Disclaimer- I don't own Naruto.
I'll tell you this, I've written some weird stuff in the past year and a half. While not super-weird, this may qualify. The last of my Ibiki-Konoha 11-Sai and Sasuke-Sand Siblings series! It is over! :)
"Why do you want to know?"
Ino leaned over Ibiki's desk, smiling widely. "Because I'm taking a survey. So far Kakashi's winning."
"Thanks for informing me," scowled Ibiki. "You do realize I'm working, right?"
"I'm sure you a spare a little time. How much chest hair do you have?"
"Look, Yamanaka, I'm writing up the official report for a group of Stone ninja that were captured last week. It's actually rather classified and urgent."
Ibiki raised an eyebrow. "And how exactly do you judge the amount?"
"I prefer to see the chest in question..."
"Are you sure you're not just sexually frustrated?"
Ino glared at him. "..but for shy shinobi like yourself, an approximate would do. I also need someone to confirm or deny your claim."
"And this is going to take two seconds?" sneered Ibiki.
Ino made a face at him, swinging her long blonde hair in the exact way that her father did. Ibiki smiled slightly at the resemblance.
"I have every chunin over the age of twelve, every jonin except that nine-year-old prodigy that freaks me out, every genin over the age of fifteen (which is sad, by the way, being a genin that old), and every Tokubetsu except you. You're not fourteen years old. You have no excuse."
"And the Hokage?" smirked Ibiki.
Ino waved photos of Naruto chest in front of him. "Photographic evidence. Beat that."
"You have issues."
"So do you. Deal with it. C'mon, just give me a peek." pleaded Ino.
"I assume that if I tell you the entire village will know in the next day?"
"Probably." admitted Ino.
"I could make a deal! I promise not to tell anyone if you just let me see it, ok?"
"Will you leave me alone then?"
"Cross my heart and hope to die."
"I'll hold you to that." said Ibiki ominously.
"You'll show me?"
"No, I'll tell you."
Ino sighed. "Damn. Disappointing."
"Do you want to know or not?"
"Thank you very much, sir." said Ino solemnly.
"That's what I thought you'd say." grumbled Ibiki.
"I don't have any."
Ino blinked. "Huh?"
"What, are you deaf? I don't have any chest hair, ok?"
"What? You're kidding, right?"
"No, I'm not." If Ino wasn't mistaken, it looked like Ibiki's face was getting slightly red.
"I don't believe you."
"What? Why would I lie?" Ibiki was definitely flustered now.
"I don't know. You're pretty good at it, though, so I figure you could be lying."
"Fine." Ibiki shrugged off his trenchcoat, stood up, and unbuttoned the shirt, pulling it wide open for Ino to see. He was right. His chest was so covered scars that any chest hair he might have had was long gone. Ino drooled over the tight six-pack that was now visible to her.
"You may have no chest hair," commented Ino. "But I can tell you have pubic hair."
Ibiki blushed furiously and tried to hide it, quickly rebuttoning his shirt. "I knew you just wanted to see my chest, although I can't imagine why."
"You can't imagine why?" gaped Ino. "Have you looked at your chest, like, ever?"
"Of course I have. It's nothing but scars. What you see in it, Yamanaka, is a mystery."
"Actually," grinned Ino. "I have a secret fetish for scars."
""What? I'm not kidding!"
"I said get out!"
Ino blew him a kiss. "I'll pick you up for dinner around six, then?"
"I'll be back with flowers!"
"...I'm allergic to lilies."
"Point noted, thanks!"
Ibiki buried his face in his hands. What had he gotten himself into?
I had fun with this one. Reviews are love! :)