Chapter 2: Stuck Calm Plaining
I saw villages, with men, women and children, as all villages are in Xanth. I hear there are Mundane villages for only children. Imagine that, Mundanianlings running amok with no Adult Conspiracy to prevent them from wreaking some terrible havoc on themselves and the land. But I digress – there were Xanthian villages of all sorts along the Kiss-Me River.
I saw the villages of Calm Mount, Tip of Calm, Main Stream, Calm Descent, and even the rather whiny village of Calm Plains. I didn't sleep all day, until I reached Calm Plains and suddenly needed to kvetch about how tired I was, and the gentlefolk pitied me enough to find a room with a bed, whilst dining and whining loudly about giving up one of their precious resources.
"Thanks for finding me a bed, but it stinks in here and the lights are all too dim and how do you people sleep in such small rooms?" I rudely responded to my benefactor. Evidently, the folk of Calm Plains were like this as well, so I wasn't alone in my grouchiness. Better yet, my host Blea Ter and his family weren't offended by my slight to their most lovely home. At the crack of dawn, I was woken by Al arm clock. The cursed shrewish machine had the chutzpah to grab my elbow and yank me unceremoniously out of the bed, moaning about how I slept too late in the moaning. Too many complaints! I realized that I needed to get out of this horrid place immediately, so I packed my bags and left the Calm Plain. Getting out wasn't so easy, though.
My host wished to whine and dine with me, but I was not of age or inclination to whine, and I knew that dining might tempt me to stay. I was not usually one to bemoan my circumstances, so I knew something in the Calm Plains was causing me to do this. I brought up the issue as delicately as I could with my host, which, since I was stuck complaining, was a remarkable feat. Blea Ter was clearly concerned about this.
"Yes, ever since the land became plain, we've been stuck calmplaining… what can we do to fix this? Perhaps you, a newcomer, can help us! Yes, before you leave, you odious deserter, you must help us, Ms. Vee. And then you may go, wherever in Xanth you want to go."