The Heredity Achievement
"Hello Amy Farrah Fowler," Sheldon greeted when he opened the door to 4A. He stepped aside to let her enter. "Please, have a seat."
But Amy marched halfway across the living room before turning on her heel and pacing back. She didn't seem to have heard him.
"Are you still feeling unwell?" He asked. "I'm concerned about your persistent headaches, nausea, and slightly higher than normal temperature, and I would like to know if those symptoms have been relieved."
"I consulted a doctor." She stopped right in front of him. "I'm pregnant."
For a few moments, they stared silently at each other.
"Don't you have anything to say?" She asked.
"Sorry, I was waiting for the Bazinga. Where is it?"
She crossed her arms over her breasts. "Keep on waiting."
"This is taking up an inordinate amount of time, but as your boyfriend, I'm willing to indulge you, so okay." He set his arms akimbo and continued looking at her expectantly.
Shaking her head, she walked past the coffee table and inspected the shelves. From between the books, she pulled out Leonard's 'sarcasm' sign and held it up.
"Oh," Sheldon nodded absently, then gasped. "Oh!"
"Well?" She prompted.
He gawked at her, his blue eyes as big as saucers, and cried: "I'm sorry, this wasn't in the Agreement!"
He watched her take a deep breath then exhale slowly. Then she glared at him so fiercely that he cringed, fearing that she would hit him.
Then she said: "We're both amateurs in this relationship model, so in the interest of effective communication, let me tell you in no uncertain terms… Sheldon Lee Cooper, I'm pissed with you."
She whirled around and ran out of the apartment, slamming the door behind her.
Sheldon managed to shut his gaping mouth. He alternately closed and opened his fists, chanting: "This is not good, this is not good, this is not good…"
An unplanned entity would enter his life.
His mother would punish him for getting his girlfriend pregnant out of wedlock.
And Amy Farrah Fowler had run out of his apartment in fury.
With tears in her eyes.
He jolted into action, hurtling out the door and jumping down the stairs two steps at a time. "Amy, Amy, Amy… don't run, you're with child!"
He exited the building just in time to see her board a cab, which sped away before he could throw himself in front of it. He flagged down another taxi but paused before he could enter. He didn't have his public transportation pants, his sanitary wipes, nor his wallet.
At the Cheesecake Factory, Penny was on bartender duty, and Bernadette sat at the bar, sipping a Cosmopolitan. Another glass was already set by the next seat, allocated for Amy, who had requested their urgent presence. She had ended her text message with: "I've got big news."
The neurobiologist arrived and without preamble, announced: "I'm pregnant."
Bernadette sighed while Penny rolled her eyes and said: "Sweetie, the same trick isn't going to work twice."
"One, my prior notice wasn't a trick, it was an experiment. And two…" she fished a sheet of paper from her bag and presented it to her friends.
The two blondes read the results, dropped their jaws, and shouted: "Oh my God, you ARE pregnant!"
"I'm not yet over the fact that you and Sheldon are getting it on, and now you're knocked up?" Penny shook her head and downed the Cosmopolitan originally intended for Amy. "You don't need this." She pulled out a new glass and started mixing a Shirley Temple.
"Congratulations! You're going to have a grand time with stinky nappies, sleepless nights, and sagging everything, but yay, babies, that's what they say…" Bernadette hugged Amy, but there was no response. The other woman was motionless and forlorn in her arms; she gave a gentle shake. "Amy...?"
Penny stopped mixing. "Sweetie?"
To their horror, their pregnant friend burst into heartbroken sobs. "H-H-He… he doesn't want the baby!"
Bernadette hugged her again, then ran a hand comfortingly on her back, and stroked her hair. "Oh Amy, don't cry, it's going to be okay…"
The waitress dumped the drink and fetched a pint of ice cream, opening the lid and stabbing a spoon in the container before handing it to her. "I don't understand, didn't you and Sheldon want to have a baby before?" Adding in a breath: "Before I blackmailed him against it…"
"Yeah," Bernadette dabbed at Amy's tear-streaked face with a napkin. "Maybe you're misunderstanding him. Are you sure he doesn't want the baby?"
