A/N: Kiriban prize for xallfalldownx. She caught the 11,111 kiriban over on Deviantart. XD Nothing serious, just me being retarded with the many euphemisms there are for dick. Didn't use half as many as I wanted to, though; this was never intended to be long. Hope she likes it!

Anyways, for the purposes of this fic, this is a cross between canon and AU, I guess. Though they're actors they keep their names as they are in the show. Pure crack.

At The Onsen


Repairs will be made to the studio for the next 3 days. Likewise, Kishimoto-san is taking a break for the duration. Go knock yourselves out and relax somewhere. Filming resumes on the 8th."

Itachi narrowed his eyes at the signature, not bothering to read it out loud with the rest of the note. A large hand reached over his shoulder and snatched the taped scrap of paper off the door as he shook his head. "Unbelievable. Another delay."

Kiba brandished the note he'd re-read for himself. "You see this?" he said heatedly to the rest of them. "This means another cut in our pay. 'Relax'." He snorted rudely and crushed the note in his fist. "Assholes are probably in there fucking each other."


The women hit the mall, but the men and boys ended up at the hot springs, as usual. Once in awhile a half-hearted suggestion to go someplace else, and do something else was put forth, but this was always shot down by the majority. Nor was there any doubt as to the reason why. They weren't all gay, but the straight guys were definitely a minority. Still, they offered no complaint whenever they ended up at the hot springs. Not much of a complaint, at any rate. As Shikamaru put it once, "There's just something fundamentally wrong with how eager you guys are to see each other's dicks." Shikamaru was one of the straight guys.

There was a long, drawn-out ahhh of appreciation as a couple dozen male hindquarters slipped into the hot water. For several minutes there was blissful silence.

"Neh, Sasuke," Naruto giggled after awhile. "Want some of my all-day sucker?"

There was a collective groan shared amongst the rest. "Bad enough you chase him in the show," Chouji muttered. He had his head back against the rim of the large sunken basin, eyes closed. "Why chase him in real life?"

"You'd rather I chased you?" Naruto said. He shoved a palmful of water in Chouji's direction.

"Please. As if you could take my apple-headed monster."

There were snickers. Naruto straightened from his lounging position, all indignant fury. "If that twink Shikamaru can take it, so can I."

"And I repeat, I am not now, nor have I ever been gay," Shikamaru drawled. "Chouji and I had lunch that day. That's it."

"I don't know," Kankurou interjected. "Seems like you two have lunch often."

Shikamaru went red, which was noted.

"I wouldn't mind showing you the wonders of gay love, Shikamaru," Orochimaru commented idly. "Otis Deepthroatis and I have successfully taught many a young man."

"I think he'd rather have a go with my cocktapuss," 'Bee laughed.

"You could always fuck someone your own age, Shika-chan." Kiba's wolf call was predatory.

Kankurou rolled his eyes. "He wants none of your kibble 'n' bits, dogboy. I'll wager he wants my 9 inches of blunt fury instead. Neh, Shikamaru?"

Shikamaru sank a little lower in the water, stubbornly silent. Why did he keep coming here, knowing the strange fascination they all seemed to have with him?

Itachi floated over and put an arm around Shikamaru's red neck. He fondled the wet strands of hair, leaning down to sniff. "Forget them. You don't want an old man or some green boy, but someone in between. Why don't we get out of here and you can meet my chief of staff?"

Inoichi took exception. "Who're you calling old? My upright citizen is just as potent now as it was a decade ago."

"And everyone knows older is better." Raikage gave a leering grin in Shikamaru's direction. "My King Dong has outlasted you chickens time and again."

Asuma, also straight, felt for Shikamaru, seeing as they'd worked closely on the show for a number of years. He tried to switch their focus to something else. "Do you all have some weird name for your cocks?" He wasn't really interested in an answer.

"Who doesn't?" Pain yawned. "I call mine the weapon of ass destruction. You?"

Asuma spluttered, but Gaara said, "Red hot poker."

"Hung Wei Lo," Shino offered.

Kotetsu said, "Rodger."

"Heat-seeking moisture missile," Hidan said.

Not to be outdone, Sasori said, "Rumpleforeskin."

"I got you beat," Kakuzu taunted. "Daddy long-stroke."

Laughter rang out around the group. Shikamaru, finally forgotten, felt himself relax a bit. Sitting to either side of him were the other straight men; somehow they always ended up divided like this, with the straight guys on one side, and the gay men on the other. "You call yours anything?" he asked them.

"Baby maker," Yamato grinned.

Aoba nodded solemnly. "Muffin butterer."

Iruka appeared to consider the question, before he said, "Clam digger."

"What prudes. I can do better." Neji snorted. He grinned. "Quarter pounder with cheese. That, or chicksicle."

Seeing the grin, Sasuke gave a smirk of his own. "You're pretty when you smile, Neji. Want to play with my bat and balls?"

"Or my assmaster?" Utakata snickered, also attracted to Neji's smile.

Now it was Neji who turned red. "Straight. Need I say more? Not interested in your perversions."

Kakashi lifted a brow, running his eyes over the sexy topknot Neji wore his hair in. "Who says it's a perversion? Same sex is natural. One could even say it's a religious experience. I have 8 inches of throbbing pink Jesus that agrees with me. Care to find out?"

"I'd like to know why all the long-haired boys are straight," Madara groused. So far he'd been listening in silence, enjoying the hot water. "A hit from my anal impaler would fix that."

"Dude, you're ancient," Naruto shuddered. "He'd much rather have me. Tell 'em, Sasuke."

"Sasuke's mine," Sai teased. "I, at least, have a twelve inch train of pain."

"Puh-lease," Naruto yelled. "That 21st digit is hardly bigger than your other digits!" There was a heated argument between him and Sai over who was bigger.

"Your youthful ardor isn't what he wants," Gai told the shouting teens. "He wants someone in the full flower of manhood, with a proper manhole cover."

Deidara hummed. "Gai, you stud. Why don't you come over here and sit on my albino cave dweller?"

"Thought you were taking a ride on my rocket to Uranus later," Kabuto frowned at Deidara. "Two-timing bitch."

Zetsu scooted closer to Deidara and dropped a kiss on his shoulder. "Actually, he's not for either of you. Deidara has a date with my cream cannon tonight."

That got those three hollering curses across the water at each other, which effectively drew everyone else into the argument. Before long there'd be blood.

Sakura straightened up from where she'd been watching through a series of holes drilled into the wall surrounding the men's hot springs, and stepped from behind the concealing bush. She regarded her comrades. "Looks like the fun's over for today. Shall we head to mall for real?"

Tenten and Ino brushed leaves from their hair as they also emerged. "Might as well."

Tayuya sighed dolefully, the last to leave her little peep hole. "No sex this time. I was so hoping…"

"When do you suppose they'll figure out that we spy on them every time they come here?" Hinata wondered.

Tsunade gave an unlady-like snort. "Knowing them? Never. I must say, though, I wouldn't mind meeting Otis Deepthroatis. Very impressive length."

The younger women laughed along with her.