The Hyrulian Valhalla Saga
By Queenie Z

Got Milk?

The Heroes were never left wanting for food or drink in the world beyond; they merely had to check their pantries for whatever food or ingredients they ever needed. However, for Twilight, who was raised in the pastoral farming culture of Ordon, there was nothing more satisfying than delighting in the fruits of his own labor. Even now, he would often grow his own food, gather his own eggs, and milk his own goats - after all, he always knew that food tastes the best when you've farmed it yourself!

However, today's milking routine was slightly different; Duo had decided to tag along, his curiosity being piqued after listening to the elder Hero's stories of working on a goat farm. Of course, Twilight was more than willing to show him how the finest of Ordon's dairy products were cultivated, so he naturally agreed. After gathering everything they needed at the barn next to the horse stables, they headed to the pasture where the goats and cows grazed and got to work.

"There we go," said Twilight with a smile as he lovingly scratched the head of one of his goats, right underneath the large, circular horns marking it as a distinctly Ordonian breed. "Good girl!"

The goat bleated happily before dunking her head into the bucket of feed that had been laid before her. Then, Twilight took a seat on a step stool they'd brought from the barn and held his hand out to Duo.

"Hand me that wet rag, will you?" he asked, "I need to clean off her teats before I can milk her."

Duo blinked in confusion as he handed over the damp washcloth. "Her what?"

Twilight laughed. "You know, her teats! Where the milk comes out!" He reached underneath the goat, wiping down her udder and teats in a gentle massage. "This'll get rid of all that dirt and gunk - you don't want any of it falling into the bucket while you're milking!"

"Oooh." Duo watched as he continued his work, whistling a small tune as he cleaned the goat. Afterwards, he sat the rag down and reached over to grab the milk pail. He situated it underneath the goat, then used his free hand to give the animal a few affectionate pats.

"Okay," he said chipperly, "let's milk you!"

With that, Twilight took one of the goat's teats in each hand and gently squeezed. He directed the first squirts of milk onto the grass - "Gotta get the dirtier milk out first," he explained to Duo - then skillfully began squeezing the rest into the bucket.

The younger Link's mouth opened slightly in amazement. "You make it look so easy!" he said, leaning onto his knees to get a closer look. "And it doesn't hurt the goat at all?"

"'Course not!" said Twilight proudly, "As long as you don't tug the teats, she'll be happier than a - "

"Hey, look! Isn't that Time over there?"

Twilight stopped his milking and looked across the pasture. Indeed, Time was there, standing next to a Lon Lon cow with his ocarina in hand. After giving the cow a small pat, he brought the instruments to his lips, and the two could faintly hear the notes of Epona's Song as he played. Finally, to their shock and amazement, Time replaced the ocarina in his pouch and took out an empty bottle, then squatted down to collect the cow's milk in it! His fresh milk in hand, Time corked the empty bottle and walked off, leaving his successors completely baffled.

"...Twilight?" asked Duo, "What just... how did he...?"

Twilight look of shock quickly turned into a scowl. "Okay, now that just ain't right!" He stood, pointing towards Time and yelling at him. "Ya hear me, Time!? That ain't right! That's not how you're supposed to milk animals, ya big fat cheater!"

Time, however, did not seem to hear him. As his form disappeared over the horizon, Duo turned back to the elder Link and smiled sheepishly.

"Don't worry, Twilight!" he said, "I'm sure it's better when it's milked by hand... right...?"

Twilight simply scoffed and returned to his seat, grumbling to himself as he went back to work.