I should have kissed you
I should pushed you
Up against the wall
I should have kissed you
Like I wasn't scared at all.
"I uh…I had a nice time," Quinn whispered in the silence that stretched out between us after I cut the engine. I glanced sideways at her. The streetlights outside my Dad's car lit her face with a pale orange glow and made her hair gleam golden. I tried to arch one eyebrow like I knew she could do.
"Me too." The clock on the dash says it's just after midnight. I hadn't realized we had spent so much time at the restaurant, and then at the park, and then at the cemetery. I also hadn't realized that Quinn liked cemeteries, but we spent at least an hour weaving though the tomb stones. "I hope you don't get in trouble for coming in so late."
"It'll be fine," she said, twisting the strap of her purse between her hands.
I turned a little in my seat, indecision weighing at my heart and wrapping around my throat like a pair of hands, making it difficult to breathe or swallow. Quinn sat up straighter in her seat when she saw me move and I froze like a watched rabbit, I could feel my eyes doubling in size as she looked at me expectantly.
My heart pounded, each beat echoing heavily in my chest. Should I? It asked with each pump of blood to my brain. Should I? Should I? Should I?
I wasn't sure. I felt like the night had gone well, and she had just said as much. But was it enough? With our past as murky as it was, with our present this confused and awkward, I didn't know if it was.
I shifted in my seat again, leaning over the gear shift and center console awkwardly. Fuck, I should have walked her to her door. I'm so stupid! This is really uncomfortable. Quinn apparently didn't share the same deprecating thoughts about me. She had leaned forward too, anticipation shining in her bright hazel eyes.
I could have done it. I could have.
I didn't though. I choked and moved in all the way for a hug.
Quinn jerked in surprise when I wrapped my arms around her shoulders and squeezed her gently. My nose had landed against the side of her neck and I breathed as deeply as I could without being too obvious. She smelled so good.
She recovered after a few seconds and returned my embrace just as tightly and we held each other there. I pulled away completely but only after the hug had gone beyond an appropriate length. I didn't pause in my retreat just at kissing distance like I wanted to. I pulled away and sat back around in my seat and looked at my hands on the wheel. "Goodnight."
"Goodnight." I felt my heart plummet like a stone at her tone, and panic filled up the empty space. She was disappointed. I didn't have time to change my mind before she was out of the car and casting me a final, tight, smile and a little wave.
The car door closing was like a nail in a coffin. I could see my opportunity disappearing in front of my eyes. She was walking at a normal pace, but to my distempered brain it was like each step she took was an eternity that I was wasting. I waved when she turned around on her porch as she opened the door, but I didn't start my car. In fact, I continued to stare at her front door even after it closed. Another indecisive moment passed and then the porch light flicked off.
I should have kissed you.
Why didn't she kiss me?
I had assumed that everything had gone well. I hadn't even had the urge to snap at her the whole evening. She was attentive and courteous, and she didn't talk nearly as much as I expected her too. She was funny and sweet and a little bit conceited.
I couldn't think of anything I'd done to put her off. Had I talked too much? Had I not complimented her enough?
Tears stung at the back of my eyes as I walked up to my front door. I burned with rejection. I held back though. I wouldn't allow myself to cry until I was safely secluded in my room, tucked under my sheets and waiting for sleep. Only then would I let myself feel like a fool. I should have known that trusting Rachel Berry, of all people, with my heart was a stupid move.
Of course she wouldn't want me. I was awful to her. I was awful to everyone.
I locked my front door behind me and then stood there for an agonizing moment to see if she would follow me. When I couldn't stand it anymore I turned off the porch light and moved into the living room.
I told myself I just wanted to check and make sure she had left, but I knew I just wanted to see if she was still there. The thrill I felt when I saw that she hadn't even turned her car back on. I couldn't see her face though the dark and the glare from the streetlight on her windshield, but I felt hope well up in my chest that she wasn't just checking her phone.
Please don't go.
Like she heard me, the driver side door opened.
I should have kissed her.
I stared up at the imposing face of her house and wondered if she was in her room, listlessly preparing for bed, disappointed that I hadn't followed through. Perhaps it was arrogant of me. Conceited. But the image painted itself in my brain and the thought that my lack of action could cause her distress tore my indecision away from me. She had wanted me to kiss her. She had leaned in, she had been prepared and I fell short.
Rachel Berry does not fall short of anyone's expectations. She rises above them.
Before I could let go of my newly found courage I got out of my car, ran though her yard, up to her front door. I reached up, breathless, and prepared to knock, but the lock turned and the door opened just after I raised my fist.
And she was staring at me on her front porch. I couldn't breathe. It looked like she wasn't breathing either. I knew I must have looked crazy, flushed and panting with wide eyes. But I didn't care because her lips looked like the most inviting things I'd ever seen.
I reached out and took her wrist in my hand, pulling her close until we were gasping in the same air. With my free hand I pushed a lock of wayward blonde behind her ear.
"Goodnight," I whispered as I leaned up on my tiptoes.
Any air left in my already depleted lungs was entirely robbed away. Her mouth moved over mine desperately, her hands pulled at my hair and my collar and my waist, somehow everywhere at once. Our bodies were pressed together in the most delicious way, I could feel every curve of her though the thin barrios of our clothes. Under my hands, her skin and hair was soft as silk. She opened her mouth and took my bottom lip between hers and I died a little inside because it was just so warm and perfect and I couldn't breathe. I didn't care.
Our frantic embrace only died when she could no longer keep from taking deep lungfuls of air. We stayed close, our foreheads touching, breathing the same air. She still had an arm around my waist to keep me clasped to her, and a hand tangled in my hair. It was perfect.
"It is now," she said when she gained back enough air.
It took me a few seconds to catch on to what she was saying. My brain had missed air for a little too long, probably. But then I understood and a grin tugged at my lips, and then I tugged at her neck and we met in the middle again.
And now that I've kissed you
It's a good night, good night,
A/N:…sometimes I listen to country music. I have no excuse.