"I feel my head still spinning
But I'm doing alright
'Cause I think I just had
The best night of my life"
Ulquiorra waltzed out of the infirmary. He had just checked up on Starrk, who had previously been viciously attacked by the front of Kisuke Urahara's truck. The Primera's condition was stable, luckily, and now all Ulquiorra had to do was report back to Aizen-sama.
Still slightly hungover, Ulquiorra twisted around a corner and came face to face with Grimmjow. The dude looked like shit. With his hair tousled, clothes wrinkly, and face aged beyond his years, Grimmjow looked like he had just survived the apocalypse only to find out he had a terrible disease and was about to die anyways. Ah, the lovely effects of alcohol.
Upon seeing the Cuarta, Grimmjow sauntered over. "How are ya coping with your hangover? I mean, even you should feel some effects," Grimmjow whined.
Ulquiorra stared at him blankly. "I'm not coping," he replied. "I simply choose not to display any emotions of pain or discomfort whatsoever, as they are signs of weakness, and I am not weak."
"Trash," he added as an afterthought.
Ulquiorra started to walk away. Grimmjow panicked, faceplanted on the ground, and clung for dear life to his superior's right leg.
"Ulquiiiiiiii~," he whimpered. "Ya wouldn't want one of Aizen-sama's-" he made sure to drawl out the 'sama', "- babies to be hurt, would ya?"
Ulquiorra cast a glance down at him before sighing and drawing a baggie out of his pocket.
Grimmjow jumped up in excitement.
"Hell yeah! Drugs!" he clapped Ulquiorra on the back repeatedly, knocking the breath out of the fourth Espada every time. "I knew that ya had some weird thing about ya. Drug addict! Shoulda thought of it sooner!"
Ulquiorra threw him an apathetic side glance. "It's aspirin, Sexta. Pop a few in, and your headache should leave you promptly." Ulquiorra began walking again.
Grimmjow lunged for the bag and swallowed it all dry, baggie included.
"Right, so now that that's outta the way…" Grimmjow conversed, following Ulquiorra.
"I am reporting the condition of the Primera to Aizen-sama."
"Hmm, sounds boring."
Ulquiorra turned to face him with a sigh. "Sexta, why must you-" Grimmjow grabbed him and dragged him around a corner, covering his mouth.
Once hidden from view, Ulquiorra slapped Grimmjow across the face with his oh-so-conveniently placed horn. Spinning on his heel, he droned at the Sexta, "Grimmjow. If you ever deem it necessary to escort me to an undisclosed location again, which you shouldn't, but if you ever do, please refrain from making physical contact with me. I will rip out your small intestine and hang you with it if this scenario should ever befall us again. Furthermore-"
"Shut up, Ulquiorra. Listen," Grimmjow whispered, pressing himself up against the wall and cupping his hand to his ear.
Ulquiorra, now curious, followed in suit. All of Las Noches seemed to fall silent as the Cuarto strained to hear whatever had caused the trashy sixth Espada to act like he did.
Muffled words. A scream. Some object hitting a wall or floor. Sounds dangerous, and potentially worth reporting to Aizen-sama. Ulquiorra decided that this situation was worth his time.
"Wha-"Grimmjow started as Ulquiorra grabbed his collar and began dragging him towards the origins of the noises.
Ulquiorra closed his eyes and concentrated on the sound.
Left here, right turn, middle of the five-way intersection, past Aizen's special herbal tea room, left, left, up the stairs-
"How can ya get around so well with your eyes closed? You related Gin or something?" Grimmjow snapped him out of his thoughts.
"Actually, yes. He's my uncle," Ulquiorra informed his sarcastically.
Grimmjow's eyes widened. "Whoa, really? That's so weird, 'cause he's my uncle too! We must be like, cousins or something!"
"If you're thinking like that, we would actually be brothers."
"Dude, that's messed up. I hear that Starrk and Halibel are screwing, and if they're related too, isn't that intestinal?"
"I do believe you mean incestual, trash. And now that you bring it up…"
That was kinda weird. Ulquiorra frowned.
"It is aside the point. Right now, we must locate the source of disturbance. We are presently very close."
"Really? If the person screaming is almost dead, I can murde- um, I mean put them out of their misery, right?"
"I don't see why not."
Grimmjow grinned. "Win."
Two massive twin doors stood before Ulquiorra. This was where the noise was coming from.
He was about to open the doors when Grimmjow grabbed his shoulder.
"Wait," he hissed. "Can't ya sense whose reiatsus are in there?"
Hmm. Strange that he didn't think of doing that. Since when was Grimmjow more alert than he was?
Ulquiorra reached out with his massive reiatsu, subtly analyzing the others in the room.
He jolted up. "It's… Aizen-sama…"
"And… Ichimaru as well…"
Now thoroughly interested, the two Espada ran over and pressed their ears to the doors.
Grimmjow scrunched up his eyebrows. "I can't hear anything."
Ulquiorra made a face at him. "Then you are deaf. I'll relay back to you what I can hear."
Ulquiorra paused for a few seconds. He made a sick face, but kept to his word.
"Aizeeeeeeeen! Stoooop! I can't take it! It's too much!" Ulquiorra whined out.