Amy nodded, still shaking with silent sobs. "He said it wasn't part of the Agreement."
Penny scowled: "That psychotic little…" Bernadette gave her a look and she bit back the rest of her words.
She stood there silently, helplessly, while the tiny microbiologist soothed their friend with cooing and patting and hugging. A tiny prickle of guilt crawled up Penny's neck. Surely it wasn't because of her past threat to tell on his mother that Sheldon was rejecting this baby?
It was unbelievable that Amy would get pregnant though, Penny would've thought that she and Sheldon would take every precaution against such little surprises.
That was the problem with smart virgins—they think they're above doing the nasty, and when they finally do it, they don't realize they're as prone to making babies as everyone else.
"Assemble, quickly!" Leonard hastened Raj, Howard, and Penny inside, all of them clad in camouflage suits as he was, into the living room of 4A. "'Major Cooper' said we're having a briefing at oh-nine-hundred hours sharp, and I don't want to get one push-up for every minute we're late again."
"Where's 'Major Cooper?'" Howard asked, making quotation marks in the air.
"Probably in his room, making strategy," he muttered.
But soon, it was 9:05 AM, and Sheldon hadn't made his appearance. Leonard had already knocked twice and Penny was threatening to shoot "Major Whackadoodle's" spot on the couch with paintballs if he didn't come out, when the door swung open and Sheldon shuffled in.
"Sheldon?" Leonard raised an eyebrow at his roommate's haphazard clothing, tousled hair, flushed cheeks, and rather swollen lips.
"Your shirt is inside-out," Penny remarked.
Disregarding their words and the exposed backside of his shirt's Green Lantern logo, Sheldon languidly traveled to the kitchen, reaching for his cereal bowl and the box of Fruit Loops. Leonard's brow hitched higher. It was French toast day, and a stack was set on the island for the picky roommate.
"Did you… go for a walk?" Leonard asked.
"Then where were you?" Penny asked.
He walked cautiously towards the uncharacteristically silent man eating unscheduled cereal. "You were out all night?"
"But last night was Fun Fri-date with Amy… hey, weren't you wearing that shirt last night?" In his head, the wheels turned and clicked in place, but he wasn't ready to vocalize his deduction.
"Holy crap on a cracker, Sheldon Cooper Shamy-walking the walk of shame!" Penny shrieked, jumping to Leonard's side and shaking his arm, while both of them gawked at Sheldon.
Behind them, Raj's muffled whisper was almost loud enough to be coherent and Howard said: "Yes, that probably means they had sex."
"You dog!" Leonard cheered, playfully punching Sheldon's arm. "You were so worn out from last night that you didn't even wake up in time for the briefing."
"For your information, I did wake up early, at six AM to be precise," Sheldon rebutted. "I woke up, but then…"
"But then…?" Leonard echoed.
Sheldon immediately fixated on his now mushy cereal and colorful milk, jabbing with his spoon.
Leonard and Penny exchanged open-mouthed looks of incredulity.
"You double dog!" She punched Sheldon's arm, rather stronger than Leonard did. Sheldon cringed. "You had an encore of your performance last night!"
"It was… necessary," Sheldon swallowed, his gaze darting around uneasily. "My endocrine system didn't exactly give me a choice in the matter."
"You triple dog!" Howard accused. "After all your high and mighty proclamations of being above the desire for coitus and your lectures about how unsanitary it was, you go and do it until the morning after!" Raj shook his head, smirking.
Sheldon placed his bowl on the counter and addressed them all, his chin lifted haughtily. "Having already engaged in coitus last night, I have already welcomed all the pathogens native to Amy's body. Therefore, abstaining from further activity would be futile. As you men must tolerate chick flicks, karaoke, and shopping, and you woman must suffer the homunculus' tediousness, all for the primitive pleasure that comes with physical intimacy, so I must tolerate the exchange of substances and migration of microorganisms for the same. Now excuse me, I have to shower, the thought is making my skin crawl." He hightailed out of the kitchen, wriggling out of his layered shirts and gasping in a panic.
