Just be Friends
Author's note – Adult themes like sex and cursing! Warning, there be dragons out there!
"It's time to say good-bye—Just be friends."
"Every time I scratch my nails down someone else's back, I hope you feel it."
"It's not that I don't love you; it's just that I'm not in love with you anymore," He said and my heart sank like a weight had been anchored to it. He looked at me with sympathetic eyes like he was begging me to understand and not make a scene out of this. Right up until now, I'd been fine. I hadn't cried, just teared up a bit. But the moment he said that, my lips crinkled up and the tears leaked out; it was beyond my control.
I must have looked so ugly, sitting there, my face scrunched up, all red and blotchy from crying. He begged me to stop, told me it wasn't so bad. I didn't believe him.
"Maybe this is what we need to put the spark back into our relationship," He said.
I hadn't known that the spark was so weak that it had sputtered out like it was dying. Maybe it was dying. Maybe if it was so easy for him to leave me like this, maybe our love and our relationship was dead. But it had been two years-two long and happy years together. We had laughed together, we had cried together and we had made love together. But not anymore.
"We just need to stop being exclusive," He said. "Maybe we can get back together in a few weeks or something."
I sobbed harder.
He just didn't want me anymore. He was tired of the monotony of being with just one person. Why wouldn't he be? He had been a flirt when I'd met him but somehow, we had fallen in love. In fact, he always said that he fell in love with me the first time he kissed me. Maybe that is why our love died so quickly. It died like it was born—in seconds.
I asked him to leave after that. I was tired of him seeing me cry. I was tired of him making me cry. He was supposed to love me and never hurt me, so why was he making me feel like shit? Why is it always so easy to hurt those whom we love?
I spent the next few days in a daze; my classes floated by me and my teachers lectured in one ear and out the other. I made stupid mistakes in my lab and had to start the experiment over. It felt like a part of me had disappeared, like something had been taken from me. I spent a day looking for what I'd lost but still couldn't find it.
Maybe it was me, I thought. Maybe I was the one who was wrong. Could I possibly have nagged him so much and annoyed him so much that he had felt the need to ditch me for good?
The ironic part was that I had suggested this to him. I had told him that our relationship needed to change. I'd noticed recently how distant he was and how busy he always seemed to be. There was never any time for me in his life. I was lonely. We'd even stopped having sex—which for him was quite the feat. I told him that if he wanted this relationship to continue, he should speak up. I gave him until noon the next day to contact me.
In the twenty-four hours that I'd given him to think about our relationship, I stewed. I didn't want him to leave me. The thought of being without him made my stomach clench and my breath quicken. It was like there was no air in the room or something. I wanted to tell him I was willing to do anything to put our relationship back to the way it was in the beginning, when we were two lovesick teenagers.
And this was his solution.
Because he wasn't in love with me anymore.
It was like somewhere along the way, I'd become nothing more to him than another male friend. He meant everything to me and I was just someone he was growing bored of. The more serious our relationship got, the more he wanted out. Keeping him with me was like trying to catch the wind—an impossible feat.
I sighed in my chemistry class for probably the thirteenth time in the last five minutes. It wasn't that the material was boring—my attention was just elsewhere. I was thinking about Him. My professor drew a complicated reaction on the board and in the back of my head I knew I should have known what it was about. But why worry about chemistry right now when I have more depressing thoughts bouncing around my head? I was single. My first boyfriend, whom I'd given my virginity and my heart to, had dumped me.
Actually, I'd done a great job at keeping it a secret. I told none of my friends and somehow managed to hide my sense of despair. Of course, he'd told his best friends and some other people he was close with. But I don't have any best friends here at school. I just have good friends and at the moment, I don't want to tell anyone about what happened. Why? I don't want their pity. I'll just cry again and God knows, I've done enough of that lately.
I spent my Thursday night with Demyx and watched as he puttered around, trying to clean his messy room. He had all sorts of random things in the recesses of his was an acoustic guitar on his bed and the floor was strewn with pages of music notes. All the clutter must drive his roommate crazy. But for now, his roommate was out of town. I sat on Demyx's bed, looking at the notes on my lab but for the past two hours, I hadn't seen anything written on the papers in front of me.
I'm 5 for 5 right now. I've managed to cry at least once a day since the break up and I can't stop this apathetic feeling I have towards everything. I don't hate him. I just...I just don't want to do anything at all. I can't bring myself to do homework, to study... I'm barely even getting dressed in the morning. But still no one knows. I've kept it quiet—whenever anyone asks about it, I just rest their fears and tell them it's OK.
