This is only lightly beta'd by my wonderful prereader Dreamalittledream/Heather and myself. You can laugh at my dumb mistakes...I've got a thick skin. Uh...other than's not your average lemon but it is 2,699 words:)

The Good Stuff…

"I'm gonna go out on a limb here and say you're feeling better." I groan. I'm not sure I'm capable of much else at the moment.

"Much. As a matter of fact, I woke up this morning and was pretty pissed that we never got to the good stuff last night so I decided we'd make up for lost time and get to it this morning…before we eat. The bacon and coffee were just to wake you up. It can wait 'til later, yeah?"

My head bobs up and down in agreement though it's not done with any conscious effort.

She walks past me, her finger crooked in a "come hither" motion and I follow like one of the Pied Piper's rats. Her bare ass is mesmerizing. It's only marred by the hanging tie from the back of the apron, and that only makes the view in front of me that much naughtier. The tie swings back and forth, whisper light against the smooth skin of her ass. First one cheek lifts, then the other, the tie follows the movement. Back and forth and in between the opposite cheek bounces just a little. She's fit but still soft and fuck if I'm not harder than I've ever been.

Before I know what's happened we're in my room and she's standing in the open space, all sexy allurement with her hand on her cocked hip and a wicked smile on her face.

I'm compelled to strip myself naked because it doesn't seem chivalrous and shit that she's naked and I'm not. Well, she's partially covered by that frilly purple apron, but again, it's hot.

And then she's not, covered that is.

Her hands move with ninja-like precision to the bow at the sway of her back. It's like a twisted sort of strip tease and Mr. Happy keeps time, literally. The not so little dude has a mind of his own and is bouncing around like he's hopped up on uppers.

She takes extra long to pull the first tie out and away from her body so that I can see it. When she is finally done and the damn apron hangs from her neck keeping all the good parts from my eyes, I growl.

"What was that?" Her tinkling laughter does what it always does and now she can witness it. "Did the Cockness just….move?"

Her head is tilted to the side, eyes flitting from my dick to my eyes and back.

I shrug. Why deny it at this point. Her laughter turns me on.


A slow, sexy smile stretches across her face. "You like it when I laugh." It's a statement, not a question. After all of Mr. Happy's antics when she so much as coughs it's no wonder she's so sure of herself. And just to prove her point, she giggles and watches the Monster move, which makes her giggle more, and he moves, and giggle, and….it's a vicious cycle that I'd normally be happy to indulge but right now I want to be balls deep in her.

I move toward her with a confidence born of knowing what I want in the bedroom. I'm no inexperienced asshat, even if I can still count the number of women I've been with on one hand. I pull up right in front of her and reach my hand out to cup her bare hip. The sensation of warm, soft skin sends an electrical current straight to my dick and he moves again, this time against her cloth covered belly.

"I've had about enough of this fucking apron. Take it off, baby."

Her grin turns into something far more dangerous. She sucks the corner of her bottom lip into her mouth and nibbles on it as she pulls the ties at her neck loose. I'm standing just far enough away that it drops between us with a whisper soft "swoosh" and we're left standing skin to skin.


"You like to state the obvious, handsome."





Fuck, pulling her toward me seemed like a good idea.

We're both moaning now, but not in pleasure. My over zealous yank on her body sent her forehead into my nose and now we're both in pain. I, however, refuse to relinquish my hold because nothing, and I do mean that in the "Not even a fucking natural disaster" kind of way, will stop the forward progress we've made.

As slyly as I can I check to see if my nose is bleeding and release a sigh of relief to find my hand comes away clean.

"Sorry 'bout that. You okay?" My words are muffled by the kisses I'm giving her in between each sentence. I'm also slowly moving us closer to the bed before we hurt each other to the point of missing the good stuff AGAIN! I won't have it.


"I'm fine, Edward. Shut it and pick me up. I don't want to trip on the way to the fucking bed." To make herself explicitly clear she reaches down and grabs Mr. Happy to give him a tug. My knees buckle.

"Then you might want to wait and do that shit once we're on the bed."

Running my hands from her hips to her ass I bend and lift which puts her pussy right in line with my dick. If I were less of a gentleman I'd move just a little and sink myself into her right here, but this is our first time together and I won't fuck that up with a quickie against a wall.

