"You were the one I hated the most"


Alternian bars were the last place you liked to go to forget about shit, while your blood color was low it wasn't so much your yellow blood that made people freak the fuck out and (there was nothing more annoying that being looked at oddly, your own paranoia always tried to think on the positive side, but fuck if that wasn't denial.) Stare at your smoking psionic eyes.

But you had taken up to wearing a hood and small sleek goggles, that were tinted, just so you could get a fucking drink and sit in the back of a bar and listen to people yammer around you, it was a nice change from the shitty job you did, (though working from your hive is the best feeling ever, phone calls with douche bag bluebloods not withstanding) your horns were itching under the fabric of the black hood, and you reached up under it to rub at your smaller horn, your other hand holding the strongest liquor that the green-blooded bartender knew a yellow-blood could handle.

You looked around the interior of the bar, a few high-bloods talking at the main bar, one of them kept glancing back over at you looking through a small table of other trolls, gawking at you at random intervals he obviously didn't know you were looking over at them, this is hardly a new event most high bloods naturally started hating you quickly, (you'd find it romantic if you weren't interested at all in filling any of your quadrants) but after a very uneventful duel (which consisted more of them shocked and surprised that you were beyond the normal psychic abilities and realizing how hasty they had tried jumping into your spade) that always left you empty and apathetic. It was difficult to tell if the purple-blooded troll was waxing black, but it was clear he was interested in something.

Yet even though he takes short glances (you couldn't see much of him and that bothered you, it was difficult to get a good look at someone only through your peripheral) and sometimes says something to the gaggle of other high-bloods around him he doesn't make a move the whole night, you get down your fourth (sixteenth?) drink the psionic energy eating up most of it in a throbbing thrum of silent electric popping in your stomach, you aren't even half buzzed and you quietly send all your loathing at the bartender who denied you the highest grade of drink, fearing you couldn't handle it, but you had a suspicion that it was just more blood color bullshit.

Getting out of your booth with minimal amounts of people interrupting your quiet time ("do you come here often?" "Yes. You are not the firtht to athk. Go away.") you make to the front of the bar, passing by the troll who had been staring at you, his back is rigid and you can't help the silent curiousity at what he would have said to you, (Hate advances, Red ones? You only ever got the more black, since people in bars were miserable anyway) you glance at him as you walk behind him, and spot two gills flutter.

A sea dweller, there was no way he was interested in you; a land dweller then, his other gaggle of bitches were also sporting fins, which only made it obvious that his stares were most likely somewhere along the lines of, 'look at that freak sitting all alone, how fucking sad. What a waste of space.'

You remember why you only go out to drink yourself dumb only once a month, cause it always lead to you not even buzzed, and feeling more down on yourself than you had felt before. You wish that Karkat had been around, but with his blood color he had wondered off the grid, leaving you only wondering if he was alright. You feel only slightly better that Nepeta had followed him, and you wish that you could have gone with him.

Eight sweeps after Sburb and Karkat had been gone the moment his red eyes came to fruition, it still hurts you somewhere pale, and deep that he'd leave you without saying anything, and you still wait for his trollian to log on, to tell you he was alright.

For him to ask you to run away with him to a place that matters, a place that isn't a stinky bar in a mixed city, that was created by an even busier older friend. You miss Feferi, on a level that you aren't sure of, she tries her hardest to keep in contact, but with all the rally's and attempts to unite the land dwellers (while being a sea dweller, which only put her on the hot seat to two troll races) under one peaceful flag it was just too hard and too strenuous for her to keep in contact.

You had gotten fairly acquainted with her secretary, a nice brown blood, with a flair for the dramatic, but you know most of your messages make it to Feferi.

"Excuse me."

You are out the door before the small blue-blooded sea dweller could say more, she was obviously getting ready to say something retarded, and with your stomach buzzing and your head getting ready to split open you could care less.

She doesn't follow, but you hear the sound of bubbles popping inside, and it makes you smile, Feferi would usually start her glubbing whenever you'd start being your usual shitty self her face would scrunch up and it would be the cutest most perturbed stare ever.

You wonder how beautiful her eyes have gotten.

"Hey, you asshole my friend was tryin' to talk to you!"

Why had everyone stopped logging into trollian? Was it really that hard for them to log in and not fine the humans on, you had felt like you lost so much more when KK had stopped coming on, no one cared about no one anymore. You had the sinking feeling that you'd never see any of them again.

"Hey!"

Someone grabs your shoulder, and with a lethargic turn you size up whoever it is that is talking to you, they are the same height as you, and before you can even think of an insult, the big purple eyes that are behind a set of stupid trendy shades stops you.