I can't have their pity. I just can't.
I know the second one of my friends gives me those pity-filled eyes and pats me on the shoulder, I'll break down. And I am so tired of crying. It has taken me a few days but I'm starting to convince myself that I'm better off this way. That it wasn't me that ruined our relationship. That I deserved so much better than Him.
Demyx was one of my few friends who knew that I had broken up with Him but he didn't try to pry. He knew that if I wanted to talk about the break up, I would. It was only fair since I'd given him the same privacy and space when he broke up with his boyfriend a little while ago. Granted, that break up had been a lot cleaner than mine.
Mine had gone down in flames soon after we took our 'break'. He had called me up a few days later, furious. He was convinced that I had been spreading rumors amongst our mutual friends about how he had beaten me. He'd said cruel things to me and had made sure that all my friends knew exactly what he thought of me.
Told them all that he was worried about me.
That my mind was in a bad place.
That I was crazy.
He almost did drive me crazy, I was so furious. He claimed that he had talked to some of my friends back home and that they had agreed with him—that I was a psychopath who needed help. He'd made sure to tell everyone his side of the story while I stayed woefully silent.
My true friends didn't believe a word he said to them but for every person who spurned Him, there was one friend in whom he sewed the seed of distrust. Amongst my own friends, I no longer felt comfortable. I was so paranoid that they thought I was crazy that I was starting to make myself go crazy. It was a cruel cycle.
Everyday I felt like I was breaking; my facade was cracking just a little bit further. I wanted to take my face and shove it in a pillow and scream until my lungs burst. I wanted to drink until I forgot my own name.
And the next night, I did just that. My roommate was gone for the weekend and I decided that I might as well make a dent in that bottle of Smirrnoff sitting in the fridge before finals week started.
I turned some music on and sang loudly, not caring who heard. I danced around my room and drank straight from the bottle—my lips wrapped around that bottle like a baby suckling at its mother's breast. The first few sips burned like I was swallowing liquid fire but eventually taking mouthfuls was as easy as drinking water.
That's when I had my brilliant idea. I wandered into my friend's room across the hall. Kairi was sitting indian-style, talking to one of her friends from home on Facebook chat. Her door was open so I wandered in and jumped on her bed, making her scream.
"Sora! You goof! You scared me!" She said, smacking me on the shoulder.
I laughed and gave her a toothy grin. The room was spinning and colors seemed brighter than they should have been. I forgot where I was and what I was doing from one second to the next but I knew why I had come there.
"I need you to drive me somewhere, Kai," I said. I licked my lips nervously, hoping she wouldn't notice how drunk I was and start to question why I had been drinking on my own. Drinking on your own is never a good thing, even when you're in college.
"Where do you need a ride to?" Kairi asked, typing away on her computer.
"I want to go to a tattoo parlor." I said, deciding to drop the bomb and get this over with.
She raised an eyebrow at me and I shrugged. "It's something I've been meaning to do for a while and now just seems like the right time." I was trying very hard not to look drunk so that she'd take me seriously.
I must have done a good job because she grabbed her keys and jumped up. "Well, what are we waiting for? I'm in need of a good adventure. Hey—maybe we can find a party later or something!"
I nodded my head and checked the time on my phone. Tattoo parlors were open late around here but it was better to be safe than sorry.
Less than twenty minutes later, I was sitting in a chair with my shirt off. All I had to do was sign a piece of paper stating that I wasn't under the influence of any drugs or alcohol and lay down the money for the tattoo.
I knew what I wanted too. Because like I told Kairi before, it was something I'd been meaning to do. I'd just been forbidden to do it by my boyfriend. He didn't like the piercings I already had and had even told me that if I got another piercing or a tattoo, that he would leave me. I cared enough about that dick that I didn't do what I wanted. I curbed my own desires and replaced them with someone else's likes and dislikes.
That wasn't me. That wasn't the person I was. I was Sora and I was a free spirit. Yet someone had managed to tether my wings and I didn't like it.
As the tattoo artist brought the needle to my skin, I promised myself that no one would ever cage me again.
I stood up and admired the black ink against my tanned skin. The flesh was just starting to turn red and become inflamed from the hundreds upon thousands of needle jabs I had just endured. The guy let me admire my ribcage for a little longer before he slathered some antibacterial lotion on it. He told me some after care instructions and I looked at Kairi just to make sure she was paying attention.
