"...and then the cyclops swooped down from the sky... but I was ready for him. I grabbed my sword and-" a knock sounded from the door across from Odysseus, startling both him and his twelve cats that he was telling the story to. "coming!" he said in a sing-song voice. The man stood up and pranced over gaily to the door. He looked out of the little peeping hole and saw a gigantic shoe with wings on it parked outside of his house.

The door opened, and what met Hermes' eyes did not seem like Odysseus. "... uh, I'm looking for," he glanced down at the letter in his hand,"... God-like Odysseus?" he said in a questioning tone.
"Hermes! You idiot! I am Odysseus! For all that I should start a long speech about how unintelligent you are!" the man dressed in a frilly pink apron and loin cloth in hand shouted in frustration, flipping back his beard.
Hermes choked from trying not to laugh. "H-here's your letter!" he stifled out, laughter constricting his voice. Handing Odysseus the letter, Hermes ran off to his flying shoe and got in, laughing harder than he had ever done. Odysseus stared after the man in the shoe, and studied himself... then shrugged. Immortals and their lacking humor... everyone knows that it's national cross-dress day! Sighing and shaking his head, he opened the letter slowly. Hoping that a dramatic song would start to play in the background. It didn't, much to his distaste. He made a mental note to cry himself to sleep and write his feelings down in his Stone Tablet before he went to bed.
He began to read aloud the letter. "Hm... Dearest Odysseus, I know that we haven't really been together for about 50 years, but you know, I was thinking about having a dinner party! Just the 100 some-odd of us! I would really like to get in..." Odysseus skipped that part, "so anyway, please do come! It would be much appreciated! Signed, Penelope." there was a huge heart around her signature. He began to pack his bags and headed back to his home.

"SUGAR! YOU CAME!" Penelope leaped at Odysseus and threw her arms around him in a dramatic fashion, causing a dramatic love song to play in the background. And it works for her because...? Thought Odysseus bitterly. Hugging Penelope back tightly, he backed up and turned around to only smack right into a suitor. Antinoos, to be exact. The man looked at him with a jealous glare and kept walking.
"Odysseus!" Athena pranced into the room and kissed him fifteen times on the cheeks. "How have you been! Well I shouldn't be asking that because I kind of know all about you, you know..." Odysseus hugged Athena and sat down at the ridiculously large table. The most irresistible food smells could be smelled all around the house. Odysseus turned to his right; all of the suitors were there. I thought I killed them! He shook his head. He then looked to his left. All of the gods were there as well as the maids, and at the very front of the table sat Penelope. Telemachus was nowhere to be seen. Thank god. The chefs brought out a gigantic goblet filled to the brim with wine and lowered it down to the center of the table. Minutes later, the food was brought out and they all began to eat.

They just sat there at the table. It seemed as though they were all having a staring contest. Or rather, time had frozen... or something. Penelope sat at the front of the table in a strange pose in her large, fancy red chair with velvet seats. She had a wine glass in hand, her fingers intertwined around the fine glass. She just... stared. Right at Odysseus. Or rather, the old man sitting across from her at the other end. Oh, dear me, is that really him? Could that really be my dashing husband whom I have waited for 50 years? She sighed dramatically, in a spell over this deliciously crusty old man. She licked her lips at the scent of his lovely ragged shawl. Or at least she thought that was what it was... she didn't know, royalty had turned her brain to rubbish. Oh my Odyseey-wessy! He has finally appeared!

Odysseus stared back at his wife. The table was oddly... quiet. Too quiet... he looked away from her swooned gaze just before she could throw a little kiss at him. Someone's tipsy...
He eyed the suitors cautiously, more so Antinoos. The man had that jealous look in his eyes.

I wish she looked at me like that...

Athena shook her head. Mortals...

Telemachus skipped into the dining hall with a maid at his heels. "Hear me! Listen now! For I am about to pull a ridiculously long and overly detailed speech about my plan to kill my mo-.. I mean the suitors!" He said in a bizarre tone. Everyone looked back at him, and stared, then turned around and continued the staring contest. He started his speech none the less, and his loud, booming words were heard in the background.

"Dear me, what is that buzzing?" said Penelope, her drunken gaze landing on her son, who instantly fell quiet and ran away crying into his room. The maid that had followed him in stood still and quiet at the scene, slowly pacing over to the table and sitting down, joining the competition. Turns out that the maid won after a good seven hours. Suddenly, Antinoos sat up.

"I think I shall go and plot very LOUDLY and descriptively on how I am going to kill the other suitors... I mean kill the pig." the suitors looked up for a second, alarmed, and quickly turned back to their business. As the leader of the suitors walked into the other room, insane cackling could be heard.

"Oh sugar honey iced tea, sleep with me tonight... sugar." Penelope drew out in a long, slurry tone. Odysseus got in the bed, and as she was smiling at him, eyes twitching and all, her head fell limp and she started to snore really loudly. Odysseus had to fight down a laugh. Penelope never liked it because it sounded like a duck being put on a stone slab and sliced open. He began to stare at the tree in his room, it made him think about how destroyed his ego was when he fell off of the cliff into the ocean. Distressed, he quickly etched his feelings down on the stone tablet that he kept under his bed and cried himself to sleep in a ball of misery. Again.

Poseidon glared down at the scene. WHY IS SHE ALL LOVEY-DOVEY WITH MY MAN! He thought, pouting. All the other gods misunderstood Poseidon, for he had really liked Odysseus, he was just following the script. He sighed dramatically and fell on a rock, knocking off a little red-haired mermaid that was whining about something involving land. He sucked his thumb and fell asleep. He dreamt about his Odysseus skipping through a field with him in hand.

The next morning, the castle was bustling with noise that was coming from the kitchen, for Antinoos woke up earlier than everyone else and began cooking the breakfast, in order to win the heart of the lovely Penelope. When he finished, he skipped over to her room, with the silver platter in hand that had roasted mutton on it, Pen's favorite. Only when he got to her room, he heard the most atrocious snoring. What? Has someone broken into her room? He stared dramatically into the room, dramatically opening the curtain and dramatically peeking in. What met his eyes was only his beloved... snoring like a congested dragon. He dropped the platter, she still didn't wake up. Antinoos walked over rather warely, and leaned over the bed. More snoring was heard. Leaning farther and almost falling over onto his love, he saw a man curled up in a ball of misery. There was only one man he knew to do that. Odysseus.