A/N: Here's where things get weird...
"Okay, so uh…" Alfred began as Ivan dropped him off at Kiku's apartment (in a very impressive Mercedes-Benz for someone who runs a flower shop), "Can this not be a onetime thing? For one, I didn't even get laid…" When Ivan glared at him, he winced as he heard a dog somewhere give up the ghost. "It was a joke!"
"What did you have in mind?" Ivan asked, adjusting his scarf. Alfred hummed, counting off with his fingers as he thought of possibilities…
"Oh!" He snapped his fingers, "There's this battle of the bands thing on Wednesday night. You should totally stop by!"
"You are in a band?" Ivan asked, his voice laced with skepticism. Alfred nodded,
"Yeah! We're horrible; please come!" The Russian looked at the clock on the dashboard of the car before he sighed,
"Sure, why not." Then he started to drive off, snowflakes drifting into the air in its wake.
"Wait!" Alfred shouted, "Can't I at least get your number?" The car screeched as Ivan backed it up, snow flying all over. Ivan lowered the window and handed Alfred a business card with his name, number… and seven x's on it. "Wow," Alfred sighed, "Hot guy number…" Ivan drove off again, Alfred snapping out of his daze to call out, "Remember! It's Wednesday at the Blitzkrieg Alehouse!"
When Ivan's car turned a corner, Alfred sighed a happy sigh and walked into the studio-apartment. Immediately,
"Close the damn door, its freezing!" Alfred rolled his eyes as he saw Kiku laying underneath a kotatsu table with a cup of hot cocoa.
"Come on Kiku, I just got home and you're yelling at me?"
"Hai," Kiku took a sip of his drink, "Your mother and I have been worried sick. Oh yeah, and you have a letter or something at the door."
Alfred looked down and picked up the envelope that was all white except for the emblem of a black eagle on it. "I wonder who it's from… Also, I don't know if I told you about this guy Ivan, but he is amazing and… yeah…"
"Did you sleep with him?" Kiku asked, picking up a magazine.
"Well, yeah…" Alfred tried to answer through the blush that was growing on his face, "In his bed…"
"You should break up with your fake freshman girlfriend Alfred-san." Kiku frowned, Alfred insisting,
"I didn't have sex with him Kiku!"
"You should break up with your fake freshman girlfriend Alfred-san." Kiku sighed, Alfred sitting down,
"Yeah, I know." He opened the letter, reading through the first few lines as Kiku asked,
"Who is it from?"
"'Dear Mr. Jones, my name is Gilbert Beilschmidt and I'm…" Alfred hummed his way through the rest of the letter, "'Received no reply to my e-mail, consider this fair warning… blah, blah, blah… fight schedule…."
"The usual?" Kiku huffed, Alfred nodding as he balled up the letter and tossed it into the trash.
"Oh yeah," Alfred sighed as he laid down, "Merlin's Aphrodisiac has a show at the Blitzkrieg Alehouse. You should come." Kiku finished off his drink before he replied,
"I'll come if you break up with Marjane. That poor, misguided, Middle-Eastern sweetheart."
"Fuck you!" Alfred groaned, slamming a pillow over his face. Kiku smirked,
"We tried that once, it didn't work out."
The Blitzkrieg Alehouse was full to bursting with people who enjoyed good music, German food, and the finest liquor. Ivan frowned as he soon realized that he was the oldest person in the room. But soon he heard a joyful call of "You actually came!"
"Well, da." Ivan nodded, walking over to Alfred's joyful stature, "I did agree to after all."
"Wow…" Alfred sighed, in a bit of a daze. For five minutes. Until someone cleared their throat.
"Ahem," Francis began, "Please excuse him: his father dropped him on his head one too many times when he was a toddler. I'm Francis," He held a hand out to where Matthew was standing, "This is Alfred's brother Matthew…" Matthew rolled his eyes before taking the hand of the auburn-haired Monacan girl next to him,
"This is my date Marie."
"H-hello." She greeted, adjusting her glasses. Immediately Kiku perked up, the girl's shy demeanor setting off his 'moe-detector' big time.