"Good God," Howard uttered. "First comes blind date, then comes coitus, then comes little Homo Novus overlords that will set death rays on our asses."
The cab reeked of cigarette smoke, but the driver had threatened to throw out Sheldon should he continue his lecture on the hazards of smoking so he kept quiet. He couldn't afford to be stranded en route to Amy's. He had already postponed his visit by several hours, for the purpose of drafting, printing, and binding the agreement cradled safely on his lap.
He fidgeted in his public transportation pants. It was as if he was a high school football player instead of a genius theoretical physicist with two doctorates. He knew the science of conception and knew the chances of getting Amy pregnant in the six months of their physical relationship were high. In between his impatience and her eagerness, they had been rather hit-and-miss with the use contraceptives.
It looked like one of those misses resulted in an entirely different hit.
He wanted to blame the fact that he was inexperienced and never even thought to engage in such activities in the first place. It was no good now though, Amy hated him for the vomiting, and the swelling, and her future of stretch marks.
"What did I have to go fertilize Amy Farrah Fowler for?" He muttered."She has an outstanding career in neurobiology, a pregnancy will only inconvenience her."
Though a rebellious little voice in his head was saying: "Good going, Sheldon Lee Cooper, you just accelerated the process of gifting mankind with your progeny."
A little Homo Novus, with his blue eyes, her irresistible smile and silky brown hair, and an intelligence that united and effectively exceeded theirs…
He shook his head vehemently; it was shameful to be fantasizing happily at his girlfriend's expense. Nevermind. His fingers gripped the edges of his agreement document. This would set things right for sure.
Sheldon alighted the cab, tucking the agreement under one arm, hurried to her door and proceeded with his signature:
Knock, knock, knock, "Amy."
Knock, knock, knock, "Amy."
Knock, knock, knock, "Amy."
"Amy, I'm… sorry," he said, nearly choking on the hardly used apology. "I would like you to know that I would do everything necessary to make your ordeal as painless as possible."
There was no response of any sort. He pulled out the key she had given him and unlocked the door, only to be met with resistance.
"I don't want to see you right now!" Amy grunted from behind the door she was blocking.
"You don't need to see me, you only need to hear me," he assured her. "As it would appear that you were standing behind the door since I knocked, you're off to a good start."
"Don't patronize me, Sheldon!"
"Amy, the Relationship Agreement has a clause for communication, and it allows for either party to express their thoughts and so-called feelings, especially those regarding issues of great significance to both parties. I daresay procreation would be the most significant issue we've had to deal with so far."
After a few moments, the door suddenly gave way and he stumbled in front of her. He winced at the redness and puffiness of her eyes.
"Speak," she commanded.
"As I have said, I would do everything necessary to make your ordeal as painless as possible—"
"What do you mean by that?" She snapped.
"I mean, I'm sorry about the inconvenience I have caused you and—"
"You think this is an inconvenience?"
Her green eyes were flickering with several different emotions, and inexplicably, there was anger in the mix. He hesitated. "Is that a trick question?"
"Just answer the question!"
"Well… your recent symptoms have doubtless been caused by your pregnancy and I can only imagine that the upcoming combination of vomiting in the morning and unusual cravings at night would be most problematic—"
"You think that's the problem?" She interrupted, frowning.
"No," he quickly said. "The real trouble is when the baby is born, a little incoherent bundle of gas and demands with no regard for schedules, playing when it should be eating, excreting when it should be dressing, crying when it should be sleeping—"
"You think the baby's the problem?" She yelled.
"Not the baby per se!" He yelped, desperate to appease her. "Rather, what the baby would entail, doubtless it would hinder the progress of your promising career, even if it's only in neurobiology—"
"Sheldon!" She broke into fresh sobs.
