For an hour she had pushed herself. She had used muscles that she did not know she had; she had felt free for the first time. She set her own pace, she told herself when it was too much or when it wasn't enough. When her legs could no longer take the beating she had plopped herself on the park bench and had relished on the burning sensation that lingered at her chest.
And from that moment on she had made sure that she would feel that sensation every day. So for two weeks she had set her goal of running. She would sneak in and out of the house, she knew her family and friends were aware of her escapades but they never confronted her and she had no desire to see them. So she would go on her own and for a few hours escape into this sensation.
While she had increased her running little by little today she pushed herself into a manner that was slowly testing her limited expertise on running. She had bought the necessary running shoes that fit like a glove on her feet and had also acquired a light sweater, and before the run today she had decided that a headband could make it easier for her hair.
But she never made it to that store before she had spotted another item in another store she had no right to look at. The display window had little knick and knacks that would make most others ohh and aww at the sight. She had no desire to do either nevertheless she crept closer to the window and almost seemed to press her whole body onto the frame. There on her right she saw what she had imagined and let herself dream for a little while.
And now as she ran, what was now her usual path, she could not help but curse herself for the weakness she allowed herself. She had already had those moments of weakness and had strived to leave that all behind but now the evidence of this regression was peeking out from her sweater pocket.
She slowed her pace down and finally let her body cry out a relief at no longer being pushed. Hands on her waist, she made her way to the park benched located under an enormous tree that seemed to come from another time and place.
Breathing in and out began to lessen the pounding of her heart and lessen the burning sensation she had come to love. Beads of sweat made their way down her forehead and some remained or pooled at the end of her nose. She didn't care, she all this as a medal she could wear proudly for what she has been able to do. She bent her arms over her thighs and brought her head forward as she continued her now ritual of coming down from her high.
Slow trekked footsteps reached her ears. She knew who it was and was not surprised that the person had finally made his way towards her. It had been too long and while she had been able to ignore most of her misery she could no longer deny herself this part.
He sat on the bench, an arm's length away from her, something she appreciated. But then again he had always known her better than he had himself.
She brought her head up and glanced at the sky and saw the beginnings of the sun going down. She loved the numerous colors that made up the sky during this time. It was marvelous to watch and experience.
She glanced to her right and saw a water bottle being thrust towards her. She gladly took it without comment and realized she did not have open it for he had already done that.
She felt his eyes on her as her throat worked the water down, to finally replenish the dryness that she had become accustomed to. The bottle was half-empty when he spoke to her again.
"I've been following you; I never would have guessed you would take up running"
His voice could have held a tone of resentment or could have carried anger, but his voice held none at all. It almost seemed like an everyday conversation that could have been made from one friend to another. But they had never really been friends; they had been so much more.
She cleared her throat, once and then twice. She knew her voice was still getting used to the work of actually making words but she could not continue staying quite any longer.
It almost came out like a whisper and with a hint of sand-paper quality no one could have suggested came from her. If it were not for the wind that decided to pick up at that moment, he would never have heard her.
She felt it rather than heard it, but she knew the change of the evitable conversation would be required during this would-be tête-à-tête.
"Why haven't you returned any of my calls?" He took a deep breath and she finally turned her head to look at him. She had avoided any potential eye-contact with the one person who could see the lies she told herself and tried to display with others. He would see the pain, anguish and despair she been fighting to keep buried somewhere within her.
The look in his eyes displayed the surprise at here those rarely used words come out of her mouth. At one time they had been each other's confidants, had told the other secrets they had kept hidden from even their own world. He knew the enormity of her saying those words.
He opened his mouth to respond but she began speaking, and it was her cracking voice and made him close his mouth and listen to the barely there words that were making their way to him.
"I have tried so hard to forget you and that crash that just robbed every dream away from us. I was hiding in my room for so long that I didn't think I could ever breathe if I would ever step out. But I did and now here I am. Running or escaping, I don't know which one it is anymore. It's that piece of freedom I finally allowed myself to have."
She closed her eyes and tilted her head at the now darkening sky and allowed those precious moments to sustain her before she continued. Because she knew that this conversation would happen and needed to happen. For his sanity or for hers.
"Remember that scare I had in high school?"
It was no use elaborating on what scare it was. The moment before the revealing of that test had made her so petrified that she thought she would pass out at the possibility of motherhood at such a young age. He nodded his slightly, unsure of why she was bringing up that part of their past, it had made the boy in him sweat at the possibility of early fatherhood. This would quickly change years later with the same women, sitting away from him, yet who still owned his heart.
"I had been so scared that I would be seventeen –pregnant and alone. So when that test came out negative I was so happy that I just burst out crying" She gave him a small smirk that he would have returned had it not been for the continued sadness that haunted her once bright eyes. "And now years later I still felt like that seventeen year old, who was about to take the same test and didn't know what emotion to stick with."
She shook her head and let out a laugh that still seemed foreign to her for she abruptly caught herself before she continued with her words.
"I couldn't believe that I was in the same situation again. Except you were still the same player but we had another guy that did not deserve to be in this missed up and twisted lives of ours. All he did was love me and offer me everything I ever wanted, and while it may not have been with the person I had finally allowed myself to dream with. I had finally accepted that he would be it for me. Yet there I was again destroying other people's lives with one single test that could change everything."
He closed his eyes for a moment and tried to imagine that everything in their lives would have been different. That their intertwined lives would have led them to each other once and for all, but destiny or fate, or whatever it was always had different plans for them. It was as if their lives were never meant to be together but to suffer separately, alone and with broken promises of what could have been.
