Yeah, it's one of these. Frankly, I got quite sick of reading fics like these where the canon characters were COMPLETELY OOC and the OCs behaved ridiculously.
When a deadly ninja gets into your house you're damn well going to do everything they ask of you. You won't scream at them, you won't make snide remarks, nor would you tease them. You'd most likely piss your pants, actually. They wouldn't suddenly fall in love with you. They wouldn't suddenlytreat you nice and be polite just because you're you (*cough* a shitty Mary Sue *cough*). That would take lots of fucking time, dammit. No, you aren't a special little snowflake. Get the fuck over it.
They would most likely slit your throat if you even dared to piss them off even a little bit.
So fuck those authors for making such ridiculous stories.
Let me show you how it's done.
Eh, for all the people like me who're sick of those fics, WELCOME, FRIENDS! *glomps you* You can ignore my cussing, that wasn't meant for you ^_^
I tend to be rather... uhm... rude when it comes to thing I don't like, I hope you understand xD
Secondly, DISCLAIMER: I own nothing but my own OCs. Because duh.
Thanks and enjoy the first chapter :3
Why? Why me? God, my man, I know I kind of completely ignored you my whole life, bro, but… help a sister out here? I know I kind of use your name in vain all the time, ya know, but this is my sanity we're talking about here. So, we cool? Yeah, we cool. Now, could you send one of your angels to save me from these weird, crazy cosplayers? Now? Come on! Please? PLEASE?
No? Fine! Screw you, God! I don't need you and your stupid holy... er... holiness! I'll just go pray to... to Chuck Norris!
"What the hell are we supposed to do now?"
"First, we question them."
"Can we kill them afterwards?"
"But I need a freaking sacrifice! Jashin won't be pleased if I'm late, dammit!"
"Shut up already about Jashin, yeah."
So… Chuck, dude, little help please? Locked up in your own house, taken as a hostage by some psycho cosplayers with obvious personality disorders was not how I'd imagined my Saturday night to go. Actually, I would've been asleep by now, if it hadn't been for these crazies. Three guys, with striking resemblances to three Naruto characters, were standing in front of me and discussing what to do with me and my friend. I nervously glanced over to Ella, who seemed just as scared as I was. They'd tied us up tightly and I was trying to come up with a plan to escape. They'd even taped our mouths shut, so I didn't really have a real way to communicate with my redhead friend.
I suppose the best thing to do was think back at what had exactly happened. Everything had went so fast.
Two girls were merrily walking through the busy streets of their small village. It was Saturday morning and they'd decided to go shopping for some clothes. The red-haired girl, with her dark blue eyes and pale skin, was happily chatting away to her brunette friend, who listened attentively. Her dark brown eyes were mainly focused on the shops, though she still answered her friend's questions. She had a bronze skin tone, and a carefree look on her face. The redhead was smiling widely, and dragged the brunette into a shoe store.
"What size are you again?"
"Suzan, seriously." The brunette named Suzan laughed at the look her friend was giving her.
"I was just joking, Ella! You're no fun." Ella sighed, rolling her eyes. She walked over to look at some nice heels, while Suzan just followed her, peeking over her shoulder. It went like that for a few minutes, considering Suzan disliked shopping for shoes. She'd rather look for new shirts or tops, but Ella had insisted on it, seeing as how she needed new shoes for her date.
Eventually Suzan got sick of looking around and after telling Ella she'd be waiting outside, she left the store. She was getting increasingly bored when she saw an old lady drop her bag and the contents rolling all over the streets. Seeing as how there was no one else close enough to help her, Suzan decided to pick up the old lady's stuff for her and put them back in the bag. The poor woman had seemed to have difficulty reaching for her stuff anyway.
"Thank you my dear girl!" the old lady took her hand, smiling widely at her. "Could you walk me across the street? I have trouble seeing these days and I forgot my glasses at home."
"No problem." Suzan said, and the old lady took her arm as she was guided safely across the street without any difficulty.
"Oh, you're such a sweet thing! Thank you for helping an old woman out." Suzan smiled uneasily. She was handicapped when it came to receiving compliments or even being thanked.
"It was no trouble." Suzan told her awkwardly.