No, I'll save that for round three later today. And maybe round five too.

I'm nothing if not hopeful.

My purposeful strides take us both to the bed. She clings to me like a baby monkey when I kneel on the edge, so I simply make my way to the middle and lay her down. When she still doesn't let go I lay myself over her and feel her relax.

"You afraid I'm gonna bolt if you let go?"

She. Fucking. Giggles.

Mr. Happy twitches in response and she giggles louder.

I moan.

I'm sensing a seriously fucked up pattern here.

Her little teeth nibble on my ear like it's the last piece of chocolate left on earth. "I've never been with a guy so turned on by my laugh."

"Bella, I'm gonna sound like a class A douche, but there isn't anything about you that turns me off." With great difficulty I pry my lips from hers and start kissing a wet path down her neck when a thought occurs to me. "I take that back. The puking wasn't a turn on."





Bella's moan is my fucking second favorite sound, and who knew she'd be so damn loud. It's my turn to chuckle.

I continue my southerly descent down her body, happily staying in a specific spot when I can tell she's really enjoying herself. By the time I make it to her left boob I'm salivating. Her nipple is taut and tastes just a little salty when I run my tongue around it. After a few teasing flicks of my tongue I pull her plump, soft, tit into my mouth and suck softly. I'm still enjoying my time on her left side when she does something no other girl has done to me. She pulls my fucking hair. HARD. I'm not into pain but this…this works.

"Fuck baby, do that again!"

There is no hesitation on her part before she tugs hard only this time it's with a purpose. "Other side. It's more sensitive."

That's the understatement of the year! The second my tongue touches her nipple she bucks into me hard enough to make my dick weep. Her hands, still gripping my hair, tug my face until it's surrounded by luscious boob. I couldn't fit any more in my mouth if I tried. Hell, even my nose is covered. I don't know how she's doing it because she's not huge but it's fucking awesome! The only problem is I can't really breathe like this. I suck, nip, and generally slobber on her tit until I NEED to draw in fresh oxygen before I pass the fuck out.

I move my head side to side, and she only moans louder.

I grunt, and she hisses and pushes her hips into my stomach.

I bite, and she tugs my face closer.

I beat on the damn bed with my palm like I'm trying to tap out of some fucking cage fight, and she FINALLY gets it. It's a good thing too because I was on the verge of seeing stars before I lost consciousness.

"Shit, Edward!"

Still sucking in air I laugh, though I sound like a lifelong smoker. "I'm fine. Now, where was I?"

Needless to say, I don't linger at the sensitive fucking boob. I like to breathe, thank you very much!

My southward movement finally has me at Mr. Happy's Mecca. I like that she's not bare but not all "Wookie bush" either. It's trimmed and neat and womanly.

Looking up at her, hoping that I'm conveying my pleasure and maybe just a little wickedness, I lick up the crease between her pussy lips and her thigh. Alternating sides I keep going until I'm finally right at the seam. Smirking to myself every time she moans I do the most evil of evils and simply blow on the wet skin, waiting just long enough to make her squirm before I take a long, slow lick from her entrance to her clit.

She growls.

I chuckle.

Life is fucking perfect.

"Fuck, Bella." There is no going back now. Pulling her lips apart with my thumbs I find her swollen nub and circle it several times before sucking on it with as much force as I can. Her reaction only drives me on and pushes me to enter her with two fingers. If my face wasn't so firmly planted in her soft, warm flesh she might have hurt me when she bucked her hips again. As it is, I'm sure to keep at least one airway free and clear.


My fingers curl and pump, curl and pump, tickling her G-spot, and my tongue dances around her clit in time to the beat of Closer by NIN. That fucking song is stuck in my head on repeat. At least it isn't something embarrassing like What's New Pussycat by Tom Jones. That shit is just wrong.

It doesn't take much more of my rhythmic finger fucking to get her off and when she falls off that ledge it's with a scream. I'm really hoping the neighbors don't call the cops.

One last lick and I'm moving to the side to wipe my face on the sheets before I crawl back over her body.

"I need…fuck, I need you. Now." The kiss I bend to give her is slow and sweet but marked with desperation. I know this. I don't give a shit. I AM desperate.

