Title: The Swan Queen Hangover
Disclaimer: I don't own these characters
Summary: Crack fic!- short swan queen parody of the Hangover
Regina woke up to a spinning room, nauseating headache and a sore body. She was disoriented, but quickly ascertained she wasn't in her own bed. She also took note that she was naked and sticky, and most definitely not alone. A warm (equally naked) body was pressed tight against her, limbs tangled together. She could feel the warm breath of someone in peaceful slumber puffing steadily against her neck. Regina chanced a glance down and over, and was horrified to see the instantly recognizable blonde head of Emma Swan. What the hell?
Regina jerked to an upright position, waking Emma, and pushing her off of her. The sudden movement was a mistake as it caused Regina's head to throb harder. She tried to think back to the events of the previous night, and found she remembered nothing.
Emma sat up, blinking and confused, until she noticed Regina inches away. She let out a small startled scream and pulled the blankets around her, asking through a sleep-groggy voice, "What is going on?"
"I was hoping you'd be able to tell me!" Regina said much louder and more frantic than she intended to.
"I don't remember. Where are we? And what is this sticky stuff?" Emma held up her fingers and sniffed them. "Is that chocolate syrup and whipped cream?"
Regina looked down at her own chest and sure enough, as evident as blood, there were distinct chocolate hand prints marking her breasts. Emma shifted uncomfortably; she reached her hand down beneath the covers and then produced a maraschino cherry.
Regina looked around the room; they were obviously in an upscale hotel. There were empty bottles of champagne scattered across the desk and a bra hanging from the light fixture above.
"What's the last thing you remember?" Regina asked, trying to think as rationally as possible.
"Um..um, God, I am so sore! What the hell did we do? I remember walking into Mr. Gold's pawn shop, and you were there already or something? I don't know," Emma swung her legs over the side of the bed and sat for a moment before attempting to stand up. Regina couldn't help but let her eyes wander down the long expanse of Emma's exposed back. There were red fingernail marks the sight made Regina blush. Then Regina saw a bandage on Emma's left buttock.
"What's that?" Regina asked as Emma looked at her over her shoulder.
"What?" Emma asked.
Regina sighed and reached for the bandage, ripping off the tape and exposing a fresh tattoo, "It's a swan! Wearing a crown and clutching a scepter between its wings… and it's smoking a cigar."
"Oh my God! What the hell! I got a tattoo on my ass!" Emma jumped up and ran to the mirror to see. "It is a swan and why is it holding Lady Gaga's disco stick?"
Regina almost laughed in spite, and then a horrifying thought struck her, what if she had one too! "Check me! Check my body," Regina jumped out of bed, pushing Emma out of the way of the mirror. She turned around, relieved to find no tattoos, but horrified to see there were multiple chocolate hand prints and tongue prints on her ass and inner thighs.
Emma held up a blanket and looked around for her clothes. All she could find was a black, tailored suit and a white dress, both of which had been discarded on the floor. Regina opened the drawer of the desk and produced a Massachusetts phonebook.
Emma opened the door of the bedroom thinking it would lead into the hallway of the hotel, but instead it opened up into a bigger room, "I think we're in a suite? Emma saw rose petals lining the floor and a huge banner over the doorway that read "Congratulations Newlyweds!"
"I think we're in the honey moon suite!" Emma said in disbelief.
Regina sat back down on the bed, her head resting into her hands, "He said please to me, and you rubbed his genie lamp!"
"What, is that a euphemism?" Emma asked as she roamed the suite noticing that the whirlpool bath was still bubbling away.
Regina just then noticed a silver band around her left finger, "Emma, are you wearing a ring?"
"Oh my god! Did we- did you and I get married?" Emma shrieked. "How did we even get here? How did we leave Storybrooke? Henry says bad things happen when you leave Storybrooke, he wasn't kidding."
Regina let the horror sink in, she must have been drugged! There is no way that she would have consented to driving to Massachusetts and having a gay wedding (that involved tattooing) with Emma Swan.
Flashes of the ceremony began to crash through Regina's mind. Emma in white. Regina in black. Afterwards, they came to the hotel and had intense competitive sex involving food products on every surface in the suite!
Emma reappeared at the bedroom door, waggling her eyebrows, "I found the rest of the bottle of chocolate syrup. You know, we might as well make the most of this. After all, we are married now."
Regina shrugged and crawled back into bed.