Disclaimer - Look, I don't own Haunted Mansion. If I did, it would have been done in a much better way and Nathaniel Parker as Edward Gracey would have gotten much more screen time.
A/N - Okay, let me explain this. The Haunted Mansion Movie fanfic community is tiny. I've encountered six fanfics aside from my own, and those six all have one thing in common: Elizabeth/ Sara is replaced by a OFC, whose sole function is to get into Edward's pants. When I said as much to my friend kkuri, her response was something along the lines of "A bunch of women running around his house, wearing his pants." and that single line spawned this parody. Thanks Jikki. :)
A/N 2 - The thong was Jik's idea. Seriously, it was.
A/N 3 - So was the parrot. XD
A/N 4 - Oh to hell with it. Since Jik gave me so many ideas for this damn thing, I'm just going to say she was co-author and be done with it. XD
Master Edward Gracey opened his eyes as he woke from his slumber. Well, if it could be called that, since he technically didn't sleep, but that's something he never bothered to think about.
Anyway, he hauled himself out of his comfortable bed and willed his day clothes into being. Since he was a ghost, he didn't have to actually dress himself, all he had to do was imagine how he wanted to appear, and volia! it happened. But on this day, a problem presented itself. He felt a draft on his lower regions and looked down at himself.
"Where are my pants?" He looked all over the room but didn't see them. He closed his eyes and concentrated really hard on making them appear, but his lower half stubbornly remained uncovered. It wouldn't do for the Master of Gracey Manor to walk around half naked. He'd never live it down, and Ramsley would give him the scolding of his afterlife for it.
A knock came at his bedroom door. "Master Gracey?" It was Ramsley. "Are you awake, sir?"
"Just a moment, Ramsley." Gods, where were his pants?
"Is everything alright, sir?"
"Everything is fine, Ramsley. I will be down shortly." If he could find his pants, that is.
"You do not sound well, Master Gracey. Are you certain that you are alright?"
"I am fine, Ramsley." He threw back the covers of the bed and didn't find them there. He then scrambled around the room, peeking under the furniture, and looking behind the curtains. Where in the hell were they?
He heard the door handle turn, followed by the click of the latch. "I'm coming in, Master Gracey."
Damn it! He closed his eyes and willed something into being to cover himself just as Ramsley came into view. The old butler stopped short, looked at him, and blinked his eyes a few times as if he couldn't believe what he was seeing.
"Is there a problem, Master Gracey?" he asked in that flat, emotionless tone of his that always creeped Edward out as a child..
"No, there is no problem, Ramsley."
Ramsley coughed politely and nodded at his master's lower half. "Your... clothing, sir."
Edward looked down at himself and let out a tiny "eep!" when he saw that not only was he wearing his shirt, tie, waistcoat, and jacket, but he was also wearing a lovely flower printed skirt. He slammed his eyes shut and tried to will something else into existence, and... was that a snicker he heard from Ramsley? That man never laughed or otherwise showed any humor. He warily cracked his eyes open and looked down to see that the skirt was gone, but in it's place were a pair of white boxers with little read hearts all over them. He closed his eyes a third time, and this time, the draft of his nether regions returned, and he heard a strangled croak from his butler. He really, really didn't want to know what he was wearing, but he forced himself to look anyway.
A bright, fluorescent pink THONG!
The Lord and Master of Gracey Manor was wearing a thong!
With a groan of frustration, Edward dove back onto his bed and burrowed under the blankets.
"Master Gracey, you must come downstairs." Ramsley said solemnly, though Edward swore he could still hear a bit of laughter in his voice.
"And how can I do that?" he asked from under his blankets.
Edward could almost hear Ramsley's eyes rolling, and a second later he felt something materialize, and he spared a glance to see that finally, he was wearing pants. They were more of Ramsley's style, but they would do for now. He just hoped that no one noticed that a high class gentleman such as himself was wearing a servant's clothing. He emerged from his protective blanket cocoon, stood up, and absently smoothed out his clothing.
"What is it, Ramsley?" he asked, once again the stately lord of the manor.
"You simply must come downstairs, sir. Then you will understand." Giving his head of household a long, wary look, Edward reluctantly stepped out of his bedroom into the corridor.
"I'm in Edward Gracey's pants!" A feminine squeal assaulted his ears once he was out of his room, and he looked in its direction to see a young lady running down the hall, wearing a pair of pants that obviously were not hers. A second later, another squeal echoed down the corridor.
"So am I!"
That was quickly followed by an entire chorus of female voices, and Edward ignored his dress in favor of seeing who had invaded his house. He ran down the hall and looked out over the balcony into the foyer, and he couldn't believe what he saw there.
Dozens of young women and girls were running around in the foyer below him, and every single one of them were wearing his pants!
"What is the meaning of this?" he demanded in an angry hiss. Ramsley, who was standing beside him, answered.
"They wished to get into your pants, sir."
"I can see that!" He looked at his butler. "Why?"
"It seems, sir, that 'getting in his or her pants" now means to have sexual relations with someone."
"So all of them want to..? With me?" He left the rest of the question unsaid.
Edward stared at the mass of females below him. To judge by the sounds he was hearing, they were all over the house; he could even hear loud discordant notes coming from his mother's pipe organ in the ballroom, which meant that not only was one of them on it, but they had no idea how to play.
