Disclaimer: Property of: Stephenie Meyer (the Twilight Series) and Rowan Atkinson, Richard Curtis, Ben Elton, John Lloyd, and BBC Television (the Blackadder series). No copyright infringement is intended and no profit is being made from this!
Warnings: Slight swearing and violence.
A/N: I just got my friend into the Blackadder series and thought I'd try and write a crossover fic where Blackadder and the cast meet the characters of Twilight. I'm not a fan of the Twilight series but I adore Blackadder and I hope those who read this enjoy it! :) I don't know how long this is going to be but I'll try and keep it about 5 chapters!
Summary: Edmund Blackadder was turned into a vampire and now spends his undead life as a guard for the Volturi. Problem is he hates working for his superiors just as his ancestors did for theirs. When Aro challenges him to a bet: kill the Cullens and we'll relinquish our power to you or fail and be killed, Blackadder forms a cunning plan with his filthy beyond belief dogsbody, Baldrick, to wipe out the vegetarian family and become the top vamp!
Blackadder's Chambers in Volterra
Edmund Blackadder grimaced with annoyance. Yet again it seemed that Caius was ranting about the Cullen family and those mutant dogs they associated with. Ever since the fiasco that was their plan to go and exterminate the Olympic coven had failed, Aro and Caius had been in horrible moods and swearing vengeance upon the vegetarian vampires. There wasn't an hour that went by that those two onion-skinned wankers didn't erupt into an argument about how badly the whole ordeal was handled.
"Edmund, Aro requests your presence!"
Jane suddenly appeared before him wearing an angelic smile, one that would surely melt even the coldest of human hearts out there. It didn't work one bit on Blackadder who knew what a sadistic little brat she was and how any 'pleasantries' she exchanged with him were as fake as those humongous balloons Katie Price called breasts.
Still, he had to be at least respectful to the little puke lest he wanted to be subjected to a pain so excruciating it made getting a red hot poker stabbed up your backside seem like a jolly fun day out in the park!
"I wonder what the master wants to discuss with me…" Edmund muttered to himself as he tried to think of a possible reason.
Ever since his turning, Blackadder had been regarded as something of a huge disappointment to Aro. The potential he'd sensed in him as a human just wasn't showing itself now that he was a vampire and, because of this, he'd had to put up with Caius's boasting about how his judgment seemed to be slipping ever since. Edmund's situation was made even worse by the fact that he didn't really have any other defining abilities to set himself apart from the rest of the guards. Well… unless you count scathing sarcasm that only a Brit could do…
No one in the Volturi agreed with this opinion though, so it seemed that Edmund Blackadder was truly and royally up shit creak without a paddle when it came to status and respect amongst his fellow guards.
Bloody bunch of bastards…
Blackadder and Jane came to a stop just as they were about to leave his chamber. Jane was looking at him with an expression that clearly meant that she was waiting for him to do or say something. Edmund wasn't skilled in the art of guessing what a psychotic she-bitch was thinking, so both just continued to stand staring at each other, getting more and more miffed. To a human, only seconds had passed but, to a vampire, it felt like it was taking up to ten minutes!
The staring game finally came to an end when Jane lost her patience, an outcome that was set from the very beginning. Even by vampire standards, Blackadder had what seemed to be an unlimited amount of patience, something that his ancestors hadn't been lacking of as well. Apparently it came from having to deal with a ridiculous amount of rubbish all in one go. Like, for example, Baldrick's pitiful attempts at poetry as a way to inspire Edmund's former pupils.
Want an example of how bad it was?
There once was a sausage with no name.
And then, along a turnip came.
It said "have no fear!
I've got a name for you here!
You can have Baldrick as your name!"
After that, every 'sonnet' his students handed in were nothing but filthy limericks about all the various things the human body can do.
So, where was I? Oh, right! Jane vs Blackadder!
"It is common courtesy, you moronic waste of immortality, to allow the woman to leave first!" OH! So that's what she was waiting for! Well, Edmund might have let it pass but thanks to the little missy's comment right now…
"My apologies, miss" Blackadder said in his most respectful of voices, as he stepped out of the way for Jane to pass. "Please, ladies first."