The only answer she gives is to wiggle her ass against the sheets and wrap her ankles around my calves, smiling the entire time. I'm more than happy to oblige and take little time in lining my weepy dick up to her pussy to slide home.

Epic fucking sigh.

"Harder, Edward. Please!"

Again, happy to oblige. My hips pull back and snap forward, moving her up the mattress and into my pillows. God, her noises drive me insane! I repeat my motions a few more times before I want to change shit up.

"Do you trust me?"

She blinks at me and then narrows her eyes. "So long as you know my ass is off limits. It's strictly exit only, dude."

I'm pretty sure I look like I just swallowed a damn water buffalo because that shit was…unexpected.

"Uh, yeah. So, that wasn't even on the radar really, but I gotcha." What's a white lie? Do I want to fuck her ass one day? Yeah. What guy doesn't want to try that shit? But that takes trust, which itself takes time to earn.

Her nod tells me to go ahead with my plans and that she trusts that I won't hurt her…intentionally anyway. Apparently she's forgiven me for making her puke and break out in hives. Pulling out I throw her legs over my shoulders and sit up on my knees. If I were a smooth fucker I wouldn't have to pull out but knowing us it would lead to a broken dick, or foot, or something equally unpleasant. Safety first.

I learned early on that she was bendy and I intend to use that to my advantage. The position I have in mind probably isn't romantic but it's going to feel fucking good for both of us.

After making sure she's okay, I line myself back up and push forward only to hear the loudest fucking fart ever. I stop cold.

"Did you just…fart?" I'm trying really hard to cage my inner twelve year old, who wants nothing more than to laugh.

Her face is so damn red. "No."

My brow arches on it's own and I choke a little on the chuckle stuck in my throat. "No?"

Her head moves back and forth in a mild thrashing motion. With her eyes clenched tightly closed she asks, "Do I really have to say it?"

"Well, since I know I didn't fart and you're saying you didn't fart then I'd say I need clarification."

"You're an asshole, anditwasaqueef."

"What was that?"


My twelve-year-old inner pervert cackles.

My rational, outwardly mature, caring dude sighs and drops her legs. I move my body so that it covers hers and kiss her tenderly.

"Sorry for being an ass."

One of her eyes opens and I see a little quirk of one side of her lips. That quirk slowly turns into a full on grin and she kisses me back.

"You're forgiven, now fuck me till I pass out or I'm going to tell Garrett you have a giant man crush on him and that you secretly fantasize about showering with him at the gym. I'll use the whole "drop the soap" shit too."

This time I do laugh, and kiss her.

With a lot more care for her pleasure than mine this time, I enter her, a little surprised that Mr. Happy is still rock fucking solid. It's a snug, warm fit and I sigh again. Moving with slow, measured pumps I work us both up. Her words set my blood on fire and I increase the tempo until I'm rocking hard enough to make the headboard hit the wall.

"Right there….Fuck yes!...Harder….Harder…..FUCK ME HARDER!...Soooooo goooooooooood…"

Eventually her words become sounds strung together with grunts and moans, much like my own. When I feel the walls of her pussy start to flutter it nearly sends me over but I find the strength to hold out. Her wails of pleasure tell me all I need to know before I allow myself to tumble over into a spine tingling orgasm. I don't remember ever losing feeling in my feet before this but I have and I don't fucking care. It's heaven in a bed.

When we've both pumped and bumped out the last little bits of our orgasms I roll onto the bed beside her with a grunt.

"You…me….fucking tired, baby."

For the first time since we met her giggle does nothing to stir Mr. Happy. He's basking in the glow of a kick ass orgasm so I can't blame him.

"Agreed." Her head turns to look at me, all messed up hair and droopy eyes. "And now that we've done it, I don't plan on letting you rest much. That was the best sex of my life, even with all the embarrassment and accidents." Her smile would light up a fucking city.

My hand has a mind of it's own and moves to grab hers as I smile as wide as she is. "Not a fucking chance, Beautiful. Alice better hope she has locks on the supply closet door."

I hope it worked for everyone. I'm not sure I've ever done a truly funny lemon before. It was fun and frustrating! LOL! I'll have the epi up in a few days as well. After that I'm sure I'll have some little extra's to add on occassion.