Her." Ryan points to a blonde across the room wearing a mini blue jean shirk and a red halter-top. Typical, a small framed blonde with big tits who seems to already be smashed, as Ryan puts it, the drunker the better. Ryan leaves to go talk to Barbie.
"Quick Spence, ex alert twelve o'clock." Dani says before taking a sip of her beer. I look towards the door and see her. I knew she'd be here. She always is, she's the reason I loathe coming to this bar.
"Is that her new girlfriend?" I glace her way again and shrug. The least emotion I show towards the subject the better.
"Guys, this is Tracy."
"Stacy." Barbie says. Ryan shrugs.
"This is Spencer and Dani." I nod at her, no reason to talk to her because I wont see her again after tonight.
"Nice to meet you guy. These are my friends, Alex and Carmen." They nod and we all stand around at bar table awkwardly. The DJ puts on some dance song that I don't really like but I nod my head to the beat just because it's playing the part.
"So what do you do Spencer?" One of the girls asks stepping into my bubble. I give her a look and she takes a step back.
"I'm a exotic dancer."
"Really?" I'm bored already.
"Oh that's funny Spencer." I wasn't trying to be funny. But I'll throw her a smile. "So what do you really do?" She doesn't take a hint.
"I'm a cop."
I can't help but look around the bar. I see her, she's on the other side of the room with a group of people laughing at something funny. I miss her laugh. I shake the thought off quickly.
I can't get caught up thinking about her.
"Are you serious this time?" She asks unsure.
"Yeah I'm serious Alexis."
"Right, Alex." I think she got the hint that I'm not interested because she saunters off to talk to Dani.
"Sorry about Alex. She doesn't know how to take a hint." Carmen chuckles before taking a sip of her beer.
I allow myself to laugh. "Do you know how?"
"I do. But I think you're looking for some company tonight." I give her a blank stare. "You see, every Friday night I see you always looking in the same direction." She nods her head in the direction of my ex. "Why don't you give her something to be jealous about for once?"
"I don't play games."
"Neither do I." I look at her and hear the sincerity in her voice. "But I don't want to see somebody as beautiful as you sit by yourself all night." She says leaning down and whispering into my ear.
"Who says I'll be sitting by myself all night?"
I look up and see her staring over in my direction, she quickly looks away thinking she wasn't caught and wraps and arm around tonight's bimbo. I try to fight the jealously but it's useless.
I don't want to be that girl, that girl who is still pinning over her ex. But it's my fault we aren't together anymore. It's my fault her arm is draped over another girl. I have to live with my choices. I have to except that Ashley and I are no longer together.
"Don't what?" I ask Carmen.
"Don't think about her."
"I can't help it."
"Yes you can. I don't know your story Spencer, but I can tell you still want her. It's obvious. But don't, she's here with somebody else."
"It's my fault. I pushed her away."
"And I'm sure you had your reasons." I look at Ashley again. "Look at me," Carmen grabs my face and turns it towards her, "Don't let whatever is going on over there ruin your night."
I have to give Carmen credit. My friends have no idea how much I'm hurting but this girl I've know for all of five minutes is able to figure me out.
"I thought I was strong enough, but I'm not."
"What are we doing?" I'm being dragged to the dance floor. I don't dance. Ok well I dance, but I'm not in the mood to dance. Plus Ashley's here, she knows I don't dance at bars I only felt comfortable dancing with her in private.
"We're going to dance. You're going to have a good time tonight even if it kills you." When we get to the dance floor Carmen turns me around so my back is pressed up against her front, she wraps her an arm around me and slowly grinds in to me.
I have nothing to lose. I should just enjoy myself for once. I bend my knees and start to sway with her. I feel myself losing control while Drake's 'Find Your Love' blares through the bar speakers.
I wrap my arm around the ones that's wrapped around my waist and intertwine our fingers and throw my other one in the air while I'm getting lost in the beat.
We dance the whole song. I'm getting lost in the rhythm. I close my eyes and throw my head back onto Carmen's shoulders. I sway my hips side to side and before I know it I'm grinding my ass into her front.
I'm so lost in the moment that I don't feel Carmen's free hand slide itself down my thigh towards my center.
"That's it Spencer. Just let go." Carmen whispers in my ear.
I can't let go. I never want to let go. What am I doing?
"I'm sorry I can't."
I turn my heel and head off the dance floor. I glance in Ashley's direction and notice she is no longer there. I need a quick escape. I need to leave. I can't be here anymore.
When I walk into the bathroom, what I see literally breaks my heart into a million pieces. Ashley is pressed up against the sink and tonight's bimbo has her in a heated lip lock. I'm just stunned. I'm paralyzed; my feet don't seem to want to move.
She opens her eyes and sees me. Her eye's get wide and bug out way beyond their normal size.
I don't give her a chance to say anything.
"Sorry I was just going to use the restroom." I quickly walk past them and shut the bathroom stall, leaning up against it as single tear rolls down my face.
