A/N: I know, I know, I've been gone a while. I miss being here. This was triggered by the many ones like it that are floating around on the site. What thoughts are filling Brennan's head before she goes into Booth's room in the penultimate season 6 episode. Hope you like it, let me know. Thanks for reading!
She had spent years, both before and after becoming a Doctor being extremely rational, keeping people at a distance. Her social awkwardness prevented her from having the courage to attempt to interact with 'normal people'. After her parents left she did not feel the desire to try, did not see the use of it either. And yet, over the past seven years, the influences of Booth and Angela penetrated her tough exterior and while she still has trouble with revealing her emotions, both because of fear and because of her disability to come up with the correct vocabulary to express herself. Even if she is a best-selling author.
"Don't make me leave" That was what Vincent kept repeating as he lay gasping for breath, bleeding on the platform floor. Did he really believe that she wanted him to leave? Did he think that she cared so little about her interns that she would not care about their departure? That she was willing to just throw away one of the best and brightest? Was their collaboration not proof that she did care? Or did he merely see it as her way of satisfying a scientific curiosity?
Was it she that made people leave? She always claimed that everyone left her, everyone leaves eventually and used it as an excuse not to form strong connections with anyone. But perhaps it was this specific attitude that caused them to leave. They wanted a connection, she refused to give, it was her own shortcomings, not theirs. "Don't make me leave" - she didn't want people to leave. She didn't want Vincent to leave. He was young and innocent. He was brilliant and enthusiastic. And he thought that she wanted him to leave...
When Booth had been shot by Pam Nunan, she had been unable to sleep for days; until her exhausted body forced her to rest. Every time she had closed her eyes she saw Booth lying on the floor of the bar, his blood running over her hands, his gasping for breath. Now she is reliving this agony with Vincent's death while lying on Booth's couch. A senseless death. A death that was meant for Booth. Broadsky's target had been Booth. If Booth had answered the phone instead of Vincent, he would be dead. She would have watched him die. They would have been separated, never to return back to the center again. Parted with so many regrets.
The thoughts are agonizing and she has been unable to sleep. She realizes that her head hurts not only from the thoughts, but from the crying that she had not realized she had been doing. Tears were supposed to be cathartic, that is what 'they' said. The proverbial they who seem to have answers to everything. But these tears have not relieved the pressure of pain that has been pressing down on her chest, they have made her head hurt. She knows of only one thing that is a sure remedy for emotional pain. A remedy that she nearly destroyed. A remedy that she never before admitted was what she needed until she was too far away. There was only one time that this remedy had been unable to sooth her pain. It had been her own fault, but they were past that now. She could admit that she needed him. She could only hope that he would still be her remedy.
So she goes to his bedroom door and hesitates for a moment before working up the courage to open it, wondering if she is doing the right thing. But her heart is taking over so she continues. Only to be frightened by his quick reflexes, and suddenly there is a gun pointed at her. When he puts down the gun she moves closer. She tells him what is wrong. And like always he has an explanation that is reasonable to him. She latches onto it, and to him. He lets her. He wants to sooth her pain, make it go away. It is still dark out, this blanket of darkness provides them with the security they need to just be together in each others arms. Tomorrow there is going to be fear, tomorrow there is the potential for death, tomorrow there will be sadness. But in this brief time before the sun rises and claims a new day, they are secure with each other, safe, loved. No more regrets. There can be no more regrets.