Confessions of a Stalkoholic

Summary: "Hi, my name is Sakura Haruno, and I'm a stalkoholic."

Rated: T

Pairings: Sasusaku, ShikaIno

Disclaimer: I don't own Naruto. It sucks, but I don't.


Chapter 4

So let's summarize, shall we? In the space of a week, I:

Enlisted in a therapy with a bunch of creepers.

Was bitched at by my therapist.

Went to the party of the year, apparently, and barely remember any of it.

Made out with my life's obsession and supposed soulmate at said party.

Broke up with said soulmate/obsession, even though we weren't actually going out (actually, in my mind we were, but that's a minor detail).

And to top it off, I have detention for a month with a bunch of druggies (I'm assuming. I watch too many movies).

So, yeah, life's friggin' great.

Fantastic, really.

That was sarcasm.


In all honesty, I probably should've been upset with Sasuke.

I probably should've been the pissed off kickass heroine who marched right up to the (totally sexy) butthead and handed him his ass.

Or I could've been the annoying, sniveling, whiny, my-life-is-over fangirl who locks herself in the bathroom and writes on the stall door about how she and the (still sexy) butthead are meant to be (Um…vandalism much?).

But in all honesty, I felt the same as always, because in all my plans for Sasuke and my future, I always looked over one tiny little detail: I didn't know him.

I thought I knew everything about Sasuke, but I really don't know anything about him at all.

And so how could I be upset?

No. There's only one thing to do about Sasuke, and it's probably the first mature decision I've made in my entire life: I get to know him.

See? That's called progress!

It shouldn't be hard. I have almost all my classes with Sasuke. He's a smartie like me!

I picked up my phone and dialed Ino's number. She picked up on the last ring. "Hi!" she chirped, sounding abnormally cheery. "How're you feeling, sweetie? I heard about Sasuke."

I groaned. "Of course you did. That's actually why I called. What are you doing right now?"

There was a long pause on the other end of the line. "I'm, um, at a… friend's house."

Now that didn't make any sense. I glanced at my watch. It was one a.m. "Really?"



There was another break of silence. "You don't… know him." Ino's tone was cautious, as if searching for the right words. She was obviously lying to me. But why?

I decided to give her the benefit of the doubt, as little as that was. "Ooooohkay." I said. "Pick me up a little early tomorrow?"

"You got it!" she sang, her voice annoyingly high-pitched.

"Okay, bye." I said, scrunching my eyebrows together.


I was about to end the call when I heard Ino's sigh of relief on the other end. "That was awful." she said, to a baritone voice responded with a sarcastic "totally". Ino must've forgotten to hang up! This was the perfect opportunity to find out what was going on, and I sure as hell wasn't going to pass it up. I forced my breathing to be as quiet as possible as I strained to hear what she said next.

"I hate lying to her!" she whimpered.

"Why don't you just tell her, then?" the lower voice responded. I could've sworn I had heard it before. "You're going to tell her eventually, right?"

"Of course! It's just… not yet."

"Why not?" the other voice asked sharply. "Are you ashamed of me?"

Ino hastily responded. "No! It's nothing like that! Now's just not the right time. She's got a lot of stuff going on."

The male (or very boyish-sounding female) snorted. "Yeah. Her life's a tragedy."

There was a beat of silence. Then a sigh. "Ino, what are we doing?"

"I don't know." she said. "But I do know that your parents aren't home, I'm not wearing a shirt, and you're looking pretty damn sexy yourself. So are you going to ravish me into oblivion or what?"

He chuckled, then muttered a low, sensual, "get over here" and Ino giggled.

Pants and moans started flowing through the receiver, and as first I didn't understand what I was listening to. Then I heard Ino cry breathlessly, "Oh, Shika!" and I definitely got the message.

I'm sure I was blushing redder than Riding Hood's coat as I scrambled to press the end call button.

Oh. My. God.

So Ino was secretly sneaking around with a guy nicknamed Shika.

A grin spread across my face. I was so using this as blackmail one day!

