Disclaimer: This is based on Mortal instruments, based after City of Lost Souls. Don't take it seriously though - we didn't. Enjoy...

Chapter 1

Clary looks at Jace's solemn face.

"It'll be fine lad." she says to him with an Irish accent, slapping his bonny arse.

Jace erupts in laughter . "My Clary, such a funny girl"

Clary curtseys and pulls up her top for no apparent reason.

"Let's go have dinner" she says to him, he shakes his head. Clary frowns.

"Why not?"

Jace's gaze is empty like a bag full of muffins. He steps forward, as if he is about to kiss her. When he is arms length away from her a stone is teleported to his hand, he throws it at Clary, it grazes across her forehead spewing blood. She yelps and drops to the floor.

"Jace" she says shocked and hurt. Jace's eyes are full of anguish. He turns and runs into the Strip Club down the road. "JACE" Clary screams again. But it is no use. Dobby is dead.


Clary walks down the street with a tomato in her hand. "Ooh, baby," she murmurs to her tomato.

She leans against a lamppost and grazes the tomato's skin with her buck tooth teeth. An explosion of tomato juice fills her mouth and she does her best impressions of various sea creatures before chucking it at a drunken pilot.

"There's a little girl over there staring at you" The woman beside Clary at the bus stop says, whilst shaving her legs. Clary looks up.

Jace is standing across the street, staring at her and rubbing his member. "Jace" she says astonished. Jace turns quickly and runs.

"Oh no you don't!" Clary exclaims and runs after him. Jace runs into an alley way, trying to get his hands out of his pants, to find a dead end. He groans and picks up a brick. Reaching the end of the alleyway, Clary snorts.

"You're bluffing; you wouldn't throw a brick at me, no matter how much you think you're like Valentine. You wouldn't" her voice sounds doubtful.

Jace hurls the brick.

He had been intending for it to whistle past her barbwire-like hair, but instead it collided with her face, snapping her Nubian nose.

"Clary-Fairy!" Jace's scream was an unearthly thing.

He sprints to kneel next to her.

"Why?" Clary whimpers. Without answering, Jace smashes his lips to her own and is immediately smothered in tomato paste; clutching at her blood-drenched hair. Clary can't breath, but she can fart at least.

Clary is in pain. She is losing blood fast. She is going to die. But she let Jace kiss her, because no matter what she felt, Alec would still be gay.


Clary wakes up to the smell of damp earth. Everything is quiet. She cannot see anything but darkness. Gasping, she burrows herself out of the ground like a pigeon, and jumps on the first thing she sees – Simon.

"Clary!" Simon says, Clary bites his forehead and lurched to lick his toes. He screams a high pitched yowl of torment. Then someone or something is yanking her off him. "Get off him" It's Luke "You scrawny bitch! You statutory rapist! And you stabbed my wall!" he yells at her. She falls to the floor, and she rolls around pretending to be a Sasquatch.

"Who's that little girl over there?" someone says.

Clary looks to see Jace's thin figure gyrating in the distance by a thin fringe of trees.

"Jace" she says. As if hearing her, Jace bounds towards her, instead of away. This is progress, She thinks, but instead of stopping by her, he stops beside Simon's fallen figure, clutching the boy's bloodless cheeks. He let out a howl of agony (with a hint of sexual pleasure).

"SIMON!" he wails, and jerks back to look at Clary. Clary is taken aback by the terror in his eyes.

"Jace, I... I..."

"We'll talk later" he shoots her a glare and turns back to Simon. She can see the tendons in his neck all the way from where she was genuflecting.

"Kay..." Clary responds, remembering how Jace had held her in Renwick's all those weeks ago, cradling her close to him and whispering her name. He now did the same with Simon.


She finds Jace on the roof of the institute smoking weed; humming a Celine Dion song, with his free hand in his... pocket, Clary Presumes.

"Smells good" she remarks indicating the blunt.

He looks back to see her, and scrambles to his feet. "You should not have hurt Simon!" he says abruptly. He spoke Simon's name with great affection, never had he spoken with such lust and longing.

"Since when do you like Simon?"

"Since he made me DINNER!" He shrieks, remembering the sweet connection he felt when Simon had took the mango from his BARE hands and dropped it, so, so gracefully into the shopping basket.

"SIMON cannot cook" She retorts, pointing to her elbow.

"He can too!" He points to his vagina.

"So he's your best friend now is he?" Clary is ashamed to hear her chipmunk voice crack.

"Shut the hell up"

"...why are you being so mean? Throwing bricks at me and running away from me and making dinner with Simon!" Yells Clary, pointing to the greased-up deaf guy across the road.

Jace does not answer.

There is a long pause, during which several things happen. The greased up deaf guy let out a yelp of excitement as the two elementary school kids ran away in terror from his cloth-less body, church died and a monk in the Netherlands rubbed his tum-tum. Jace inhales and says;

"It's because I love you Clary. I love you. More than a balloon needs air, more than water needs moisture, more than the sun needs light. More than Valentine needs liposuction. More than Hodge needs ecstasy. More than Sebastian needs porn. More than Robert Lightwood needs a husband. I love you Clary, you were the first dream of my soul and you shall be my last. I dream of you all the time, and even long after I kill you I shall dream of you."