Jane, looking incredibly smug, was just almost out the door when Blackadder, with a quickness too fast for the human eye to even register, rushed forward and shoved Jane out of the way, leaving the chamber before her. He turned back to her with a cruel smirk. "But you're not a lady, are you Jane? By all means, please correct me if your small height, helium sounding voice and undeveloped chest say otherwise!"
Jane, with a look of utter fury, shrieked out an indignant cry. She probably would have used her power to torture him if not for the fact that Edmund turned and sped off towards their master's throne room at that moment. Call it cowardly if you want, but Blackadder was just too prideful to allow himself, a man in his early thirties, to be humiliated and made a thirteen year old vampiric girls bitch!
Volturi's Throne Room
Aro beamed as Blackadder made his way into the bright, cavernous room, rising from his chair gracefully. "Ah, Edmund! Dear one! We were starting to get worried that you'd never come! Did you have some trouble getting here?"
"Not in the least, my master. Rather it was Jane who had some trouble finding me. She is a preteen girl after all and, though we vampires are supposed to have a photographic memory, maybe the strength of said memory depends on the age of turning, don't you agree?"
A look of interest crossed Aro's face and he nodded his head in approval at Blackadder. "You've made quite the fascinating point there, Edmund! I'll be sure to look into it and see if your theory has any basis! After all, our kind still knows very little about vampirism so there could be many things that have gone by us for centuries unnoticed! Like how a male vampire can impregnate a female human to give birth to a hybrid creature! It's simply astounding! I wonder why it never occurred to me to find out if something as unbelievable as that was actually possible!"
"Please, master, you must remember that these past centuries have being awfully busy for you. Ordering others to do your work while you just sit back and let your body petrify is, I'm sure, far harder than it looks. Why, the recent outing to go and annihilate the Cullen clan surely took so much out of your busy schedule! All those hours you could have been sitting down were wasted away for nothing! It's simply criminal! And, my master, I promise you now, if any of the other guards dares to say a word against you, I will personally strike them down and tell them to go and do something productive with their immortality just like their masters!" Blackadder said this with the utmost respect and even gave a curt bow (but this was only to hide his smirk).
"Edmund, dear one, I do not deserve such kindness from you." Aro smiled back.
Blackadder was really pushing it but he just couldn't resist. He thrived on insulting his fellow man with thinly veiled snide comments! And for every one that got under the radar because the person he said it to was too thick to realise it, Blackadder considered it his own personal victory. And he had a lot of material in his head to throw around since Aro, Marcus and Caius weren't exactly what Blackadder would deem intelligent…
First there was was Marcus, the perpetually depressed catatonic! Apparently he'd being in this state ever since his girlfriend died, something which Edmund found pretty pathetic. His girlfriend, Kate, had run off with his best friend for Pete's sake and he didn't fall to pieces about it! Baldrick may have gotten punched a lot in the aftermath, but as ifthat was a bad thing! Edmund would love to have a witty comment on hand about the bloodsucking vegetable that was his master, but he didn't because Marcus just didn't do anything period! Blackadder couldn't help but feel bad for the human lives that had to be snuffed out just so the miserable lump could continue to exist!
And then there was Aro. When Blackadder, after his transformation, had first set his eyes on him, he hadn't been impressed one bit. Aro, to him, acted like he'd eaten a human who was high at the time and had never managed to quite get over the effects. The only reason the prat had any form of power was because he surrounded himself with those who were far stronger or better than him! And his ways of dealing with the laws of the vampire world were simply mind boggling at times. Last time Blackadder checked, a ruler actually ruled and didn't instead just sit on his translucent arse all the bloody time and think of what vampire he could collect next like some obsessive fan looking for an item of clothing from their favourite celebrity on eBay, just on the off chance that their smell might still be on it!
Sure Blackadder would admit that he was a little hurt after hearing the guard's gossip about how they'd overheard Aro say that he regretted ever having him turned because of his lack of special powers, but his opinion now had nothing to do with that!
And then, finally, there was Caius. He had to be the one who Blackadder hated the most and the feeling in return was certainly mutual. The man was turned in his 40's but Edmund would have thought he was in his 60's with the way he looked and acted. Caius seemed to just be stuck permanently on 'miserable old bastard with a stick up his arse' mode and seemed to only ever get a rise out of killing others or any violent outcome for that matter. Ever since Blackadder had joined the Volturi guard, Caius had went out of his way to bait him into slipping up so he'd have an excuse to have him ripped to pieces, burned and killed faster than Henry Viii formed the Church of England to divorce his first wife, Catherine of Aragon.