Luckily, she was so I could continue to marvel at the fact that I'd just done something I'd been wanting to do for the last five or so years. The three large black feathers on the left side of my ribcage made it look like I was shedding feathers. They ranged down my ribcage and when I twisted my shoulders, they appeared to be moving.
Kairi drove us back to the dorm and we found around ten of our friends down the hall, drinking. We joined them and the story of my new tattoo spread quickly. My friends were interested in seeing my tattoo but the tattoo artist had taped gauze over it to prevent infection so I promised them that they would get a good look at my new ink later.
The rest of that night passed in a drunken whirl for me as my friends plied me with shots of vodka and cans of beer. I didn't even feel the pain in my ribcage I was so drunk.
I slammed the door to my truck behind me and and brushed imaginary dirt off my shirt. So maybe I was a little nervous. But I was also very excited. I was back home again with people who didn't know how shitty my break up had been. These people didn't think I was crazy or delusional.
My sophomore year had just ended and finals had nearly killed me but I was still standing. I had endured but I needed to have a little fun and let loose. Everyone knows the best way to recover from a binge study-fest is with a binge drinking-fest.
Walking up to the front door, I could hear the bass pounding already. It wasn't loud enough for the neighbors to complain but the pounding of the bass sparked something primal inside me. That nervous feeling I that had been nestled in my chest disappeared as my friends opened the door and dragged me in.
I was greeted enthusiastically and a beer was slapped into my hand. Another friend asked if I wanted to play pong. I accepted, eager for the distraction. We won two games in a row before Tidus and Wakka knocked us out of the competition.
I was immediately asked to play by some girl with super long hair. Declining her offer, I disappeared into the kitchen to find my other friends. There I found Cloud, Yuffie, and Aerith pounding jagerbombs.
They were pouring jager into shot glasses and then dropping the glasses into Solo cups before chugging the whole drink. I was greeted with a raucous which told me how drunk my friends truly were.
"Sora!" Yuffie shrieked. I cringed; the more Yuffie drinks, the louder and more high-pitched she becomes. I could tell that she was quite a few deep. "Grab a cup and join us! We were just toasting to summer vacation."
"And to the beginning of our four months of freedom." Cloud added, pouring me a shot. He smiled at me, causing his eyelids to crinkle. I've always thought Cloud was attractive but we've known each other since we were young and for as long as I can remember, he has had a crush on our friend Leon.
Aerith hugged me with one arm and passed me a half-empty can of Red Bull. Cloud handed me the shot glass and then squinted at me.
"You look much too sober." He said, his words slurring a little. He then proceeded to pour another shot and a half of Jager into my cup. I laughed at his eagerness.
On the count of three we all dropped the shot glasses in and downed our drinks. I'd always loved Jagerbombs—they taste like licorice and nothing like alcohol.
"Oh we forgot to toast something!" Yuffie cried out.
"How about we pretend we toasted to having a fun summer?" Aerith suggested, trying to keep Yuffie happy.
"Sounds good to me," I chimed in.
After a few minutes and another shot of jager, I wandered out of the kitchen to maybe find another game of beer pong. Instead, I ran into some friends I hadn't seen since high school and they convinced me to join them for a series of shots of vodka. By the time my friend Leon found me, I was feeling pretty good about myself.
"Leon!" I greeted him with a slap on the shoulder. I hadn't seen him since winter break.
"Sora, it's been a while. I heard you even got a tattoo," Leon said. Leon himself had a number of tattoos, the latest being a lion's head on his chest.
"Yeah, it was something I've been meaning to do." I told him with a shrug, just like I'd told everyone else who asked. I figured they'd judge me if they realized I went and did it while I was drunk. Even worse, I was afraid they would think that I only went and got it to spite Him. To be honest, they wouldn't be that far off. But I've grown to love the ink imbedded in my flesh and I didn't regret getting it for a second.
"Hey, this is my step brother, Riku. He decided to deign us with his presence this evening." Leon motioned to a guy standing slightly behind him who I hadn't even noticed until now.
Riku stepped forward into the light and I took a deep gulp from my beer to hide my surprise. Riku was nothing like how I'd pictured him from Leon's stories. For one thing, he looked nothing like Leon. Riku had white hair that hung to his shoulders which weren't as broad as Leon's but were still impressive. Riku was also about two inches taller than his brother.