"Oh, I should give you something in return, shouldn't I? Well, hold on a second, sweetie-" the old lady started looking through her dark purple, leather purse as Suzan tried to convince her to stop.
"Y-you really don't have to give me anything, miss, it was no big deal! I just… eh…." Her eyes widened when she saw a star which seemed to be made out of diamond. The old lady handed it over to her, and it didn't feel fake. "Ehm, miss, this isn't real diamond or anything, is it?" The old lady ignored her question.
"I'll give you three wishes. Only three! Use them wisely, alright? Well, off I go now. Goodbye, sweet girl." Suzan had been studying the diamond star intently, trying to figure out whether it was fake or not. She looked up and wanted to respond to the old lady's blabbering, but she was already gone. Suzan blinked twice, trying to figure out what had just happened. Senile old lady seemed to have vanished into thin air. She doubted the star was made out of real diamond. Wishes upon a "diamond" star? Really? Suzan chuckled softly to herself as she tucked the star in the pocket of her coat, right before Ella had joined her again with a content smile on her face and a bag with probably new shoes in it.
"I'm done! Let's go!"
Ah, yes. I'd completely forgotten about that. Wait, that old lady had said she'd given me three wishes. When I showed the star to Ella, conveniently while we'd been watching another episode of Naruto Shippuuden, Ella had wished that the Akatsuki had been real so that we could meet them.
My eyes widened in shock.
Wait. Did that mean these weren't actually insane cosplayers?
NO WAY! That stuff only happened in movies, wishes weren't real! They couldn't be real! How? How had it worked? Had that star opened some kind of… portal to the Naruto universe and sucked them out? Well, three of them, anyway. Hold on, three? Ella hadn't specified which ones or how many she'd wanted to show up. She'd simply said "Akatsuki". WAIT. Did that mean the past and the future Akatsuki? But… that meant Orochimaru and Taka as well! Though why hadn't they shown up? Why only three?
I was completely dumbstruck. I felt numb, almost. I didn't even feel Ella nudging me, and before I knew it, I blacked out for a second. This couldn't be happening. Not to me. It had to be some weird dream, right? I slowly looked over to Ella, who was eyeing me worriedly. I took a deep breath through my nose. Calm down, I told myself. There are only three here. Maybe the rest won't even show up?
Suddenly, the tape on my mouth was ripped off rather violently and I winced. I stared up at Hidan, who was glaring at me impatiently.
"Girl. The hell are we?" he demanded to know. I stuttered as I answered him.
"I-in, in Lancaster, Wisconsin." he raised an eyebrow, not understanding me a bit. "You're in a dif-different world. I, I think you got sucked into ours… by accident?" From the look he was giving me I could tell he felt like getting angry and using me as his outlet. Luckily another member interrupted.
"That would explain a lot, yeah. So how do we get back?" Deidara asked, folding his arms. I tried to calm myself.
"A-ah, well, the thing that probably brought you here… it kind of, ehm, got lost after the portal opened."
"Say what? How the fuck are we going to get back now?" Hidan yelled in outrage. I flinched and glanced at Ella, who seemed just as shocked as I'd looked just a few seconds ago. It seemed she'd also finally figured it out.
"Calm yourself. We simply need to find the "thing" that brought us here in the first place. That's all there is to it." We now both stared at Itachi. Hidan wasn't stupid enough to yell at him, at least. I decided to speak up again. I somehow had to ensure that me and Ella stayed alive, right?
"S-so, what are you going to do with us?" The three members exchanged looks. Hidan smirked.
"Well, we only need one person to tell us about this world." He grabbed his scythe, staring at Ella, who shrieked (or tried to, as she still had tape on her mouth).
"W-wait!" I yelled in panic, getting up quickly. At least only my arms were bound, so I could walk fine. "I c-can't really cook, but she's a professional, a-and I can clean! S-so please don't kill anyone! We can both be... kind of helpful!" My voice was shaky, as were my knees, but I couldn't let them kill Ella. I whimpered when Hidan's glare shifted to me and he took a step towards me, but he was stopped by Itachi.
"That's enough. They can both be useful to us." If I hadn't been that nervous I would've sighed in relief.
