Behind My Eyes: Raven's Story by Takato's Dreamer (Rainytears)
"If you want to really see behind my eyes, then you are either one of two things: nosy or insane. Nosy if you're curious about the mind of a tortured soul, insane if you never want to forget what you see."
This is Raven's story.
Disclaimer: All of the Zoids characters belong to Cartoon Network, the East Japan Marketing Company, Manishi Public Broadcasting Channel, and Tomy.
Life? Something I'd rather not talk about.
Life? Something I'd rather not have.
Fate? Something forced upon me, something that destroyed my entire persona and made me what I am today.
Shadow? The bane of my existence and my soul mate, my enemy and the only one who can stand me.
Who am I? I am "Raven", named and raised by some big-shot in the Imperial Army. His name was Prozen, and he was a military genius. He was cunning, he was generous, and he had to go. He stood in my way of power. He didn't finance me, he restricted me.
I was glad when I heard that Prozen had died by way of the Death Saurer's explosion. I didn't want him hanging around any longer... he didn't take me seriously. He probably saw me as a useful, amusing, determined little pawn on the side.
He died. Oh well.
Now I am stone-faced, relentless, nomadic. I have no home, I want no home. All I want is power. Raw, unprecedented force flowing through me is all I want.... I wonder what it's like to be electrocuted.
I'll probably try it sometime. I'll live through it. I'll live through anything.
And it seems so will Van, that annoying, "noble" little nuisance who lives only to be in my way. Someday that will change. No one, not Fleiheit or Prozen, not Hilz or Dark Kaiser, will stand in my way.
Someday I'll stand on the highest point on Planet Zi, my eyes looking over all that is mine. And then I'll turn towards Shadow, my only companion, and we'll think of ways to amuse ourselves in such a stark, uninteresting kingdom that we own.
Then for a moment I'll look up at the sky and see the stars. Oh, how I hate looking at those twinkling celestial balls of spectral silver.
They are everything that I used to be, those stars. They're like this annoying conscience of someone else that looks like me, a persistent, innocent existence that longs to take over me.... it's like Jekyll and Hyde in reverse.
I still can see some kid, pretending to be an airplane, that is so full of hope that it makes me sick. How can he love life so much? What does he look forward to beyond those stars?
Luckily, his presence is soon depleted by a great grief that even I cannot stand to think about. The sadness twists him like someone twisting one's arm, and it transforms him....
He is taken in by a sadistic, greed-driven, megalomaniac with long hair called Prozen. He soon becomes like Prozen without the hair: a hopeless kid with only desire for power keeping him alive.
Why should he be alive? To gain all of the wealth of Planet Zi. Why should he be dead? To save the lives of everyone who might get in his way.
He is Raven, the transformed soul. He is me. I have no problems with who I am. If anyone else does, I'll kill them. I am only what I am because of this subconscious desire driven into me: greed.
This is my only desire, the only thing that pushes me forward. I am only a shell. I am immobile, not really wanting to move. What I am is just a vessel for an emotion. So? Big deal.
I probably once was someone with a personality, with an identity, with a .... family. But to myself and the world, I am Raven. I am probably clinically insane. I probably would be a better person if not for Shadow.
But then again, I am not a person. I am a muffled life, a lost innocence, a scarred personality. Now I do not care about anything, not even what will happen to myself. Just as long as I get Zi someday.
By philosopher's standards I am a stoic, one who is not saddened or concerned with foolish people or circumstances. The only possible connections I have with someone other than myself is with my organoid, Shadow.
If I lost Shadow I think I'd go insane. I would not be lonely for others, just alone. I would not sit by windows and spy on people with happy families....
If I did than my only company would be that annoying child who is like a cold breath on my neck, the chilling lost child whose innocence was cut in half by the world, by Shadow.
I am a warrior. I have no cause, fight for no valiant reason or loved ones on the sidelines. I am not soft or brought to my knees in sorrow, compassion, or remorse.
What I do is what I do. Everything I do or think is what I am, nothing more and nothing less. I will never be brought to tears, never in my life.
The child would cry. He had emotions, he was a person. Like I said, I am not. That stupid kid never gets a hold of me, he never will.....
But then I visited my old home. Then Shadow went away, unexpectedly. He died, just like my parents. Then something happened that I'll never forget.....
I cried. What the hell?! I actually let those damn salty drops leave the corners of my previously eternally dry eyes. What was wrong with me?! Was I actually human?!
No. It couldn't be so. I'd never let it be so and I never will.
Those tears were a fluke.
What? You've been listening the whole time? No one's supposed to know that much about me! Get out of here, now that you've seen what's really behind my eyes.
the end. Reviews and rational criticisms will be happily received. Tell me if Raven's thoughts were inaccurate, or if I convinced you that you were really reading into the mind of a lost soul, a former child who is now lost within a pit of a misguided darkness.....