STORY TITLE: Kill Myself

AUTHOR: Tinyteffers

RATING: Mature

PARINGS: Gibbs/DiNozzo, McGee/Abby

WARNING: This story talks in depth on the topic of suicide and all the different things that go along with that story topic.

DISCLAIMER: I do not own anybody from the NCIS TV show. Any other characters I take responsibility for since they are my original characters.

SUMMERY: A split second decision changes Tony DiNozzo's life forever. Will his Lover of 6 months stick by him for the long hall, or is this the end?

AUTHOR NOTE: Just to add a bit to the story, I want everybody to know that this story is very important to me because Tony's story follows real life experiences from my own life.


Kill Myself ::: Chapter 4

Original Character Bios

Jenny Curtis – 22-years-old and is currently pregnant and spending time at the hospital due to a suicide attempt and continuing suicidal thoughts. Deeply depressed and often spent most of her time in her room when not quietly joining groups.

Travis Howard – 45-year-old man who suffers from Rapid Cycling Bipolar Disorder. He can be overly happy one second and really down and depressed the other. This can lead to outbursts of high energy or extreme aggression. He has been at the hospital for the last thirty days while the court system is trying to find a more long-term placement for him.

Steven Tims – 27-years-old man who has Major depressive disorder and is currently at the hospital after slitting his wrists in a hotel room after his girlfriend of eight years kicked him out of the house.

Rebecca Kim – 30-year-old woman suffering from severe PTSD after being in a bad domestic violence relationship for the past 10 years. She most recently had been living with her parents and mentioned to them that she wanted to kill herself so they brought her to the hospital. She has never tried to hurt or kill herself in anyway.

Michael Hooper – 65-year-old man suffering from some early dementia but also having some symptoms from his diagnosis of schizophrenia that he received back when he had been in his early twenties. His son and daughter were both worried for their father and brought him into the hospital when he stopped caring for himself.

Alexander Bates – 18-year-old diagnosed young in life with Aspersers disorder. Most recently he has been talking about ending his life with his parents so they brought him to the hospital for an evaluation. In the process he got placed on a 30-day hold to get new medication started and monitored.

Holly Zimmer – 27-year-old female with Borderline Personality Disorder. She was kicked out of her recent group home for having sexual relations with another client and not taking her medication as prescribed. She is at the hospital to hopefully stabilize while her social worker finds her a new group home to reside in.

Once upstairs the security guard that had taken him up handed over his belongings to one of the nurses.

Tony climbed out of the wheelchair and looked around the room he was standing in everything was decorated in various colors of green and could definitely use a make-over since it appeared to be stuck in the 90s.

"Hi Tony my name is Carl and I will be one of your nurses this evening, can we talk a little bit and I will give you a tour?" he asked with a small smile on his face.

Tony nodded "Sure I don't have anything better to do."

That caused Carl to chuckle a little. "Well I want to get you oriented to the unit and right now is a great time to do so since most of the residents are downstairs out in our garden area.

Tony simply nodded.

"Okay well this is the day area" Carl said pointing around the area they were standing in the middle of. There are tables and a couch in front of a flat screen TV. "You can watch TV through-out the day as long as a group is not going on. There are also puzzles, games and coloring supplies over there" he pointed in the various directions as he spoke.

"Are we expected to go to all the groups?" Tony questioned, not really sure how he felt about the whole 'group' thing.

Carl shook his head, "You're not required to go to all the groups, but it is highly encouraged. It is documented in your chart if you are or are not participating.

"Okay" Tony said now sure he was going to the groups because he wanted to get home was soon as possible even if it meant going to some dumb groups.

"Speaking of groups let me show you the group rooms" Carl said leading the way to a room that was just a few feet away. "This is where we normally do art type groups. As you can see it's got some rather decorative art and crafts around the room."

Tony could see that and was rather impressed with some of the art projects other residents had done. He knew HE wasn't very artistic though so he wouldn't be making any elaborate are projects. "Okay so this is the art and craft room" he said to Carl whom seemed to have to shake out of his thoughts because he wasn't moving on with his little tour.

"Oh yes… right, moving on" He then led Tony down another hallway of sorts to a room that had a piano, another TV set, and some chairs that were set up in a circle layout. "We do our 'process' group in this room and some music type therapies."

"What is a process group?" Tony questioned.

"Process group is more like traditional group therapy where people sit in a circle and talk about what brought them to the hospital and talk things through with each other" was Carl's response; one that actually made sense to Tony.

Carl led Tony out of that room and then paused to think of where to show Tony next. "Well those are most of our main rooms, but I should show you your bedroom. Thankfully up here on the fourth floor you don't have to share a bedroom like you would if you were downstairs in one of the more acute units."

Hearing this made Tony feel better, maybe if he wasn't as 'acute' like Carl said that would mean he could leave sooner.

Carl stopped in front of room 4308 and smiled. "This is your room, number eight. He opened the door and again Tony was bombarded with furniture that looked like it was at least a decade old. It smelled clean, but he knew one thing for sure, he was going to ask Gibbs to bring his fuzzy blanket and pillow from home since the hospital blankets looked scratchy and the pillows flat.