Speaking of Caius…
"Any luck with your nonexistent special ability, Edwin? It has been over a year already and Jane tells me that you stillhaven't shown any signs of having any kind of trait or ability that would be of use to our coven. If this continues we might have to replace you with a better guard instead." Caius smiled nastily at Blackadder and lounged back in his chair, as if daring Edmund to say something he'd regret.
Unfortunately for Blackadder, though totally unintentional, he did just that.
"My master, it truly wounds me how a vampire such as yourself is so quick to condemn me, your loyal guard, when I've tried so hard to be of use to the Volturi clan. Especially taking into considering how you yourself have no special abilities or unique talents that immediately come to mind. Also, and I mean this with the kindest of intent, but my name is Edmund. For a vampire who's supposed to have a photographic memory, you do seem to forget my name quite a lot. Master, maybe you too should look into whether memory is affected by age, lest I fear you could be as bad as Master Marcus in a couple of centuries." Blackadder heard the gasps that littered the small room and put it down to the more intelligent vampires present hearing his insult.
Well… That's what Edmund would LIKE to think. In actuality, everyonepresent realised that he was insulting Caius. Alec, Renata, Chelsea, Aro, Felix etc. All of them! Which is probably why he was so surprised when this happened next:
"INSOLENCE!" Roared a livid Caius as he stood from his throne and took out a lighter from his pocket. "NEVER HAVE I HEARD SUCH RUDENESS FROM A GUARD BEFORE! SEIZE HIM AT ONCE! JANE, MAKE HIM SUFFER BEFORE HE'S TORN LIMB FROM LIMB!"
Blackadder took a step back and tried to think of how far he'd get if he were to leg it out of the door when the strong arms of Felix came down upon him and held him in place. He tried to will the hulking behemoth to have mercy and let him go, but the dumb bastard just winked at him as if to say, 'not a chance." Jane was already preparing herself and looking as happy as a thirsty alcoholic who's just woken up to find themselves at an all you can drink wine festival! Edmund was really starting to regret his petty nature…
Jane approached him and Edmund felt a sensation deep within him. It went away just as quickly as it came, but what did it matter anyway? It was probably the same horrible feeling that any living being felt when they realised they were about to die before their time and could only think, "Bugger it all." There were still so many things that he hadn't gotten a chance to do yet, vampire or not.
Like travel the world and see the sights and attractions it had to offer. He still wanted to learn the cultures of the many countries out there and boast about the many women he'd rogered within an inch of their life. And, if it wasn't too out there, he'd always had hopes that he might one day come to live on a tiny island somewhere and be hailed as a God by the inhabitants.
But not anymore. Now it seemed that his luck was about to well and truly hit the shitter… Until…!
"There might be a way you can redeem yourself for the lack of respect you just displayed towards Caius, Edmund." Aro, who had been standing to the side and watching the scene unfold regrettably, had finally spoken up just as the execution was about to go underway.
"Aro!" snarled Caius, furious that Blackadder was actually getting a second chance. "There are no second chances for insubordination!"
"Caius, my brother, peace." Soothed Aro, before signalling Felix and the other guards to unhand Blackadder. "Since the Cullens embarrassed our noble coven, I've been filled with a burning need for restitution. They flouted the laws in our faces and think they can just walk away and live peacefully? Never! So, dear Edmund, if you want to be forgiven for your actions today, here is my request: Kill the Cullen coven!"
A gasp broke out amongst the guards and with good reason. The Cullens, especially their newest edition Bella, were now regarded as this invincible force that had luck on their side. Every adversary that had come their way had perished and, in the Volturi's case, they'd walked away scot-free after bringing a mutant creature into the world without a care for the possible consequences of their actions.
Even with the olive branch Aro had extended to him, Blackadder still didn't like his odds of surviving… No, if he was going to take on the Cullen family, he was going to need more incentive.
"Master, if I may be so bold, I'd like to suggest a compromise." Another gasp and Caius bristles with outrage.