"Fine!" Hidan threw his hands up in the air. "But I'm going to kill someone eventually!" he exclaimed as he walked out of the living room. I looked gratefully at Itachi, though I was still scared with that walking, talking killing machine parading around my house. I knew Itachi was actually, well, good-natured. Of course he didn't know that I knew his secret. I planned to keep it that way. I then looked at Deidara, and backed away when he came walking towards me now.
"Oi, I'm not gonna kill you. Just wanna untie you, yeah." he clarified dryly, and I let him, though I was cautious the entire time. My brain was working overtime, trying to figure out what to do next. Run? But then tell who? The police would be slaughtered, as would the FBI, CIA and even elite soldiers. But how was I going to run away in the first place? I knew they would be keeping an eye on both me and Ella. One wrong move and we would both be dead. We weren't that essential, after all.
Ella let out a loud sigh when Deidara pulled off the tape on her mouth. She was paler than usual and looked incredibly stressed out.
"Tell me what this "thing" is that brought us here and how you got it." Itachi demanded. I gulped, and looked at Ella, before I hesitantly began to tell the story. The two Akatsuki members listened carefully, and when I was finished Itachi still had no real expression on his face, but Deidara was frowning, staring at me sardonically.
"So, you meet a senile old lady who gives you a star-shaped diamond and when you get home it randomly explodes, makes a portal and sucks us in, transporting us here? Did I get that right?" Now I heard it spoken aloud, I realized how ridiculous it sounded. Ella tightly held onto my hand, not hiding that she was freaked out for one bit.
"Y-yes." I muttered, avoiding his eyes.
"You think we're stupid, yeah?"
"It's too outlandish to not be true, Deidara. I doubt they would make up such a story, fully knowing we could kill them." Itachi reasoned. Deidara huffed something unintelligible, but didn't protest.
"So, I suppose we're gonna look for that star that brought you here?" I asked, having managed to calm myself down somewhat. Deidara was about to respond when Ella finally said something.
"U-uhm…." she scratched the back of her head. "That wouldn't do much good. It exploded, remember?" she reminded me. I bit my lip, and then glanced at Itachi.
"Then we track down the woman who gave you that thing." he answered helpfully.
"What, right now? But I'm hungry!" Deidara complained. "Let that woman… oh, what are your names, anyway?" he then asked.
"I'm Ella, and, that's Suzan."
"Huh. Strange names, yeah. So, Ella, was it? You're a cook? Go make me some dinner." Ella glanced nervously at the door of the kitchen, conveniently the door Hidan had walked through.
"A-ah, I'd rather not uhm… be alone with that guy." she murmured. I couldn't blame her. We'd both thought Hidan was an awesome character, but that was before he could actually kill us. Deidara sighed.
"Hidan!" he yelled.
"What?" was the reply.
"Get out the kitchen!"
"Ella is gonna make us something to eat."
"Just get out, yeah!" The door burst open.
"Then where the fuck else am I going to hang out?" he complained. "Why isn't Kakuzu here anyway? Why you two? Dammit, he's gonna kill me for not showing up to our meeting spot!"
"You're immortal, idiot."
"Riiiiight, I forget that somet- OI! The fuck are you calling an idiot, she-male?" If this hadn't been a very serious situation, I probably would've laughed. Fact was, either of these guys could kill me in less than a second and I wasn't about to be decapitated because I just had to chuckle at a lame joke. Okay, maybe I was overreacting, but I certainly didn't feel like interfering.
I eventually followed Ella to the kitchen, where she pulled out some vegetables from the fridge. Her hands were shaking. I walked up to her and grabbed her arm. She turned around and stared at me.
"I am never making a wish again." she said, then grabbing a knife to cut the vegetables with. I had a small smile on my face. "And you are never helping old ladies again, hear me?" Ella was twenty-two, three years older than me.
"Yes ma'am." I said, sitting on the dining table, which was also located in our kitchen. We lived together as roommates. I went to college, studying psychology, while she worked at her family-restaurant as a cook. She made enough money to pay for the rent in our tiny apartment, and she'd soon take over her dad's restaurant since he felt like taking an early retirement. When that happened, we could probably afford a bigger place. We'd been friends for several years now, considering both our families were very close.
