Title: For Crew Unity
Pairings: None, gen.
Warnings: Nondescript nudity, swearing, one use of the f word
Author's Notes: A continuation of synvamp's fic nudist!Zoro for my prompt of head!canon over on onepiece_300 which can be found here: http: / onepiece-300 .livejournal .com / 221657 . html. To summarise Sanji comes across Zoro taking a nap on the deck. Naked. He doesn't take it well. Syn and I then started talking about how the rest of the crew would react, and this was born. Read at your own risk.
Sanji escaped to the sanctuary of his kitchen, glad to be free of naked Marimos, rubbermen and cyborgs. The day had gone from normal [or at least what qualified on the Sunny as normal] to bizarre and terrifying in that one instant he had the misfortune to come across the swordsman's naked form on the deck.
As soon as Franky had caught sight of the man he'd promptly lost the speedos and struck a pose, and Luffy- being the damnable idiot he was- had followed because he thought it would be fun. Last thing he'd seen Luffy'd been trying to corral Usopp into their madness, but the sniper'd had a firm grip on his overalls. The way it should be.
As for Sanji, it was time to prepare afternoon tea, not that the shitty bastards deserved it. He decided to go with a meat platter for Luffy and sandwiches for everyone else, and his mind began to wander as he mechanically prepared the fillings.
Honestly, what was the man thinking? Parading his nudity in front of the ladies like that, it was beyond uncouth. Speaking of the ladies, maybe he should go and offer them solace after seeing the three idiot's privates.
A voluptuous image of Nami appeared in his mind, clinging to him in tears of fright as he comforted her.
Not that he'd do anything untoward towards them, he was a gentleman, and heaven knows they'd already suffered enough today, but surely they'd need something to distract them after the captain had decided to show them all thatyes, that part of my body stretches too.
The galley door opened behind him, and from the deck he could hear Luffy and Usopp shouting- oh please don't let Usopp have joined in too- and a pair of bare feet came into the galley.
"Oi cook- booze," the swordsman's unmistakable drawl demanded.
Sanji turned, and froze.
"What the fuckare you doing in my kitchen you bastard?" Sanji's hold on the chef's knife he'd been using tightened significantly by his side.
"Getting booze. What, did you go deaf shit-cook?"
"But you're naked."
"So?" Zoro looked at him like he was insane.
"Shithead! Do you know how unsanitary you are? Get the hell out of my galley." Zoro paused, tense, before his expression relaxed, and he crossed his arms and jutted his chest out, a smug grin on his face.
"Oh, I see. " He drawled. "You know Dartbrow, just because you're intimidated by my manliness-" Sanji snorted- "you don't have to be such an ass about it."
"Please, having seen your 'fourth sword' I'm more confident than ever."
"Lair. I'll bet you're smaller than Usopp."
"What'd you say? Oi, whatever, I don't have time for your insolent bullshit. I've got food to prepare, and your nakedness is contaminating the galley."
"Booze." He demanded.
Sanji grabbed a cheap bottle and threw it at him resentfully, aiming for his head. Zoro nodded and turned away.
Sanji turned back to the sink as he heard the swordsman's bare feet slap towards the door, but didn't relax till he heard the galley door shut, releasing his hold on the knife and laying it down in the sink.
That was it, he decided, he'd officially seen more than enough of Zoro's junk for the rest of his life, and as soon as the afternoon snacks were ready he was going to use it as a bribe to get the rest of the male crew members back into their pants. As for the ladies, well, he'd have to console them. Maybe a nice-
Sanji was too caught in his own thoughts to notice the light footsteps behind him until it was too late.
Sanji gave a confused squawk as two hands grabbed his pants at his hips and pulled down. The belt gave out, and with a mighty rip his pants surged south. He lashed out with his left leg as he turned to face his attacker, face twisted in rage. The attack was intercepted, his speed reduced by the pants around his thighs and an arm looping around his upper thigh and pulled up while a heavy body pushed him forward into the counter, scattering condiment jars.
He twisted his head around, spitting and squirming, trying to worm his arms from where the were trapped between his body and the counter. Then he caught sight of his attacker. The man's face was just over his right shoulder. Zoro. Naked Zoro.
"Stupid belt." The swordsman said, like there was nothing unusual about what he was doing. "Just shut up and relax, would'ja cook?" A rough hand pawed at the front of his briefs, and Sanji angrily tried to free himself from the pin, swearing and screaming, and if you don't let me go right now I'm going to fricassee your dick, but the knee Zoro had jammed into the back of his was holding it firm against the cabinet.
The hand moved north and under his suit jacket, and Zoro seemed pleased when it found the cook's belt. It was unbuckled and Zoro pulled it off, throwing it on the floor behind them.
"Shithead, get off me right now or-"
"Oi, Zoro! Did you get him to join in yet?" The naked form of Luffy appeared in the doorway.