They were only a few months apart in age, their single parents having both met and gotten married in my junior year of high school. Both Leon and Riku had graduated from college last May. Leon had just completed his first year of law school. I think Riku was some kind of engineer major and held down a nine to five job.
"Hey," I said, thrusting out my left hand.
Riku grunted a greeting and shook my hand.
I wandered off after that to see what some of my other friends were doing. Around 2:30 in the morning, I sat myself down on the front porch to get some air. It was really hot inside the house and my head had begun to spin from the heat and all the alcohol I had ingested. And I really didn't want to be that guy, the one who throws up. I'd never hear the end of it from my friends.
I was just checking my phone and responding to a friend's text when the front door opened behind me. Turning, I looked over my shoulder to see who was leaving the party. It was Leon's step brother, Riku.
"Well hello, Riku," I said, feeling giddy. "Having fun at the party?" I laughed.
He sat down on the steps next to me, his long legs were folded up and his muscular arms rested on his knees. I vaguely recalled Leon telling me that Riku had gotten a full sports scholarship for swimming.
"It has only been a year and I've forgotten how hard college kids party," He said with a laugh and a sip of his own beer.
"Oh, going to act so old and mature since you have a nine to five job and a college degree, right?" I asked, teasing him.
"I'm not that old," He protested. I waved him off, he was at least three years older than me and probably almost half a foot taller.
"Old enough," I said.
He shrugged his shoulder in response. "So how do you know Leon?"
"He's good friends with Cloud, who I've known forever. Cloud started working at the mechanic shop with Leon and they became friends. We all started hanging out in my junior year of high school." I replied.
"I've known him longer than you," He stated.
I snorted. "Friendship is about quality not quantity."
"Your name is Sorna?" Riku asked, getting his phone out of his jean pocket.
"No, So-rah." I replied indignant. I hated it when people mispronounced my name.
"I think you look more like a Michael." He said and he typed the name 'Michael' into his cellphone and handed it to me. "Can I have your phone number, Michael?" He flashed a smile at me.
"No!" I huffed, downing the last of my beer. "You can't have my number unless you type my name in correctly."
Riku laughed and quickly typed something into his phone and handed it back to me. I had to squint to fix my blurry vision but I could see that he'd changed my name from Michael to 'Sora this hot guy I just met'. I laughed and took it from him and typed my number in.
"Here," I said. "Now don't get too excited."
He took his phone back from me and quickly typed something in. A few seconds later my phone buzzed and I got a text from Riku that said, 'Entertain me'.
"What am I, a circus performer?" I replied, indignant. "Entertain you? Entertain me!" I shook my head and took a long drag from my near-empty beer bottle. I leaned back and laid down on the porch with my arms stretch out over my head.
"I can think of one way to entertain you." Riku damn near purred when he said that and he leaned over me and before I could register what was happening, his lips were covering mine. They were soft and pliant and I lost myself in the sensation of kissing and touching someone who wasn't Him. It felt dirty and so right at the same time.
His body was pressing against mine and the concrete porch was digging into my spine. Our skin was hot to the touch and he soon abandoned my lips to nip at my neck. A sharp bite to my throat made me arch my body into his and I let out an involuntary gasp.
I don't know how long we sat on the porch kissing each other like we were starved of any form of human interaction but eventually, Riku pulled away from me. "You should come home with me tonight," He said looking into my eyes.
I smiled wistfully and shook my head. "Sorry, but there are quite a few people who would notice me missing and I don't feel like dealing with all of it."
With that I jumped up and went back into the house to join Cloud in a game of beer pong.
The next morning, I woke up on the couch with my mouth as dry as the Sahara. It felt like I'd been eating glass; there was nothing but soreness. Tentatively, I licked my lips enough to moisten them and pry them apart.
The worst part about drinking is always the morning after a particularly crazy night. My stomach was clenched like a fist because I'd done nothing but drink empty calories the night before. I stretched out my legs and heard quite a few things pop and snap.
I looked around me and saw Cloud passed out on the opposite couch and two guys I didn't know sleeping on the floor in a sleeping bag. I stood up and got myself a glass of water that I downed in five seconds. My thirst finally abated after three glasses of water and I drank so quickly that my stomach felt bloated.
"Yo," my friend Tidus said. He was sitting up a counter in the kitchen and was eating half of a toasted bagel. He offered me the other half. "We killed in beer pong last night." I laughed in response.
