Disclaimer: I don't own Mass Effect. Arrival would have been a WHOLE LOT different if I did.
Summary: This is inspired by Skippy's List, go read!
100 Things Commander Shepard's Crew Will Mutiny Over
All Shepard wanted to do was go to her cabin and get some sleep and to get somebody to remove all the Cerberus logos on her ship. But, unfortunately, her crew had other ideas.
As she opened the cabin's door, she found that her entire combat crew were waiting in her room, all looking rather expectant. Even Liara was there, which left Shepard wondering who was running the Shadow Broker base.
"Okay, is it my birthday or the start of a wacky adventure?" Shepard asked attempting to gain some levity and control of the situation.
Miranda coughed into her fist and said, "Commander, we're here to go over some things that we... well..."
Jack finished her statement, "Stuff that we'll fuckin' mutiny over if you keep it up."
"I'm not a part of this!" Joker's voice rang out over the intercom.
"Coward," Grunt grumbled.
Shepard rolled her eyes, "Oh, come on. I'm not that bad. It's not like I'm one of those insane renegade N7's. And Liara, next time tell me you're coming, I'd have fixed the place up for you."
"We compiled a list, which Garrus shall hand over." said Tali, as she hip-bumped Garrus up front.
Garrus stumbled forward ahead of the others in front of Shepard, casting a betrayed look to Tali, and handed it over to Shepard. The Commander began to look it over.
1. You are no longer allowed to drive a Mako ever again.
2. Mountains are not challenges to your honor.
3. The Laws of Physics are not a challenge to your honor. That's for tech's.
4. You are to cease shouting, "FORM BLAZING SWORD!" when using your new omni-blade.
5. Tali and her engineering minions WILL NOT make the Normandy into a giant transforming robot. No matter how many times you ask. Or how many crayon drawing you have Grunt make of it.
6. You are no longer to go, "I'm not touching you, I'm not touching you!" whenever Samara's trying to meditate.
7. You are no longer allowed to throw soap bars into Jack's mouth. Gabby and Ken are tired of repairing the bulkheads.
8. You are to stop trying to take pictures of Grunt with his action figures.
9. You are not Dovahkiin and must stop telling people so.
10. The Normandy combat crew will not kill, and stuff a thresher maw so you can take it to your mom.
11. No, we will not allow you to lasso and ride a thresher.
12. The battlefield is not the appropriate place for a makeout session with Liara.
13. Even if she started it.
14. You are not allowed to cuddle/kiss with Liara while driving the Hammerhead. (See rule 13.)
15. No, Liara is not open to a threesome with Shiala. Or Aria. Or Rana Thanoptis. Or the Consort. Or Tali. Or Miranda. Or Jack. Or Samara.
16. Span- "Really, T'Soni?" Spandex shorts and sports bra's do not count as lingerie.
17. You are no longer allowed to poke fun at Miranda's latex fetish.
18. You are no longer allowed to call bullshit on Jacob's workout routine.
19. No, Mordin will not make a teleportation device for "Hagalaz Booty Calls."
20. You are no longer allowed to go on missions alone. BAD THINGS HAPPEN WHEN YOU GO ALONE.
21. Thane does not have 'Nam flashbacks, and it is wrong to imply otherwise.
22. Tali will not make chain firing rail guns that fire at relatvistic velocities. The power consumption is MIND BLOWING.