I closed my eyes, snuggled under the covers and dreamed of Sasuke.


The next morning, after yanking a brush through my hair and pouring myself a bowl of Cocoa Puffs, Ino arrived on my doorstep, looking exhausted. I tried not to smirk.

"Morning, Sleeping Beauty!" I greeted her. Inwardly, I laughed at my own joke. I crack myself up sometimes. "Sleep well?"

I couldn't keep a smile off my face as I noticed her flash of panic, before she laughed. "Yup!" she said nervously.

"I'll bet." I responded, wanting so badly to shake her until she told me all the intimate details. Instead I just poured her a cup of coffee and got down to business. "So," I began, looking her straight in the eye. "You are going to help me win my darling little Sasucakes over. Any ideas?"

Ino choked on her Kona blend.

"I'll take that as a no."


I kept my head down most of the day at school, taking notes and keeping quiet like the good schoolgirl my mama raised me to be. By the end of the day, no one was giving me the stink-eye or the look-of-pity anymore. The new scandal on campus was Suigetsu and Karin's illicit hookup. Frankly, I was over the moon about it. The two deserved each other.

I'd call them both pigs, but I happen to think pigs are rather cute. So I'll settle for slutty bastards instead.

Those slutty bastards.

It wasn't until the dismissal bell rang that anything eventful actually happened. I shoved my way onto the bus, bumping into approximately, oh, everything. I hated public transportation. Buses were smelly and gross and everyone looks like they're going to molest you. But of course, Ino has cheerleading after school every day, so she can't give me a ride.

Sure enough, I noticed two boys a year younger than me smoking in the back, sniggering and staring at my chest.

Ew. Like I would ever offer up my merchandise to either of them! Didn't they have somewhere to be? Like, I don't know, detention or something?

Then I remembered. Shiznit!

I pushed through the aisle, swearing under my breath and earning myself a few choice words in return from the bus driver himself when I stuck my foot right in between the closing door. "I need to get off!" I pleaded desperately. He just flicked me off and waved his other free hand, then opened the door and all but rammed me out. He sped away faster than you can say "asshole".

"Love you too." I said sarcastically.

Hiking my backpack over my shoulder, I trudged to the detention center.

Three hours with instigators? Great.

I plunked into a seat in the back and tried to turn invisible.

The next thirty seconds were Hell. With a bunch of big, angry looking kids wearing leather jackets and filing their nails with knives, I felt like I was drowning in stereotypes.

My salvation came in the form of an orange jumpsuit.

"Hey!" he exclaimed, causing way too much unwanted attention for my taste with that ridiculously loud voice of his. "You're Sakura, right?"

"That's my name." I replied tiredly.

Everyone knows Naruto. Not only is he loud and always causing a scene, he's just a genuinely nice guy. He's friends with anyone and everyone, and he's that kind of person that you can't help but smile around.

He's also Sasuke's best friend.

I can see why they work so well together. They perfectly balance each other's personalities. Naruto gets Sasuke to loosen up, to some extent, and Sasuke gets Naruto to stop being an idiot, to some extent. This one time-

Oh my God.

Naruto is Sasuke's best friend.

It was perfect! All I needed was to recruit Naruto into Operation Sasukcakes, as I had so dubbed it, and then hello, honeymoon!

"Wait, you're that girl, aren't you? The one Sasuke made out with at the party?"

I grimaced. "The very same."

"Bastard!" he yelled.

I beamed. I was starting to really like this guy. "I'm glad you think so."

And that's how it all began… (cue the DUN DUN DUN)


A/N: I'm not as happy as I could be with this, but honestly it was time to update, so hopefully this'll tide you over until I can release another chappy. Also, I HAVE ANOTHER STORY COMING OUT! And I already have like 5 chapters written, so there won't be any long waits for a while. It's a oneshot collection and I'm kindasortamaybe really proud of it. Also, I have a SECOND NEW STORY COMING OUT! More on that in my new story (should be out tomorrow, but no promises). So... review and you can be my bestfriend! And it's always nice to make a new friend. :)