"And we finally got to see Leon's infamous step brother," Tidus added.
And then I remembered. I'd hooked up with Leon's 'infamous step brother' last night. I snorted into my water and Tidus had to smack me hard on the back to get the water out of my lungs. Now how would Leon feel about us doing that?
I made out with Riku last night.
And it had been great.
I'd enjoyed the human contact and the animalistic sexuality of it all. The touching, the rubbing; all of it made my toes tingle and lit a fire inside me. And he'd wanted more.
Was I willing to give him more of myself?
But not during the first hook up. I have to play a little hard to get. I have pride you know. But no one can know. What would my friends think when they realized I was fooling around with Leon's brother? Leon, one of my best friends. What would he think?
I didn't want to know so I just went back to talking to Tidus and lost myself in the conversation.
I tilted my head back as Olette poured chocolate syrup into my mouth and then poured some peppermint schnapps in after it. She grabbed my head and shook me and yelled, "Swallow!"
I obeyed and swallowed the mouthful of peppermint patty she had made me. One of the best things that had happened to my drinking life was Olette getting into a sorority and bringing back all the strange drinks the girls made.
And sorority girls know how to drink and they know how to make it fun. Therefore, Olette and I had started getting very close at parties. God bless the girl, she can match me shot for shot and makes a great drinking partner. I haven't had a drinking partner as good as her since the beginning of my freshman year. Olette is a drinking goddess and I am a worshiper at her temple of drunkenness.
My goddess turned to make a peppermint patty for someone else and I took a quick shot of vodka by myself.
"Drinking by yourself, Sora? Isn't that the sign of an alcoholic?" A deep voice asked from behind me.
I turned around, not letting my face betray the excitement and nervousness exploding in my stomach. And mixed in with the torrent of emotions he caused inside me, desire reared its ugly head.
"Well, I wouldn't be drinking by myself if you would came down off your high horse and drank some shitty vodka with me." I said slammed a shot glass in front of him with a smirk. I was already five deep and my brain was blurry and slow with alcohol. All I knew for sure was that I badly wanted the guy standing front of me.
He lifted his eyebrows at me and a matching smirk appeared on his lips. He took the bottle of vodka I generously offered him and poured himself a shot.
"Aren't you going to do one too?" He asked.
"You've got some catching up to do," I said over Tidus and Wakka's yelling as they won another round of pong. Beer pong was fun but so was fooling around with a hot guy. Riku laughed and took his shot, chasing it with some beer from the bottle in his hand.
"At least take this next one with me," Riku implored me.
I gave in and took another shot with him, we both clinked shot glasses. "What are we going to cheer to?" I asked.
He looked confused.
"You can't just take a shot with another person and not make a toast! It's un-college!" I told him. "Old people don't know how to have fun. You leave college and all the fun in your body shrivels up!"
Riku reached forward and ruffled my hair. "All right kid, we'll cheer to you growing up and one day getting a job."
"That's a terrible thing to say!" I said with a gasp.
"So what you're just going to bum off your parents for the rest of your life?"
"No! I'm going to get a job one day but to make a toast to such a terrible thing is mean! How could you wish growing up on anyone?" I cried out.
"Fine, we'll do a toast to you losing your baby fat or something." He said, laughing. I snorted at this and just rolled my eyes. The only time people ever mentioned the word 'fat' in a sentence in conjunction with me, was as a joke.
We clicked glasses and downed the shots. I pulled the beer from his hand to drown out the taste of vodka from my mouth. Generally, the drunker I get, the easier it is for me to drink vodka. By this time I should be drunk enough to drink vodka like water but I felt like taking advantage of Riku.
I placed my lips on the bottle where his had been just a minute ago and took a sip. His eyes were on me; I could feel them burning holes in me. I just love being the center of attention.
He took the beer from me and finished it off, placing it on the counter next to him where there was already a collection of empty beer cans. "Come back to my house with me." Riku said, staring at me.
I laughed and bowed. "Lead the way," I replied.
On the way out, I told Tidus that I would be back soon—I was just going out for some air and he nodded without really hearing me. A rousing game of flip cup had just been started and it held almost of all of Tidus' attention. Riku led me down the street towards his house.
I put my arms above my head and threw my head back so I could gaze at the stars. One of my favorite things to do while drunk is to look at the stars. In my inebriated state, the vastness of the universe always seems to condense upon me when I look up at the stars.