23. Mordin will not make you a lightsaber.
24. Doctor Chakwas orders that you are to stop headbutting people. God gave you guns and fists for a reason.
25. Jack is not a modern art piece, and you should stop trying to submit her to an art gallery.
26. You are to stop planning assassination idea's for the turian councillor. We're on thin ice as is.
27. You are to stop planning pranking idea's for the salarian councillor. We're on thin ice as is.
28. You are to stop planning seduction idea's for the asari councillor. WE ARE ON THIN ICE AS IS.
29. You are to never, ever share embarassing stories about Miranda to Orianna.
30. While we are thankful for the vending machines, you are to stop jacking up prices.
31. The Hammerhead is NOT the Shepardmobile.
32. You are to stop paying Kasumi to find dirt on fellow crewmembers.
33. You are no longer allowed to blackmail crewmembers with their Shadow Broker files.
34. You are no longer allowed to laugh at marines on guard duty. They shot at us last time.
35. You are to no longer have Grunt initiate Operation Meat Shield.
36. Stop blowing Miranda's door out of the frame. We don't care how many e-mails of yours she read.
37. This isn't from us, but you are banned from driving on Illium.
38. You are to tell SOMEONE your first name at least once!
39. You are to stop looking for Beautiful Merc's issues featuring Samara nude in her maiden years.
40. If you have FOUND previously said issues, you are to share with the rest of the crew.
41. You are to get a better haircut. See Yeoman Chambers.
42. You are not Spider-Girl. Quit jumping off ledges as if you were.
43. The Normandy does not have a 'ludicrous speed' setting.
44. Yeoman Chambers is not responsible for the scale itch spread. It is wrong to believe otherwise.
45. Zaeed is not a bajillion years old. Stop implying otherwise.
46. Your title is Commander, not "Galactic Empress of All Things."
47. Not allowed to work with Cerberus from this point forward.
48. No longer allowed to use Batarian soldiers as target practice. Even if they got it coming.
49. NEVER EVER ALLOWED TO MAKE A REAPER TROPHY TO BRING TO YOUR MOM.
50. No longer allowed to intiate random drills. Seriously, fifteen times in one week is RIDICULOUS.
51. No longer to sleep with the Revenant when Liara is over. Guns are not cuddle toys.
52. Stop using your Cerberus implants to bench lift Grunt. Especially when he's sleeping.
53. Our old requistions officer for guns, armor, ammo and mods name was NOT "Sugar Daddy."
54. You are no longer allowed to spend more than ten seconds watching asari erotic dancers.
55. It is better to beg forgiveness than to ask permission, no longer applies to you.
56. There is no Anti-Shepard conspiracy on this ship. That's the Citadel's thing.
57. Explosions are not the solution to all of life's problems.
58. You are to stop calling the Collector Base "Mordor."
59. You are not an infiltrator class, and we CAN see you.
60. "Point and laugh," is not an appropriate drill move for a Commander.
61. We'll get a damn pizza oven if YOU pay for it.
62. It is wrong to fire warning shots on the Citadel when other drivers do not recognize your right of way.
63. You are not allowed to enter pics of Tali'zorah's posterier to Bootylicious Quarians Monthly.
64. No, we don't care if you'd win some prize money.
65. No, Tali does not care if you'll share the prize money.
66. While awesome, we do not have the budget to replace the kodiak with gunships or starfighters.
67. No longer allowed to access the multiversal extranet to point and laugh at whiny emo colonist/sole survivor Shepards on FF net.
68. No longer allowed to lord your N7 status over every other grunt in the alliance, and those other 'lesser beings.'
69. No longer allowed to hit Garrus upside the head for his new catch phrase of "what the dealio." Unless he does it more than three times in one day. Then his ass is yours.
70. No one on this ship is willing to build you a throne room.
71. No longer allowed to go on the TV Tropes extranet site unsupervised. Last time you went on there, it took seven hours to get you off.
72. No longer allowed to poke Garrus' bandages.
73. No longer allowed to make fun of Thane's, Grunt's, and Jack's new eyewear.
74. No longer allowed to 'surf' on the Normandy's nose.
75. You are not a 'Jedi Mistress.' Or a 'Sith Lady.' ADDENDUM: What kinky crap you and Liara get up to is not our business.
76. Stop calling us, "Minions." No, we don't care how accurate it is.
77. We don't care how hideous they are, stop throwing your extra helmets at Cerberus requisition officers.
78. The black lipstick looks lame and tacky. Lose it.
79. When speaking of your "secret army of ninja's" and gesturing only to Kasumi... is no longer allowed.
80. We're not pooling our credits to buy a dreadnought.
81. We're not changing the Normandy's name to Wicked Wench.
82. We're not making clones of you. The galaxy would shit itself.
83. No longer allowed to assign nicknames
84. Nobody wants to do a group picture.
85. If Gardner asks you permission to hold another taco night, you are to say no. If he persists, you are to remove him as a threat to crew safety and health. With bullets.
86. While adorable, you are to stop playing 'kiss every freckle on Liara's face' in public. It's making the single crew members lonely.
87. It is never Shepard Day.
88. We will not make you a combat snowboard.
89. Quit hogging the heavy weapons and start sharing.
90. Stop trying to get Grunt 'hooked on phonics.'
91. Quit making fun of Jacobs pick up lines. It's cruel to torture the crippled.
92. Keep your ballgags and whips in your room. WE DO NOT WANT TO KNOW WHAT YOU AND LIARA GET UP TO. (BTW, who's topsie?) "Joker..." Shepard grumbled.
93. We are no longer celebrating Festivus.
94. While awesome, we are not making a chaingun cain.
95. The collector weapons and armor are useless, ugly, and icky. Toss 'em.
96. Kenneth will NOT quote Scottie, no matter how much skyllian five money he owes you.
97. Not allowed to make fun of Tali's pet names for drones, Commander Plays-With-Toy-Ships.
98. Punching people in the face is NOT the answer to every argument.
99. We will not play Dungeons and Dragons with you. You cheat.
100. We are not the Knights Who Say Ni.
"And that's about it," said Garrus as he inched towards the door and away from the direct path of the commander's wrath.
Shepard rolled her eyes, "Sheesh, nobody can take a few jokes. Fine, I'll play along. Now, out. I have some catching up with Liara to do."
With only minor grumbling, but mostly sastisfied, her combat crew, sans Liara, went to the elevator. How they all managed to fit was most likely due to the same bending of the laws of physics that allowed them all into the kodiak.
Shepard slowly turned on her lover, only to be dismayed by the riding crop in her blue hand.
Liara smirked and said, "You agreed readily enough, but I believe I shall have to reinforce them, as to avoid incident."