"Tony do you feel like you can be safe?" Tony heard Carl ask and shook out of his thoughts about blankets.

"Excuse me?" Tony asked since he felt like he missed part of that question.

"I asked if you think you can be safe here right now. If not I can lock your bathroom and you can ask to use it when you need to" Tony was a bit taken aback from that question but nodded his head slowly. "I overdosed… I doubt you have anything I can overdose on in the bathroom." He didn't mention how he had also been scratching on his wrists and thighs with various objects. He had hid this from Gibbs by wearing long sleeved dress shirts to work and then always wearing full pajama sets to bed. Now looking back on it he remembered Gibbs eyeing him oddly when he started wearing pajama's to bed when normally he loved sleeping nude even if he didn't plan on it turning into a sexual encounter (it normally did anyway).

"Tony we know about the scratching on your arms and legs as well, so I need you to answer this question. We are very serious about any type of self-harm here. Do you feel that you can be safe in your room even in areas that are not monitored by cameras such as your bathroom?" Carl pointed up to the camera in the corner of Tony's room. "We can monitor you here but there is no monitor in you bathroom."

"I'm feeling safe, I don't have anything to scratch myself with anyway" Tony said as he looked at the camera in disgust. He hated the fact that he was going to be watched twenty-four hours a day.

"While we are on the topic of monitoring at night we have half hour checks. It might take you a day or so to get used to having somebody opening your door every half hour but it's for your safety and safety of the other clients" Carl explained.

Tony simply nodded. He was beginning to realize that safety was definitely the biggest thing in this place, which he had to admit made sense.

Just then there was a bit of commotion and people started filing into the room talking about the rain outside, one person complaining about her socks getting wet.

"Jenny we can get you new socks and wash the ones you are wearing. It will work out." A staff member stated to the young woman.

Jenny looked like she might protest but in the end nodded her head and went to one of the chairs at the table to take off her socks and put her CROCS off.

"Maybe if you hadn't worn your socks inside your CROCS in the rain they wouldn't have gotten wet" A young man stated.

"Steven don't provoke Jenny" the same staff member said as she brought out some hospital socks for her to wear.

"Thanks Melissa" Jenny said as she put on the new socks and then headed for her own room.

"Hey look a new guy" A middle-aged man said pointing in Tony's direction. "My name is Travis what's yours?"

"Tony" was all he said.

"Nice to meet ya Tony, welcome to the nut house" Travis laughed.

"Thanks, I think" Tony chuckled a bit himself. "When is the next meal around here?" he questioned as his stomach growled a little.

"Well dinner isn't until five o'clock but we have snacks over there" Alexander, another resident, said pointing towards a corner of the room. "There isn't much, mostly just stuff to drink but there are graham crackers and hot chocolate. Those are the things I stick with when I'm hungry in between meals."

Tony looked at the clock and saw it was only around three o'clock and sighed. Graham crackers and hot chocolate was then.

It was after dinner and everybody was sitting around the main lounge area watching something on TV, playing a game, or putting together a jigsaw puzzle. Tony was currently helping Alexander and a woman named Rebecca put together a jigsaw puzzle with the scene of a garden on it. It was almost too cheery for Tony but he didn't complain out loud.

"When did you guys start this?" Tony questioned the other two residents.

Rebecca looked to Alexander for the answer she didn't remember. "I think it was yesterday sometime."

Alexander nodded "It was actually yesterday afternoon after art therapy group. You wanted to do it because it looked a lot like the flower garden fuzzy poster you were coloring in group."

"Oh that's right, I remember now."

Tony smiled "Well you guys got a great start on it, it is almost halfway finished."

"We hope to finish it tonight or tomorrow because I could be going home in a few days" Alexander said in excitement.

Rebecca smiled at her younger friend. "That's great Alex, we'll miss you around here, you've made everything a lot of fun."

Tony didn't respond because he hadn't known Alexander more then a few hours so he simply continued trying to figure out where a random piece of the puzzle fit.

"Tony" came a very familiar voice to the younger man and he quickly turned in his seat and got a huge smile on his face. "Gibbs!" he exclaimed as he stood up and rushed to him giving him the biggest hug. "I've missed you!"

"I've missed you too Tony" Gibbs said with a small smile on his lips. He wanted to laugh at the slightly odd look on the other residents that Tony had been doing the puzzle with. "Going to introduce me to your new friends?"

Tony was so wrapped up in the hug that he forgot his manners. "Oh yeah, sorry." He pulled back and just took Jethro's one of his hands instead. "Alexander and Rebecca this is my Partner Leroy Jethro Gibbs… but everybody calls him Gibbs even though I have dibs to call him anything I want to" he said with a smirk.

Alexander and Rebecca seemed a little taken back but quickly recovered and smiled at the couple.

"Nice to meet you Mr. Gibbs" Rebecca said.