"You're going to kill me?" Clary's voice trembles.

"Yes, because I LOVE YOU"

Clary is astonished. "I don't understand"

"You never do!" He yells, and throws his packet of weed at her face.

"HEY!" she yells, humiliated.

"FUCK OFF CLARY. And come back when you're tall enough to ride the bus on your own!"

Clary stares. And stares. Then finally turns and leaves. She stops at the window and looks back. Jace is smoking weed again, like nothing happened.


The next day, Clary is plucking her eyebrows. She looks in the mirror. How can Jace be so mean to her? How? - She is beautiful; with long red hair just like the tendrils of anemones. Her bright green eyes, the same colour as the mould at the crooks of her knees. And she has grown too. She was tall enough now to suck him off standing up.

The doorbell rings and she moves to answer it. She is startled to see Jordan at the doorstep and not the delivery man with her monthly blow-up doll.

"Hey Sistaaaaaah" he yelps.

"Whazzuuuup!" she says, then realises she is still wearing her nun scarf and tucks it into her tiny bra. She gives him the regulation punch in the crotch; their decided form of greeting.

Jordan steps in without being asked and hits her in her face with his elbows.

"OW!" she yells "What was that for?"

"I was wondering if you have cocoa butter, my elbows are super DRY – and I like hitting nuns."

"I'm not a nun

"Says the NUN"

"Get out of my house"

"Get out of my house." Jordan raises an eyebrow

This stumps Clary for a moment, so she punches him in the crotch again and shrieks with all her might: "Werewolf whore, you think your sooo sexy! But you're NOT! I'MMMMM SEXY! Suck my butt!"


There is an awkward silence. Jordan wipes away a silent tear.

There is a toilet flush, an overwhelming smell of wolf vagina and animal poop, and then Luke appears. He is holding an ample bag of cocaine and a razor blade.

"Clary your scrawny nose is bleeding." He says then pauses to swipe his tongue against Jordan's forehead and then turns to Clary. "Your mother is looking for you"

Clary wonders how Luke could possibly know but nods and walks into the living room anyway where her mother is performing palates in a Forsaken costume "Hello Clarissa" she says.

"What the fuck mom!" Clary says. Her mother raises her eyebrows and pauses mid thrust.

"Don't waddafuck me, I found stuff on your clothes yesterday" she tells Clary.

Clary is confused (like always). "What stuff?"

"Specks of weed. That boy is involved. Jace. I just know it" Luke hides his cocaine in his purple dungarees.

Clary, pulls out the Seraph blade from her latex thigh-high red boots, along with a multitude of pennies. "Israpheal" she commands and plunges it into her mother's Forsaken suit "I LOVE JACE, hear me and tremble, WHORE. LOVE. Something you and Luke will never have."

She smiles, satisfied and launches out of the window, leaping into Luke's truck gunning the engine and backing out of the driveway.

She reaches the Institute and presses the elevator button. While she is waiting, she slides her pants down her waist, looking around to see if anyone was watching and then poops a gnome. She pulls up her pants just as the elevator doors slide open, Jace is standing there. "Clary Fairy" he says, and lunges towards her, wrapping her in his tweedy embrace. He smells like sweat and pie rolls. Once they are done kissing. Jace steps away, and all of a sudden plunges his hand in his pants and poops a stone into his hand. He brings it out and grins feverishly at Clary.

"Jace. WHAT IS THAT?" Clary squeals backing away.

"Porous Rock, does wonders for the feet I hear"

Then he throws it at her. She ducks, flying into the pews.

"Damn" he scowls, slapping himself and calling himself names in Czechoslovakian. Then he notices the gnome on the floor. "When'd that get there?" he asks.

Sweat beads on Clary's forehead. "Who knows," she says with a nonchalant shrug. Jace looks at her, then back at the gnome, back and forth, until his eyes are sore.

His gaze finally rests on Clary. He gives her an accusing scowl.

Clary backs away into a pillar behind her, her heart thumping in her chest. She watches as Jace's hands ball into fists. He licks his lips attentively.

"Jace..." Even to her own ears her voice is weak. "Jace, calm down, don't... don't do anything rash" her tone is pleading. His scowl quirks up at the corner, giving her a very lopsided grin.

"Clary" he whispers stepping forward. "Come here" he says, he dips his hand into his pocket and then frowns. "Damn" he says, then his eyes drop to the gnome. "Ah, fate has brought this glorious porcelain creature to me, to show my undying love for you" his eyes flick back to Clary. Clary's breath hitches in her throat.

Jace does the fastest pirouette she had ever seen and the Gnome is in his hand.

"I told you I love you. But I'm afraid I have to show you. I'll never forget you. Never."

To be continued...