"I mean, I mean it's in the very significant field of neurobiology—you know I can't muster enthusiasm for your field when I'm under this much pressure!"
She rubbed at her eyes with balled-up fists; he wanted to grab her wrists to stop her, her eyes were already irritated enough as they were.
"In light of recent events, I have come up with a solution." He presented the document to her. "This is an addendum to the Relationship Agreement."
She shrieked unintelligibly and pushed him out of her apartment. "I call the 'Personal Space' clause in the Relationship Agreement stating that either party may request for unquestioned 'alone time' on a fortnightly basis."
"Very well," he generously conceded.
"So leave me alone!"
With that she slammed the door at his face.
Stunned, he listened as she shuffled, presumably to her room, her sobs becoming fainter.
"And after going through the trouble to make this." He flicked a finger at his document.
"Leonard, I must inform you of a recent development which will greatly affect our lives."
Leonard Hofstadter gave his roommate a short glance before returning to typing his paper on his laptop: "What is it Sheldon?"
Said Sheldon wrung his hands and paced across their living room, looking like a high-strung praying mantis with a Flash logo. "Amy Farrah Fowler has been fertilized with my sperm."
"Bazinga?" Leonard prompted.
"I wouldn't joke about this matter."
"You did once."
"That wasn't a joke, that was an experiment," Sheldon huffed indignantly. "And I assure you, this occasion isn't an experiment."
"Oh my God, she's really pregnant?" Leonard yelled.
"I have told you time and again—you really need to work on your listening skills."
"Okay…" Leonard exhaled. "Firstly, congratulations."
"Thank you." His roommate's anxious face broke into a genuine colon capital D, much warmer than his koala face.
"Then… what are your plans?"
"I know the Roommate Agreement calls for a set of procedures to break the cohabitation arrangement, but under the present circumstances… well… you see, I…." He squared his shoulders and said resolutely: "Amy and I are having a family so we need to make a home together."
Leonard held up his hands and grinned. "Hey, go ahead and do what's best."
"Thank you again. Please move out by the end of the week."
"What?" He sputtered. "I thought you were the one moving out—to move in with Amy!"
Sheldon snorted derisively. "Don't be ridiculous, I can't move out of this apartment, my spot is here."
"Then where am I going to live?"
"Most conveniently, across the hall lives the future acting teacher who, with her constant deficiency in rent money, would greatly benefit from a cohabitation arrangement with the future physics teacher she has recently reinstated a romantic relationship with." Sheldon opened their door and beckoned. "Let's tell her the good news."
Leonard gaped as the tall man disappeared. Then he heard it.
Knock, knock, knock, "Penny."
Knock, knock, knock, "Penny."
Knock, knock, knock, "Penny."
"Sheldon this is crazy," he cried, catching up to his future ex-roommate at the entrance of apartment 4B. "We only just started dating again, and I don't want—"
"You don't want what?"
He whirled around and saw his cheesecake-scented goddess cocking her pretty blond head, a thoughtful look on her face.
"Well you see, Sheldon here…"
Her eyes nearly bulged and her nostrils flared as she turned, seething, to his aforementioned friend, who had shrunk back.
"What did you do?"
"Amy's pregnant, my bad," Sheldon squeaked.
She punched him in the gut.
"Ow!" He staggered against the door of 4B.
She approached him menacingly, rolling up the sleeves of her waitress uniform. "Did you flake out on Amy because I told you before that I'd tell your mother if you two made babies?"
"N-No, I, I…"
"Amy said that you said that you didn't want the baby!" She screamed.
"Penny, Penny…" Leonard stepped between them, before his girlfriend could start beating up his best friend in earnest. "He wants Amy to move in so they can raise the baby and be family."
She paused. "Really?"
Sheldon nodded frantically.
"Although…" Leonard cleared his throat. "He wants me to ask to move in with you, since he intends to stay in 4A."
Penny opened her mouth, closed it again, then finally said: "Can you… hold on to that matter while we discuss something first?" She looked from him to his friend. "What are you going to do about Amy, Sheldon? You messed up really badly this time, she thinks you don't want her and the baby!"