"How dare you even think of bargaining with us! You are in no such position!" He quickly shut up though when Aro raised his hand for silence and beckoned Blackadder to continue.
"Although I am grateful for how merciful you're being to me, master, I have but a couple more suggestions I'd like offer." When Aro nodded his head for him to continue Edmund continued. "As well as killing the Cullen clan, I offer to wipe out the shape shifters as well. If I manage to do this successfully, my request is that I join the Volturi as a leader."
"MADNESS! SUCH NONSENSE!" Caius is again beside himself as another gasp runs through the guard and they begin to rabble and talk. "There can only be three Volturi leaders! To become a leader yourself, you'd have to replace one of us!" Aro stands by silent, a stony but thoughtful expression upon his face. He, for brief second, exchanges a look with Caius which silences the latter immediantly.
"Well, if that'd be the case, master, than with the utmost respect I request that if I succeed in this mission, I replace Marcus as a Volturi leader. I mean, let's be honest, It's not like he's doing anything and all everyone does is ignore him anyway, even when he bothers to show that he's still got a sentient brain somewhere in that marble body of his." Blackadder's getting a little more confident now that it seems that Aro is actually considering his deal. As long as he had Aro on his side then he knows he's safe, regardless of Caius's opinions on the matter.
"If you succeed Blackadder, I will offer you Marcus's place as Volturi leader. But, and only but, on these requirements! You kill all the Cullens and shape shifters except for their hybrid daughter and that pup that is so attached to her. Bring them both back here to Volterra with you so Caius and I can research them thoroughly." With this, Aro sat back and resumed his usual, cheerful mood as if nothing unpleasant had ever happened in the first place.
"You will never succeed!" Spat Caius, a nasty smile upon his face. "It is a suicide mission that you will surely fail! And if you so happen to live and escape, then don't even think of running away because Demetri will track you down and bring you back to us. And, rest assured Edmund Blackadder, when that happens, then I can promise you that your departure from this Earth will be a slow and painful one! Now go before I change my mind and have you killed now!"
Blackadder, marvelling at how fate had seemed to turn so drastically into his favour, gave a quick bow and made his way to leave. Aro, ever the one for theatrics, called out in a grand voice, "My dear ones, bid our fellow member Blackadder farewell as he embarks on his mission to redeem his honour in our eyes! Arrivederci, Edmund, and you have my sincere wishes that we shall see you again soon and hear of your success!"
Reception Area in Volterra
Blackadder reached the reception area in no time and, with the rest of the guards out of his sight and hearing, began to fume.
"Honestly! The three Volturi leaders! More like the three leaders of sod all! About a dozen guards and vampires at their disposal with powers that could easily wipe out anyone they wished dead and they can't even get rid of a vampire coven of ten and their pet dog! No, rather than just kill them whenever the opportunity arises, Aro decides to have a bloody debate instead and let's them live because he wants to 'collect them'. Bloody fantastic! No wonder the image of vampires has gone so downhill this century if complete idiots like Aro and the Cullens are examples for the rest of us to go by!"
Blackadder was just about to leave when a quiet, sneaky voice behind him spoke up after his little outburst. "I'm going to tell Aro you said that!"
Oh joy… As if his day couldn't get any better! Now he had the new receptionist to deal with!
"Darling, do you really mean that? What about all the good times we've shared?" Edmund muttered sarcastically as he turned around to face the human he'd being at odds with since the two had met!
Sitting at the desk and looking rather uncomfortable was a man who looked very prim and proper. Everything from his haircut to the very clothes he wore was spotless and perfect. He glared at Blackadder after those words, his eye twitching at the mention of his surname, a consequence of the many, MANY jeers and comments he had to endure from other classmates while at school.
Yes. The new receptionist is a man and his surname really is Darling! Kevin Darling to be exact. And, right now, he has a bone to pick with Edmund Blackadder!
Take heed, if you want to live well,
It's best you don't insult your bosses.
Blackadder's on the path to hell.
He'll soon be counting all his losses.
He's surely going to lose!
No way can he refuse!
That evil, monstrous man!
He'll need a cunning plan!
A/N: If anyone has any suggestions please don't hesitate to tell me! Thank you for taking the time to read this and I looking forward to reading any reviews this receives!