Malory Towers parody chapter 1: On the Train.
Please review with a delicious cherry on top!
Disclaimer: This series of books, and the book 'First form in malory towers' which is the one my parody is taking place are not owned by me. They are owned by Enid Blyton.
Mysterious voice: You only say that because your afraid she'll come from the dead and haunt you.
Me: How da **** did that voice know?
Chapter 1: On the train
Darrell Rivers looked at her rather ugly reflection in the mirror, taking in her fat pudgy scowl, her greasy brown hair which was lumped and knotted in places, that was tied up in a elastic band.
The dark rings around her eyes, and her new school uniform. A poo brown dress with an orange sash, around the middle, and one of those old tan coloured hats flopped about, also with a orange ribbon around it.
She turned her self about, not very happy at all. She was going to a boarding school called Malory Towers, situated in the middle of nowhere-oops, in the countryside. Miles from any decent medical centre or civilization apart from a shabby old village.
She had heard rumours about the school, apparently all naughty girls went there and got better, well, there were some decent ones to start with. Apparently some ran away, and some even got expelled.
Her mother came into the room, sipping her tenth mug of coffee, "Sulking again? Hmm, I know the discipline at Malory Towers does sound a bit far-fetched Darrell but try to give it your best effort. You know your father didn't win a free spot at Malory Towers at that polka game for nothing." She said.
Darrell sighed, "At that illegal gambling centre? I wouldn't put it past him."
Her mother fidgeted with her shirt rather nervously, and coughed. "Well…he does get stressed sometimes, especially when his surgery goes wrong."
Then she cleared her throat, "Your father's a busy man, he needs time off to …uhh…relax."
Darrel snorted, suddenly there was a shout from the driveway, "What are you waiting for ya load of dunderheads, hurry up, you don't want to be late on your first day there!"
"Oh no, I've got to go." She murmured sarcastically. Swishing out, and running down the stairs two at a time, completely missing the third last step which wasn't there due to the time she had a temper tantrum and smashed it with an umbrella.
Her little sister Felicity, shorter and four years younger sat on the kitchen table, reading labels on her father's drugs. (He was a surgeon and had a huge collection, some legal, some illegal.)
"Oh hallo Darrell, I wish I could come with you." She said, "It does sound fun. Maybe in four years time?"
Darrell snorted, "Maybe, but only if the school doesn't burn down or gets shut down by some sort of child protection service."
"Darrell!" Exclaimed her mother, shocked, "For the last time, the school is not cursed nor is it against the law!"
"Then why was the term's enrolment sheet in a gambling centre, ready to be won?"
Her mother pretended to ignore that, "Well, let's get going, your father's waiting. We better not push he's patience, he might drive off without us." And with that, she walked out and headed to the car.
They were heading to the train station at Cornwall, where they would inevitably catch the train to Malory Towers. It was a rather long journey, and was made even longer by the fact that Felicity constantly needed to pee, and Darrell's mother wanted fresh air.
Probably because the ten mugs of coffee were starting to act up, and they were running late. Towards the end of the journey, Darrell's father was very annoyed and his temper was running high.
He jammed on the brakes and sent the car skidding ungraciously into the car park spot, it was a miracle he didn't crash. Mr Rivers cleared his throat gruffly with an air annoyance, "Well get out now, GET OUT, GET OUT, WHAT ARE YOU WAITING FOR!" He announced.
Darrell's mother got out, Felicity who didn't want to bother walking to the train station and back remained in her seat. When her mother tried to unbuckle her seat belt and convince Felicity to come out, she just pinched her rather haughtily and poked her tongue out. "Beast!" She muttered.
And with that, Mrs Rivers hauled the overnight bag out, and grabbed Darrell's shoulders, steering her towards the train station. The moment they were on the sidewalk, Darrell's father drove off with a loud screech.
Darrell stared at her mother with a disbelieving expression on her face, "How will you get back, and why do we have to carry my stuff ourselves? Couldn't you have asked daddy?" She said, her hot temper arising.
