My beautiful readers and followers...words can never express the emotion I feel for every review and add I receive. I may not reply and it is not because I am not appreciative. I am. I am without words at the recent response of this story. Many thanks to a few people I have recently found inspiration in. First, Ta Paixio, if not for laughs and Debtward I would be just another stalker, another spulgebabyangelmaker. kfoll, I am getting this out there before you get to me. This is long overdue, this I know.

If you are not reading Ta Paxio, then you should be. EPIC writer.

BTW. I don't own Twilight or intend to collect anything from Twilight or S. Meyers brainchild. I am just writing a story for fun. That's it.

Song is by Bear's Den. When You Break.


Spoiled, selfish little child

Went out to play out in the wild

I found you shaking like a leaf

Underneath your family tree

You could never live out in the open

Regretting every word you spoken

When you break, it's too late

For you to fall apart.

And the blame that you claim

Is all your own fault

You've been crying out for forever

Forever's come and gone

You keep begging for forgiveness

But you don't think you've done wrong

You've been crying out for forever

Forever's come and gone

My bleeding hands and shaking head

Regret is horrible. I constantly questioned myself if I had chosen the right path and it weigh heavily on me. Every day I wake with these intense surreal thoughts of a life that I could have lived while attempting to live the one I chose. I make my feet push forward through the motions, I smile when I have to smile, I eat when I have to eat, I speak when I have to speak, I drive when I have to drive, I do what I have to do to just get through. At the end of each day my head hits the pillow and I try to remember any point of the day when I was happy. I usually come up with nothing. Maybe when I talk to Libby I feel happy...maybe.

My pain is self chosen, I know. There is nothing I can do about it. No words could be spoken, no actions could be made, I need to suffer in silence while the rest of world lives on. That's what the hardest part is. The living. The realization that I once had a daughter with the beautiful girl who stole my heart and never gave it back. Nobody knows of course how I feel, not even my wife. I have enough affection and love, if you call it that, to give to my family. Of course Libby is the exception I love my daughter, but when I learned about Peyton something changed. This overwhelming guilt for loving Libby while Peyton was dead. She was gone and I never knew. I never knew what she looked like the day she was born, what she sounded like when she cried, what she smelled like all snuggled in soft baby clothes and blankets. I'll never hold her, soothe her, and I will never tell her that I loved her. This realization has broken me. You would think what I had already done should have made me feel guilt, but it didn't. I justified it by knowing I was making the right decision for my child until I found out about my other child, my daughter who is no longer here for me to know or love.

I think about Bella and what it must have felt like to...I can't think about it. My pain is not just for me, but it is Bella too. She lost her child, then it came to me that I also lost my daughter. That is when I began to pull back from my family wanting to gain some closure from the situation. In some way I blamed her because she should have told me when she was pregnant. Finding out I was a father by a note attached to a balloon is not ideal. She had years to tell me and coincidently I choose to move to a small town in Washington State and my life takes a detour.

I need to see her, talk to her, be with her. I needed Bella to help me. To understand, to believe, and if I'm lucky to love again. That makes me a huge asshole, I know. I regret being that asshole.

Getting information from Emmett was easy and he was willing to help me out when it came to this situation. At first he wasn't pleased to learn that it was his old friend from a neighboring college that impregnated his best friend, but after a few long talks he learned my side of the story. He didn't agree with how I handled it, but he also remembered the issues I had with my parents so he also knew the hold they had on me. The pressure of being a Cullen back then was suffocating. At the time I just walked away from a girl I loved and stepped up to the responsibility I needed to.

He promised to keep it to himself and do what he could to help. He also promised to kill me if I did anything else to hurt Bella.

I didn't want to hurt her, I really didn't. All I wanted was to talk to her and find out the truth, to learn about my daughter. The only thing I have not questioned is the love I have for Bella Swan. I love her, but realistically I know that was the last thing that needs dealing with. I was a married man with a family of my own and I knew she was dating some guy that worked with Emmett.

All I needed to do was to meet her somewhere we could talk. Somewhere she felt safe and we could start with simple questions.

What harm could this really do?