Grimmjow felt his jaw hit the floor. "That was… "
"Gin, yes. That was him," Ulquiorra clarified.
"Now," Ulquiorra cleared his throat. "Shh, quiet now, Gin. Wouldn't want anyone hearing us, now would we? It would be such a pity if the fun ended prematurely."
Ulquiorra switched from a low voice to one slightly higher and crankier. "Ya call this fun? My mind's 'bout to blow! I can't deal with this sorta stuff!"
"Just a little longer," Ulquiorra continued in his Aizen voice. "I'm almost done. I know that it's long, but I'll take it out soon. It's nearly over."
Grimmjow choked a little. WTF?
"Aizen! Nooooooooooo!" Ulquiorra was really getting into it, articulating his last statement with a little whimper at the end. Guess the alcohol was still in his system.
"There, that wasn't so bad, was it?" Ulquiorra's face didn't display that he knew anything was wrong.
Poor, oblivious, little guy. Grimmjow felt kinda guilty for not informing Ulquiorra on what was happening.
Just as Grimmjow finally decided to shine some light on the subject for the fourth, Ulquiorra's eyes widened exponentially. His mouth fell open.
"What? What did they do?" Grimmjow asked frantically, shaking the Cuarta.
Ulquiorra just shook his head. Grimmjow shook him harder. "C'mon! Spill it!"
Ulquiorra coughed a little. He opened his eyes and took a deep breath.
Reverting back to his Aizen tone, he answered the Sexta. "And that, Gin, is how babies are made."
As the fourth hid his face in his hands, Grimmjow started hyperventilating.
Sweet mother of… that's sick.
Grimmjow snapped back to attention as he heard footsteps approaching them from behind the door.
Remembering Ulquiorra's previous threat about physical contact, Grimmjow hissed, "Ulquiorra! We have to get out of here! Pull yourself the fuck together!"
The fourth shakily stood up, and together, they sonidoed away to cry into Halibel's boobs.
Aizen popped his head out of the room. Seeing no one there, he returned and finally released Gin from the metal chair he had been strapped to.
Gin was in ruins. "Ne, Aizen! Was the Sexual Education video really necessary? I mean, the dog giving birth was pretty mentally damaging."
Aizen simply smirked. "Good, then. Goal achieved."
Szayel had just finished helping out in Starrk's recovery. He strode down the great white halls of Las Noches.
"Szayel? What's with the face?" Nnoitra questioned as he stepped out from behind a corner.
Szayel looked up. "I'm rather troubled by the fact that I have no plausible idea of what happened last night. If we had more pictures, I could probably put together a more complete hypothesis."
"What about that shiny metal box thing that Ulquiorra had?" Nnoitra offered.
Szayel stopped and stared. "Of course… the camera!" he said, more to himself.
The eighth suddenly sonidoed off.
"O-oi! Wait up!" The fifth took off after him.
After having an emotional counseling session with the Tercera, Grimmjow and Ulquiorra decided that their next course of action would be to burden others with the new information. Starrk was their obvious first victim. I mean, he was currently immobile from the waist down. It's not like he had a choice.
Back in the infirmary, the pair walked over to Starrk.
Just as Grimmjow was about to launch into a heartfelt story on how gross Gin was and how he wished he was never born, Szayel burst in, tailed by Nnoitra.
"Ulquiorra!" the Octava panted out, "I-"
The door was thrown open once more, and Gin staggered in.
Grimmjow looked like he just ** himself. Ulquiorra passed out, falling onto Starrk's bandaged legs.
Gin walked over and picked Ulquiorra up off of the Primera.
Feeling that he was being touched, the Cuarta yelped and quickly put as much distance as possible between him and Gin as possible without leaving the room.
Giving Ulquiorra a funny look, Szayel turned to him. "Ulquiorra, you still have the digital camera, correct?"
Confused for a moment, Ulquiorra paused. Realization dawned on his pale features. "Oh, yes, I do. It is here."
He pulled the dreaded object out of his pocket. He handed it to the Primera, who was conveniently in the center of everyone.
Starrk held up the camera, and some random holy light decided to shine upon it, adding to the drama of the moment.
"This is the only solid piece of proof that that night ever happened," he commented.
"It's rather dangerous," Szayel added.
Ulquiorra and Nnoitra nodded in agreement.
Gin stepped in. "We should destroy this. No one can ever find it. We're lucky tha' Aizen hasn't yet."
"Sounds alright to me, but we should at least find out exactly what we did, and how bad the damage is," Grimmjow reasoned.
"Agreed," Starrk decided. "On three…"
"OH MY GOD."
Ichigo was breezing above the forests in Rukongai. He paused as a shiny object caught his eye.
Crashing down through the tree tops, he landed nearly on top of a small camera.
Curious, our favorite orange-headed reaper reached down and picked up the peculiar object.
"Why would a camera from my realm be here in the Soul Society?" he mused. "Maybe Rukia will know about this…"
Did it happen?
Did it happen?
So that's it! Did it end okay for you guys?
I needed to put that little Ichi moment at the end. He was underloved in this story )':
Hope you liked it ^^