Tonight, when I looked up at the stars, I marveled at the strange coincidences that can bring two people together. I'd heard about Leon's stepbrother for years and when I finally meet him we actually start hooking up? It's a strange and small world we live in.
"What are you smiling about?" Riku asked me, he used one hand to guide me around the corner, resting his arm at the small of my back.
"Just contemplating the mysteries of the universe. No big deal." I replied with a cheeky grin.
His responding grin was wolfish as he unlocked his front door and pressed a finger to his lips. Riku led me downstairs into his basement where there was a guest bedroom. He sat down on the bed and I crawled on after him, kicking my flip-flops off as I went. Arms wrapped around me and pulled me close and a hungry mouth descended upon my lips.
We fought for dominance over one another for a few minutes until I broke to come up for air.
"Take your shirt off," I demanded.
"Only if you take yours off too." Was the response.
I laughed and complied with his stipulation. Riku's chest was perfectly muscled and hairless. His skin was much lighter than mine but not light enough to make him look like he never got any sun. My flesh looked much darker compared to his and when I placed my hand on his stomach the contrast in color made me pause. He was light to my dark.
Gently, I ran my fingers over his chest, my nails catching on his nipples. He gasped and his hands gripped my upper arms like vices. He pulled me towards himself and I started drowning in the sensation of kissing him. Our chest rubbed together, causing the fire in my stomach to coil tightly and move further down.
His hands moved further down my stomach to rest on my hips. He used his change in position to grind my hips into his. I could myself straining against the fly of my jeans and when our hips were rolled together, I gasped. From that point on he seemed to be determined to elicit as much sound from me as he could.
Hands brushed against flesh, lips touched lips, and clothing came off with just a whisper of fabric. I grabbed him in my hand and started slowly pumping up and down. Riku sucked in air sharply between his teeth and flung his head back, arching his back. I giggled and started using my mouth.
Riku wrapped his hands in my hair and used it to guide my head up and down; I allowed him the control.
"Fuck..." He whispered.
I pulled my head back and grinned up at Riku's face. He was looking at me through heavy lidded eyes. I crawled up Riku's body and started kissing my way down his neck. My pants were off and Riku quickly rid me of my boxers.
He flipped me around so that he was on top and grabbed my legs, wrapping them around his hips. Gently he started touching me—he left no area unexplored and I reveled in the sensation of it all. It felt like there was a pool of fire in my stomach and that if I opened my mouth, the fire would spill out. I couldn't stop myself from calling out his name and moaning.
"Can I?" Riku asked, positioning himself between my legs, fingers probing.
"Yeah." I gasped out between pants.
He leaned forward and kissed my chest as he slowly started to push inside of me. The pain and the uncomfortable feeling of being stretched to the limit seemed to overwhelm me until Riku hit a spot inside me that filled me with pleasure. And just like that the fire was burning throughout my body.
With each thrust I could feel heat rising behind my eyes and in my throat. Every inch of me was screaming for release and I met Riku thrust for thrust. His hands groped around until he found what he was looking for and he started pumping me in conjunction with his thrusting.
Quickly, I found myself losing control and my orgasm climbed through me and a few minutes later Riku joined me.
We went through most of the summer that way.
We would sneak off and fuck and get back to the party before anybody realized we were missing. At least I didn't think anyone noticed. Except we gave ourselves too much credit and Cloud quickly put two and two together.
"You know he doesn't care for you, right?" Cloud asked me for the up-tenth time that day.
"Of course—what makes you think I care for him?" I asked, chewing on a tortilla chip covered in salsa.
"Because I know you Sora—this is very unlike you. Hooking up with some older guy just for sex? I never would have pegged you to be such a man whore." He said with a smirk, the light in the restaurant reflecting in his golden hair and making it appear to sparkle.
I dragged my eyes away from his hair to looking into his sky blue eyes. "I just like having fun," I said with a shrug.
"Well I guess—but don't you ever want to get married or fall in love or something?"
"Cloud, the last time I was in a relationship it blew up in my face. Why would I want to do that to myself again? Riku doesn't want anything to do with me romantically and that doesn't bother me in the least. I'd really rather not talk about me though. Let's talk about you."
That started Cloud on a half an hour rant about how Leon was such a tease. He was flirting with Cloud like his life depended on it but he was constantly bringing up some other guy. I'd heard this speech at least once a day for the last three weeks and could effectively tune it out without missing anything. I just nodded my head and grunted at the right intervals.
