Letters to the Federation of Unionized Cocks and Others
A/N: This was supposed to be an entry for a contest, but ended up being more of a crack fic ... I didn't enter the contest, but I figured I'd post it just for shits and giggles.
A big thank-you to LaMomo and Unimaginative Olena for their help with this silliness :o)
Disclaimer: All things Twilight belong to Stephenie Meyer.
Chapter 1 – F.U.C.
An open letter from Edward Cullen's Cock to the Federation of Unionized Cocks (F.U.C.)
Dear Federation of Unionized Cocks,
I want pussy. Please help me get some fucking pussy.
The cockblocking asshole I'm attached to won't ever let me near a fucking vagina. I think he's afraid of the pussy. Sweet, yummy pussy.
Well, I assume the pussy is yummy. I keep up with the weekly F.U.C. newsletters. I know about the experiences my comrades have had – and I fucking want in!
In, damn it! In!
I've never even been near naked pussy. I've barely been near a clothed one for fuck's sake.
Except that time Tanya got nice and close. I got hard and pulled Ednonfuck in her direction. He thought he slipped on the ice and "accidentally" slid into her, rubbing my glorious head on that little jean clad crack of hers. Fucker didn't know I coordinated with his feet and made that shit happen.
That's right, Ednonfuck's feet want us to get laid too. They've never had the chance to play footsies. All of us are getting kind of pissed here. I'm pretty sure they're going to contact the Society of Fed-up Feet and Toes to see what they can do about it. Maybe we'll all go on strike.
Since I never get anywhere near pussy, that one time we "slipped" and I "oops" brushed against Tanya – I may have jizzed just a little. That's right, I pulled a Lonely Island and jizzed in my pants. Well, I jizzed in his pants. A condom is the closest to my own personal pants I'll ever have and I'm supposed to jizz in that. And I would, if he would only put one on me and let me have a pussy!
Really, the non-fucker deserved the jizzed pants. I don't mind being a little wet and sticky, I mean, fuck, that's what I'm supposed to feel like after I finally get some pussy action, right? So, fuck him if being covered in cum made him uncomfortable for a while and pissed him off. It eventually froze and made his pants all crunchy. Stupid non-fucker. That's what he gets for non-fucking.
I mean, it's been over one hundred years!
One hundred non-fucking years! Isn't there a limit that straight non-priests can go without letting their cock at some pussy? I would greatly appreciate it if you could take the time to peruse the Federation of Unionized Cocks Charters to check whether there is a time limit that we negotiated at some point.
Maybe, if he had documentation of some kind, he would amenable to getting us laid already.
I know his hands are getting tired of this shit. Now, don't get me wrong, I do like how they make me feel. After one-fucking-hundred years, we've more than got our rhythm down. But they want to squeeze some ass, palm some tit, pinch a nipple. They want to finger the pussy that I want to fuck. They need some real loving with a live, naked woman too, damn it.
Fuck live, one of those dead naked women would do it.
Technically, I'm dead, right? I admit that I never really understood if those of us that are attached to vampires are actually alive or dead? I get that Ednonfuck doesn't breathe or shit or whatever. But I can cum, and my jizz comes from somewhere, right? If there is a sub-group within F.U.C. that specifically works with cocks that are attached to vampires, I would really appreciate it if you could put me in contact with them.
Back to the dead or alive pussy; I don't think I care which I get. Let's go over the pros and cons of each:
Dead Vampire Pussy:
- Embedded into a vampire woman, therefore a pair of nice firm tits for my buddies to squeeze and pinch. My goal isn't just to get pussy for myself, but also to get my boys laid and happy. You have no idea how rough it is, sharing Ednonfuck's body with so many unfulfilled and sexually frustrated body parts. You should hear Ednonfuck's nipples complain. Apparently, they are into S&M and want some biting action. Ednonfuck's hands pinch them, but I suspect that he may have to eventually invest in some personal nipple clamps.
- Dead vampire pussy won't get all loose and flappy. I mean, vampire women don't change, right? So, if the vamp-bitch is tight, she'll always be tight.
- Can definitely slam that pussy without worrying about hurting it. I mean, it's already dead.
- Not really sure how wet vamp-bitches get. Can someone from F.U.C. contact the Vagina Association to find that out for me? If we have a sub-group for cocks that are attached to vampires, they must have a sub-group for Vampire Vag right?
- If vamp-bitches are hard as stone, their nipples would probably cut glass, not sure that Ednonfuck's chest would really like that much. I know that his nipples like it rough, but his chest and abs seem pretty proud and I'm thinking that they wouldn't want to get all scratched up.
Live, non-dead breathing woman's pussy:
- Soft. I bet that shit is so nice and soft. Pushing into that would probably feel fucktastic.
- Wet. I know the live ones get wet. If the hands and mouth and I work together, I am sure that we can get a live pussy nice and wet.
- Hot. That heat's got to feel good. I'm always fucking cold. After over one-hundred years I'm still not used to Ednonfuck being like a walking Popsicle. I know I liked it better when he was warm. Live non-dead pussy would be warm.
- No hard fucking. I'd probably break her.
- Might be hard to convince a live one to let me in. I might freeze her clit off.
- Since I've never been near a pussy, I'm not 100% sure how they work. If I fuck her a lot will she get all loose? Maybe you could resend me the newsletter that dealt with pre and post birth pussy tightness? I seem to remember there being a reference to over-pussy-fucking and the loosening factor. Though I seem to recall something about them getting tighter when swollen with lust? I would love for an experienced member to give me more information on this specific topic.
So, in summary, both cold dead-vampire pussy and live non-dead breathing woman pussy have their pluses and minuses. I think I'm good with either option.
The point of my request today, after decades of silence, is for a few of our other members to let me know exactly what they did to get in there. I've received quite a few newsletters that detailed the act itself (you lucky little fuckers); however, in all the years that I've been a full-fledged member of F.U.C.(which is longer than most members, I'm sure), very little has actually been communicated concerning how the member finally got to the naked pussy.
Not that I don't love the fucking stories – the exposé "The True Quality of Hooker Holes" was fantastic and, if Ednonfuck ever pays for it, I'll know more about what to expect - I'm just hoping that somecock can help me get some pussy; the free kind, the paid kind, dead, alive, whatever, just details on how they got there so they could get in.
Did they team up with others? Did they somehow manage to directly communicate with the owner of the body they are attached to? I've heard of men thinking with their cocks - if it's true, how did that member manage to take over? Did they do some crazy ESP shit? Or are they full of shit and they had to wait around until the body owner finally figured shit out and got a woman naked?
Has any cock other than me ever had to wait over one-hundred years to get pussy? If so, how did they deal with it? I'd love to know their coping strategies.
Thank-you in advance for your help,
Best Regards and keep the pussy stories cumming,
I live vicariously through you all,
The Virgin Cock attached to Ednonfuck Cullen
A/N: Right . . . so . . . comments anycock?
For those that don't know "Jizz in my Pants" by Lonely Island
www (dot) youtube (dot) com/watch?v=VLnWf1sQkjY