"Nearly there." Zoro's said calmly, his hand moving further up till it reached the cook's collar.
"Why are you encouraging him!" Sanji yelled at Luffy as the swordsman's hand pulled his suit jacket back until it was around his waist, caught by the sleeves still pinned to the cupboard.
"But Sanji," Luffy whined, "How are we supposed to be a naked pirate crew if we're not all naked?" Sanji froze, even when Zoro freed his hands so he could pull the jacket off.
"Nami-swan- Robin-chwan- naked?" Sanji didn't know how to feel. If his goddesses were naked it was a huge injustice to them, but then again-
"Oh, not them. Nami didn't want to," Luffy said idly, sticking a finger in his ear. Sanji banged his head against the cabinet.
"Yow! Come on Cook-bro, join in our suuuperparty!" Franky declared as he entered, striking a pose, his forearms joined in a star over his head. Behind him a more cautious Usopp entered, and when he realised Sanji wasn't going to kick him through a wall puffed out his chest, arms akimbo in fake confidence.
"You know Sanji, the body is nothing to be ashamed of." Usopp started when he realised how much of a fight Sanji was putting up. "Why, once when I was fourteen I came across an entire island of people who were so terrified of their bodies that they bathed with their eyes closed! Luckily, using my beautiful physique I was able to show them that being naked is one of nature's greatest gifts."
"Really?" Chopper's eyes sparkled as he appeared in the galley in front of Usopp, also short a pair of pants at the same time Luffy responded with an enthusiastic 'Sugoi!'
Sanji snarled at the crowd of naked men assembled in his doorway and took the chance to twist around and attempt to shove Zoro off him, his leg still suspended ridiculously in the air. He managed to plant a hand in Zoro's face and pushed back, addressing the straw hat clad captain watching as he did.
"Oi, Luffy, you know if you make me play naked pirates you won't get an afternoon snack."
Luffy's face fell.
"But then you'll get an even bigger dinner, won't he, shit-cook," Zoro growled from behind Sanji's hand, grabbing at the cook's shirt collar. Buttons popped as it gave way to Zoro's strength and it slid down to Sanji's wrists where the tightly buttoned cuffs left it crumpled and tangled.
Luffy thought deeply for a moment, ignoring the cursing streak his cook and first mate were indulging in.
"Is it meat for dinner?" Zoro nodded as Sanji shook his head frantically, desperate to get out of his captain's idiotic game.
"Okay!" Luffy decided, slamming his fist into his palm, "I've decided. As long as there's lots of meat tonight I can forgive you not making afternoon snacks Sanji. Now let's go!" Zoro gave a feral grin.
Zoro gave up on Sanji's shirt for a moment and finally released the man's leg, using the quick motion to drag his pants [and briefs] down to his ankles. He then surged upwards, catching Sanji in the stomach and effectively throwing him over his shoulder.
Robin had been conversing with Brook on the upper deck when the rest of the male crew had re-emerged from the kitchen, crowding around Zoro who was carrying the struggling form of their half-naked cook.
She waited until Brook excused himself to join the others before she took a good look at the crew's latest antics. Sanji had gotten loose of his clothing bonds, only a tie and his shirt cuffs dangling from his wrists left on his form, and was wrestling with Zoro on the deck. Next to them Luffy cheered them on, while Usopp was enthusiastically telling Chopper a story. Across the deck Brook- now also butt-naked, though he had none Skull Joke!- and Franky were composing a song to celebrate their newest perverted adventure.
"Can you believe those guys?" Nami said, walking up beside her.
"They are quite unique," Robin noted, an edge of humour in her tone.
"I just hope they don't get any other bright ideas today. They're giving me a headache already." She hummed lightly.
"Although, I might go get the Vision Dial." Robin looked at her curiously.
"You know, just in case. You never know when it might come in handy, though I doubt blackmail would work in this case."
"Don't worry Nami-san, I'm sure you'll find some use for it."
"Shitty- god-damned idiotic shitty captain and his stupid shitty ideas."
"Hang on Sanji, stay still, I need to apply this evenly."
"Whoa, Sanji, what happened to you?"
"What do you think happened shithead! And why the hell aren't you the same?"
"I'm naturally tanned. Not to mention that when I was five I met the guardians of the Sun People who-"
"Oi, Cook-bro, have you- wow. You got it super bad."
"Yohoho, it makes my skin ache just to see it, though I have no skin to feel!"
"Shitty skeleton, if you don't have anything useful to say, get the-"
"Hey, Usopp! Come and... Sugoi! Sanji's a lobster!"
"Stop laughing you shithead! This is all your fault!
"Please shit cook, it's not his fault you're a pussy."
"Marimo, I'll shish kabob you."
"Sanji! Stay still, I still need to rub the cream in."
"Che, figures you'd get sunburnt."
Author's Notes: Because honestly, how often do you get to write Zoro pinning Sanji to the kitchen cabinets and ripping his clothes off and call it gen?