Sheldon gave her a withering look. "Given that I entered into a Relationship Agreement with her and I reconsidered my stance against human contact for her, it should be obvious that I want Amy. As for the baby, why wouldn't I want it? It's a hyper-intelligent being that Amy and I would gift to humanity."
Leonard and Penny exchanged looks then both glared at Sheldon.
"Sheldon, it's a baby," he said.
"You better not experiment with Amy's kid," she said at the same time.
"Don't look at me like that, our little overlord is going to have a conventionally happy childhood with a nurturing yet sensible mother, a strict yet caring father, adoring grandmothers, birthday parties, Christmas presents, summer vacations, videogames, science fiction, home laboratories—though better, I daresay, since there would be no forced attendance to monotheistic rituals."
Leonard observed Sheldon as he made his declaration: his blue eyes were bright and clear, his voice matter-of-fact. A corner of Leonard's mouth quirked up in a smile. It was going to be alright.
Penny was frowning. "If you're okay with the baby and all that… then why was Amy crying and saying you didn't want it?"
Sheldon shrugged. "As a physicist, I'm ill-equipped to unravel the mysteries of the female mind and hormones."
"It appears that was a misunderstanding; it could be resolved with communication." Leonard said.
"So we're good here," Penny clarified. "The baby's great, and you didn't freak out because of what I said about telling your mother before?"
Sheldon spared her another withering look. "Please Penny, I had received news of my life-changing achievement with Amy, your immature threat involving my mother was the least of my concerns."
She beamed at Leonard, one hand clutching at his own and the other fanning at her watery eyes. "Our Shelly is growing up."
He beamed back at her. "It seemed like it was only yesterday when he was saying Amy's pregnant for a social experiment, and now it's true."
"When you two are quite done with your unmerited shows of pride over my own milestones, I require your assistance, Penny. Yours and Bernadette's."
"Now he's actually asking for help," she theatrically dabbed at the corners of her eyes.
"I wasn't asking, I was merely stating it as a necessity," Sheldon grumbled.
Amy nearly walked right out when she reached the table at the restaurant balcony and found their entire social group there, including Sheldon. But her girl friends grabbed her arms and steered her to the corner of the railing, next to Raj. He nodded mutely at her.
"This was supposed to be Girls' Night Out," she hissed at her BFFs.
"It's Anything Can Happen Thursday," Penny chirped. "The boys happened to come along Girls' Night Out."
Before she could complain, Bernadette dropped a cake box in her hands. "Cake isn't going to magically make things better—oh my goodness, I love strawberry cheesecake!"
Bernadette smiled sweetly. "We know you've been craving that lately…"
"Hello, Gorgeous," Howard ticked Bernadette's chin. "Hi Amy—"
The Indian guy poked his shoulder and whispered. He narrowed his eyes exasperatedly at his silent friend then said to Amy: "Raj says he would also like some cheesecake."
"Sure." She set the cake on the table.
Then suddenly, Sheldon was beside her, knife in hand. "Would you like to have that sliced?"
"Fine," she mumbled, not meeting his eyes.
"Leonard." He handed the knife to his roommate. The shorter man rolled his eyes but went to slicing the cake anyway.
"Since we're both here, I would like you to sign the addendum to the Relationship Agreement." On the table was his darned document. He slid it towards her hand.
She sighed and, without reading, flipped to the signature fields at the very end. She was in no mood to deal with his agreements and their clauses, or to argue against some addendum about banishing further contact or whatever it was.
When she had signed, he tucked the file under his arm like a security blanket and gawked at her quietly. "Now, since you already signed it, this question is mere formality: Amy Farrah Fowler, marry me." From his pocket he pulled out a small blue box that he opened to reveal a diamond ring.
She blinked. She opened her mouth, closed it, and repeated, feeling like a fish out of water.
"Marry me," he said again, much louder this time.
She glanced around, everyone was looking at her in anticipation. In Leonard's case, it was almost beseeching.