"What are you doing in my house?" he demanded, and immediately, all sounds in the house ceased, including the noise from the ballroom, and all eyes turned to him. There was absolute silence for a moment, as he stared at the women and girls below, and they all stared at him, and then, as one, they all squealed and rushed at him. He barely had time to react, and he was vaguely aware of Ramsley making himself scarce, when he was mobbed.
"Oh Edward!" A voice squealed very close to his ear, and a sloppy kiss was planted on his cheek. "I'm so happy that you remember me! It's me, Selena. I'm you're one true love!"
He pushed the crazed girl off of him. "Who are you? You're not Elizabeth!"
He was then promptly pounced on by another girl. "Edward! It's me, Kalena! We can finally be together!" A pair of arms wound themselves around his neck, and he had a brief flashback to his hanging death before he yanked himself away.
"Get off of me!" he yelled, and he translocated himself to another part of the house without bothering to really think about where he wanted to go. Unfortunately for him, he appeared in the ballroom, which was packed wall to wall with women. To make things worse, the pants that Ramsley had been kind enough to lend him did not translocate with him.
The room went silent - even the jarring sounds from the pipe organ stopped - and Edward blushed to the roots of his hair (Was that even possible? he wondered.) as dozens upon dozens of female eyes turned to look at his um... equipment.
"Let's get him, girls!" the one that had been playing the organ shouted, and poor Edward again found himself mobbed before he could blink. Panicked at the thought of being molested - or worse - several times over, he closed his eyes and willed himself elsewhere.
He appeared in one of the smaller upstairs rooms, and though the room was mercifully empty of women, he was not alone.
"I don't think that's it's a good idea to put that on the listing though." said a male voice, and Edward jumped high enough to get a quick glimpse up the maid's skirt in the room above. She shrieked and whacked him one with her feather duster before he landed back on his feet., and he looked around to see the voice came from a tall black man in a suit that was preening himself in a mirror. Edward carefully backed away - no telling what he would do if he spotted him - as the man straightened his tie and said: "Your grandfather had really good taste in tchotchkes."
Edward continued backing away, but he bumped into a small table and upset the vase that was sitting on it. He reached out to right it, but that small noise was enough to catch the attention of the man in front of the mirror. He turned away from the mirror and held out his hand as he began walking toward Edward.
"Mr. Edward Murphy, sir," he said with a huge teeth showing grin "Pleased to make your acquaintance."
Edward backed away, thankfully that the other Edward paid no attention to his uncovered lower half. The other man kept talking, and Edward shook his head as he practically felt his brains melt out of his head. He backed away even further, and began to feel stupider with every step. He hadn't gotten through law school by being a moron (Though with what all he had heard about the modern world, he was sure that plenty of modern lawyers did just that.) and as the other Edward approached, still holding out his hand and still wearing that massive grin, he turned naked tail and ran, and he translocated before he even reached the door. He appeared in the library, where he ducked down behind his father's desk. He huddled under it for a moment before he warily peeked over it and looked around.
Edward turned around. "Ramsley?" He sighed in relief when the elder man nodded his head, and the pants that he had been lent reappeared. "What can I do about them? How do I get rid of them?"
"Edward!" A feminine chorus echoed in from the foyer, and before Edward could blink, he was mobbed again.
"It's me, Edward! Your one true love, Marianne! We'll never be apart again!" a voice shrieked in his ear, and he felt a pair of hands trying to remove his jacket. Another pair of hands tugged his shoes off, while a third pair began to tug at his pants. More hands began to tug at his clothes, while hundreds of voices shouted his name.
"It's me, Edward, the reincarnation of your parrot! Don't you remember me?" The room went absolutely silent then as everyone, including Edward, turned to stare at the girl that had spoken.
"Parrot?" Edward said, ignoring the hands that still had a firm grip on his clothing "I didn't have a parrot."
The girl blushed. "My mistake then. Carry on."
Edward blinked, and everyone turned back to him, and as one, they all started shrieking and pulling on his clothes again.
"Your unions are unsuitable!" The man's voice boomed through the room suddenly, and Edward turned his head to see Ramsley standing up at the other end of the room, dressed in some kind of purple and black robes, like a priest of some kind - which made Edward wonder for a brief moment when he had gone to seminary school - and he was glaring at the women and girls in the room. The hands abruptly released Edward, and he fell to the floor with a frump! and he hastily scrambled to his feet and began to back away towards the doors to the foyer. He had seen that look in Ramsley's eyes before, when he was a boy, and it always meant that someone was in serious trouble. The other people in the room were so busy staring at Ramsley that they didn't notice as he made his escape.
"But we want Edward." someone whined "We were meant to be with him." There was a general whiny chorus of agreement, and Edward paused at the door. He wanted to see them get their just desserts. What they get for coming into his house and harassing him!
Ramsley swept his gaze over those assembled in the room. "Well damn you. Damn you all to hell!" With that, the doors to the foyer slammed open, and ghostly forms flew into the room. They quickly grabbed a hold of the squealing girls and dragged them out of the room and out of the house, and soon, all was quiet again.
Edward shook himself and saw Ramsley once again standing at the other end of the room, now dressed in his normal clothing. He looked down at himself and saw to his relief that he was also dressed in his own clothes again, no more borrowed pants.
"I will go see when dinner will be ready, sir." Ramsley said solemnly, and he walked out of the room at Edward's nod. Once he was gone, Edward sat down at his desk, relieved that the house was once again empty of all empty occupants. He was especially glad that he didn't have to deal with Mr. Edward Murphy again.
Of course, he didn't know what was on its way to his house. See The Haunted Mansion for further details.