Her mother smoothed her throat, and ran an hand over her forehead (she was beginning to wish she hadn't drank 10 cups of coffee), "I'm sure he'll be back, and it's better not to push your father when it's angry. He keeps his temper for special and proper things, he'll get real snappish if I asked." She said, then laughed nervously.
"Well, at least I'm not carrying the overnight bag!" Exploded Darrell. Each of the girls' trunks were sent there in advance, and all they had to bring was an overnight bag with a towel, toothbrush and some pyjamas for the first night. Though most girls snuck in some accessories or toys of some sort.
"mm, Darrell dear, will you carry your bag for a moment, I just…need to getfreshair!" Her mother quickly said, dropping her trunk and dashing behind a nearby tree. A retching sound followed.
"Umm…I'll just…go to the train station by myself…" Darrell said uncertainly. "Go right ahead, I'll follow on later." Came her mother's reply.
So Darrell arrived at the train station at Cornwall, there was a gleaming red train for Malory Towers girls. And hundreds of students, big, tall, fat, wide, naughty and rude stood there. Calling loudly to each other, yelling over the top of each other, screaming and running around. It was chaos.
A while later her mother came up, looking better. She smiled at an extremely stern faced mistress that looked more like one's grandma gone wrong, and began chatting.
Meanwhile, Darrell observed the chaos, listening to the various shouts and sniplets of conversation she could catch.
"Old peggy dear, how's your wooden peg leg been from the time you snuck out for a swim on the sea shore and got bitten by a shark!"
"Oh there you are Hannah, why didn't you write to me in the holidays! I wrote to you three hundred, and twenty seven times!"
"Ella, do you still that that black eye I gave you last term, I hope it taught you a lesson to never stuff my pillow with stones instead of feathers, you naughty pranker!"
Darrell was only twelve years old, so she was one of the youngest accepted and she suddenly felt very nervous of all the taller bigger girls. Suddenly, the mistress came with Darrell's mother. "Well now Darrel I must dash, have a wonderful term!" Said her mother, leaning in for a kiss but Darrell backed away immediately.
The stern faced mistress glared at Darrell, "Well new girl aren't you, I'm Miss Potts, step one toe out of line girl, and you'll be a goner!" She thundered, ticking Darrell's name of the list.
Then Miss Potts raised the gigantic microphone she always carried around with her, and shouted, "ALICIA JOHNS, COME HERE RIGHT NOW AND LOOK AFTER THIS NEWBIE FOR ME BEFORE SHE FALLS OFF THE PLATFORM OR ESCAPES!"
A tall, and robust figure with coarse brown hair, mischievous eyes that twinkled at the sight of chaos and a humorous expression arrived at once. She grinned naughtily, "yes Miss Potts." She said politely, but Darrell heard her mutter, "Whatever Potty." under her breath.
Darrell smiled, she liked this girl, Alicia, whatever her name was. "Oh hallo, I'm Alicia, Alicia Johns through I daresay you already heard Miss Potts say it, it's hard not to hear isn't it." She said, then continued without giving Darrell any chance to reply.
"Hurry up, we'd better bag ourselves a spot on the train before all the good ones are taken."
Darrell followed, glad of the older girl, she decided that she wanted to be Alicia's friend. Perhaps the two of them could plot midnight feasts, revenge plans, pranks, and other little bits of mischief together.
With Alicia's extreme wit, and my father's illegal medicine that I might get Felicity to send me, I don't see how we could fail, she thought jovially. "What's your name?" Alicia asked, then suddenly a taller girl with brown hair and equally mischievous grin appeared. Smiling from ear to ear.
She and Alicia hugged joyfully, "Oh Betty old girl, it's a pleasure to see you. Oh, this is the new girl and this is my best friend Betty!" Alicia said. Darrell's heart sank, though it popped back up again when Betty said, "Yes but unfortunately I'm in West Tower so we can't be together."
Darrell smiled, "I'm sure me and Alicia would have some wonderful times in North Tower together then." She said, slipping her arm through Alicia's. Alicia and Betty had a long chat about the various tricks they played, and then they finished.
