Disclaimer: I do not own KotOR.
A/N: This is a birthday present for the supremely hilarious, shockingly prolific, and highly talented Sarah1281. Happy birthday! Her request was Revan/Malak.
My roommate, SpeedDemon315, helped because she too loves Sarah1281 and wishes her a happy birthday. :D
"There is no length of love letter that will ever result in my sleeping with you."
Malak scowled. Not an easy task, considering he had an inflexible metal jaw. Despite its lack of movement, Revan had personally always found it to be surprisingly expressive. She watched as he tossed the full datapad—and those things had a lot of memory— over his shoulder.
"What about my poem, then?"
She waved a hand dismissively, returning to her paperwork. It was surprising how much filing was involved in becoming the Evil Lord of all Evilness. You would think that destroying planets would reduce the workload placed upon the destroyer. Apparently not. Who would she have to destroy to make being Dark Side less work?
Malak cleared his throat. "Okay. Here it is. My poem. Don't make fun of it because it perfectly expresses my feelings for you. I think it captures your exquisite beauty and infinite grace even better than my 400-page letter. By the way, I didn't appreciate you falling asleep during the 'your eyes are like' subsection of my description of your face."
Revan ignored him.
Apparently oblivious to this, Malak went on to recite his very-well-thought-out and eloquent piece of work, "Dark side is red,/ Light side is blue,/ I really can't wait/ to be in bed with you."
"That perfectly expresses your feelings for me, all right," she agreed.
"You think so, too?" he gushed. "So now you'll sleep with me!"
"For the last time, I didn't go Dark Side with you because it would allow us to have sex. I did it so that I would be able to use Force Lightening and Force Choke and go on killing sprees and talk in movie theaters."
He paused for a long moment. "...So you acknowledge that we can, in fact, have sex."
"Go away. I have to fill out these Evil Deed Permission Request forms. Or don't you want to bomb the hell out of Manaan now that we're done with it?"
"I really do," Malak agreed.
"Good. So leave me alone."
Malak drooped and slumped away, pausing only to take a long, impassioned sniff of Revan's hair.
She had almost, almost finished the paperwork, but even with her Force-improved ability to concentrate, her eyes were starting to cross. Her head drooped more and more until she was forced to admit to herself that it wasn't all going to get done that night.
Reluctantly, pen lingering in her hand, dotting the Shens and crossing the Forns as she stood up, she slowly pulled herself away from her work.
Dragging her protesting body in the direction of her room, she was displeased— but not entirely unsurprised— to find a trail of Dromund Kaas White Flower petals starting at her door.
Knowing she'd never hear the end of it if she didn't take the bait, Revan followed the trail, making sure to crush the petals under her boots as she went. She cringed as she opened the door, certain that she wasn't ready for whatever she was going to find in there...
And she was right. No amount of preparation in the world could have primed her to see Malak sprawled out on his bed, a bottle of Tarisian Ale the only thing covering his manly parts and whipped cream the only other thing he was wearing—and then only on his nipples— his body slicked with oil, handcuffs on the pillow next to his head.
"Are you a Jedi, baby?" he purred, "because the Force is strong in this one."
"Goodnight!" she said loudly, and turned on her heels and walked away as quickly as possible.
Well, she wasn't tired anymore. Might as well go finish the paperwork.
Another day, another form. Revan looked down at the brand-new pile of disclaimers, waivers, and declarations she was expected to have done by tomorrow. How any Sentient could keep up with this was a mystery to her. Also? It didn't take her Force sensitivity for her to know that Malak was standing right behind her. She could actually feel his body heat.
"You," she said decisively, "are excruciatingly annoying. You really need to give me some space."
"I can't do that," Malak said seriously.
"Is it because you've abandoned the idea of sexing me up and have instead decided to build our friendship by spending time with me?"
"No it is not."
"Is it because you've abandoned the idea of sexing me up and have instead decided to observe a master form-filer doing what she does best?"
"Is it because you've abandoned the idea of sexing me up and have instead decided to save credits by turning down the heat on the ship, so now you're cold and have decided to stand close to me for warmth?"
"Have you abandoned the idea of sexing me up?"
"I have not."
Revan sighed. "May I ask, then, why you refuse to leave at this particular moment?"
"You'll find out soon enough."
She was fairly certain she didn't want to know, but she also knew that she wouldn't be able to avoid it, hard as she may try. Unfortunately, Malak wasn't actually stupid.
He was also generally true to his word and she did, in fact, find out soon enough. Possibly sooner than she would have preferred, because the next time she looked up from her paperwork there were four Rodians in red and white stripes and little flat hats standing in front of her.
"Revan..." one sang.
"Revan..." another added, a major third above the first singer.
"Oh Force... stop..."
But the barbershop quartet could not be halted.
"I'm going to beat you to death," Revan informed Malak.
"Oh look! A gizka! You know, on some planets, a Gizka crossing your path is an omen that you're about to have really great sex!"
Revan threw up her arms and stormed away from the singing Rodians and the unrelenting Malak.
The next day, Revan noticed that Malak seemed down. Seeing this, she knew he must actually be wallowing in the blackest of miseries, because for her to notice that he was feeling something he had to be pretty much on the floor in tears. And then point it out to her.
"Okay, I'll bite. What's wrong?" she asked finally.
"You're never going to sleep with me."
"If you think back, at no point did I actually say I would never sleep with you."
He perked up. "Really?"
"I'm pretty confident I never said it."
"Wait, so there's a chance?"
"Of course there is. You're pretty much the only guy around. I'm sure there's something you could do that would successfully get me into bed with you. It just turns out that flower petals and barbershop quartets aren't it."
"What is it, then?" he demanded. "I've tried every single way I know! I even looked up some new ways!"
"I knew you would never think of the barbershop quartet on your own!"
"I've written you love letters, insightful poems, I've referenced obscure cultures, I even drugged your food last week, but nothing worked!"
"You drugged my food?"
"I just don't think there's anything left."
"I'm sure there's something," Revan repeated, comfortingly. She watched him as his face went contemplative and he began to stroke his metal jaw in thought.
She jumped to her feet. "Like that. Let's go." Without further explanation, Revan seized Malak hard by the wrist and dragged him in the direction of her quarters.
Wisely, Malak didn't question it.