"Hello," Kiku gently took Marie's hand away from Matthew, "My name is Kiku Honda and I'm-"
"Alfred's girl-crazy, perverted roommate." Matthew frowned. But Kiku shook off the insult, opting for getting to know the girl better. "Oh," Matthew smirked, "And this is Marjane!"
"Alfred!" Marjane beamed as she rushed down the stairs and jumped into Alfred's arms: planting a kiss on his lips complete with small, glowing pink hearts. She was accompanied by a friend that she had dragged here from study group, but she lowered herself back to the ground: showing off her clothes and new, straightened hairstyle, "Do you like? I wanted to look good for the show!"
"Um…" Alfred gulped, "It's, uh…" At that moment, Ivan glared at Marjane, thinking,
'This girl must be new to concept of personal space…' Marjane glared at Ivan, thinking,
'Isn't he a bit old to be hanging out with us..?' Matthew glared at Alfred, thinking,
'Oh, you're in for it now…' And Kiku leered at Marie, musing,
'I wonder how far she's willing to go on a first date..?'
But pretty soon, all attention was on Alfred again: the blonde gulping as he looked around. "I…" He licked his suddenly dry lips, "I have to go!" Then he proceeded to run off towards backstage: flailing his arms like Kermit the Frog.
When he was gone, the bar-owner: one Ludwig Beilschmidt, walked up on-stage and announced, "The first band of the night is from Brooklyn und they are called 'Naomi and The Boys'…"
Backstage, Arthur was flipping through a clipboard that had pictures and diagrams of the members of Naomi's band. But the Brit was growing more and more frantic with every page, "Oh God…" He panted, "This is a nightmare!"
Alfred slammed the door behind him, Arthur asking before he pulled at his hair, "Is this a nightmare? Wake up, wake up, wake up!"
"Calm down," Yong Soo sighed as he sat down next to Miguel, the Mexican cleaning his saxophone that he hardly ever got to play, "Once we get on stage we'll be fine."
"We were just onstage for sound check and the sound check guy hated us!" Arthur groaned, Alfred snapping,
"It's just nerves, DAMN IT! We're going to go out there and people will LOVE US!" While Arthur continued to bemoan his fate, Alfred peeked his head through the curtains so he could watch what was going on with his friends…
"Marie-chan," Kiku handed the girl a drink which she happily took. "Does this band rock or suck?" He smirked, Marie blinking,
"I… don't think that they've started playing yet." Kiku blinked at the response before stating,
"That was a test, Marie-chan, and you passed." He took a sip of beer, letting his hand cover Marie's. However, the action didn't go unnoticed by Matthew.
"What time did you start drinking today, Kiku? Noon?"
"Oh Matthew," Kiku chuckled, "You are so funny. Isn't he funny Marie-chan?"
"Good evening…" The Goth-girl on stage addressed everyone in the bar, "My name is Naomi… And these are the Boys."
"Is that Korean girl a boy too?" Kiku called down, referring to the drummer who flipped him off in response. Backstage, Han Soo growled, rage filling his core,
"They have… a Korean drummer?"
"Yes…" Naomi gritted out towards Kiku before announcing, "This song is called 'I Am So Sad. I Am So Very, Very Sad.' And it goes a little something like this." The drummer counted them off before they all screamed,
The music stopped, Naomi stating, "Thank you."
"It can't be…" Matthew frowned, "That song was only…"
"0.4 seconds long?" Marjane calculated. The bar was silent, Naomi bowing,
"You're all too kind."
"Damn, these blokes are good…" Arthur bit his lip behind the curtain. But outside…
"It isn't a race!" Kiku called down, Naomi frowning,
"Okay, this next song is dedicated to the asshole who keeps yelling at us from the balcony!" Kiku blinked, pointing at himself. "Yeah," Naomi nodded, "It's called 'We Hate You, Please Die'."
"Nice," Kiku moved his chair closer to Marie, "I love this one!" The drummer counted them off before the band moved into a heavy metal/thrash number.