"For a moment I really thought the test would be negative and all that worry would have been for nothing. But when it showed up positive I was surprised to feel so elated and just with this overwhelming feeling of happiness. I didn't think that I would feel that and it took me so long to accept that I would be someone's mother that I couldn't help imagining him or her and how I could finally give them everything my mother and father lacked in providing me."
A sound rustled and he finally noticed the white bag that was peeking from the pocket of her jacket. He reached for it and his fingers briefly touched it before her hand pulled the bag herself. She clutched it as if it was the most important thing in the world. She glanced down at the bag and then looked up at him, "When I took that paternity test, I so wanted you to be the father that I had already imagined what your son or daughter would look like. It was ridiculous really, but the more I imagined them the stronger the images seemed to get. A little boy with your smirk, and so devious and unwilling to bend for anyone or a little –
"Or a little girl that would have your curls, those big beautiful eyes of yours and she would only have my heart because her mother already has it. I would see her and I would see you and that would be perfection to me, if she would have looked just like you and nothing like me."
They always say that eyes are windows to the soul and right now Blair's eyes held so much pain that it made it hard for him to breathe. He had expected the pain of losing a child and while he had allowed himself that brief happiness of finally getting the family, she and he deserved, he had not imaging losing them at that same moment. So the pain he felt was nothing new but the pain of losing a child that was never his was almost unbearable. When she had finally given him that chance and they were making plans, he had imagined a daughter that would look just like her and no matter what a paternity test revealed he would give her his last name.
Chuck Bass had never told anyone else about his secret dream of having a little girl with the woman who sat miles away from him. But with the same woman he felt liberated at finally revealing that side of the little boy lost that would forever crave for a family of his own.
A few tears trekked down her cheeks and once again before he could reach her, her hand swept them away. She gave him a little smile because she could imagine the picture he presented and she got the feeling that he understood where all this pain, she held, was coming from.
Blair brought the bag she clutched down against her legs and smoothed the bag away from the persistent wrinkles in held. She didn't open it and he didn't let his curiosity demand that she let him in on what seemed to be a precious secret.
"After the accident I let myself cry and breakdown for that baby I had lost. After they told me you were going to be alright, I didn't think it would be good to continue the way we had. I blamed you and mostly I blamed myself for what happened, I kept going over and over scenarios and questioning "What if?"
"Blair you cannot blame yourself for this accident. It just happened and I am so damn sorry that it happened, but we you can't blame yourself over this."
Something in his words seemed to have snapped her out of her zombie like state, for her eyes finally matched the woman he used to know. The woman who could challenge the best of them and win.
"Don't you think I know that?" She began pressing against the wrinkled bag and smoothing it out in an almost nervous gesture. "I have tried so hard to just move forward, but I can't help but feel that I should not have gone with you, I should have gone back to my fiancée who had no idea that I was leaving him and taking our child to be raised by another man. I can't help but feel as if I was being punished for breaking a promise I had made. How do we know this wasn't some kind of divine intervention? Somewhere, some God I may or may not believe in was just telling us, 'Oh, you guys are runaway? Okay then let's make sure that you guys are never happy again'. "Blair-"
She cut him off with a look before she could hear some more words of comfort against these thoughts that continued to run rampant around her mind. She realized she made hardly any sense yet nothing that has happened made any sense.
"I don't know what possessed me but I spoke to someone at the hospital. I made them tell me what the baby was, they said it was too early to detect but they could do it." Tears began to well up in his eyes, for a man who had not let himself feel for the better part of his childhood and adulthood. It seemed that for the rest of his life he was going to cry buckets for this woman and because of this woman who now seemed to thrive on torturing herself.
He wanted to reach out and almost shake her and ask, 'Why are you doing this? Why are you doing this to….us?' But he knew his touch would be rejected just like before. He opened his mouth to demand or plead that she stop doing this, but he noticed her hands moving the bag closer to her and opening it as if it were a piece a treasure that should not be disturbed.
It appeared as if his interest as to what the bag contained would be answered. "I called what seemed like every day until they would finally tell me what the baby was. And after a lot of yelling I finally got my answer." She pulled out what seemed to be a purple bow attached to some stretchy material. It was one of those elastic headbands made especially for babies. And he knew then that his little dream of holding perfection would have come true but then again he had never been lucky, and now that was a dream he would always hold.
"I still can't believe I bought it. I was just walking by and I saw it and while my head was telling me that this was ridiculous, my heart just couldn't bear not buying her a gift." She smoothed out the headband as she had done with the wrinkles. Blair placed it against the bag she still had once again laid out against her legs. They both looked at, both unsure as to what to do and how to continue.
The sky was completely black now; they were only illuminated by the street lamps that had been turned on. Chuck moved a little closer and when he did not see her move away from him, he allowed himself to place his arm around her shoulders. He felt rather than heard the heartbreaking sobs that racked her to thin body. Blair turned her head to lean against his arm, "I really wanted her. I really wanted to hold her and love her." She molded her body against his and clutched his shoulders and cried in earnest. He brought his arms around her and clutched in the same desperation, "I wanted her too. I wanted her too."
The darkness that surrounded the nearly empty park was witness to two parents that never got to be parents. Their cries and sobs filled the emptiness that surrounded them and surrounded their hearts, and they would forever dream about the "What ifs?" and they would continue to grieve for the little girl who never had a chance to wear the headband and have a mommy and daddy who would forever love her.
This story was never meant to be any longer than a few chapters. I have become so disappointed with the show and how they completely disregarded who these characters are and how they have grown. That it's just sad now and I do not understand how they could completely gloss over Blair's miscarriage the way they have. This is the way I imagined Blair and Chuck dealing with losing their child. I did not include Louis because his character never seemed to be too interested in what was happening with his child. So really Chuck became the dad. So thank you and for those who read I do hope you enjoyed my attempt at tackling this issue.