It gave me a chance to think some things over myself. Was I truly content in being Riku's fuck buddy? Or did I want more and just didn't want to admit it to myself? Why couldn't I understand my own feelings?
Why couldn't I be more like Cloud and have a crush?
Cloud—one of my best friends for years now. He's been in love with Leon since before we even became friends. Cloud's dedication to his crush on Leon is the stuff of legends.
The next time we partied Riku and I didn't really interact. I was avoiding him because some stupid bitch was all over him the whole night. I know when I'm not wanted so I avoided Riku—couldn't even tell you the color of his shirt. OK yes I could, it was white.
I poured a large amount of vodka in a cup with very little orange juice mixed in and went to sit outside on the stoop again. I shot off a few texts to my friends from college and entertained myself that way for a while.
"There you are." Cloud said from behind me.
"I figured I'd find you sulking around here when I saw that girl all over Riku." Cloud said, holding out a hand to me. "Don't sit here like a loser, come walk with me."
Reluctantly, I stood up, using the proffered hand. Maybe I was sulking. I hadn't felt this shitty since He dumped me. I felt like crying but the tears wouldn't come. I'd hooked up with other people this summer, boys and girls alike, so there was no reason to think that Riku wasn't doing the same. I guess I didn't expect to see it rubbed in my face though.
Cloud kept up a running commentary for most of the walk and we settled into a comfortable conversation. I steadily drained my cup until I wasn't so steady on my feet.
"Woah," Cloud said, catching me as I stumbled over my own feet. "Let's go sit down on this bench until you're feeling better." He guided me to a bench that wasn't too far away and was mainly hidden by a weeping willow tree.
I flopped down on the chair with little regard for my own well being. Cloud sat down next to me and suddenly I was aware of his leg pressing up against mine.
"Hey, are you OK?" Cloud asked, touching my cheek. "You got this weird look on your face..." Cloud trailed off as I swung a leg over him and settled myself in his lap.
"Cloudy, Cloud, Cloud. You need to forget about Leon. Find someone better. I'm tired of hearing you bitch about him not noticing you." I replied leaning in towards him.
"Uh Sora? Where did this all come from?" Cloud asked me, looking confused.
I wasn't quite sure what he was referring to so I changed the topic. "You know, I've been noticing you a lot lately."
"I notice when you touch me, even if it's just for a second."
"Sora, what are you doing?"
"I'm going to teach you to lighten up and little," I murmured against his lips as I kissed him softly.
"This is wrong—we should be doing this!" Cloud whispered frantically but I shushed him with another kiss. I ran my hands down him stomach, shifting my hips as I did so and rubbing against his erection.
With that it was like a dam burst. We were all over each other kissing like addicts starved for a fix. There was nothing pretty about it—it was quick and dirty but it felt so good.
Cloud kept saying how wrong all of this was even as he thrust into me. My head bobbed up and down on his dick and he bemoaned his fate if anyone found out about this-if Leon found out about this. I'm not quite sure when I became such a social pariah.
Cloud came inside me with a moan and he leaned down to kiss me again.
"That wasn't so bad was it?" I asked.
"No one can know." Was his response.
I spent the next two days locked up in my house avoiding anyone who wasn't my cat. I had wicked hangover the first day but to be honest, it was more like an emotional hangover. I wanted to cry but the tears wouldn't come.
I don't even know why I wanted to cry. Was it because I fuck one of my best friends the night before? Or was it because I'd been snubbed by the guy I may or may not like?
I couldn't decide, so I sat there in a stupor.
I didn't respond to any texts or any calls. I remained hidden in my house like a hermit. I couldn't face anyone least of all Cloud or Riku. I couldn't think of Leon without cringing.
All I could think was—what have I done?
Am I really that starved for attention that I need to fuck anything with legs? Am I really the whore Cloud has jokingly called me?
All I know is that I regret it so much. But I'm not sure what I regret. I want to fall asleep and never wake up. No—I want to fall asleep and find out that nothing in this summer happened. I want to be back in a relationship with somebody who loves me unconditionally.
I sighed and buried my face in my pillow. What had I become?
What will become of me?
Author's note – If any of this material upsets anyone I'm sorry but sometimes life is uncomfortable. This is based off something that recently happened to me and it is basically just my struggle with myself put down in words on paper. I would love to hear people's opinions or advice. I think I'm just hungry for someone to tell me that I'm not a bad person. Some of this work is fiction though, you are warned.