"This rhythm is so…" Marjane frowned, ignoring her friend who was covering her ears from the noise, "Wrong…"
That song soon ended, Naomi panting, "The final song of the night is titled 'Last Song Kills the Audience'. Hope you enjoy it!"
"They're kidding right?" Yong Soo asked as the sound-waves from the stage carried backstage. Arthur shook his head,
"No, I've heard about this though: it knocks the audience out for twenty or thirty minutes." The music grew in intensity, talking to one another being proven impossible. Arthur stood, pulling at his hair as he groaned: his words being made visible,
'How are we supposed to compete with this? There's no way! I can't even hear myself think! We're going to lose! We're not going to sign with M-Candy, we're not going to play the Chaotix Theatre, and – GOD DAMN IT ALFRED, WOULD YOU STOP STANDING THERE LIKE A FREAKING WEEPING ANGEL ( 1 ), YOU'RE FREAKING ME OUT!'
But Alfred only stood there, eyes still trained in on where Francis and Ivan had just gone to the bathroom…
"So, how is it you know the petit lapin?" Francis asked as the two men made use of the urinals since the stalls were full.
"He's…" Ivan hummed, "A friend."
"I see…" Francis nodded, sneaking a few good peeks at Ivan's goods. They finished up, washing their hands, Francis still talking, "It's just… so hard for me to keep up since he has so many friends." They walked out of the bathroom, Francis yelping,
"What ze hell?" As he saw half of the audience rendered unconscious.
Choosing to not ask questions, they walked back to their seats, Matthew taking the opportunity to ask Marjane, "Marjane… You never told me, how did you meet my brother?" Marjane's face lit up as she began,
'Oh no, no, no, no, no!' Alfred mentally screamed as he saw Marjane about to spill everything in front of Ivan, 'This is a nightmare!'
He abruptly turned and slapped Arthur across the face, shouting, "We need to play now and loud! Loud enough for a college freshman to forget what they're about to say!" Arthur could only nod,
"I was on the bus with my grandma and…" Marjane trailed off as her eyes moved towards the stage. Ivan raised an eyebrow,
"Please do not be telling me that that is the whole story."
"They're on!" Marjane shouted, jumping up on her heels as Alfred and the others got on stage. Ludwig read off another cue-card,
"This next band is from New York so… Ja. Please welcome Merlin's Aphrodisiac."
"I LOVE YOU MERLIN'S APHRODISIAC! WHOO!" Marjane screamed her heart out, Alfred sighing as he took the mic,
"Arthur, you ready?" The Brit nodded, Yong Soo shouting,
"WE ARE MERLIN'S APHRODISIAC! HANA! DOOL! SET! NET!" The music started, Miguel creating a calm atmosphere with the saxophone that was accompanied by Arthur's guitar. Even Yong Soo's drumming was calmer as they performed the song's intro. Then Alfred sang,
'Hey there Fluttershy,
Why do you cry?
Is Rainbow Dashie teasing you again?
Don't worry dear
You don't have to fear,
You have no faults at all (believe me)…'
The audience was slowly rousing from their unconscious state… Marjane doing the exact opposite and passing out in a faint. Alfred… didn't seem to notice.
'Your coat of cream,
Your pastel eyes,
My dear, you're a true envisionment of dreams…
So go on, fly,
Across the sky,
Before you break my heart—' ( 2 )
Suddenly, the roof cracked open: a figure flying in on the back of a giant, golden eagle. "Alfred F. Jones!" He was clad in old, red, blue, and white clothing that looked better suited on some ancient battlefield of the past: fancy hat included. His short, white hair was messy and his crimson eyes glared at Alfred as he jumped down from his ride, "It is I: The Awesome Gilbert Beilschmidt!"
"Shit!" Ivan bit his lip, looking for any available exits.
"And I allow you to meet," Gilbert smirked as he unsheathed a shining sword, "My Mighty Dick-Stick!"