"That wasn't a question. And is this a Bazinga? Because I'm telling you right now, I won't be able to handle it with my surplus of hormones and increased mood swings." She warned.
He heaved his deliberately long-suffering sigh. "Amy, I spent an entire day with Penny and Bernadette choosing one crystallized carbon encrusted metal band among many similar ones, and it ends up worth my entire snake can and Green Lantern stash plus three months' worth of salary, after taxes. Even a whimsical prankster like me wouldn't spend that much time and money on a Bazinga—not when there are fictional space infrastructure to build in Lego or string theory related riddles to solve."
"Do I really have to explain why Lego and string theory is a more relevant use of my time than squinting at glass cases in a jewelry store?"
"No, not that… I mean, why do you want to marry?"
"Amy," he began firmly, "Since we're going to have a baby, we must do it the traditional way, as our mothers and my Meemaw would approve of. It would be scandalous for us to live together and raise the baby without getting married."
"Raise the baby..?" She clutched at her heart. "But… you don't want the baby."
"And I don't know from what universe you got that idea," he sulked. "Penny attacked me because she said that you said that I said that I didn't want the baby, and I never said that."
"You said you were sorry, and it was an inconvenience…"she tilted her head, confused.
"Well I really am sorry, I would've preferred for the baby to have come at a more suitable time for you, in a premeditated fashion, rather than because I was too hasty," he mumbled. "And despite advances in modern medicine, pregnancy remains fraught with unpleasant symptoms which cannot be relieved—I can only hope that doting on you would make it less insufferable."
"You don't actually not want the baby?"
"In other universes, Sheldon Lee Cooper would be a diligent condom user, but I assure you, not in any one of them does Sheldon Lee Cooper not want a baby with Amy Farrah Fowler."
She felt moisture brimming in her eyes and emotion bubbling in her chest; she sniffed—at the same time as Raj.
"Don't ruin their moment!" Howard shushed, jabbing an elbow at his best friend's side. Raj whispered to him, and he muttered: "I know it's Sheldon's version of an epic romance declaration, but don't cry, cowdammit!"
"Amy." Sheldon peered at her, his brow furrowed with anxiety. "You're not responding, are you okay? Are you feeling any discomfort?"
She bit her lip, hard. It hurt. "Oh my God…"
"Is that a yes?" Leonard inquired hopefully.
"Told him to put the ring in the cake," Penny scoffed.
"That's both unhygienic and hazardous—jewelry in food could just as well end with a hospital visit instead of an engagement," Sheldon retorted.
"Thank you for not putting it in the food," Amy said, relieved. She threw her arms around him. Then she took his face between her hands and kissed him. Then she hugged him again. "I'm hormonal, I'm allowed excessive PDA, aren't I?"
At first, he had stiffened in her arms, but he now relaxed. "You're pregnant and I'm the baby daddy, social protocol indicates that I must cater to your every whim." He lightly stroked along her hairline with the back of his hand holding the ring then poised it before her left hand ring finger. "I'm placing you in a state of eternal dibs. All those in favor?"
Everyone raised their hands… except for one.
"Raj!" Bernadette screeched.
He pouted then whispered to Howard, who relayed: "And I quote, 'but this means that Sheldon, of all people, is an engaged daddy and I can't even get a girlfriend.'"
"Your predicament is hereby categorized under 'I don't care,'" Sheldon declared. "And the motion is passed."
"For cow's sake, did she say yes?" Leonard implored. "I'm the one who has to deal with his reaction if he turns out rejected."
Penny flung an arm around her boyfriend's shoulders, grinning fondly. "Amy, please put my man out of his misery."
"Yes," Amy confirmed, wriggling her left hand expectantly at her fiancé.
"It's not as if you could've said no, you already signed the Engagement addendum," Sheldon said, slipping the ring on her finger.
Author's Notes: I want to be reincarnated as the Shamy's baby, swear to cow. This is the sequel to "The Relationship Amendment." Hope you enjoyed it.