Alicia picked up her sack, and she hopped into the train. Darrell followed suit, it was more clearer inside and the air smelt fresher. Probably because all the smoke drifted to the train station, she chose a window seat and Alicia chose the one opposite, they popped they're bags down.
Alicia grinned broadly, "Sorry you never got to finish answering my question, what's your name?" She asked.
"Darrell, Darrell Rivers. Do you like it at Malory Towers?"
Alicia paused, then she replied, "Yes actually, the staff are extremely dim-witted, as long as your careful you can probably do anything you want. Oh, forgot to mention, we all seem to have a grudge against Americans for no reason, just because they're American's I suppose." AUTHOR'S NOTE: I'm not racist but I think in Enid Blyton's Malory Tower's series the girls always look down Americans before they even get to know them, and I reckon that's a bit mean so yeah, I'm mentioning it in the parody.
"Oh heavens, look at that girl over there! She's sobbing her heart out, it's only boarding school, and her mother's not much of a help either!"
Darrell looked and saw a tall girl with blonde wavy hair loose down her back, dressed in the school uniform clinging onto her mother. Wailing her eyes out, Alicia snorted.
Suddenly the compartment door slid open again, and Miss Potts appeared, hauling a prim faced girl by the plaits. "Alicia, here's another girl to take care of, her name's Sally Prim." She said.
The girl frowned, "Sally Hope." She corrected in a prim closed up voice. "Ah yes, Sally Hope, I was just saying that to see if you were paying attention."
Sally sniffed, but got into a seat without any further a due next to Darrell.
Darrell instantly jumped up, and pilled her bottle of water over Sally's face (purposely), then cried, "Oh it's A ROBOTIC GIRL WITH NO EXPRESSION WHATSOEVER!" To impress Alicia who snorted with laughter. "Oh wait, it's not, sorry." Darrell said.
Alicia got out her drink bottle, "Better double check." She was about to dunk the water on Sally's head when the girl that was crying appeared. Her mother grabbed onto her new blouse, "No don't leave me Gwenny! I'm lonely, I'm a lonely women!" She cried.
The blouse ripped, and the girl hurried to grab an seat next to Alicia, well, any seat as a matter of fact. She sniffed, "Bye bye mummy."
"OH Gwendoline, I know you'll be upset and miserable there and I know you'll get so upset and teary on your first night but be brave young girl." She said.
Then Miss Potts stomped on, with an angry expression on her face. Like the one you might see on an teacher trapped in a train full of naughty little monkeys. "The trains about to start, go further back women otherwise the train might take you with it when it does start, and you'll be hanging on by the window." She shouted at the parent, forgetting her manners.
The parent gasped, but nonetheless let go. Then the train sped of with a huge roar. Miss Potts took one look at Sally, who was drying herself with her handkerchief grimly. "Another accident?" She said unsympathically, "Goodness what do they teach in primary schools these days, not how-to-not-wet-yourself from the looks of it." She murmured.
Sally still didn't say anything but she glared at Darrell and rang a finger over her throat, Darrell knew what that meant. Instead she smiled, "Sore throat Sally Prim, how would you like a mint? Or some water?"
At that Sally gave up and threw into a rage, she started screaming her loudest, waving her arms about, and a torrent of abuse from another language poured from her mouth, then she curled up in her seat sobbing. Her head in her hands. Not unlike a hedgehog.
"What a queer person?" Darrell wondered aloud.
"I agree with you, you know, some parents wonder along and get themselves drunk on coffee, some get drunk on wine like mine, some never seem to want they're children to leave and some don't come at all for fear of getting screamed at." Alicia announced.
Sally heard the last sentence, and she looked up with bloodshot eyes, staring coldly at Alicia and hissing swearwords from another language, then stopped and reburied her head.
"Stranger and stranger." Muttered Alicia.
Miss Potts cleared her throat, "Don't talk so much Alicia." She ordered.
And so the train journey continued, well, the start of my Malory Towers adventures, thought Darrell happily, locked up in a carriage with one's grandma gone wrong, a funny girl who I might want to be friends with, Gwendoline and some odd weirdo named Sally, what a grand start!