AN: Beware, crackfic. It may scare you a little bit :-) OH, also - this obviously isn't a song-fic, but I recommend you listen to "Shut up and Sleep with me" by Sin With Sebastian (awesome band name, I know) while you read this. It'll get you in the mood^^ ~Aly

Sebastian was milling around the manor, dusting aimlessly at invisible dust. Grell was occupying himself by clawing at the front doors, screaming, "Bassy, my love~!" at the top of his/her lungs. Pluto was frolicking in a meadow somewhere with a bunny. The other household servants were at the local Twilight Convention (Finny was a loyal Team-Edward-Member, and would bitch slap anyone who'd try to convince him otherwise). Everyone genuinely seemed content enough, except for one, blue-haired, eye-patched little boy.

Sebastian cartwheeled sexily to Ciel's elegant study, and walked briskly into the room. He announced in a purr, "My lord, lunch will be served momentarily."

Ciel was on the carpeted floor, rocking shakily in a fetal position. His eyes were big and bloodshot - his hair was out of place, and his clothes were horribly wrinkled. It looked like he'd seen something terrible, like Paris Hilton, or porn, or something. He also seemed to be whispering profanities under his breath, with the occasional random, loud burst of "No, Santa Claus, the peanut butter doesn't go there!"

The butler smiled warmly and whispered, "I'll come back later." he proceeded to somersault out of the room, winking in a seductive way to no one in particular.

Much later, the black-haired man was fixing his gorgeous hair in a glossy mirror (gotta look sexy for the fangirls), when Alois appeared out of nowhere. He was wearing a Justin Beiber t shirt (it contained Justin's face and bubbly pink letters that declared, "I am a Beleiber!") and a bright purple tutu.

"Hey, Sebastian, have you noticed anything fuc- erm, messed up about Ciel lately?" Alois snickered, remembering something he'd seen on Spongebob earlier that day. Hehe. That was a funny one.

The butler thought for a moment. All that crying, the mood-swings, the sudden unorthodox fear of Madonna. It all made sense now! "He's pregnant!" Sebby concluded happily. Dipshit.

Alois stared at him strangely. "Um..." he pondered, considering the idea. Ciel could be a little "feminine" at times. "But look at this mysterious note I found somewhere sometime in the past maybe."

It read:

"Dear Chuck Norris,

I'll get the money to you by tomorrow. Please don't kill me. My cousin says hi.

Hugs and Cuddles,

The Easter Bunny"

Doing a quick back flip, the demon gasped dramatically. "Of course! He was raped!" Sebastian raced upstairs to his master's study once more.

Ciel was in the same position, quivering pathetically on the floor. Sebastian crouched down to the earl and grabbed his shoulders.

"Young master! Who raped you?"

The boy just shook, staring blankly and melodramatically into the distance.

"Who raped you?" He shook Ciel's shoulder's fiercely, but the earl didn't budge.

Finally, Sebastian slapped him across the face and demanded roughly, "Who raped you, goddammit?"

"It was Tanaka!" Ciel screamed, sobbing hysterically and cowering in immense fear.

Sebastian started giggling.

"I'm serious! he came to me in my sleep...he...he said...'Aren't you a little ho, ho, ho..." Ciel fainted, and Sebastian ate some catnip.

Epic fin.

AN: Review or Tanaka will rape you, with PEANUT BUTTER. ~Aly