"Do I have to?" Alfred winced, the albino continuing,
"Consider our fight… Begun!" Gilbert jumped into the air, sword ready to strike when he landed. But Alfred only stood there, dumbfounded,
"What did I do?" Gilbert still flew towards him. "What do I do?" Gilbert was just about to strike when Kiku ripped off his clothing, revealing a robe that an old martial-arts master would wear. He then yelled,
Alfred nodded, the Japanese male's command echoing in his ear. He tossed the mic away, getting into a fighting stance. The words: Alfred F. Jones vs. Gilbert Beilschmidt shined in the air above the bar for a second before Gilbert landed his attack.
But Alfred caught the sword before it hit anything vital, then he landed a firm right hook into the albino's jaw with a firm resounding crack. "Reversal!" Alfred smirked.
Ivan watched the scene with wide eyes, as did Francis and Arthur. Gilbert landed with a grunt, quickly standing up and wiping the blood from his busted lip, "Alright then…" He smiled, "And here I thought this would be easy…"
"Alfred-san!" Alfred turned towards Kiku, the black-haired male talking like the old sensei in one of those badly dubbed martial-arts movies (his lips even moved past when his sentences ended), "Watch out! It is that one guy!"
"Oh, geez!" Alfred replied full of sarcasm, his speech pattern mocking his friend's, "Thanks Kiku!" ( 3 )
"Die!" Gilbert yelled, charging forth with his sword. Alfred frowned, kicking the other square in the chest: sending him flying. Alfred jumped up, following the albino just to punch him across the face.
"He's going for the air juggle!" Miguel whistled, Yong Soo shaking his head,
"This guy is such toast, da ze! Doesn't he know that Alfred has been trained by some of the best fighters in the state?" Meanwhile, Alfred had landed up to 45 punches on Gilbert and the count was still rising…
"64-hit combo!" Everyone cheered when Alfred slugged Gilbert so hard that he made a crater when he hit the stage. Those who were still conscious moved to a safe distance, but watched on nonetheless. Alfred landed, holding up his fists as Gilbert got up: smirking despite his bleeding teeth.
"Well, you are just as good as they say Jonesie…"
"Who the hell are you anyway?" Alfred asked.
"My name," The albino stated for one and all to hear, "Is Gilbert Beilschmidt! And I am Ivan Braginski's First Evil Ex!"
"His what?" Alfred asked, everyone looking to Ivan who gave a nervous chuckle,
"I could use another drink. Who else wants another drink?"
Gilbert took the opportunity to knock the blonde to the ground, punching at his stomach. But Alfred quickly rolled over, kicking the albino just to have the blow blocked. Gilbert slashed at the other with his sword, managing to knick his cheek before Alfred shoved him away.
"Wait, wait!" Alfred called time-out, "We're fighting over Ivan?"
"..Ja..?" Gilbert cocked his head to the side, "Didn't you get my e-mail? Und the letter explaining the situation?"
Alfred thought for a second before he replied, "I… skimmed through them?"
"The fuck?" Gilbert sputtered, "I worked hard on those!"
"Ahem." Ludwig cleared his throat from the counter.
"I mean," Gilbert corrected himself, "Mein bruder worked hard on those! Und I delivered that letter personally through a verdamnten blizzard! I literally had blue balls!"
"Ha!" Han Soo laughed. But Gilbert only screamed,
"You shall pay for your insolence!" Before charging towards Alfred with all the speed and power of an eagle. Alfred gritted his teeth as he struggled to block the feverish blows to his body. But soon, Gilbert laughed as he kicked at the blonde's stomach: taking the distraction to punch Alfred's face… twice, causing quite the bloody nose.
Before he could fight back, Gilbert flew back to a safe distance: taunting from afar.
"Hey…" Francis asked from the balcony, "What is with his clothes?"
"Yeah…" Marie asked, "Is he a pirate?" This was a very good question, Alfred thought as he asked,
"Are you a pirate?"
