What did it matter? He'd been gone for what? Two years? Never came back. He never cared about me, not at all. He used me, and then ran off. All those sweet passionate nights had meant nothing in the end. He was never coming back. I had cried for him countless times. I avoided those around me because I felt guilty. He'd told me it wasn't my fault in all my dreams. However those were dreams, and this was real life. I had contemplated killing myself before, but stopped thinking that it would prove I was weak. Although, now I wasn't so sure it would be so bad. I had lived without love for so long, and that didn't hurt like it did now. As soon as I found out what love was, I couldn't let go.
"Could you have possibly hurt me any worse, teme?"
I couldn't forgive him, mainly because I couldn't become angry at him. His cool demeanor, that, smirk. It was never only mine. He's probably out there somewhere doing up some chick. I never truly thought… I suspected in the beginning he bent because he loved me. But now, when I thought about it, it made more sense that he was dragging me along to end at this.
I counted all the times he looked at me 'that way' and the few times only served to make me that much more upset. He never loved me, and I didn't see it. Betrayal. I felt broken. I would look around the room and remember all the walls I'd been backed against. I had cried so many times, I was sure my supply of tears was run out.
It didn't matter. I would never see him again. I may as well just plunge in the knife now.
Pulling myself from the sheets I cursed at the raging headache. I had tried to drink him away for about the hundredth time. You'd think I was used to it, starting at thirteen. It never worked, it only made the memories more prominent.
'You have so much to live for!' Tch, yeah right. I have nothing left. I've been lying to myself for years, saying it was bound to happen. It had never meant much to him, but it was my whole world. The first person to love me; the first of many things. Heartbreak being among the most recent.
"Is this what you were trying to reduce me to?"
It was useless, all the people praising me and chanting my name… Everything I had worked for, now seemingly within my grasp. But it was all an illusion. They loved me because I had saved them. The hero was currently blinding them of how they all really viewed me. A monster. It was ironic really. The monster who had destroyed the village, was now protecting it. I was acting so foolishly. Everything I thought I was gaining, it was all falling apart right in front of me.
As much as this place was my home, I hated it. The abuse. The scars both emotional and physical. Nothing made me feel like I belonged. The people who pretended to care for me… those who might actually have gotten past the hate everyone else threw at me… those people were in danger if not already gone.
And his leaving only made this more obvious. All the times that I had gone without dinner, because I was too upset to eat. Those times that I took excessive amounts of medication to try and stifle this pain in my chest. They were because he had shown me the truth… No one would ever love me. He didn't. Hell, I didn't even love myself. I thought he had shown some sort of sympathy based on the fact that the two of us were orphans. I was blinded by hope. There was nothing stopping me from killing myself right now. Then again… I wasn't one to give up so easily.
Under normal circumstances.
However, these were not normal in any way. The aching I felt all these years was not one that could be treated with medicines. It couldn't be treated at all.
I thought what I had was real, but people never cried for me. When he left… I didn't cry immediately. There was still hope that he could be brought back. But when we fought… there was killing intent. I knew.
He never loved me.
He never cared about me.
He was only toying with me.
The pounding in my head was slowly residing and when I fell back into the sheets… my eyes fluttered between open and closed. I was at the end of the line… the drug mixed with the ache was eating me apart.
Yet, I wished he was there. I missed him. I looked over to the window and saw the moon. I had seen it countless times and it wasn't the moon that had caught my eye. The clouds were separating.
They were going to let me in.
The last wretch of pain came and as I lay there I could feel the end.
Walls started to blend together and I closed my eyes for the very last time. I was sure this time.
My last tear fell.
"Gomenesai, Sasuke-kun. For everything."