"Could you set the table?" she asked tiredly. I nodded and did as she asked of me. When I was done I saw Ella was cooking tomato soup. I decided to leave her alone. Cooking to her was like therapy, after all. I cautiously got out of the kitchen and walked back into the living room. Itachi was staring out the window, probably studying the unfamiliar surroundings. I saw Deidara and Hidan sitting on the couch and staring at the TV, and I realized while they did have televisions back in the Naruto universe, they didn't use them for entertainment. They were looking at SpongeBob SquarePants, and I held back a smirk.
"The fuck is this?" Hidan uttered, gaping at the TV as if it were some kind of alien.
"I have… no idea." Deidara responded, not taking his eyes off the talking, yellow sponge for a second. "All I know is that it's annoying and I'd like to kill it, yeah."
"That's... actually entertainment for children." I told them, and they looked at me for a few seconds before staring back at the cartoon.
"This is what kids here look at for fun?"
"A talking, square, yellow sponge with an annoyingly high-pitched voice, living under the sea in a pineapple?"
"You people are fucking crazy." I grabbed the remote, which was on the couch right next to Deidara, and switched channels. Oh, great. Soap operas. The Bold and the Beautiful was on and I left it there. At least they were interested enough to keep watching instead of wrecking my house.
"What's this?" Deidara asked, staring at a blonde woman who was crying to some other guy.
"It's… a soap opera. It's like… theater." I tried to explain, but they both blinked and stared back at the television. Hidan had managed to figure out what some of the buttons on the remote meant and turned up the volume.
"Rick, please don't go! I love you!"
"No. It's too late for apologies now. I can't trust you anymore!"
"But Rick! Please!"
"What the fuck is this bullshit?" Hidan exclaimed, leaning back in my dark brown couch, a puzzled look on his face as he watched the woman cry some more and cling to the man, begging for forgiveness. "Why doesn't he just smack the bitch?" Deidara rolled his eyes at this comment, as he too continued watching. Suddenly Itachi walked over from his spot in front of the window and sat down right next to Deidara, staring at the TV.
"I have to go!"
"No you don't! Stay here with me!"
"You CHEATED on me!"
"But I love you!"
"Alright, I'll stay."
"WHAT?" Both Hidan and Deidara gazed at the TV in disbelief as the two characters were making out.
"The bitch cheated on him and he's cool with that? Man, I'd kill that whore!"
I couldn't help but chuckle lightly at their outrage. Suddenly Itachi grabbed the remote and changed channels. Wipeout was on. Oh, they would probably enjoy seeing this. I relaxed a little in my seat as I watched Deidara and Hidan laugh at the failure of the contestants. Itachi was merely staring at the screen, though I could swear I saw a faint, amused smile. I didn't look for too long though and instead looked back at the TV.
"Wow, really? I would easily pass every single one of those obstacles, yeah!" Deidara bragged, snickering at a large lady who basically face planted onto one of the giant red balls.
"Eh, well, those people are just regular people. They're not ninjas." I told them slowly, playing with a lock of my hair.
"They're not? Why the hell not?"
"Because ninjas kind of stopped existing here ages ago?" I responded carefully. Hidan snorted and Deidara looked surprised, though Itachi was interested.
"They weren't really needed. Our technology developed to the point where we didn't need people with combat skills like ninjas anymore. I mean, unlike your world, people in my world don't have chakra. So we advanced our technology instead of focusing on that."
"Suzan!" I froze as I heard Ella yell at me. Crap. CRAP. Stupid, stupid, stupid!
"Hold on, yeah! How do you know about chakra and our world?"
"You hiding something from us, brat?"
"N-no, but… uh…."
The three Akatsuki members were staring at me suspiciously, and I knew I had to answer them somehow. If not, I would probably die or get tortured into answering. I remembered what Itachi's Tsukuyomi could do.
Finally! That took me way too long to write.
Also, I made Deidara say "yeah" at the end of his sentences because... well, when he says "hm" or "un" he just seems like a retarded caveman. Besides, I like it better. Just my personal preference, if you get what I'm saying.
Thanks. You can review nao. :D