A/N: Well well well, it's been quite some time! Here I am...in college...bored...with nothing but Hulu for entertainment. The return to anime was inevitable, I suppose.

I don't know where this little piece of nonsense came from...well yes, actually, I do, suffice to say it was not what I intended to be writing, but Misao and I struck up a conversation about how utterly squicky this pair was, both individually and together, and how wouldnt it be funny if they had little squick babies together? Hence, muse barfs this. And after I have been trying to turn out some cute ShunUki for a good month now. She says, "MWAHAHAHA, SPICES! You shall not write the fluffy cuddles, but the MPREG ESPADA SQUICKINESS!" Go figure.

Well, the ShunUki will turn up eventually, I suppose. ByaRen is also very highly likely. Oh, little me who used to watch Bleach when I was oh so innocent, it's time to yaoi this bitch up. ;)


In Which Teacups Are Abused (And Also Nnoitora's Face)

"You!" Szayelaporro shrieked, leveling an accusing finger at Nnoitora as he stormed into the espada meeting. Pink hair sticking up at odd angles, golden eyes crazed behind slightly askew glasses, and every fiber of his being quivering with rage, Szayelaporro marched over to the Quinto Espada and clocked him across the face with the rather large notebook he had had tucked under his arm, knocking Nnoitora from his chair. The entire table fell silent as confusion and amusement overtook the remaining espada.

"What the hell was that for?" Nnoitora hollered from the floor, wiping his mouth with the back of his hand. "What do you think you're doing?"

"What am I doing?" Szayelaporro cried, nearing hysterics, "What am I doing? What have you DONE, Nnoitora Jiruga? You useless piece of shit son of a mother fucker—!" He whacked Nnoitora with the notebook, and when Nnoitora opened his mouth to speak, Szayelaporro whacked him again. "YOU UTTER SHIT," he wailed, pressing his palm to his stomach, "YOU'VE GOTTEN ME PREGNANT, YOU PIG!"

"Oh my," said Gin, his characteristic grin, if possible, stretching even wider. Grimmjow snorted and burst into hysterical laughter. Ulquiorra blinked. Aizen just raised an eyebrow and smirked. Nnoitora, for his part, seemed to be taking it rather well. If gaping wordlessly like a fish counted at "rather well." Szayel's narrow chest was heaving, and there was a wild glint to his eye that signaled this tantrum was not over just yet.

"Uh…" said Nnoitora eloquently.

With a wordless scream, Szayelaporro snatched a teacup off the table and dashed it to the floor. "You've ruined me, Jiruga! RUINED ME! I've done tests," he shook his notebook in Nnoitora's face to emphasize his point, "Scores and scores of carefully regulated tests. This should not have happened!" He threw the notebook in the air and clutched wildly at his hair. "Only you, Nnoitora, ONLY YOU could fuck something up THIS BADLY! SHUT THE FUCK UP GRIMMJOW OR I WILL RIP YOU INTO SO MANY PIECES THEY WILL NEVER FIND ALL OF YOU!"

Grimmjow stopped laughing.

"Szayel," Nnoitora croaked, finally able to get a word in now that the rampaging Octava Espada had been distracted.

"DON'T YOU FUCKING SPEAK TO ME, YOU PIECE OF DIRT!" Szayelaporro howled, slamming his foot down on Nnoitora's face. "YOU. LITTLE. WORM." He punctuated each word with a stomp. "YOU THINK YOU'RE SOMETHING, NNOITORA, ALL, OOH, I'M SO HANDSOME! OOH, SZAYEL, I ALWAYS HAD A THING FOR PRETTY YOUNG MEN LIKE YOU, I CAN MAKE YOU FEEL REEEAAL GOOD!" Grimmjow giggled, the laughter he was restraining threatening to break loose. Ulquiorra's foot ground down hard on his, and the only thing that escaped Grimmjow's mouth was a squeak. "WELL LOOK WHAT YOU'VE DONE, FUCKER! I HOPE YOU'RE HAPPY! SEE IF I EVER LISTEN TO YOU AND YOUR OBSCENELY TALENTED TONGUE EVER AGAIN! YOU LEECH! YOU SWINE! YOU'RE LOWER THAT A MANGE-RIDDEN RAT, YOU MAGGOT THAT CRAWLED OUT OF A CORPSE'S ASS!" Szayelaporro was practically dancing on Nnoitora's face, eyes wide with maniacal rage as a raving litany of shrieks and insults continued to pour from his mouth.

"Szayelaporro," Aizen finally said, in that quiet and utterly infuriating way of his, when the integrity of Nnoitora's facial structure was starting to become iffy. Szayel paused with one bloodied foot in the air and fixed Aizen with a chilly glare to rival the king of Hueco Mundo's own. "I would appreciate it," Aizen said, "If you would refrain from damaging him irreparably." Szayelaporro raised a skeptical eyebrow. "He's quite useful."

That did it.

"USEFUL?" Szayelaporro screamed, and in a fit of either unparalleled bravery or utter stupidity, he snatched another teacup from the table and chucked it at Aizen's head. The Lord of Hueco Mundo dodged it calmly as Szayel continued to scream. "USEFUL? MORE LIKE USELESS!" He dragged Nnoitora up by his collar and proceeded to shake him so hard his head rattled. "THE MOST USELESS FUCKING WORM ON THE FACE OF THE PLANET!" Szayelaporro dropped him unceremoniously back to the floor and dug his heel into Nnoitora's cheek one last time for good measure. Still visibly seething, he turned on his heel (the one still embedded in Nnoitora's face), and stormed to the door, throwing his arms up with an enraged cry. His shrieks and curses and the sound of breaking objects echoed back down the hallway after him.

Utter silenced reigned, save for the occasional gurgled groans of the profusely bleeding Nnoitora.

"Well," said Aizen to his table full of shell shocked espada, calmly brushing teacup fragments off of the table in front of him. "Where were we? Nnoitora, please return to your seat. What on earth do you think you're doing, lying about like that? We haven't got all day to tolerate your lollygagging and nonsense, you know."