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"Be more careful next time! " The old lady behind the cashier called out to me.
Ms. Nagasaki was looking at me with her eyes in slits. She had been working here since her teen years, from what I heard, she never left. I picked up the can of tuna I had dropped not more than a few seconds ago. I had made the mistake of thinking about nothing. I should've occupied myself with at least something. Anything better than this,
You know, you really have to get that social action paper done.
Maybe, when I get home.
I'm trying. At least I think I am.
Do what you want; this is all going to bite you back in the ass.
I don't respond anymore. I ignored the voice instead – which was rare. I'm surprised the voice is keeping quiet right now. I wonder where it went…
"I'm sorry." I apologized and gave a timid smile. I put the can in my basket and opted for 7 more along with some ingredients for dinner tonight. Shinigami-chan was still pretty hungry when I left and I doubt that he would appreciate me taking my time at the store. I hurried and payed for my purchases, minding the time.
3:42 in the afternoon.
I carried them in a plastic bag in one hand as I slung my bag over my shoulder, making my way up the road to my apartment. It was sort of like a hill, you know, like some kind of slope where kids do the luge on a skateboard or do 'look, no hands 'on a bike that might soon become 'look, no head 'if they're not careful or fast enough.
I was at the entrance of my said residence as I answered my cell phone, "Rima."
"Ne, Amu. Don't forget the paper's due tomorrow."
"The paper…?" What could she be possibly talking about…"Ah, the reaction paper about Hamlet, was it?"
"Yep," She confirmed. I was at my door now; it only took me one flight of stairs to get to my room. "How're you by the way? Are you doing any better today?"
Now, Rima was never the one to show any emotion, she was like a rock. Maybe she is a rock. So I was kind of surprised that her tone of voice was a rather worried one despite her lack of ability to even show facial expression. I could imagine her sitting at the foot of her lilac bed sheets on her bed- prim and proper like a princess-with a poker face.
"I see…well, ja ne. I'll see you tomorrow." Ah, this kind of conversation doesn't really last long, knowing it's with Rima.
"Mhmm." I mumbled as I pressed the 'end call' button. I unlocked my door and went inside. I shut my flip phone as I felt my back slide down the front door. I rolled my left sleeve up, revealing the scars. I ran my fingers along them and shuddered as I made contact with one of the recent ones.
"Gomen, Shinigami-chan, I took my time." The black cat purred against me as a way of saying that it was okay. I got up and made my way to the kitchen and looked for the can opener. After attending to my cat's needs, I made my way to my bathroom and stripped from my clothes.
I was in front of the full body mirror now. I stared at my wrists then my eyes traveled down to my thighs. Rima always wondered why I stopped wearing skirts all of the sudden. What she doesn't know won't hurt her. Things are better this way.
You really think so?
Yes, as a matter of fact, I do.
There go the voices again. I was wondering where they had gone. You see, these voices are like, pipsqueaks. You know, those tiny insect like humans with the wings, hence insects.
You mean pixies?
Yes, thank you.
Are you hungry?
I ignore the order and head to the tub. Filling it up with warm water, I sat on the counter as I looked down and stared at the few scars on my thigh. Some are starting to fade away; maybe I can wear a skirt tomorrow.
What am I doing with my life?
Destroying it, obviously.
I wish the voices hadn't come back. After much more staring and thinking about how much bullshit I've been through, I decided to finally slip into the tub. I let my muscles relax to the warm temperature of the water. I sank in a little bit lower.
Maybe you should drown yourself.
Just saying, you know.
By now you would think, 'what the fuck is wrong with this crazy bitch of a heroine?'
Depression. Yes, as much of a pussy I may sound, I was depressed. I still am. So therefore, I am depressed.
Well, I don't have anything like 'my parents died in a fire and I saw them burn right in front of my very eyes' or 'I was raped and it makes me feel disgusting so I hurt myself instead to make up for it' or even the 'okay I just want attention and I'm kind of a psycho masochist'. Depression is not rare, really. Especially among people my age. Why was I depressed? Oh, you know, the usual; pressure, stress, school.
School? Such a pussy you are. You should be ashamed. Some people have bigger problems than you do.
And I inherited such cells from my mother. I think. She gets anxiety attacks almost all the time, so they moved to a more peaceful place over there in the west, a quiet little neighborhood in Brooklyn, if I recall correctly. My parents actually know I'm like this. Not just the cutting part. You know, cutting myself. They send me my meds monthly. Prozac. I keep it in this small orange bottle with a white cap that I topped with a Hello Kitty sticker.
"I feel so alone," I say to myself as I ignore the voice once again. Voice? Voices? Well, sometimes, there's just one voice speaking to me. But sometimes when I feel really messed up, there'r like four voices speaking to me in unison. It's kinda irritating. They sound so nasally together.
I guess I was just lonely. The lonely teenager with her cat next door. Where are her parents?
Living the good life.
I wonder what it's like there, in America.
Obviously, better than this hellhole of a place you reside in.
Okay, that's enough. I get out of the tub and dry myself and put my clothes on. It's going to be a long night; dinner, homework, and the rounds. Rounds? The voices do rounds in my head, you know, like doctors. When they talk about how my life is going to be like having to study hard next year for college entrance exams and stuff like that. Like, why can't I do better this year? Why are all my friends so perfect? Why didn't I go with my family abroad? Why can't I be normal?
I call them rounds.
The next day at school
Sapphire eyes meet my gold ones as the new kid is being introduced.
"Tsukiyomi Ikuto." He bows gently. "It's nice to meet you all." Girls swoon immediately.
Nikkaidou-sensei mumbles on about something else and tells Ikuto to take the seat in front of me. I sat at the back of the class by the windows. So he was by the windows now, too. I snap out of it and greeted him, "I hope we get along, Tsukiyomi-san. Please don't hesitate to ask me anything." I try to smile.
"I like your hair," he says. "It's pink."
What the fuck?
'What the fuck?' I thought back to the voices.