You know those purple fins, and that stupid purple streaked hair, the sharp set of those always critical eyes, how he's just staring at you like you were some douche bag that turned him down for an innocent dance.

The girl is beside him and you turn to her, her face blue and her eyes staring at him pleading, she may have told him not to bother when you walked out onto the street, and now in the cold autumn night he's making a scene.

Typical Eridan.

"Hello you asshole," You look around you slowly, before he rolls his eyes hands going to his hips haughtily, "yeah, I'm talkin' to you," She's tugging on his arm and looking at you in a silent apology.

You take the time to look him over, Eridan had grown much, and you are surprised to notice he'd gotten over his stutter, though his scarf was still bright and fucking gaudy looking, aside from it you had to admit that it was nice to see a familiar face, even if his chin was far more pronounced and his eyes looked even harder than when he was six sweeps.

His voice you were finding to be annoying though (no matter how deeper and richer it had gotten) as he huffed at you and raised both his eyebrows, like you owed him words.

You looked over at the smaller sea dweller though her gorgeous blue eyes widening at you, she could not see your own, but you made it obvious you were looking at her, with a two-fanged smile you reached for her hand, "I apologithe for my mannerth, I'm Tholluth Captor."

You made sure to hiss as much as possible, it always turned off the higher class, and you had a dark sort of delight in seeing their faces pinch in, 'you serious?' mode, like they want to slap you for being so goddamn nerdy.

Eridan gasped hard and recoiled as if you had reached for his hand; she pulled a slight confused face and then giggled outright, "what is wrong with your mouth?"

You smiled wider as she took your hand shaking once before pulling away and folded her arms over her chest, (clear sign that she was either cold or losing interest quickly, you prayed for the latter, you just wanted to get home) you retract your hand and shove it into your poncho/hoodie.

"I thwollowed a bag of thnaketh." You refuse to look at Eridan who had grown so quiet you were sure he was holding his breath, he probably was shocked out his mind, or he just didn't care enough about you to say more.

It stung, but you weren't expecting much in your next meeting with the sea dweller after how things were left at the end of the game.

She's laughing at that nervously, and you nod to them both as if you just made a business transaction and walked off, you barely take two steps before someone is on your back, and clinging to you like a fucking leech. You know it's not her, and the fact that the person is your height and has their face pressed hard into your neck makes it obvious that it is Eridan.

"Sol." He says in a warble, and you feel your knees bend at how broken he sounds, and that's what you wanted, you wanted someone from your fucking past to give a fuck that you were you, you wanted FF to message you and tell you how much she missed laying in piles with you and talking about everything, you wanted KK to call you back; tell you that you were a pretty fucking okay friend if not a great one, you wanted AA to not be gone forever, you wanted to go up to her and feel her hair against your fingers.

You wanted any of those things, all of those things.

You never expected it from Eridan, you never really wanted anything from Eridan, and you never thought Eridan would ever give a shit.

But the quivering sea troll pressed against you like you were someone important was proof that he did.

You swallow hard and you know he felt it, cause he just clings to you tighter his arms cinching together against your chest, and you can hear the blue-blooded girl worrying and fretting at Eridan, asking why he was freaking out, but she didn't matter. Trying to turn was difficult as the other troll growled at you much like he had when he saw you with Feferi, but once he saw you turning towards him he knew you weren't breaking away.

He loosened his hold and you twisted towards him your own arms wrapping around his waist as he clung to you like a dying man.

"Where have you been?" He's whispering it against the thick hooded fabric you can feel a fin fluttering and you used to find it annoying when Fef's would do the same, but right now being held and being remembered, and by the least likely person of all makes you suck it up and just hold him back.

You wish you were drunk because all the years of no contact with any of them is making you fall apart, and he's just holding you.

"Sol, where have you been?" He tries again a bit louder, he tries to pull away to look at you, but you can't handle it, even if you are covered everywhere but your nose and lips, you can't handle him seeing you right now, so you clutch tighter, claws in his lower back and you shake your head furiously.

"Sol… where have you been?" He says harder, and he's not shaking anymore, just holding you back and you wish he was back to being shocked and overwhelmed with emotions, cause you just can't seem to get your cool back, your head is throbbing from the psionics and you are suddenly focused on all the sounds of the dead in your vicinity.

You know he'll fight away from you if you don't say something soon, so you say softly, and you know you must sound like a pathetic little wriggler, and damn that's a terrible impression to put on the people that are watching a yellow-blood and a purple-blood hugging like grubs in the street but you can't fucking put that on the list of things that matter right now, "I don't know."

It's the worst you've ever felt, like if you say it, you'd be admitting how fucking lost and alone you've been, like you were telling the goddamn world that you were nothing, and while working and drinking had stopped you from saying it, it sure as hell didn't stop you from feeling like you've just been coasting off of a hang-over, just going through the motions until you'd be normal and stable.

