Wishful Thinking

By, Esmee

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Note: The song is in italics.

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I will wait for you

Like I promised I would do

Although it brings me pain

          The muffled metallic chink of silverware fills the air around me. The strong bitter aroma of coffee, of chocolate, and of steam and cinnamon, wafts up to me, and across from me my tablemate takes a sip from his coffee, while I remember.

          It's not like it came as a surprise. Far from it, I entered into this relationship with the knowledge that it was temporary, that I was just a substitute.

          But that still didn't stop me from hoping. Hoping that maybe he would forget her, hoping that maybe, over time, he would come to love me.

           As foolish as that was, it didn't stop me from hoping.

          He had always fascinated me, even when I first meet him. He was everyone's courage, and he was everyone's clown. He was the leader. He was so alive that when he was around the air just seemed to hum. I had been too young when I first meet him to realize exactly what I felt for him - there were times when I almost hated him, as strange as that may sound. He used to tease me constantly - and by the time I realized just what it was I felt for him, he had just began to notice members of the opposite sex.

          We were friends, not best friend - at lest not at first - but friends. So when he started seeing Sora, I - being both of their friends - was one of the first to know. I felt hurt when I found out, hurt and a little jealous. I have never really had a problem with self-confidence, but I can remember looking into my mirror the evening I found out, and thinking: "Why?" I am pretty, I thought. Why not me? And for the first time, I really looked at Sora, and I think I saw what he saw in her. Her sweet, caring, warm, generous nature drew people to her. She was, to all purposes, perfect.

          It would have been easier on all points if I could have hated her, but I couldn't. Despite everything, she was my friend, so when - to everyone's surprise, especially mine - they broke up, I didn't, couldn't, try to keep his feelings toward her bitter and hurt.

          We began spending more time together. A year later, he kissed me.

And you always knew

What to say to lead me to

Believe it's not in vain

          We never became an official couple, he was just lonely, and I was just there. They were sweet kisses, but they were candy kisses, light and airy with no substance. At that point though, I almost thought he had forgotten about her, almost hoped that maybe when we kissed it was me he was thinking about.

          Whether he realizes it or not, I changed myself for him. I tried to become a kinder, gentler person for him; I became a bigger person for him.

          I know he was fond of me, and I was happy to have that small place in his affections. It's not like I ever expected him to feel more for me, I knew who held that place in his heart.

          But every now and then he would say something that would make me hope.

I was safe and secure

When you were with me

But it could only last

'Til the day that she

Took you back again

          I think one of the things that made me love him, was that he made me feel safe. Even when we were children and things looked their worse, he always made me feel that they would get better.

          I'm not sure what I was expecting to happen when he came to me that day, when he came to me and said, "I don't know how I could have gotten through this without you, you're my best friend Mimi." gave me a hug, and a peck on the cheek so innocent and brotherly it hurt, and left. I think before he left he said 'see you around' or something to that regard, but I can't really remember. I think I cried after he left.

So I get by

On wishful thinking

That when you come home

You'll want to stay

Give me your hand

Save me from sinking

Another day

Of wishful thinking

          That was about a week ago.

          Since then, I've seen the pitying glances my friends have been giving me, and even some angry ones on my behalf. What they don't realize is that I never hoped for more than that, never could have hoped for more, and never should have hoped for more.

         But I still can't get myself out of the habit of looking for him when I go out, or of waiting for him to call. Pathetic isn't it? But I can't help it, he was my dream for so long and when I finally realize my dream, it disappears. Evaporating like mist in the morning sun. And I still can't let go.

          I don't hate him, I can't. And I don't hate Sora either, it would be so much easier if I could hate them, but I can't. They are the golden couple, Tai and Sora, Sora and Tai, Love and Courage, Courage and Love. It's impossible to hate either of them, because they are everything everyone values, and aspire to become.

          I shouldn't love him, and I can't hope.

          But I do.

Sometimes it's lonely

And faith don't come easy

And dreams begin to fade

Then you reassure me

How good it's gonna be

When you come back someday

          He has called since then, asking if I wanted to grab something to eat with him. He can be thoughtless that way, but he doesn't mean anything by it. All he wants to do is get something to eat with his best friend, what's the harm in that?

          I can't help but hope when he does things like this. Just when I think I can get over it, that I can move on, and then he goes and does something sweet or stupid that gives me hope.

          I am so very foolish.

You said you'd be back

After you said goodbye

I have to believe

That it wasn't a lie

And you'd be here again

          My companion has half finished his coffee now, and neither of us seems inclined to talk. Normally silences such as these made me uncomfortable, but this one didn't. It may have had something to do with the fact that my companion had always been good with silences, or maybe it was where we were.

          I had been out walking and was planning on going to a coffee shop Tai and I had frequented often, part of me hoping to see him there, when I had run into Yamato Ishida. I hadn't seen him for sometime and had invited him to join me for coffee. He had gone on a trip a few weeks earlier, but he has probably already heard what's happened from one of our friends.

          Now I was waiting for the inevitable question I knew he would ask.

Another day of wishful thinking

Give me your hand

Save me from sinking

          "Do you want to talk about it?"

          Around me was the gentle, muted buzz of people talking, in the background I could hear the sound of dishes clinking together, the smell of exotic spices and coffee coiled lazily in the air like some large invisible snake.

          "Not really."

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Disclaimer: I do not own any of the characters. All characters are copyright Akiyoshi Hongo, Toei Animation. TM, and Bandai. The song is copyright Amanda Marshal.

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Esmee's note: Don't blame me. Blame the coffee.

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