I woke up this morning, my head spinning. I looked around the familiar room of Miharu's, groaning.
As every morning went, I woke up in the arms of Miharu. My fingers were clutched onto his shirt, while his hands were tight around my waist, secure. His cheek was resting on my head and my face hidden in his chest.
Every God-Damned morning...
My thoughts made Miharu wake up, I could feel his muscles move and unwrap from me. I immediately pulled myself away from him and sat up, making matters worse, as the room begun to go around me.
"You seem like you've woken from a hang over," Miharu said, stretching.
I couldn't really remember last night, all was just me in his room then my mind went blank.
"What happened...? I never felt like this before..." I held my head in my hands and looked up at him.
"You were crying," Miharu looked back at me.
I shook my head slowly, "Impossible, I don't cry. I might have my eyes get watery but I never cry."
"Not really crying, there were no tears or sniffles, just you stuttered a lot and it sounded like you were," Miharu went through his drawers to get his uniform. He threw me a white button down, since I borrow some of his because I don't have a lot of uniforms.
I stood there for a moment, furrowing my brows. What did I say...?
"Nothing majorly bad, just that you wish people started seeing the side of you that I see."
I tilted my head, "What side do you see?"
He turned his head to look at me, I see a girl, she's not like other girls I met before. Mainly because she's the only one I see as ever being attractive. But she has a side to her, one that she only lets me see. She says she wants others to see it, but they might judge her and hate her. I don't, that's why she lets me in.
"That's not what I asked..." I smiled at him. It was nice to know I'm the only one he calls "pretty". Being as careless as Miharu, he seems to be the kind who would never get a girlfriend.
Well, she's actually really down to earth and polite, quite affectionate and graceful. but she's apathetic as I am. She tries to push away the world but it keeps pulling back. Therefore, it leads her to be rebellious, and very, very luring to get what she wants, but it doesn't help her get what she needs.
I blushed, looking away from him trying to hide it. I frowned, because he's read my thoughts more than I expected.
"And, she's very bashful. Always blushing because she's deeply insecure, but hides it in her arrogance," he mocked. I scrunched my nose and threw a pillow at him.
"I get you're point," I smiled. His lips curved slightly, but he moved his face and his back faced me as he began to change.
I'll take a shower. I thought.
"Okay," he said.
I got up and grabbed my towel from my bag.
If you were wondering how I have everything in one bag, I don't.
When I came here, my servants packed everything I owned and shipped it down here. I actually have a resident's here that my stuff are put up in but I never go there. I let Koichi bring me extra clothes and other stuff I need. I just carry extra clothes with me.
I opened the bathroom door, closing it behind me. I didn't want to waste electricity so I let the window be my light. Turned on the shower, then looked through the drawers for toothpaste.
As I rumbled through, I found a razor blade. My fingers froze in place. As a matter of fact, my whole body did.
I looked at the blade, picking it up gently and examining it, the glare making my eyes attracted to it more, remember the taunting ways it had before.
Never enough. Never enough.
That's all I'll ever be. Just not enough.
I'm eleven, dammit. There's only so much you can do.
Not enough. Not enough.
Is it ever going to be enough?
No, it won't. It never does. The frustrations and stress I go through everyday will someday be the death of me.
Horrible, right? Eleven years and already think about how I'm going to die?
I brought my knees up to my chest in my room, my original room I've lived most of my life in.
I tangled my fingers into my hair and my head pounded and my body felt weak.
There really was no way I could be enough.
I just needed a way to deal with this. A way I can cope that I won't ever be enough.
A way to punish myself for not being sufficient.
I looked up at my desk, I got up and stumbled towards the drawers, digging my way through them.
I was searching for my old phone that someone gave me for my birthday. I was going to call someone, but it never happened.
Because I felt a sharp sting on my finger as I went through my drawer. I looked at my hand as it bled, reaching for my pack of band-aids I kept next to my pencils.
I looked back inside to see what could have cut me, seeing a shiny razor blade glare towards me. I picked it up, tilting my head.
A way to punish myself? I found that way, not the one I was supposed to do.
But I took that razor and ran it across my wrist.
Jumping back into reality, I dropped the razor and slammed the drawer shut.
No, I can't do that again.
I held my wrist, feeling the old scars. I tried to block out the memories and stripped myself then got in the shower, letting the warm water hit against my skin.
I couldn't do that again. I couldn't. It was a traumatizing time for me, it was the past now. I can't let it get to me again.
After my usual routine in the shower, I got out and wrapped my towel around my body. I looked around for my clothes, realizing that I didn't bring it. I sighed, unlocking the door and tip toeing my way to the room.
Miharu sat on his bed packing his bag, as he looked up at me his eyes for a split second his eyes widened, then he coughed, "I forgot to tell you that you left your clothes in here..."
"Yeah, I realized that," my damp hair dripped onto the floor.
"Uhm," Miharu tried to keep his eyes on me, but it seemed to wander every second, making me blush, "I could leave and let you change."
"Doesn't matter," I grabbed the shirt on the bed, reaching for my undergarments and my skirt. I dropped my bra and bent down grabbing it.
"Erm... uh..." Miharu coughed, "Okay, I'll wait for you downstairs..." He left the room, I chuckled and got changed.
Hm... Someone getting a little bit... hormonal? I said in my mind with a chuckle.
Just get dressed...
I had my bra and underwear on, I took the white shirt and looked in the mirror. I thought of the way I looked very carefully, letting Miharu into my sight.
This is my favorite bra, it's a pretty lace... wouldn't you say...? I began to fix it, pushing it up more and tightening the straps.
I heard a stomp out the door, knowing Miharu tripped.
So you can watch me through my thoughts? You perve!
I laughed as he mentally groaned.
Just a short filler. Review on Akito's malicious ways...? Just to let you know, she's just fooling and playing around.
Review please! I love reviews!