"Pirates are so 2007!" Gilbert screamed, charging at Alfred again. Blow after blow were exchanged until both males grabbed each other's arms. Alfred looked up at the balcony and asked,
"Did you really go out with this guy?" The spotlight, literally, shined on Ivan as he stood and answered,
"Yes. But in grade-school!" When all was quiet, he explained, "It was February: the month of love and all sorts of intolerable sap. For some reason, everyone wanted to be my valentine. Gilbert was the only one in the entire school who challenged my authority and… I liked it. One day, we went on a wonderful rampage throughout the building. My brute strength and his Awesome powers made it all too easy." Ivan sighed as he looked down at the albino, "We only kissed once. And we broke up after a week."
After story-time, Gilbert shoved Alfred away: shouting up to the balcony, "You'll pay for this Braginski!" Somewhere in the background, a wicked guitar riff sounded: Gilbert singing,
'If you want to fight me…
Boy, you aren't the brightest!'
"Singing?" Matthew frowned, "Really?" But Alfred smiled as he sang back,
'You won't know what hit you
In the slightest~!' He then commented, "Nice harmony!"
"I know, right?" Gilbert smiled before putting his game-face back on. He flew into the air: a flock of small canaries flying in through the window to surround him.
"This guy's good…" Arthur commented before Gilbert continued,
'My mystic powers..!
My Awesome Battle-Chicks!'
"Piyo-piyo (Tell them Gilbert)! The birds chirped as their master sang out,
'Don't have to look too long,
'cause I know I'm slick…' Suddenly, the albino's frame was surrounded by lightning: bolts of it shooting out and random points. Alfred rushed to jump out of harm's way: managing to hide behind an over-turned table.
Naomi and the Boys… Not so lucky. They were quickly burnt to a crisp. When the lightning stopped for a second, Alfred jumped up on stage and grabbed one of the cymbals off of the floor.
'We're going to show you
What it's all about…!'
"Hey, wait a second!" Arthur intervened, humming the last few lines before he stated, "That doesn't even rhyme!"
"It doesn't have to!" Gilbert cackled, "I'm awesome!" While the two bickered, Alfred flung the cymbal: the golden disc smacking into the albino's head and ruining his focus.
'This is impossible!' He panicked internally, 'How can this be?'
"Open your eyes," Alfred murmured, "Maybe then you'll see." The blonde quickly jumped up, pulling back his arm and then socking Gilbert across the jaw: the albino groaning in pain as he collapsed to the floor.
"K.O.!" Kiku announced as Gilbert hit the floor. But when he did, an odd sort of business card flew out of his suit. It spun in the air for a moment before exploding into some loose change.
"Sweet!" Alfred whistled as he kneeled down to pick up the coins.
Up on the balcony, Matthew looked devastated as Ivan sighed, "Well, this has been fun. Matvey, tell your Yellow-fever induced friend that I said good night." As Ivan quickly jumped over the balcony and to the main floor, Matthew blinked,
"Wait, what?" Before looking over to see a sight that made his blood boil over in rage, "God-fucking-damn it Kiku! AGAIN?" Kiku and Marie were enjoying a hot and heavy make-out session right there at the table.
"Oh man…" Alfred sighed after he had finished collecting the money, "$1.25? That ain't even enough for the bus home!" ( 4 )
"I will drive you!" Ivan gritted out, seizing Alfred's arm and dragging him out of the bar.
"So… ja…" Ludwig calmly walked over his brother's unconscious body before he announced to everyone, "Merlin's Aphrodisiac wins."
Though there was a mixture of cheers and jeers, Marjane's friend found the strength to pick her up: Marjane whispering, "Merlin's Aphrodisiac won..? Yay…"
( 1 ) I am a major Dr. Who fan. Weeping Angels are probably the most well-known enemy in the series besides the daleks. They're aliens who look like angel statues covering their eyes.
( 2 ) I am also a brony. The lyrics here are made up but they are based on a song called 'Avast Fluttershy's Lament'.
( 3 ) Have you ever watched a foreign-film that seemed like the importers just did not care about how their voice-over turned out? Yeah…
( 4 ) Isn't this messed up? I live in California where the average bus-fare is $1.50. Luckily I'm in college, so bus-fare is free, but still…
There's the update this time around! Will Ivan explain what the heck is going on? And since when can Alfred rock those sweet moves? Only time will tell... Thanks for reading, please review! Please!