He sighs tenderly and you aren't sure what to think of it, because this is Eridan, the last talk you both had was filled with him still starting shit up over Feferi, how a worthless pissblood like you could ever think to get royalty, how you had laughed at him, not at all hurt cause he was just being a pissy ex that never really got over her. You told him that you'd never take him on as a Kismesis, not with how little you gave a shit, and he had told you that he doubted you'd be a decent black partner anyway.

It was left at that, and then you'd all won the game, and then no one turned on their trollian, just you, alone.

You aren't sure how long you both stand there, the blue-blood whispers to Eridan, who whispers something back to her, but you just don't fucking care, you are just so empty, and full, and you just want to get frozen in this moment of someone caring.

Of him caring.

But it was foolish to think it would last as he tugged away, forcing you to grudgingly let him go as well, you could only thank the goggles for stopping your small amount of tears from slipping, he's still staring at you and he's frowning hard, but the hard eyes that had been staring at you before had softened drastically.

How different people look at strangers and those they know.

"Do you still talk to fef?" He doesn't have that look he always got, the jealous one that meant he was ready to punch you if you so much as laugh, or agree that yes Feferi was flushed for you, and not him.

You are glad to see he at least was in control of his attraction to her, if not completely over her, you sigh and his shoulders loosen at the sound of your exasperation, "I try, but the'th alwayth too buthy."

His lips quirk and you can just tell he's about to insult you, "Jeez Sol, I mean, you sounded like a dork when we were young, but I'm gonna have to say you sound tho much wothre now."

You aren't sure why that makes you smile, you hate when people make fun of your voice, but god if it wasn't refreshing to hear Eridan talking shit to you, "I can control it, it just took a lot of time, and I'm a bit too buzzed to bother."

He looks impressed at that, but before he can reply there is a group of lowbloods barreling through them and towards the bar like a pack of hoofbeasts, you glare at them, and Eridan says something scathing.

Then you realize how fucking awkward this could get, "it's good to see you well I guess."

He understands what you are meaning by your words and he shakes his head and is frowning, "fuck you, Sol, I've been tryin' to get in contact with all of you, and so far the only one that had the time of day to tell me they wanted nothing to do with me was, Vris."

You remember talking to her, and with a grimace you remember how quickly you had kicked her out of your hive, she had tried to get a hold of the other's as well, and you had kind of felt bad that she couldn't find Tavros, but fuck if you were Tavros you would have moved your hive quicker than a cluckbeast shits itself.

"If that were true why doesn't anyone log into Trollian?"

He looks at you oddly then, rearranging his scarf, "I can't log into my Trollian, it says I don't have administrative passwords or some glubbin' nonsense."

"Oh." You had gotten through the password within twenty minutes of being back in your hive, how the hell did you manage to forget that not everyone was as computer savvy as you?

"Yeah, oh. But that's nothin' now, where do you live, I'm tired of standin' out here."

You are nodding your head at him feeling just as uncomfortable in the middle of the sidewalk, "I live not far from the bar."

"Come here often?"

"Yes." You laugh at that, and he doesn't really get it, but he follows you anyway, his lips tilting upward.

You figure he must have felt just as lonely as you had.

It makes you feel better for turning into a mess.

You step into his apartment slowly as he tugs off his hood, his hair hadn't changed much aside from being just a tad longer, his horns pointer than before , but it's his eyes that really strike you, they are sharper in his age, slanted and sleek and different from the wide-eyed doe look he had when he was younger.

Well not so much doe as in just blown wide.

The always there crease between his eyebrows is there, but there's a softness to his face even in the sharp angles of his jaw line and cheekbones. Sollux may have been legging it alone without his friends around but you could not deny that the sweeps had been good to him physically.

You aren't surprised to see the kitchen in a red and blue theme, while the living room has some yellows mixed up with a few light orange and brown tones, it's a nice difference from the bright blues and purples you see at all your friends parties, and you go to sit in a brown chair as he goes to get some alcohol. You are not sure if it's a smart move to drink but you aren't the host, and you take the offer cause it's glubbin' polite.

"I don't have what you like, so don't worry if you think I'm trying to get you wasted."

You shake your head at him from the kitchenette area, and he smiles, you try to not stare at bi-colored eyes, but after not seeing them for so long you can't help but keep finding them trailing across them.

"It was always so hard to tell which direction you were glubbin' lookin' in." You say as he hands you a glass of brown liquid, you can smell the alcohol but it had some undertone of sweetness to it, "what's in here?"