"Yeah nice to meet ya" Alexander followed.

"What are you three working on?" Gibbs questioned as he walked over to the card table and saw the almost complete puzzle. "Oh very nice. That is a very pretty scene."

"Thank you I picked it out" Rebecca said proudly.

Tony turned back to Gibbs "Did you bring all the things I asked you to bring?"

Gibbs nodded his head, "I brought the fuzzy blue blanket, your pillow, the book you've been reading and then your shampoo and body wash" he shook his head at the last part. Tony could sometimes be worse then a girl when it came for his hygiene products.

"Thank you so much!" Tony almost bounced up and down in joy causing the other two residents to eye him funny, Tony had been rather subdue since he had come onto the unit.

When he saw the funny looks Tony blushed, "Sorry guys I just hated taking a shower with that body wash and shampoo combo this morning. I think it killed my hair and skin" he scratched at his arm for affect. "See rash already setting in" he teased. He then turned to Gibbs, "Want to go talk in my room?

"Sure, lead the way" Gibbs said in his typical dry mannerisms.

Tony led Gibbs into his bedroom and automatically started putting his blue fuzzy blanket on his bed since it had already been checked in. He climbed on the bed and took a seat. "Ahh this is nice" he said rubbing the material.

"You have a fetish with soft things" Gibbs teased as he took a seat at Tony's desk chair. "So all comedic things aside, how are you doing?"

Tony sighed, he knew Gibbs would get to this at some point, he just hoped it could have been later then sooner. "I'm doing okay, just feeling rather down in the dumps."

"That seems to be understandable. I would feel down in the dumps if I was in a hospital… any place in the hospital" Gibbs replied.

"It's not so bad here and everybody the staff and residents both have been really welcoming, it's just not where I want to be" Tony admitted. "If it wasn't for that County lady keeping me on my hold I would be outa here."

Gibbs shook his head, "And not coming back to our house you wouldn't. I know its tough love sota speak but I am not having you come back home while you are still thinking of suicide and hallucinating. That is not safe for either of us. Give this a few days. Go to the groups that I saw lined up on the board for you to go to and see what happens. This could end up a really good experience for the both of us."

"You just don't want me around anymore" Tony said standing up and began pacing the small bedroom. "You see me as damaged goods and you don't want me around."

This caught Gibbs off guard and it was often hard to do that. "I don't want to get rid of you, I want you to get better so you can come home to me safe and healthy. Then we can talk about that adoption thing again and maybe have a baby in our future."

Tony shook his head, "You don't want that, you never did. The only child you could ever love was Kelly. Any other child that came into our lives would just be sloppy seconds compared to her" Tony hand NO idea where any of this was coming from but he just felt like ranting.

Gibbs stood up from his chair, "I'm not going to argue with you Tony. If you want to be upset with me that is fine but I am not going to take you yelling at me" he said.

Hearing Gibbs acting so calm just set the fire in Tony even more. "You talk like this is easy. That all I have to do is go to these groups and talk to headshrinkers, but it's not easy Jethro. The stuff that is going around in my head right now is not easy!"

"I never said it was easy!" Gibbs exclaimed shaking his head. "Quite frankly I think this is probably the toughest thing you've had to go through yet and you've been in the hospital with the plague for crying out loud. Our minds are fragile things, if just one thing is tweaked wrong everything else can fall out of place. I just want what is best for you and right now that is getting that little tweaked part of your brain all fixed up so you can come home to me. I am serious about wanting to look into adoption or even a surrogate mother. I think it's about time we start looking into the kid thing. You've wanted it since we were dating a month" Gibbs smiled at that.

Tony flopped down on his bed again and sighed, Gibbs was right he did want to get better so they could start a family. Sure they had only been together for a little over six months but he felt like it was the right time. "Okay I will stay… but it's going to be hard if that county lady comes in tomorrow and drops my hold. I am going to want to dash out of here like a jackrabbit.

"Tony just really think your options through if that happens and be honest with the woman. Don't say things are all hunky dory when they really aren't. Are you still having the hallucinations today?"

Tony didn't want to admit it but he did anyway. "Yeah" he replied.

"Then that is something you should work on with the doctor and therapists here. Your health is important and that does not only include your physical health."

For some reason what Gibbs just said had Tony curious. "What does the rest of the team think is going on?"

"They just think you are sick, I wanted your permission to tell them the truth. "Was that the right thing for me to do?"

Tony nodded his head, "Yeah, thanks… but now you can tell them what is going on. I give you permission. If they want to come visit and stuff they can do that too, but I know they are often busy with work past visiting hours."

"We will just have to see how things work out. Like today we got done with stuff rather early which is how I got here just a little after six O'clock" Gibbs explained.

"Glad it was a slow day" Tony said as he sat on his fuzzy blanket and looked out the window. It was dark outside but he could still see cars parked in the parking lot of the hospital because of street lamps. "This all feels so weird, me being here. I never thought I would be some place like this."

"I don't think anybody ever plans it Tony, it just comes up."

"Yeah it just comes up."