Why did I do this to myself? I hear them scurry out of the restroom. I try to get myself together before walking back out to the bar.
I've had enough action for one night. I think it's time that I leave and go back home. Seeing Ashley with another girl has ruined my night. I walk out of the restroom and quickly look for Ryan or Dani to let them know I'm going to call a cab and go home. I'll come up with some lame excuse, like an emergency at work. I've used the I don't feel good excuse far too many times.
I spot Dani right away and make my way over to her, she's still chatting with Alex. "Hey Dan, I have to go something came up at the station." I hope she buys the lie.
"Awe Spence. Are you sure you have to leave so early?" I put on my best sad face and give her a quick nod.
"Yeah I'm sorry. I'll call you later in the week." She pulls me in for a hug.
I feel eyes on me as I walk out of the bar and hail the first taxi I see. I get in and inwardly curse myself.
I want to throw up. Why did I do this to myself? Why did I let her go? I still love her.
I will always love her. I miss lying in her arms, her sweet whispers in my ear, leaving me notes on the bathroom mirror. I miss everything about her. Her beautiful smile, her stunning body.
"7.95" The cab drive says from the front seat interrupting my thoughts. I reach into my wallet and pull out a ten dollar bill.
"Keep the change."
I exit the cab and walk up the steps to my apartment.
This was once our apartment. I put the key in the hole and unlock the door, pushing it open slightly. As soon as I enter her scent hits me like a ton of bricks.
I can still smell her. Her smell is intoxicating. I could bathe in it. It's only been two months since she's left but she left her mark our apartment and in my life.
We've known each other since we were kids, eight to be exact. She wanted to marry me, but I can't find the courage to come out to my mom.
My mother thought we were life long best friends who shared a two-bedroom apartment together. Little did she know, we had been dating since we were sixteen.
That's six years together and I can find the courage to come out to my mother? Why am I so scared? Why did I pick my mother over my happiness? It makes no sense to me. But its what I did and I can't take it back. She hates me.
My house phone brings me out of my thoughts. I slightly pad over to the kitchen and lift up the receiver.
This happens every Friday night. I know it's her. I can hear her breathing on the other end of the line. My heartbeats faster hoping this will be the day she finally says something to me.
There is silence for a few minutes just listening to the other person breathe.
"Ash?" I finally breathe out. I hold my breath because I can't believe I finally said something. It's the first time in two months that I've spoken her name to her.
"Come home." It's all I say. I have nothing else to say. I hear the phone click. I probably scared her off. I will marry her. I will tell my mother. I just want the love of my life back.
I don't have time to think about the awkwardness that just occurred. I retreat to my bedroom to ready myself for bed. I strip off my pants, shirt and bra. I can't sleep in anything else but my panties.
I undo the covers and climb into bed. I think about Ashley. I think about all the times we've had. I miss her so much. A single tear runs down my face.
I lay in bed for what seems like an hour. I toss and turn and stare up at the ceiling. I can't sleep. My thoughts are running wild. I look at the clock. It's only midnight. I grab my cell phone from the nightstand and scroll down the list of names.
I pause when I find the right one.
I want so bad to press send. But then I think it's too late. I should really do this in person. I'm not a coward anymore.
A knock at my door disturbs my thoughts; it's probably Dani coming to spend the night. Ryan and her are roommates and she usually escapes to my house to get away from Ryan's weekly pleasures.
I grab my robe from the back of my door and tiptoe barefooted to the front door.
I open the door.
I can't breath.
My heart beings to beat uncontrollably.
The palms of my hands begin to sweat.
"Ash?" I whisper out.
"You said to come home." I didn't think she'd actually show up. "I've missed you Spence."
"Ash?" It's all I can say. I don't have words to register that she's standing in front of me.
"Can I come in?" I just nod my head and open the door wider for her.
She walks into the living room. I close the door and walk slowly towards her. She's pacing the living room back and forth. I wait patiently for her to say something. I'm afraid of where this conversation might lead or the fight that might stem from it.
I watch her for a full five minutes. "I'm sorry Spence."
I take a seat on the couch. She's stops pacing and sits down on the coffee table in front of me. "I don't want to lose you. I can't be without you anymore. When I saw you with that girl tonight, I lost it. I tried to numb the pain by…"
"Making out in the bathroom?"
"Yeah…" She bows her head in shame.
"It really hurt to see you with somebody else." I whisper out. She looks up at me and I can see it in her eyes how sorry she is.
"She didn't mean anything."
I don't say anything. I just nod my head while silent tears run down my face.
"I'm so sorry Spence. I want to come home. I don't care if you're not ready. I was being selfish."
"That's just it Ash. I don't care anymore. I just want you. I'll do whatever you want me to. Just come home baby. I can't live without you anymore."
She doesn't say anything, but looks deeply into my eyes. Before I know it her lips are crashing in to mine.
Right now, this is all that matters. Everything else will work itself out in the end. I just want her. I just want us.