"Cranberries," He says as he sits on the loveseat across from you, one hand holding the drink the other rubbing at his horns in agitation. You were surprised he had them covered that long in the bar, and felt ten times more stupid for not right off the bat noticing it was him. Even though he was decked out like an assassin.

"You can tell where I am looking now; the pigments on my pupil are lighter." He says again, and you lean in to look but he just grins at you leaning back further in his seat, you frown and he doesn't even act perturbed by your obvious unrest, "glad to see you've grown up, all manly and protecting your little matesprite with your rays of attitude."

"Sabena isn't my matesprite, she's a friend."

He nods and chews on the inside of his lip at that, you aren't sure what the gesture means but he doesn't press you more about her.

"When's the last time you talked to anyone?" You ask instead, and that heavy feeling you both had felt on the street is back and circling the room like a predator.

"FF, she had come by… god." He looks up and to the left and holds himself there like a statue, as he tries to remember, "four sweeps ago, came to pile up and tell me about how hard it was to do what she was doing, I offered to help and she flat out refused. Said that my blood wasn't even the issue, she didn't want anyone trying to get on me for my psionics."

You nod at that, because it sounded like something she'd do, after that first time she had come back from the dead and saw you, she had beaten you near death all over again, it was obvious that she cared about Sollux, and even though it had hurt at the time to see that, it felt good to know it now.

"You'd bring all the wrong publicity."

He frowns at that, "thanks for the point for confidence."

"They'd just think you were some tank she's point at people should they say no to her cause, Sol." You try to rationalize, cause while you may have always talked about yourself and only yourself during the game you had spent an awful lot of time pining and trying to re-get her, to gain her trust back.

Feferi would never put Sollux in a position to get hurt, or to hurt someone.

"She wants to protect everyone, even the douche bags that just want her culled."

You both slide off from that conversation, and try for something lighter just to get the sick feeling of lose out of your guts. Sollux tells you about his job how insufferable and a waste of space all of the block heads that run the firm are, how you he's the only one that's any good with the stocks, and services, how much time he puts into it, and how little he gives a shit that they are all starting to hate him for going above and beyond his duty.

He gets a sick pleasure at knowing that he's the youngest troll on Alternate- Stock that knows more about what he is doing than the guys that sign his pay check.

You tell him about all the artwork you've done, how you've done a lot of high profile showcases and that you pretty much knew from the first painting that this was what you wanted to do with your life, how it helped you to express your feelings without piling them on other people for your own selfish reasons. Cause you had been a selfish wriggler most your life.

He asks you what you've drawn, but you withhold that, you had gone under an alias and had not told anyone which paintings were yours, the air of mystery helped your business as well, and you felt like you had won a contest when you spotted message boards dedicated to finding you, and all the speculation on your gender and blood color.

Your favorite to this day was the thought that you were a rainbow drinker that lived in the woods, and you were a young just out from his lusus' place with the brightest shade of green blood. You had wished more than anything to show it to Kanaya, but with no means to contact her you only felt a pang of lose after reading it.

You still loved that the Condesce had one of your more extravagant and large pieces in her castle, one that you had drawn a month after you had started painting, the feeling expressed was hard to describe, but you had thought of all that time you had spent fighting the angels, and how alone you felt surrounded by them.

At some point he starts to talk about Karkat, and you can feel just how deeply he missed the loud asshole, so you listen, while the two of you weren't lying in a pile you still felt like a moirail, and you weren't sure how to feel about it, it came natural even if this was Sollux.

After years of being the needy troll he had been, it made him more aware of himself, and those around him, and from the tired look on Sol's face you knew that this was the first time he had even spoken honestly to anyone in a long time.

Probably not since Feferi.

You both wind down, eyes dropping and heads leaning to the sides as you both try to just bask in being around someone who understood what you went through, and that you both were still around, still listening.

The silence stretched so long you had started to doze off.

Sol's soft but sandy voice broke you from your sleep spell, "Ed."

"Yeah?" You feel a swell at the nickname, and you realize that this whole time you had missed how it sounded.

"I miss everyone."

"…"

He rolls his head to look at the ceiling, his chest rising and falling slowly, "I miss everyone tho much."

His lisp doesn't escape your notice, and you realize that he's getting tired, and that you are dangerously close to just passing out on each other, "me too, Sol. I miss them too."

He's looking at you now, lazy and down his nose that's still pointing to the ceiling, and his eyes are dimmer than before, "I missed you too."

You can't help it, your mouth curls soft and genuine, and god you didn't know you needed to know that (you matter too, even through all of it someone cared, someone missed you, someone wanted to see you again) until he said it, and it tingles your spine, and hits you in the chest hard, making your heart pump a bit faster than it was moments before.

"I missed you too, Sol."


I really don't even know, hopefully someone liked this or at the least understood it, thanks for reading!